You Can Find Me

Psalm 8:1-4 - O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babes and infants, you have established strength because of your does, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Psalm 19:1-2 - The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge.

Jeremiah 29:13 -14 - You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

I Corinthians 6:19-20 - Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Dear God, help me to see and hear You more in the world around me. And help me to teach others to be able to do the same. You are in the cool, gentle breeze on a hot, summer day. You are in the bird singing his little heart away. You are in the coo of a newborn baby's play. You are in the sunset that You paint at the end of the day. Thank You. In Jesus's Name, Amen!

God by Rebecca St. James (YouTube) 

He made the night, He made the day

Spread the earth upon the waters, made the Heavens and the rain

Look at the sky, see its design

The very same creator, He's the one who gave us life

And what is man that He's mindful of us? 

We're merely clay in His hands

And what am I that He loves me so much, He would die

You know, all I can say is

It's God, truly God

Can you see, can you hear

Can you touch, can you feel

It's God, truly God

I can't explain any other way 'cause it's God

Inside us all there is a void

All mankind is searching for the one who fills the soul

In Him there's hope, in Him there's life

The world cries for a Savior that's right before their eyes

And what is man that He takes us in

As His children to be His own

And what are we that He wants to be our Father

All that I can is

It's God, truly God

Can you see, can you hear

Can you touch, can you feel

It's God, truly God

I can't explain any other way 'cause it's God

It's God, truly God

Can you see, can you hear

Can you touch, can you feel

It's God, truly God

I can't explain any other way 'cause it's God

Lord I praise You for Your endless love

Your boundless grace, I stand here amazed

What is man that He's mindful of us?

What am I that He loves me so much?

What is man that He takes us in?

What are we that He wants to be, God

God, truly God

Can you see, can you hear it

Can you touch, can you feel it

And it's God, truly God

I can't explain any other way 'cause

It's God, truly God

It's God, truly God

It's God, truly God

I can't explain any other way 'cause it's God

When God Created the Autistic Child

God took His time on the last day of creation. 

You see He had something very special in mind.

Unlike all the other creatures He had made, He decided He needed someone like Himself.

So He created man. 

But when He saw how lonely the man was, He had to act fast.

So He created woman.

But what most people don't know is that He created someone very special after that.

At some point in time, God got very frustrated that things were not going as planned.

So He cried. For forty days. 

That was the flood.

Shortly after that, one of the children that was conceived was created differently.

For this child needed to be one that God Himself could approve.

He created the child with musical gifting, bravery, courage, and a good heart.

This was the first child with autism.

Music gave him a voice as did his poetry.

His bravery killed a giant and saved a nation.

His courage kept him going even during the times he felt most sad and lonely.

And he most definitely was considered a man after God's own heart.

Is it possible that there were other children before this one who God created with autism?

Sure it is. But I chose this one.

Just as God chose to create some of us with pure hearts, innocence, love, beauty, giftedness, and an inner song, I chose David as an example of what God does when He chooses to create a child with autism.

I posed this question today in light of April being Autism Awareness Month. For one month, the whole world spreads awareness about autism. The numbers have increased again. And again, the numbers do not account for adults with autism, although it is very likely, the numbers would be the same for that particular age group. But those of us who have autism or have loved ones with autism have to spread awareness every day - 365 days a year - because we live with it. So I posed a question: What is your church doing to intentionally minister to and with an individual or a family faced with autism? And more so, an adult with autism? Is your church reaching out to them? If not, please change that now. I challenge anyone reading this to search his or her heart and to go back to his or her church leaders before it is too late. I say this because I was hurt by a church as soon as they got back the report that I have autism. And it is not fair what they did to me. And I do not want it to happen to anyone else ever again, whether it is there or somewhere else. I feel sad and lonely and hurt and frustrated and angry about it. I should be at church with my friends worshipping God just like everyone else and serving God just like everyone else. Not isolated and punished because of how God created me. I should still have my friend that is one of the pastors because he was the one who understood the autism and the way it impacted me and others the most and he was reaching in the most to pull me out so I could grow and shine. Oh how wonderful it would be if he would reach out a hand in forgiveness to me in light of what Jesus did for us on the cross! And how wonderful it would be if they would be wiling to meet with me and move toward biblical reconciliation for the same reason. 

Do I know for sure that David had autism? No. But I know that most people with autism tend to be a lot like David and Moses and Noah and Adam and Jesus too. I always say God must have autism. 

1 in 68 children are diagnosed with autism everyday or it may still be 1 in 88 overall. Either way, God must have a reason for us to have autism. After all God is sovereign, right? 

God Has Autism Too or Why Churches Need to Minister to and With Special Needs Adults

God has autism. 

Why?

God is perfectionistic. He created a perfect world. His work was perfect. Then He created these people. Who flubbed up the perfection. 

So God had a meltdown. He punished the people who messed up the perfection. 

People kept screwing up and things got more flubbed up. So God had another meltdown. This time He flooded the whole earth and started over again after He calmed down enough to be more reasonable. 

But God still was not happy. It just was not the same ever again.

So God sent Jesus. 

Now here's the clencher: Jesus was no ordinary baby. Nor was He any ordinary man.

And churches who mess up in this might want to repent sooner than later because the end result will not be good for them.

Many churches do not minister to or with special needs individuals or their families. Particularly adults with special needs. 

This is a very sad reality. 

Anyone who has read earlier posts on here know what I just dealt with with one such church. 

I have been praying that they will see their mistakes before they hurt more people like me. 

If ever there was a more compelling reason for them to repent and try to repair the damage they caused me, and for that matter, a more compelling reason for them and really for EVERY church to minister to and with special needs children AND adults, here it is:

Most of Jesus' life ministry was spent healing the deaf, healing the blind, healing the leper, healing the woman with a bleeding issue. Jesus even said how you treat the least of these is how you treat Him (Matthew 25). And He basically said if you treat them fair and treat them well, then you treat Him fair and well and you will be a sheep. BUT, conversely, if you hurt them, you hurt Him and you will be a goat sent to the fire. He is talking about churches too as the churches are simply comprised of people. So, if your church doesn't minister to and with children AND adults with special needs and instead does what that church did to me, you might need to do one of two things:

1. Go to your leadership and talk to them and even complain and protest. 

2. Run far away from that church for failing to actually do the work of Jesus.

Because here's the thing: Jesus not only did or encouraged foreign missions, but He also did and encouraged special needs ministry. And if a church is lacking either of these things, then it is not really following Jesus at all, now is it? 

Don't get me wrong. I know some churches will claim that they just don't have the resources or the people to volunteer or the people who need it. WRONG WRONG WRONG. 

Let me take, no offense, but just because I am more familiar with them, so let me take Oak Mountain for example.

Excuse 1: Don't have the resources.

Wrong. 

Oak Mountain has over 2500 people by now. It is also in a predominantly affluent area. With the new campaign it is launching, some of the allocation or reallocation of funds can include special needs ministry to both children and adults? The focus is too much on the children. This fails to remember that children with special needs grow up to be adults who still have special needs. But in a church that size or larger, if the excuse is not having the resources, I would be more concerned that they are misappropriating some of the resources rather than that they truly don't have the resources.

Excuse 2: Don't have the people to volunteer.

Wrong.

Oak Mountain never asked. They never expressed the need. Therefore they do not have because they did not ask. If they would announce the need, they would have people who would step up. I know. Because I met several who are interested. But they have not been asked nor have they been made aware of the need. Why? Because as I have experienced, their leaders treat autism as though it is a sin which also means they treat God as though God is a sinner. Read some of my previous posts for clarity on that comment. 

Excuse 3: Don't have the people who need it.

Wrong.

I needed it and still need it. With autism diagnosis rates in children being 1 in 88 and 1 in 50 between ages 6 and 17, and adults being unaccounted for, a church the size of Oak Mountain definitely has the people who need it. And that's just autism! ADHD, ODD, OCD, dyslexia, Down Syndrome, Tourette's, SPD, MR, LD are others that can benefit. I read a statistic last night that bothered me as I have been made a statistic as a result of what they did to me: 95% of families with special needs are unchurched. A smaller percent (55%) was also given. If this excuse is used, I would be more concerned about why this is the case than about this being the case. Why? In my case, I was bullied and abused, more so after the diagnosis of autism came to their attention. And even the offending party (Tom) admitted that to my mom (the only truth he told her). We met others with similar stories with regard to the exact same church. Which means that they are literally doing something wrong. RUN people. Because that is NOT what Jesus would want. 

Why do I write this though? Because right now, believe it or not, bringing it to public light is the most gracious thing I can do under the circumstances. Because someone out there might read this and finally say aha! and might be able to call foul and help correct the wrong. Because no church deserves to be in a position that Jesus would deem as goat. Because every church deserves a chance to do right and repair damage they magnified or caused. Because every church deserves a chance to do better. And because these principles apply to EVERY church. 

Wake up churches! You're hurting people more than you understand right now. You're pushing them away from God rather than drawing them to God. 

By the way, I am a millennial with autism. Double whammy. Churches! Do you want to know how to effectively minister to people like me? Talk to me! 

I challenge each person reading this to evaluate his or her own church though and see if you can identify some of the things I pointed out here. Then do one of those two things. But if you talk and they still refuse, I would suggest running and warning others who would be negatively impacted as well. 

I would rather that NO church be like that with anyone. And the fact a church was like that to me at all is sad and gives me much grief. But grace is winning right now and telling me to give them one last chance to correct things before they can do more harm. They can choose to take advantage of this moment and reach out. Or the alternative is one I cannot fathom right now because it is even worse. 

My hunch is that the reason Jesus has a special place and consideration for people with special needs is because He knows that these are often the people who cannot even defend themselves against a world that can be so mean and cold. And since EVERY person alive is an image bearer of the Creator, then if a child or adult has autism or any of the countless other conditions that I named or even didn't name, then to some degree, God has those characteristics too. Because here's the ultimate deal: Anyone who actually gets to know me for me knows that I am creative, loving, caring, compassionate, loyal, real, honest, and sometimes even funny because I see the world differently. And the thing is, many of my characteristics are also ones that God has! And it's the same with any of us special needs people. If a church rejects us, it essentially also rejects God because we are also God's children. 

I know some of you may be scratching your heads some after this. GOOD! See the comment box below? Use it! Because I want this post to be conversational and to result in conversations. It needs to. And if you follow me on YouTube, keep an eye out for a similar video soon. 

Identity Crisis

It has been almost two years since I was referred for an evaluation for autism and was diagnosed. I was a little over 33 years and one month in age. 

During that time I was working with what I felt at that time had to be the worst group of people filled with the most hate possible. And I felt like church people were just cruel and heartless. I all but, and almost did, lose faith in God. 

I am not going to rehash anything though. But it did seem very unfair. Well, to be honest, there was a lot of unfairness in what I experienced. Diagnosed in December. Got told repeatedly I couldn't do certain things because I have autism and fill-in-the-blank with whatever misconception of autism is in existence. 

It was three or four months before I was finally connected and sent for ABA therapy. And I was only in therapy for four months when I got a fatalistic document. 

Three more months fighting the unfairness and I gave up and left. 

My friend didn't want me to go, but he let me. He knew I had to do it. He knew I was hurting and as much as he didn't want me to go, he knew that at that moment, it was what was in my best interest.

Now believe me, I gave him plenty of reason to give up on me, but he didn't. I praise him for his stubbornness. Why? Because if he hadn't been so stubborn, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So let me tell you what I have done in the ten months since leaving. 

1. I tried another church that has extensive special needs support for adults. 

2. I continued in ABA therapy.

3. I continued in a social group through Voc Rehab. 

4. I began to come out of my shell and make some friends. And I even began to develop a crush on someone. 

5. I began smiling almost endlessly. And have yet to find a person who doesn't instantaneously fall in love with me as a result. 

6. I decided I didn't need extensive special needs support. Just having a point person within the church who understands autism is enough and having friends in group activities and partners in service activities is enough. And that's true.

7. I began speech therapy. And now I have more confidence.

8. I missed a lot of church because of illness and because I simply didn't like it. 9. I started doing social outings outside of an official group and will pick up again after court.

10. I visited another church. It felt more like a concert than a worship service. I don't know why people like it. I hated it. It felt like torture.

11. I visited another church. I almost liked it until I learned that because I don't know exactly when I was converted and therefore may not have been baptized by immersion after conversion that I might have to be rebaptized. No thank you. But it's not fair to me to try to pursue it if that's going to be the sticking point.

12. I went back to the place I left. My heart never left it anyway because all my friends I already have are there. 

13. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and self-exploration during this time.

14. I have developed more artistically. With the help of another beautiful friend. She helped me do a pre-wedding collage piece for my friend and revamp an old drabby three legged table converting it to a beautiful four legged table just the right size for a precious granddaughter of my friend. I am no longer afraid of paint getting on my hands, although if it's on there too long, I will start to meltdown. And I still won't touch raw dough or raw meat. And sticky mess is enough to send me for a tailspin as is a ticking clock.

15. I have less meltdowns and the meltdowns I do still have are becoming less self-injurious in nature. 

16. I am lashing out less. I had to work on an emotional color wheel assigning colors to emotions. I hated it. But I found it to be a good start. So now I do a chart. I write, "I feel...," assign colors and words to what I feel, and then state why I feel it. Then I go to the person who led me to feel that way. The chart helps me process so I don't lash out as often. 

17. I have more confidence now.

18. I am also hugging more people because I want to. Although I will pull back if it's not someone I feel safe with.

19. I am still afraid, but I will try anything once. I now like sushi and gluten free paper dosas (Indian). But I don't like wasabi (it burns the nose). 

20. I see the positives more.

All this to say that God is leading me back to where I was and I know that even though I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go, but I am working on it and will continue to do so. 

Thanks in part to my friends, especially stubborn Tom, who through their continual love, time, energy, and grace have exemplified God's character to me and allowed me to see enough of God to help me desire God more. 

So, even though I am really anxious right now over some very grow up issues I never had to worry about before, I am still hoping God will and trusting God to work things out. 

By the way, why did God let me have autism? I don't know. Some days I feel He did it to be cruel, and others I realize God may actually have autism too. PLATYPUS! Either way, God loves me and I love Him; my friends love me and I love them. And my friends have been, are continuing and will continue helping me along the path in life. Tom is my biggest advocate right now. And I thank God for him every day. I also thank God for Janet. And my mom. And my therapists. And even for the mistakes others made with me and the mistakes I made. We can all grow from those mistakes. 

I'm sure Tom and I will have many more discussions regarding church decisions that we have to make so I don't get hurt again and can continue progressing and avoid regression. And that's okay. 

And if that group of people is reading this? I love you. And I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me too. 

I Am Healing

Even though I still have some physical struggles and even though I have to constantly deal with the challenges of autism and ADHD, I wanted to share my thoughts. I am healing in ways that most people cannot fathom or understand.

I am healing.

I have immune deficiency. 

I wait for the day we can move forward into a life of infusions.

I am healing. I no longer NEED my ADHD medicine and it is now completely out of my system.

I am less fidgety, except when nervous or tired and then I cannot control my need to fidget anyway.

I have autism. 

But I am different, not less.

Treat me like you want to be treated.

Respect me like you want to be respected.

Give me my dignity. 

Help me to bring out my verbal communication.

Do you see how I am gifted in puppets and painting and music and writing? Use my gifts to help me communicate, to help me feel useful, to help me be me.

I have a mom.

She is persistent and relentless.

Don't hurt her baby. 

She might become a mama bear.

Grrrrowl!

I have a friend.

He was a pastor to me.

But now he's just my friend.

He's still a pastor for others though.

He is also like a second (and better) human dad.

He has a special connection with me that I cannot explain.

But it is good and it is necessary and God let it happen.

He believes in me even when I struggle to believe in myself.

He believes in me even when others might not.

He is compassionate and God gave him a big heart.

Because of me and his connection with me, he is now better prepared for a future in which the world has to hurry and start adapting in order to not just be aware of autism, but to embrace those of us who have autism so we can feel loved and accepted, so we can belong, so we can fit in, so we can function as a part of society. 

My friend will be part of the revolution in churches that will spearhead the adaptation of this world. 

My friend is special.

My friend is brave and courageous. He has to be in order to be my friend.

He is consistent and gracious. 

He is loving and tenderhearted.

He is my friend.

I have another friend.

She can seem kind of quirky. Then again, so can I!

She is an artist. Just like me!

She has an easy spirit. Just like me!

She has lots of love. Just like me!

Once you get deeper with her, you get a true friend with a loving heart that is so big that there's no way to escape the love.

I am learning to know God and to see God. 

My friends help a lot with that.

I don't get God in the books. 

I don't see God in the books or in church.

I hear about God at church.

I read about God in the books.

But I feel God. 

God is in the nice, cool breeze on a hot summer day.

God is in the light, refreshing rain after a long, hot week. 

God is in the babbling creek that you get your toes wet during a hot day at the park.

God whispers through creation.

I'm different, so I sense God differently.

See that beautiful rose, so delicate and frail? That's God!

Hear that tiny kitten mewing? That's God!

See a community rise up together after a disaster? That's God!

Feel loved by friends and family? Even that's God!

I was hurt really bad.

By someone who was supposed to be a dad.

By some people who called themselves friends.

By people who said they cared.

Some of them are no longer in my life. 

Others are reunited and also went through their own struggles.

Even though I am different, I am also the same.

We all struggle.

We all need to feel loved and accepted.

We all need to heal.

I am healing.

I am brave.

I am a friend.

I am a child.

I am an adult.

I am a person.

I am God's creation.

I am me!

I am gifted.

I am talented.

I am smart.

I am beautiful in spirit.

I am fun.

I am funny in my own way.

I am creative.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am valuable.

I am growing.

I am able in my own ways and sometimes with help.

I am healing.

Friday Thoughts

So my friend Tom is leaving for about two weeks and this is going to be a really trying time for me as we haven't gone that long without communicating since things transitioned in January. I don't know if he understands how much this is going to test me and how much he will be missed.

I have a job interview Monday afternoon. 

Social group graduation on the 21st.

Oncologist on the 16th.

I want to speak from the heart now.

Ever since I started writing because of what happened and the conflict that started me writing, it was because people wouldn't let me have a voice in things. They blamed me even though the start of the conflict really was not my fault. Not when you fully assess what started it. 

And although maybe when I look back, I could have done things differently in terms of my response, but I honestly did not have the tools I have now. However, neither do I feel like the other parties truly acted with the grace they spoke so much about. 

I honestly do not believe that anyone fully understands grace until they are at a point in which they are forced to seek it out and happen to find the one or two people who consistently demonstrate it to them. For me, Tom has been THE main person who has done exactly that.

Tom has seen me through the worst of times and now some of the best of times. Yet he has not once abandoned me even when he has probably had every reason to do so. Because of his example, I can now see where God can handle whatever I throw at Him and yet will still be there waiting for me at the end of it all. 

But I also want to say that I will never be anything but honest. Yet I do feel like there may be others who have been less than honest with me and things are starting to unravel as a result. It is frustrating at best. I am asked to be honest, yet they are not being honest with me. And it hurts. 

I have a hard enough with trusting people, with trust in general, and this does not help. All I have ever wanted is the truth. And I have given them every chance I can to be honest with me. They still have that chance even now. Why? Because of grace. 

I am going to write a few letters over the summer to a few of them because I feel it would be the most appropriate thing I can and should do because I need to get some things off my shoulders if I want to heal from the hurt that was inflicted on me by their actions. And maybe by my taking this first step, they will respond in kind. 

Who knows? But surely it cannot hurt to try. Especially since Tom can attest to the growth I have had these last few months. 

I will never be perfect. Neither will they. But there are things that we all could have done better to better preserve the dignity and the respect and the integrity and the peace and the purity of each other and of the church. 

It will not presently change anything. Not as long as their man made document exists. Because I still feel it is unbiblical. And honestly, they just do not have the necessary resources in place to integrate people, particularly adults, with special needs right now and until they do, it is not the safest place. But who knows? Maybe one day, with Tom's compassion and firsthand experience, and the fervent prayers and strategic mobilization efforts of others, they will. And as Tom and I talked about one time, he'll have the honor of saying, "I told you so" to the others because of God's ironic plans. 

My heart remains with my friends, but I have to move forward right now and I have to heal, so for the season, I have to be in a different church where resources are already in place. 

I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Because I cannot clarify things with Tom until after he's back and I don't need it weighing me down on top of the fact I'm already missing him! 

God and Autism

If you follow my YouTube channel (TheSes31), you will see a series of videos called Stop! Look! AND LISTEN! The inspiration of the videos began with my wonderful friend Tom. We were talking and he commented how one of my gifts is painting (I am fairly new and my friend Janet helped me with my last finished piece but you will have to ask Tom to show it to you). But I then commented how painting was a challenge to overcome. He asked what I meant so I explained that I have texture issues, particularly slimy textures and paint is slimy, but painting is helping to open the door to possibilities of introducing new foods in my already limited diet (I still don't like mushrooms even though I learned I'm not allergic to them. World's most vile whatever it is. Yuck!). So them we got to talking about some different slimy foods. Anyway, it was this discussion that inspired my video series.

April is autism awareness month and April 2 is World Autism Awareness Day (Light It Up Blue). I also thought my videos could give a personal insight into what being an adult on the spectrum is like.

Do you know that about a year into ABA therapy I am a lot better off now than I was last year? The Susan that Tom knows right now is a different Susan. One year ago, I could hardly look anyone in the eyes, was barely verbally communicating needs/desires/wants, was lashing out a lot because I didn't know how to communicate because I didn't know how to identify my feelings or the triggers of my feelings, and I was barely smiling. I still have a long way to go before I can even attempt a J-O-B, but I have made progress. Today, I am still moderately verbal (I don't communicate as well verbally as I do in writing and I still am not verbal with people I barely know (like at the new church)), and tragically, when reviewing an application for Camp ASCAA, I determined I wouldn't be eligible for regular camp because of my lack of verbal communication with people I barely know. If I got hurt, how would I be able to express my needs if I can't even verbally identify what caused the hurt?

But Friday was Good Friday and yesterday was Easter (my first REAL Easter by the way). My last video to date was about Autism and God. Let me just say this, creation is like autism. God had a set order, and no two things are exactly alike, and all the colors, and well, the platypus. In some ways, I feel God has autism. And most of us on the spectrum are very in tune with nature. If you go for a walk with me in Heardmont Park (and if you haven't done this yet, summer's coming so make arrangements with me), we will talk some but mostly we will observe and listen. I hear God in nature. I hear God when Tom talks with me and we're working through some heart issues. I hear God in music.

And even though some of us on the spectrum are not verbal or not as verbal, we still communicate. But like trying to listen to God, you sometimes have to listen with heart rather than just with your ears. And Tom, if you're reading this, you're ready to do heart listening in our friendship. Because I'm ready to let you.

That is why my video series emphasizes listening so much. Because once you learn to listen, you then gain understanding of the challenges we face on the spectrum. The world is noisy. My mother is learning this herself now. It's never too late to learn to listen.

No Other Words Needed Right Now

Thank you Tom!

Second Month Days 9 Through 12

God is a treasure we are to hunt, but the journey will not be easy. (Dear God, let me not forget that You are the greatest treasure of all. Yes, finances are important, but they are not as important as You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Remember Mary and Martha? Mary sat at the feet of Jesus listening to Him and enjoying His presence while Martha was all busy busy busy! But Martha got scolded. What are you doing that causes you to be so busy? Are you so busy that you barely have time for God let alone for yourself, your family, your friends? Stop. Make time for God and He will reward you and make your time less busy and more productive. (Dear God, I pray that my friend Tom will be able to have time to not be busy, but to be productive and to have time to just stop and enjoy You, his family and his friends (including me) who can encourage him and be a breath of fresh air for him during this busy time this week. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Are you having a dark time? Look closely! God's peace is a light that breaks through that darkness! Take courage!

God knows your every thought and your thoughts are precious to Him! That nice new car or those nice shiny blingy-blings will not make you as happy as the commercials say. Only God can fulfill that innermost longing.

Dear God, we are living in a me-me-me world that says if we want to be happy we need to look a certain way, do a certain thing, drive a certain car, be some mathematical or creative genius, like a certain thing, etc. But until we delight in You, we will never be fully content. I am guilty of this. Sometimes I place more value on certain people than I do on You. Sometimes I let people try to change me into something I am not, someone You didn't create me to be. And it frustrates me. You created me perfectly in design even though in nature, I am but a broken reflection of You. I'm sorry that I sometimes idolize my friends, particularly Tom. I still love him and still hold a high value of him, but he should not be more valuable than You. And I thank You that he is teaching me that as he also is teaching me about true friendship. It's definitely a struggle! But I take more comfort as I am learning to rest in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Second Month Days 3 and 4

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Are you worried or anxious? What are you focusing on? Today is a gift from God and He already knows what will happen! Take a breath and refocus on God.

Do you have self-doubt? Do you feel like you're just not good enough or that no one cares? Stop comparing yourself to others! God made you the way He wanted you! Don't worry about what others think. Walk with God.

Dear God, I AM worried! I am worried about Tom and about not getting to talk to my friend. I am worried about not getting to see him ever again because of BUSY-ness. I am worried that he is TOO busy. I am worried about finances. Will we have enough to make it through another month of bills and doctors? Thank You God for creating me how YOU wanted me to be. Autism explains me, but it doesn't define me. The people who can look past the autism and see me as You made me and love me for who I am, who I was created to be, are the ones who point me back to You when I lose focus-people like Tom and my mom. The ones who try to change me or focus on my autism but fail to see me and love me for who I am, for who You created me to be, are not worth trying to compete with. Forgive me for getting so frustrated that I say I wish I didn't have autism or that I hate how You made me. Refocus my eyes, my heart on You. Help me. Refocus each of our eyes and hearts so we can rest in the peace that You are in control of everything, all the way from how our white blood cells work to how a missions conference will go. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

By the way, God, I love Your humor. Wal-mart has two piece swimsuits on sale now (before Valentine's Day), and in Alabama, we will surely have one last cold snap the first weekend in April. Hehe.

A Simple Prayer

Dear God,

Bless my friend Tom as he prepares for an upcoming missions conference. Help him stay sane and get some rest. Help him get some breaks in the chaos even if just a few minutes at a time. Help me to continue to trust that he will still be there and won't forget me.

Please God, my family is in a financial crunch. Help us make ends meet, afford medicine, utilities, doctors, lab tests, food, therapy, and transportation. Give us peace and rest as we still battle for answers to why I keep getting sick. We may be having to have a bone marrow biopsy this year. Help me stay calm in Your strength as we gear up for this possibility.

There are others who are worse off even than my family even though I may not anyone personally. Help me to remember that when I feel disgruntled and want to complain.

Thank You God for Jesus. Thank You for loving the unlovable enough to show grace when we really did nothing to deserve that.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

I Have to Play Catch Up Now I'm Better

Tomorrow will be my catch up post. Being sick is rough! Sinus infection. Severe. Mom said she nearly fainted when they told her how much the medicine was. I said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you it was the expensive medicine and we haven't met the medicine deductible yet!" Oops!! Nearly $200 for 10 pills. And I can't start them until the morning because I need to sleep! The ENT sprayed stuff in my nose and it is helping me feel better already. Smily is back!

By the way, praise God for small miracles and forgiving friends like Tom. Seriously, if I could take him with me everywhere I would! Today I transitioned again. And now I got a book to help me with that transition. My mom got it at her parent group during my social group.

Have to get dog vaccinated. Sadly late due to cost. But definitely have to do it because later this year I have to board my deaf dog and cat with megacolon so I can do a weekend camp/retreat for special needs.

Definitely planning on selling art and maybe looking at doing puppet shows on donations so I can raise money for churches and other organizations to help them establish special needs ministries for adults, particularly adults with autism like me. As soon as I finish piece number two, it will go on semi-public display and anyone who sees it can make an offer on it.

I am feeling God moving me right now. I just don't have all the specific information. I think I'm starting to understand what missionaries go through!

Keep my family in prayers. Keep my friends, especially Tom in prayers. Keep praying for the little boy in south Alabama an for my family and friends who live and work down there.

With a Broken Heart

Why is that always seems that I'm the only one who ever cares? In friendship, it seems I'm the only one who cares to make it work. The other person seems to care less, and then the friendship fails. In church, it seems like I'm the only one who understands that special needs children AND adults are just important as anyone else? God gifted them the same and intended them to serve Him just the same. Yet some churches just don't seem to get that and work ever so much harder to exclude those with special needs essentially pushing them away from church and worse, away from God. Oh dear Tom, you seem to always think I'm being "demanding," but did you ever stop to think that maybe for once it really isn't me who is being demanding but maybe rather that you're just probably not really understanding me? I have tried. But apparently I have failed. But you'd be crazy to let me push you away so easily just because we disagree. However, here's where we have a problem: I asked for boundaries which you didn't want to set then when I tried to insist on adhering so rigidly to the boundary you did set, you said you didn't mean it literally. But you forgot you are dealing with a literal thinker, thanks to the autism. So when you called me demanding-after two days of no responses whatsoever and by virtue of the FIRST boundary today is MY day, it devalued me as a person with feelings. We both need to repent and regroup and talk with each other. And we both need to re-establish with each other what our expectations are. But in the meantime, I mourn the potential loss of my FIRST and ONLY REAL friend. I am sad. I hope we're still friends, but I don't know anymore until and unless you call me again. But sadly, it now shapes up to the only time I have left this week is Friday. I am at a loss on the jar project until then.

God in the Snow?

Snow is almost magical in nature. You can be having the worst day ever and when it snows, you have to cheer up. The magic and innocence of snow. One of God's special treats.

Days 13 and 14

First, a confession. I REALLY miss my friend Tom right now. Like yesterday, I really wanted to send him a text to let him know when I would have my new church membership vows and to ask him if he could come. I would be honored if he can come as my friend to support me as I move into the new chapter in my life. But I resisted and set it in my calendar to make sure to text him when he is back. Or after church next Sunday. I am at odds with myself right now as I struggle to honor and respect him and his time with his new granddaughter and his older granddaughter an his family.

Now about my readings today (I am behind so I read yesterday and today). Yesterday was about seeing each day as an adventure. Basically expecting a dynamic life! Wow! How quickly some forget that life itself is dynamic when in the name of an activity being "dynamic," they choose instead to exclude someone because she has autism and might unknowingly an unintentionally hurt someone by her actions or words. What little they know when they never give her a chance to start with! What little they know.

Today was a bigger lesson though. We can look good on the outside but still be broken on the inside and we don't need to put on a facade with God. A safe church is a church that not only realizes how broken we all really are, autism or no autism, and embraces everyone regardless of who or what they are or do. A safe church is a church where people can really put away the facade and not have to worry about being punished for it. They don't have to worry about being punished for being honest, even if it hurts someone. They don't have to worry about punished for how God created them. They don't have to worry about being excluded because the church finds out that they have sin in their life or that they have autism. After all, if the church is a safe church, they know that everyone is broken and they embrace the reality of grace as they show it to EVERYONE equally across the board, autism or not.

Today's lesson helped me feel more "normal." And the scripture: Romans 8:38-39. Nothing can separate me from God. Not my autism and not what some church or some people in some church did to hurt me.

Knowing that, I am going to trust that God is still with me as I move into this new chapter in my life. I am scared, but God knows exactly what He's doing for me. And He isn't letting me go that easily.

So now I know what Tom has been actively demonstrating to me by being a friend to me through this time! Whoo hoo!!! Milestone!

Dear Autism

You have so vehemently stolen away most of my chance at a "normal" life for I will never be quite "normal."

And though you're not as cruel to me as Alzheimer's was to my grandpa, you're still wicked evil at times.

However, I am fighting to overcome your challenges. For I will sure as heck not let you win!

I have a brain and I am blessed to be so painfully smart.

Even though you stole my ability to connect normally with my friends, and God bless every friend who has actually stayed by my side despite of you for they will later laugh and say to those who didn't that they knew better and they teach me about love and grace and reflect God in ways I may never truly be able to grasp on my own, but even though you stole that, I still have more.

I am creative in both performing and visual arts. I love music, dance, puppetry, sign language, Spanish, French, reading, and films. I am still quite innocent as the world has not stolen away all of my innocence yet. My ability to connect with children is beyond amazing! I am learning to paint even though you make me afraid of slimy textures. And above all, I LOVE life and I LOVE people, especially my SAFE PEOPLE.

Tonight I thank God and apologize as well, but I thank God for my friends like Tom who take the time to learn about me and who in spite of the worst I could ever do STILL love me and stay by my side. And I guess if that's what grace is like, then maybe God is that much better.

So dear Autism, you can try all you want to steal my chance at a "normal" life away, but you will NOT steal my essence or me away with it.

Sincerely,
Essie, SES

Where Is God in the Practice of Medicine?

I discovered that the antibiotic I was on this weekend can cause mood disruption. Let's just say that I decided it is for the best of everyone to STOP taking the medicine and just deal with the possible infection until I can follow up with my regular doctors or get a new physician. I realize that it may tax my immune system, but I am also trusting that I can manage. After all, if it's a viral thing, the antibiotic will not help anyway. As I asked, where is God in the practice of medicine? Isn't He called the Great Physician?

I Wish I Was Normal!

It's sad when a church causes someone to feel so hurt that they would speak those words. It's the biggest insult to God.

But sadly, the document they have me was deemed as abusive, discriminating, and bullying.

So now what? I can't stay because I'll be excluded. But I don't want to lose my friends.

I'm not safe where I am now. I never will be until they start practicing Matthew 25.

What they did is wrong. They hurt me and hurt my relationships because of that one document.

"Flagrant disregard for the peace and purity of the church." Because I consulted experts to try to protect everyone from implications caused by the document. But yet they did the same thing to me spreading word about me against me.

I'm being excluded because I have autism.

I'm afraid. Afraid to lose my friends but more afraid to stay. Staying means excluded. Going means I lose my friends.

I'm confused. And I'm hurt.

Dear God, I'm sorry You made me the way You did. I wish I was normal. Because maybe then I wouldn't be excluded. I'm sorry for insulting You. Please forgive me. Amen.

Who Is Your Neighbor in a Broken World?

I was going to write this on my general topic blog, but then decided that it would probably fit better on this blog because as a fairly new believer, I'm actually thinking that this particular topic is better suited over here because it addresses social issues that the churches might need to investigate further and act upon. Church,  stand up and fight!

You see, I'm confused.

President Obama recently announced his support of same-sex "marriages." Now the media has had a field day questioning if he is gay. Hmmm....

In local Alabama news, a girl who is gay claimed she was excluded from a senior class composite and yearbook for being gay.

Evidence that President Obama cannot be gay? For one thing, he IS married to a woman and has two daughters. For the entire time that he has been in office, he has been the subject of harsh criticism. Come on people, he got into office at the start of a recession that was actually beginning before President Clinton got out of office. President Bush the second got all the blame for it. President Bush the second got us engaged in a war that we really did not need to be involved with while also engaging in a war that we did need to be involved with. President Bush never proactively did anything about our failing healthcare system in which insurance companies profit from underinsured individuals and raise premiums because hospitals are not getting the money owed to them by individuals who are rich enough to pay for their own healthcare but manage to get out of it because they do not have insurance and also because of people living in America illegally living off of slave wages taking the jobs that American citizens need. Do you know who paid for that $40,000 appendectomy? An underinsured individual who not only paid for his/her own medical care, but also the care of the uninsured.

President Obama took a Republican concept for reforming health insurance and got it passed and signed into effect. He has received nothing but criticism for it. Republicans now claim it is illegal to mandate that individuals get insurance. Why? Isn't theft also illegal because as it stands now, all the uninsured people out there stole thousands of dollars from me and my health care and I am underinsured (meaning my insurance pays for the necessary things, but does not include dental or the speech and occupational therapies I need for my autism). And if it's illegal to mandate individual health insurance, then isn't also illegal to mandate individual drivers carry car insurance? Also, if you are reading this and you are a healthy uninsured individual, what are the reasons for you not having health insurance? Do you not value your health and your life? You don't buy car insurance AFTER having a car accident or house insurance AFTER having a tornado take your house, do you? You buy it BEFORE there's an incident. A car and a house can be replaced, but if you become sick with cancer, you may not be able to get health insurance to get the treatments you need to survive and you might end up dying. Not that cancer might not take your life anyway, but do you understand what's at stake?

President Obama gave in to societal pressure on the issue of same-sex marriage. Does this make him any less of a good presidential candidate? No. I plan to vote for him because he was proactive in the health care reform which now lets me go to my women's doctor for a yearly checkup at no charge because it's preventive care. Men had the ability to do that for their prostates long before women could and really there's no difference in what is being checked for: CANCER.

Do I support his stance? No. Because as I understand what I've been taught in my theology classes and at church, marriage is between one man and one woman and is supposed to be for life. It's a covenantal thing that was established at creation. Adam and Eve. Covenant. The two were created to be helpmates for each other. Not one inferior to the other, but equal partners. But men are supposed to be like Christ and take the lead when it comes to church attendance. And women are supposed to submit to their husbands as they would to Christ. Don't ask me to explain that one because I honestly still don't get it except that women were created smaller than men and physiological different.

The thing is that now there are even some churches that support same-sex unions as well. As much as I will refuse to condemn any church that does this or any individual that chooses this lifestyle, I also will not condone it. I will not condone it because God called it sin in black-and-white in the Bible. But I will not condemn it because God is the only one who can do that.

The facts that were presented in the local news about the girl being left out of the senior composite. From the school's stance they told her she was supposed to wear a "drape" like all the other girls. They told her again after she chose to wear a tuxedo instead. She chose not to. Basically, if that's what was stated, then that's the rule that was presented and because she broke the rule, she is dealing with the consequences. Her stance, they left her out because she's gay. Hmm.... Does that mean that gay people are exempt from rules? Because IF in fact what the school claims is true, forget her sexuality, she broke the rules. Rules are rules.

Rules are rules. Problem there. You have some individuals, even with high functioning, who are special needs and may not always get the rules. Are the rules explicitly worded so there is no room for any loopholes? Are the rules actually even realistic? And if you're saying that the person can do what EVERYONE ELSE does or that they can have the SAME ACCESS that EVERYONE ELSE has yet you are making rules that forbid that person from actually having that, then are you really being fair when what you are saying the person can do or have is not what is happening?

Special needs. Special needs are in your churches people! Open your eyes! You may not SEE it. But listen. Look and learn. Some disabilities are hidden. Do you have a person in your church who seems "defiant" or "impatient" or "impulsive?" They may seem that way, but they may have autism or ADHD. What are you, the church, doing to INCLUDE these people? Are you doing anything? Do you understand that EVERYONE has gifts that God gave them to use for Him in the church? God doesn't see a person with autism. He sees a person that He created in His image. Why are you not including him/her when God does?

His Story My Story My Story His Story

This past fall and winter/spring terms, the women's Bible study at my church has been one of unity in large group and intimacy in small groups. During the fall, we studied who God is and what God is like through a super fast paced study of the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. During the winter/spring, we began to delve more into our personal stories and learning how to REALLY LISTEN to each other. This is MY story. His story through my life and experiences.

So the BIG day came today. It was my turn to share. Only one problem. It meant communication. Communication that was not necessarily a form that I was comfortable with or ready for. I already felt the pressure of having a harder life in my short lifespan and feeling a little envious of everyone else. I had even thought in the past week that I did not even want to try to share. What could I say? How could I say it? What if it's too hard? What if it's too much? How do I tell my story without feeling unsafe?

So this past weekend, I finally landed on a solution. I hear God in music and in nature. The babbling of a creek in a park. Songs. So what if I could find a way to use that to my advantage. Use songs to help tell my story. I would still tell my story, but I would use the songs to help me communicate in a way that would feel safe for me. That way, I could just explain why those songs told my story.

So that's exactly what I did. This is my story. My story through songs. God's story through my life as told through songs.

The songs I chose that best fit my life are: "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns, "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North, "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North, "Move" by NewSong and "Get Back Up" by TobyMac.

I had some help finding scriptures to go with the songs. And I will admit, in some ways, I may have "cheated," but you know what? I was able to communicate just enough with the help of the songs. I was not trying to wimp out by using songs to help me tell my story. Nope. Wimping out would have been to back out entirely. But instead of backing out entirely, I took the creative approach to overcome my verbal communication challenges and tell my story.

So here is my story. Grant it, a small part of my story, but still my story. My part of God's bigger story.

"You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes/From the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide/She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who i once was./And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love."

(Bridge)
But don't you know who you are,/What has been done for you?/Yeah don't you know who you are?

(Chorus)
You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it that she's been given new life/But she can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight/She knows all the answers and she's rehearsed all the lines/So she'll try to do better but then she's too weak to try

Bridge
Chorus

'Cause this is not about what you've done/But what's been done for you/This is not about where you've been/But where your brokenness brings you to/This is not about what you feel but He felt to forgive you/And what He felt to make you new

II Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

To me, this song mirrors the very things that I feel and have felt on a frequent basis as I went through abuse at home and bullying at school. I did not have a safe place growing up. A lot of times when a child grows up in an abusive home, there is a lot of shame. The child sometimes has the distorted view that somehow he/she did something to deserve that treatment. But that is just not true.

"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now God you would have reached down/And wiped our tears away,/Stepped in and saved the day./But once again, I say amen/And it's still raining/As the thunder rolls/I barely hear you whisper through the rain,/I'm with you/And as your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise/The God who gives and takes away

(Chorus)
And I'll praise you in this storm/And I will lift my hands/That you are who you are/No matter where I am/And every tear I've cried/You hold in your hand/You never left my side/And though my heart is torn/I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind/You heard my cry you raised me up again/My strength is almost gone how can I carry on/If I can't find you/And as the thunder rolls/I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you/And as your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise/The God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills/Where does my help come from?/My help comes from the Lord,/The maker of heaven and earth/I lift my eyes unto the hills/Where does my help come from?/My help comes from the Lord,/The maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Revelation 7:17 (ESV) "For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Psalm 121:1, 2 (ESV) "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

In the middle of the storms that create the feelings of shame and fear, the hope is that God would intervene. And He does. It may be in unexpected ways, but eventually He always comes to the aid of His children.

"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days?/Why are you trying to earn grace?/Why are you crying?/Let me lift up your face/Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?/Why are you still searching?/As if I'm not enough?/To where will you go child/Tell me where will you run?/To where will you run?

(Chorus)
I'll be by your side wherever you fall/In the dead of night whenever you call/Please don't fight these hands that are holding you/My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side/They swallowed the grave on that night/When I drank the world's sin/So I could carry you in/And give you life

(Chorus)
Here at my side wherever you fall/In the dead of night whenever you call/Please don't fight these hands that are holding you/My hands are holding you

And I, I love you/And I want you to know/That I, I'll love you/I'll never let you go

Psalm 37:24 (ESV) "though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand."

John 10:28-30 (ESV) "I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one."

This song reminds me that no matter what, God is always there by my side. As a sort of defensive mechanism to the abuse and the bullying, I ended up becoming a perfectionist. Perfectionism is both a good thing and a bad thing. But being a perfectionist trying to earn grace and acceptance and love is not a good thing. Because no matter what I do, I can never earn that. Try as I might. So being able to trust that God is always there by my side is a constant struggle for me.

"Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North
So you thought you had to keep this up/All the work that you do so we think that you're good/And you can't believe it's not enough/All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside/So let them fall down/There's freedom waiting in the sound/When you let your walls fall to the ground/We're here now

(Chorus)
This is where the healing begins/This is where the healing starts/When you come to where you're broken within/The light meets the dark/The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out/Everything that you hide could come crashing through the door now/But too scared to face all your fear/So you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear/Sparks will fly as grace collides/With the dark inside of us/So please don't fight this coming light/Let this blood come cover us/His blood can cover us

Ephesians 1:7 (ESV) "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,..."

Romans 5:9 (ESV) "Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God."

In the past couple of years, I have started to see where God has begun a healing process with me as I learn more about what has really been going on with my physical health and other areas. Recently, I learned that not only do I have ADHD, but I also have autism. And I still need testing for dyslexia. But knowing is half the battle as now I can learn more about how I am impacted and learn how to overcome the challenges that are presented. I do not have a disease that needs to be cured. I have a challenge to overcome. And I can do it because God will bring me through it. And I am not to be ashamed of it because eventually it will come to surface. I do not need to be putting up facades because in doing that I am fighting against the very people who are trying to help me and I need help. I need to stop fighting God because He is on my side.

"Move" by NewSong
I'm a man in need of a miracle/But all I have is hope/God I need to see Your power fall/Like it did in the days of old/I know You're who you say you are/Cause You've proven that to me/But this time seems impossible/Won't You help my unbelief

(Chorus)
I need to see You move/I need to see Your hand/I'm trying to live by faith/I don't know if I can/But I know You've not changed/There's nothing You can't do/I've done all that I can/The rest is up to You/I need to see You move

Like Moses in the wilderness/Like Daniel when he prayed/Like Simeon in the temple/When he finally saw Your face/Lord like them I'm just a man/And I've got everything to lose/So what you did for them/Would you do for me/What I'm desperate for is You

Chorus

I'm finding out what it really means/To trust You Lord with everything/To trust You, really trust You

Chorus

Through everything that I have encountered in my life, all of the hardships and other challenges, I have often felt that I really do need that miracle but that all I have is hope. I struggle with trusting God, but I am learning just what it really means to trust Him.

"Get Back Up" by TobyMac
You turned away when I looked you in the eye/And hesitated when I asked if you were alright/Seems like you're fightin' for your life/But why, oh, why/Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare/You saw it comin' but it hit you out of nowhere/And there's always scars when you fall that far

(Chorus)
We lose our way, we get back up again/It's never too late to get back up again/And one day you gonna' shine again/You may be knocked down, but not out forever/We lose our way, we get back up again/So get up, get up, you gonna' shine again/It's never too late to get back up again/You may be knocked down, but not out forever

You rolled out of the dawning of the day/Heart racin' as you made your little get away/It feels like you been runnin' all your life/But why, oh, why/So you pull away from the love that would've been there/And start believin' that your situation's unfair/But there's always scars when you fall that far

Chorus

This is love callin', love callin'/Out to the broken this is love callin'/This is love callin', love callin'/I am so broken/This is love callin', love callin'

What this song speaks to me about is that no matter how hard I fall, I can't fall so far that God cannot help me get back up again and get back in the fight. Whether it's because of something that I have done or something that has happened to me, I can still get back up. It is a song of hope and a song of courage. And like Gomer in Hosea when we initially hid from God but God still pursued us, I need to stop fighting and allow people to love me.

All of this realization that I am now starting to be able to share comes on the tail of having done a study on some of the names of God and identifying situations in my own life where I have seen those names the most. I still struggle, particularly with God as a Father, but I am taking baby steps and reaching milestones. I need help and I am done fighting against those who are trying to help me.

And I know God was working in this because in each of the six different songs there was one recurring theme throughout all of them that tied them all together. Frankly, this whole experience sharing my story even though through a more creative and unique channel of using song to help tell it has been very life affirming and confirming. And that's a good thing.