A New Habit

Psalm 63:2 - So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Psalm 139:7-10 - Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take with the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 

Isaiah 40:11 - He will tend to his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.

Psalm 63 - My Soul Thirsts for You

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. But those who seek to destroy my life shall go down into the depths of the earth; they shall be given over to the power of the sword; they shall be a portion for jackals. But the king shall rejoice in God; all who swear by him shall exult, for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

Dear God, I want to believe and I want to trust You. But I am too scared. Because the last person I trusted screwed up so badly and hurt me so deeply that I am afraid to trust You. My trust has been shaken and it is not easy for me to trust anyone, let alone a God whom I am just unsure of more now than ever. I do see in Psalm 63 though that You will deal with him and the others that have hurt me so much as to cause me to stumble. God, he used the excuse of having to be a shepherd to the flock. The problem is that his analogy is weak because the way a GOOD shepherd is described, the good shepherd will leave the flock to go in search and rescue of the one who is lost. And heaven will rejoice so much more for that one than for all the others. Again, God, you know my heart with regard to Tom right now, and you know that I desire to do II Corinthians 13:11 and seek peace and aim for restoration. Soften his heart for a conversation that is much needed so that I can finally move forward no matter what direction that may be. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Avalon - Hide My Soul (YouTube)

Here I am with nothing left to say

How can I even speak?

All my dreams lie scattered

Like ashes beneath my feet

Can you see the pain behind the smiles

The tears run down my face

Will the sun ever shine on me again?

Where can I hide? Oh oh

Where can I hide? Oh oh oh

Where can I hide? Oh oh oh

I will hide my soul in Jesus

I will rest my heart in Him

When the storms of life rush over me

I will not let them in

There will be no pain in heaven

But for now and until then

I will hide my soul in Jesus

Now I know there's nothing I can do

Nothing that I can say

You alone are the anchor of my soul

Don't let me slip away

Can you see the pain behind my smile

The tears run down my face

Will the sun ever shine on me again?

Where can I hide? Oh oh

Where can I hide? Oh oh oh

Where can I hide? Oh oh oh

I will hide my soul in Jesus

I will rest my heart in Him

When the storms of life rush over me

I will not let them in

There will be no pain in heaven

But for now and until then

I will hide my soul in Jesus

Where can I hide? Oh oh

Where can I hide? Oh oh oh

Where can I hide? Oh oh oh

I will hide my soul in Jesus

I will rest my heart in Him

When the storms of life rush over me

I will not let them in

There will be no pain in heaven

But for now and until then

I will hide my soul

I will hide my soul in Jesus

I will hide my soul 

No pain, no pain in heaven

In heaven

I will hide my soul in Jesus

There will be no pain in heaven

Identity Crisis

It has been almost two years since I was referred for an evaluation for autism and was diagnosed. I was a little over 33 years and one month in age. 

During that time I was working with what I felt at that time had to be the worst group of people filled with the most hate possible. And I felt like church people were just cruel and heartless. I all but, and almost did, lose faith in God. 

I am not going to rehash anything though. But it did seem very unfair. Well, to be honest, there was a lot of unfairness in what I experienced. Diagnosed in December. Got told repeatedly I couldn't do certain things because I have autism and fill-in-the-blank with whatever misconception of autism is in existence. 

It was three or four months before I was finally connected and sent for ABA therapy. And I was only in therapy for four months when I got a fatalistic document. 

Three more months fighting the unfairness and I gave up and left. 

My friend didn't want me to go, but he let me. He knew I had to do it. He knew I was hurting and as much as he didn't want me to go, he knew that at that moment, it was what was in my best interest.

Now believe me, I gave him plenty of reason to give up on me, but he didn't. I praise him for his stubbornness. Why? Because if he hadn't been so stubborn, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So let me tell you what I have done in the ten months since leaving. 

1. I tried another church that has extensive special needs support for adults. 

2. I continued in ABA therapy.

3. I continued in a social group through Voc Rehab. 

4. I began to come out of my shell and make some friends. And I even began to develop a crush on someone. 

5. I began smiling almost endlessly. And have yet to find a person who doesn't instantaneously fall in love with me as a result. 

6. I decided I didn't need extensive special needs support. Just having a point person within the church who understands autism is enough and having friends in group activities and partners in service activities is enough. And that's true.

7. I began speech therapy. And now I have more confidence.

8. I missed a lot of church because of illness and because I simply didn't like it. 9. I started doing social outings outside of an official group and will pick up again after court.

10. I visited another church. It felt more like a concert than a worship service. I don't know why people like it. I hated it. It felt like torture.

11. I visited another church. I almost liked it until I learned that because I don't know exactly when I was converted and therefore may not have been baptized by immersion after conversion that I might have to be rebaptized. No thank you. But it's not fair to me to try to pursue it if that's going to be the sticking point.

12. I went back to the place I left. My heart never left it anyway because all my friends I already have are there. 

13. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and self-exploration during this time.

14. I have developed more artistically. With the help of another beautiful friend. She helped me do a pre-wedding collage piece for my friend and revamp an old drabby three legged table converting it to a beautiful four legged table just the right size for a precious granddaughter of my friend. I am no longer afraid of paint getting on my hands, although if it's on there too long, I will start to meltdown. And I still won't touch raw dough or raw meat. And sticky mess is enough to send me for a tailspin as is a ticking clock.

15. I have less meltdowns and the meltdowns I do still have are becoming less self-injurious in nature. 

16. I am lashing out less. I had to work on an emotional color wheel assigning colors to emotions. I hated it. But I found it to be a good start. So now I do a chart. I write, "I feel...," assign colors and words to what I feel, and then state why I feel it. Then I go to the person who led me to feel that way. The chart helps me process so I don't lash out as often. 

17. I have more confidence now.

18. I am also hugging more people because I want to. Although I will pull back if it's not someone I feel safe with.

19. I am still afraid, but I will try anything once. I now like sushi and gluten free paper dosas (Indian). But I don't like wasabi (it burns the nose). 

20. I see the positives more.

All this to say that God is leading me back to where I was and I know that even though I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go, but I am working on it and will continue to do so. 

Thanks in part to my friends, especially stubborn Tom, who through their continual love, time, energy, and grace have exemplified God's character to me and allowed me to see enough of God to help me desire God more. 

So, even though I am really anxious right now over some very grow up issues I never had to worry about before, I am still hoping God will and trusting God to work things out. 

By the way, why did God let me have autism? I don't know. Some days I feel He did it to be cruel, and others I realize God may actually have autism too. PLATYPUS! Either way, God loves me and I love Him; my friends love me and I love them. And my friends have been, are continuing and will continue helping me along the path in life. Tom is my biggest advocate right now. And I thank God for him every day. I also thank God for Janet. And my mom. And my therapists. And even for the mistakes others made with me and the mistakes I made. We can all grow from those mistakes. 

I'm sure Tom and I will have many more discussions regarding church decisions that we have to make so I don't get hurt again and can continue progressing and avoid regression. And that's okay. 

And if that group of people is reading this? I love you. And I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me too. 

I Am Healing

Even though I still have some physical struggles and even though I have to constantly deal with the challenges of autism and ADHD, I wanted to share my thoughts. I am healing in ways that most people cannot fathom or understand.

I am healing.

I have immune deficiency. 

I wait for the day we can move forward into a life of infusions.

I am healing. I no longer NEED my ADHD medicine and it is now completely out of my system.

I am less fidgety, except when nervous or tired and then I cannot control my need to fidget anyway.

I have autism. 

But I am different, not less.

Treat me like you want to be treated.

Respect me like you want to be respected.

Give me my dignity. 

Help me to bring out my verbal communication.

Do you see how I am gifted in puppets and painting and music and writing? Use my gifts to help me communicate, to help me feel useful, to help me be me.

I have a mom.

She is persistent and relentless.

Don't hurt her baby. 

She might become a mama bear.

Grrrrowl!

I have a friend.

He was a pastor to me.

But now he's just my friend.

He's still a pastor for others though.

He is also like a second (and better) human dad.

He has a special connection with me that I cannot explain.

But it is good and it is necessary and God let it happen.

He believes in me even when I struggle to believe in myself.

He believes in me even when others might not.

He is compassionate and God gave him a big heart.

Because of me and his connection with me, he is now better prepared for a future in which the world has to hurry and start adapting in order to not just be aware of autism, but to embrace those of us who have autism so we can feel loved and accepted, so we can belong, so we can fit in, so we can function as a part of society. 

My friend will be part of the revolution in churches that will spearhead the adaptation of this world. 

My friend is special.

My friend is brave and courageous. He has to be in order to be my friend.

He is consistent and gracious. 

He is loving and tenderhearted.

He is my friend.

I have another friend.

She can seem kind of quirky. Then again, so can I!

She is an artist. Just like me!

She has an easy spirit. Just like me!

She has lots of love. Just like me!

Once you get deeper with her, you get a true friend with a loving heart that is so big that there's no way to escape the love.

I am learning to know God and to see God. 

My friends help a lot with that.

I don't get God in the books. 

I don't see God in the books or in church.

I hear about God at church.

I read about God in the books.

But I feel God. 

God is in the nice, cool breeze on a hot summer day.

God is in the light, refreshing rain after a long, hot week. 

God is in the babbling creek that you get your toes wet during a hot day at the park.

God whispers through creation.

I'm different, so I sense God differently.

See that beautiful rose, so delicate and frail? That's God!

Hear that tiny kitten mewing? That's God!

See a community rise up together after a disaster? That's God!

Feel loved by friends and family? Even that's God!

I was hurt really bad.

By someone who was supposed to be a dad.

By some people who called themselves friends.

By people who said they cared.

Some of them are no longer in my life. 

Others are reunited and also went through their own struggles.

Even though I am different, I am also the same.

We all struggle.

We all need to feel loved and accepted.

We all need to heal.

I am healing.

I am brave.

I am a friend.

I am a child.

I am an adult.

I am a person.

I am God's creation.

I am me!

I am gifted.

I am talented.

I am smart.

I am beautiful in spirit.

I am fun.

I am funny in my own way.

I am creative.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am valuable.

I am growing.

I am able in my own ways and sometimes with help.

I am healing.

Don't Judge Me By What You See!

When you look at me, can you see anything wrong with me?

Can you tell that I have mitral valve prolapse, asthma, allergies, immune deficiency, gluten intolerance, ADHD, autism, and hearing loss in one ear? 

Can you tell that I lived through abuse and overcame being bullied?

Can you tell that I am anxious? That I missed my friend Tom because he was gone? That I have a crush on someone? That I am scared of being rejected by another church? 

Can you tell I love music, films, puppetry, dolphins, sign language, and painting? That I play many instruments? That I have a Deaf dog? That I have a cat with megacolon? Can you tell that I am worried about whether my mom will have a new job before next month is over and whether I will ever be able to hold a job at all?

Can you tell I am waiting on the results of IgGs to determine if I can be put on life-saving IVIG? 

Can you tell I had my appendix, gall bladder, and tonsils and adenoids removed or two sets of ear tubes?

Can you tell I have a speech disorder? That I worry about how my family will be able to afford therapy for it and autism and the technology we need to help me with my challenges? That I worry about how we can afford my new backup glasses next month and the dental work I still need? 

Can you tell that I feel scared, anxious, and glad about God?

Can you tell this from looking at me?

Saturday Thought

Saw my first ballet performance today. 

Scored a purple desk chair for $6 and a pink flamingo for $.25. 

And learned that you can possibly get whiplash from a sneeze. 

And that's how I end this weird week before Tom leaves and I have my interview. 

Two main things to pray for this week:

Pray for me to feel better and do well on the interview regardless of the outcome.

Pray for Tom as he travels this week to Japan and Thailand and for a safe return. I happen to know there is a certain someone he is wanting to meet and he has to return safely if he wants to do that!! 

Friday Thoughts

So my friend Tom is leaving for about two weeks and this is going to be a really trying time for me as we haven't gone that long without communicating since things transitioned in January. I don't know if he understands how much this is going to test me and how much he will be missed.

I have a job interview Monday afternoon. 

Social group graduation on the 21st.

Oncologist on the 16th.

I want to speak from the heart now.

Ever since I started writing because of what happened and the conflict that started me writing, it was because people wouldn't let me have a voice in things. They blamed me even though the start of the conflict really was not my fault. Not when you fully assess what started it. 

And although maybe when I look back, I could have done things differently in terms of my response, but I honestly did not have the tools I have now. However, neither do I feel like the other parties truly acted with the grace they spoke so much about. 

I honestly do not believe that anyone fully understands grace until they are at a point in which they are forced to seek it out and happen to find the one or two people who consistently demonstrate it to them. For me, Tom has been THE main person who has done exactly that.

Tom has seen me through the worst of times and now some of the best of times. Yet he has not once abandoned me even when he has probably had every reason to do so. Because of his example, I can now see where God can handle whatever I throw at Him and yet will still be there waiting for me at the end of it all. 

But I also want to say that I will never be anything but honest. Yet I do feel like there may be others who have been less than honest with me and things are starting to unravel as a result. It is frustrating at best. I am asked to be honest, yet they are not being honest with me. And it hurts. 

I have a hard enough with trusting people, with trust in general, and this does not help. All I have ever wanted is the truth. And I have given them every chance I can to be honest with me. They still have that chance even now. Why? Because of grace. 

I am going to write a few letters over the summer to a few of them because I feel it would be the most appropriate thing I can and should do because I need to get some things off my shoulders if I want to heal from the hurt that was inflicted on me by their actions. And maybe by my taking this first step, they will respond in kind. 

Who knows? But surely it cannot hurt to try. Especially since Tom can attest to the growth I have had these last few months. 

I will never be perfect. Neither will they. But there are things that we all could have done better to better preserve the dignity and the respect and the integrity and the peace and the purity of each other and of the church. 

It will not presently change anything. Not as long as their man made document exists. Because I still feel it is unbiblical. And honestly, they just do not have the necessary resources in place to integrate people, particularly adults, with special needs right now and until they do, it is not the safest place. But who knows? Maybe one day, with Tom's compassion and firsthand experience, and the fervent prayers and strategic mobilization efforts of others, they will. And as Tom and I talked about one time, he'll have the honor of saying, "I told you so" to the others because of God's ironic plans. 

My heart remains with my friends, but I have to move forward right now and I have to heal, so for the season, I have to be in a different church where resources are already in place. 

I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Because I cannot clarify things with Tom until after he's back and I don't need it weighing me down on top of the fact I'm already missing him! 

Thoughtful Thursday

Thankful too. But there's something about roses that makes me thoughtful. No two roses are exactly the same. Never. Like people. Even twins. I'm sure my friend Tom would say Amen! to that. And in my ABA session today, we focused on preparing me for mock interview Tuesday (last social group before "graduation") and some things Tom can do to help ease some anxieties I have about him leaving and being gone soon. I have to prepare my object lesson for him too.

Crying Out to God

In the modern world, I'm sorry to see You excluded from church Jesus. Maybe churches have forgotten about the least of these as they continue to reinvent discrimination. I hardly ever see mixed race churches. Most of the churches I see are rich and white. I haven't exactly seen a church with a poor congregation. I hardly see a church with special needs people. Maybe one or two in wheelchairs, but hardly any other. Apparently hand flapping and squawking is too much for them even though You God accept them and gifted them just as much as You did anyone else. I hardly ever see a church with women who came from abusive families. I hardly ever see churches open their doors anymore to the person who needs food or shelter or even a friend and a kind hearted person willing to listen. Whatever happened to real ministry here at home? You know my family is facing financial upheaval and in the meantime, I need new eyeglasses, 12 dental procedures, our garage door is broken, our mailbox post and mailbox need replacing, our dog needs a doghouse that won't have the roof fly off in the wind, I need infusions as soon as the doctor agrees to them, I need an iPad before getting a job but need a job to afford the iPad, and we need food. My mom needs a new job. Without it, I can't go to the doctors for treatment anymore and I will die. But no one is checking to see if we are okay. Not one person. No one is checking to see if we need anything. No one is doing ministry to me or to my family. No church wants me. Why? Because as soon as they found out I had autism last year at my old one, they immediately grasped every negative and untrue thing about autism and pushed me away from You. And because I got vocal, the new one has pushed me away too. I have found NO SAFE CHURCH yet. No loving church yet. No church that knows how to include You. It makes me sad. And I have tried. I have tried so hard to be a person who can be respected and belong. I have tried to be a friend to others. But no matter how hard I try, no one seems to want me. Not the way You created me. They want me to be something or someone I cannot be. The only person I have had even bother to be a REAL friend to me-Tom-I don't even know anymore if it's a friendship because he still treats me as though he were still my pastor and not entirely as a friend. After almost five months, I still don't know him as a friend. And I'm really wrestling with that. After five months, I still see no sign of being moved toward church membership. And I'm ready to just give up. It hurts God to see and to experience this. And whoever sees this may end up judging me for it, but You know what? I don't care anymore because there may be one person out there who reads this who may be able to relate to what I'm going through right now and realize that they are not alone. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I feel rejected. I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I feel unwanted. I feel isolated. I feel like no one cares. I feel like You don't care. I asked You to help with the friendship with Tom and I feel like it's unraveling and not because I didn't try. I did. But even if it wasn't his intention, I still feel neglected and unwanted by him. I asked You to help my family be provided for, and now we're about to unravel. What did I do to deserve all the bad stuff? Why have You abandoned me? Why God? Why?

Fantastic Friday

I have not quite developed my self talk yet. Many thanks to my friend Tom for his patience at my thought throwing! Especially as I work through the process of learning how to express my emotions in words without lashing out from not knowing words to help communicate. It's so interesting how one can verbally communicate yet not communicate at all. But as a result, even with about 80 percent anxiety, which hopefully will lessen next time I talk with my friend, it truly is a fantastic Friday overall. One problem: I like alliteration (Mr. Popper's Penguins film). It is strangely soothing. But how to come up with sayings for each day of the week?

Thursday Thought

Crying in the presence of another is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that the person(s) in the presence of whom one is crying is trustworthy enough for the honest bearing of the soul. Guard the hearts of those brave enough to cry in your presence for they trust you enough to not hold back.

Conversely, laughing in the presence of another either means something funny was said or done or that you are truly crazy in the head. Whichever the case may be, never be afraid to laugh at the sweat minor mistakes in laugh for the ability to laugh at one's own mistakes (like flooding a bathroom because you weren't paying close attention to how full the sink was getting) is a mark of great maturity and wisdom. Or so I hope because if it's not then I have been sorely misled by some very wise folks in my life. Guess though for me this means that unless I find someone to teach me to dance within the next week, I better be ready for laughs when I have my first not tap dance! Oops!

Behind the picture: 1. I had a mouthful of a new food. 2. My friend's reassuring words that I don't need to worry that we're not going to still be friends just because we can't always talk (though most of the anxiety is due to his upcoming trip and so coordinating our schedules will be most helpful). 3. I don't think I was supposed to combine those three ingredients together in my drink. ZIP!! But energy went up which was desired outcome.

Thank God for Fruits and Vegetables

They make beautiful flowers reminding me of God's beauty. And they make inexpensive food! Oh, and thank God for ABA and friends like Tom and Janet who push me a little more each day! I'm facing some new challenges head on now! First job application, first like/crush, first time trying bell pepper raw (with help from some meat), first dance?, lots of firsts! More to come!

Late Night Thoughts

1. I'm sorry to my friend Tom for experiencing my first real fit of jealousy last week. It's not the jealousy itself that was the problem. It's what I did because of it.

2. Life lesson: As bad we might have it, and some of us have bad, there's always someone who has it worse than we do. For example: As lacking as the U.S. is in coverage for adults with autism (and access to therapy and services and equipment grants and iPad grants and church ministries to/for/with them which often leads to exclusion which actually is an offense against the least of these and thus against Jesus), as lacking as the U.S. is, a film, Not Forgotten done by some Birmingham and other Alabama folks showed me that as lacking as we are in continued coverage and support (1 in 88 children will grow into many adults (statistics may be higher factoring adults)), we are not as bad off as others. In the Ukraine, they have even less support. There is one home. Otherwise, much like in the U.S., the children may or not go to school and many parents may stay with them hardly going anywhere for fear of what their child or adult with autism may do if they were not accompanied. Some of these children have no fathers present because the fathers took off. The mothers often quit their jobs to care for their loved one. The other choice? Institutions. Government run institutions that may treat the person as an animal. Saw the film Friday. If you get to go to a screening, please do. Was saddened to hear that as of the last few weeks that one child was turned over to an institution and a second was going to be handed over to one. These children had potential. Now they will have a "meaningless existence." Why? Because professionals and parents don't understand autism. They haven't been educated. Which brings me to something else.

3. Education. April is Autism Awareness Month. April 2 was/is World Autism Awareness Day. Okay. So now you have awareness. But you know what? Don't stop there. Education is more crucial. You see, when you go beyond awareness and educate yourself, then you truly begin to accept. And like any other human being, we, I, want to be accepted. Many of us don't tell others about our autism for as long as possible because of the misconceptions and stigmas. I spent most of last year hearing two thirds of a group that was supposed to help me tell me I couldn't do things that others in the church could do because "You have autism and because of the autism you lack empathy and might unknowingly offend someone." Forget the fact that they sent me for ABA therapy. Forget the fact that they didn't even bother to give me a chance before they just wrote me off and completely excluded me unless I agreed to sign a document agreeing to be permanently excluded from an activity non-members were allowed to do and reminding me that I was never forgiven and never going to be forgiven by the man in charge there. Forget that. Because that's not what bothered me the most an not the root of the reason I left them to find a better place, a safer place, until God changes their heart song and they establish special needs ministry for both children and adults. And I don't know if I have told Tom the root reason because up until now I never really understood the root reason myself. It wasn't just the document. It wasn't just the actions. It was the attitude. Many times last year I slapped God in the face. Many times last year I said I wished I was normal and hated how God created me. Until one third of that group finally told me to read Max Lucado's "You Are Special." Why? Because she had the same conversation with her own daughter. Her daughter has Down's. But when I looked at her daughter, I didn't see Down's. I saw a beautiful young lady with a lot of potential because she had a mom that was fully invested in her. But before that person moved, she told me that I needed to consider going somewhere else that was more accepting of people like me. And I realized that she was probably a little worried about what could happen to her own daughter there. Because until a person either has a loved one with special needs or takes time to educate themselves, they will always only ever believe the misconceptions. Which leads me to another point.

4. Tom, thank you for moving beyond awareness of autism with me. Thank you for educating yourself. And most of all, thank you for being my friend. I know I don't always show it, but I appreciate it more than you'll ever know and I love you for it. You have accepted me for me and looked past my labels at the person that God is growing me to be. You have given me freedom to make mistakes yet stayed beside me when I realize them and come running back for help processing things. You have exemplified God and Jesus and I am growing closer to them as a result. Although I'm not where we want me to be just yet, you are not rushing me before I'm ready, but neither are you holding me back when I am ready. You saw potential in me, and rather than give up because I might be slower than others, you kept encouraging me and spurring me on. And in part, because of you, I have learned determination and courage. You believed in me when others didn't. You took a risk to stay friends with me, and now look where things are: you have been seeing me through a lot of firsts! Many milestones and successes. And I'm a better person now than before. I see God through how you treat me. And God is awesome and I want more of Him. I'm still going to run back to you sometimes, but I'm running back and forth now. At least it's a start.

Finally,

5. I ask prayers. For a while now I have been feeling a nudge to return to NYC for a week or two for missions. Then I received a calling last year to do something for people (both children and adults) who have autism like I do. Currently, I am now leaning toward pursuit of becoming a licensed interpreter for the Deaf and so during this coming summer I will be going back and forth between two churches, the one I plan to join and the one I will do cultural immersion in while class is on summer break. Probably just once a month for now unless I can hit more 8:00 services then fly over to the other church. I will be juggling at any rate because it's not the first leaning toward interpreter that I have had. I think it's stronger now because I know I have autism. But here's the thing. I still have a call. And God is starting to open the doors. I started painting. And Tom knows because I told him, but I plan to start selling my art under Essie Spann, Art for Autism. And part of the proceeds will go for organizations including churches that currently are serving or are planning to start serving adults with autism. Why? Because children with autism grow up and there's not a magic wand to make the autism automatically go away when they become adults. And continued ABA therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy can help. I'm in ABA. I'm about to restart speech. I'm going to be starting back with the psychologist who tested me. And at some point, I might start OT, but for now, it's one new therapy at a time. But because of the difficulties I have been having in finding services, I want others to have it easier. Also, some of the proceeds will go towards missions projects, especially ones that help with special needs and autism. My first steps are happening now. But I'm not done yet.

Dear God, thank You for answered prayer last week with Tom's daughter's wedding. Please help bring back some of his sanity. I look forward to scheduling another visit with him soon and even finding a special time to see him for a good-bye before he goes on his trip around the globe. Also, I'm hoping he'll be able to see me "graduate" and do my membership vows in the next month or two. Forgive me for how I sinned against both You and Tom when I was jealous last week and thank You for reminding me why You put Tom in my life first as a friend and second as a father figure/role model/example/mentor. Thank You for giving him a good heart, strong enough and big enough to love me even I am not the most lovable and for him being teachable so he learns how to love me better as a friend as I also learn how to love him better as a friend. And God, I don't know if I have said it to You yet, because I am still learning, but God, I love You. Thank You for loving me too, loving me bigger. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I Really Am Human After All

Autism. Whoo hoo! Well, not all the time. But why do I title this post as I do? Maybe because for the first time this month, I have actually shown emotions that "people with autism don't have." Stupid misconceptions and even more stupid people who actually believe the misconceptions as opposed to actually getting to know the person. After all autism is a spectrum disorder which means no two of us will be the exact same! A rainbow is a spectrum of colors, right? It's not all blue or green or purple or whatever color. Right?

This month I have encountered love. Not love from friends. But love for a person who is not a friend. A crush if you would. Yep.

Today, I am experiencing my first jealousy. Toward a friend because he has a happy occasion this weekend and I lost my friend because of it which isn't fair that I lose my friend just because of the occasion. So there, I have jealousy. An no, it doesn't feel good. But until my friend talks with me and helps me process through this new emotion, I can't do anything about it. It's already a nightmare. Or a daymare.

Because now I have jealousy on top of the anxiety I already have because he'll be leaving soon for almost two weeks and I don't know if I will get to say good-bye to him before he leaves, and I know when he's gone I won't get to talk to him at all, an I also don't know if we will get to have a visit when he gets back because we haven't scheduled anything yet and he didn't call yesterday like he was supposed to and now I'm just scared because I don't know if we will ever talk again because he screwed up this week and I don't know if we're still friends anymore.

The only way we can move past this is to talk. WITH EACH OTHER. But if he won't talk to me, then I guess we'll never move past this and that we'll never talk to or see each other ever again and that he was never my friend to start with which will really hurt if that's the case, but what else am I supposed to think? He hasn't exactly been very helpful lately calling my feelings "vain imaginations."

You know what he could've done that probably would've helped things not explode? He probably could've sent a text message explaining that he would not be able to call as previously planned because of whatever the reason but that he would call me on whatever day next week. You know what he could do to help ease the anxiety about him leaving? He could call or text and we could plan a day and time that I could see him and say bye to him before he goes and we could go ahead and tentatively schedule a visit that I could look forward to for as soon as he gets back.

But instead, he hasn't done that and that lack of action has exacerbated things which caused a meltdown.

Now I'm not sorry that I feel these emotions. They are, after all, REAL emotions and they make me human. However, like all humans, I sinned today. But I can't ask for forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. However, if he is my friend, I can hope that he will offer forgiveness anyway.

His turn.

Spring, Love, Weddings, Growth, and Tom

Ah! Spring! God gave us spring to remember renewal of life.

Love! Spring is a reminder of love as many people get married during this time of year.

To be in a relationship. That is a human desire. God created us to be with others. After all, consider Adam. God saw it fit to create Eve.

But relationships are not easy. For some people, relationships are scary and painful. Especially for people who have autism.

You know what though? I have a great friend. He has been diligent. He has consistently been showing me what friendship is. I miss him right now even though we talk. A lot. But he is also a father figure right now. Which is really awesome.

He has really been a blessing and an encouragement at a time when I have felt so alone in the world (right now). And I have been through a lot the past couple of years. I have also grown a lot the past couple of years.

"I'm proud of you." Next to "I love you," no other words mean so much to me. Those words lift my spirit even on a rough day.

And you know what? My friend might be turning 53 this summer but here's the neatest thing: He's also growing. He has grown so much in his understanding and appreciation of me that it has started having an overflow so that I can appreciate him in return along with others. And that means so much more to me than anything.

His kindness and graciousness and forgiveness to me, his gentleness and patience with me, these are all things I have started seeing with God too. Before, God was just this scary personified being somewhere in the sky waiting for me to mess up so He can strike me down. But now, I see love, care, and generosity.

And sometimes, that's all it takes. The kindness and love of ONE person.

Although I would feel better if I knew if and when he and I can and will be able to have some in person time again. My heart really misses him right now even though he's so close (distance).

But we celebrate two things (well, more than that, but still): God growing my heart so that I might actually be ready for relationships with others (I'm smiling because my friend has fallen into father mode with me because I have developed a crush on someone close to my age, and my friend has been very playful about it because he's getting to be a prime example of what a godly man is, and honestly, my friend is an example of what I want in a relationship). We also celebrate the upcoming wedding of his middle daughter.

And now I have something to say to him directly: Tom, you're ready for this. You can do it. You're not losing a daughter but gaining a son. And you have a heart that God is growing. You have taken me under your wings in the process. So essentially, you gained another kid along the way. As long as you have all of your kids, be they biological or not, you are not ever going to lose any of them even when it's time to let them take flight on their own. I hope it makes sense to you what I have just said because I stink at sentimentality. And I'm not sure I understand what I said!

Dear God, thank you for my friend Tom. Thank you for his example. Be with him during this time. May he be reminded of how proud I am of him too. He didn't want me to take flight at first, but he let go and I'm starting to soar. As he has seen with me, the baby bird always comes back to its imprinted parental figures. Even when we are released, we still come back. The goal is that over time, we need him and others less as we grow into ourselves. And he has told me a lot lately that I am starting to grow into myself, into who You created me to be. Be with him next week. Give him strength. Be with him when he goes on his upcoming trips and bring him back safe. And please if You would, allow us time to visit in person again when he returns from that. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Hi God

Hi God! Are You there? I wanted to tell You thanks for helping my eye reach 80-85 percent improvement. But please keep working on it so I will have complete restoration of my vision.

God, I want to apologize for the times I have wished You didn't create me the way You did. My friend Tom really encouraged me the other day and now we're both able to have wonderful conversations about the insanity of wedding preparations (why do women always seem to feel they must torture themselves to look good for all of a few hours in some fancy expensive dress they'll never wear again anyway?). Tom, if you figure that answer out let me know but after hearing what your observations are, I'm thinking shorts, t-shirt and flip flops are going to be wedding apparel if God ever brings me anyone. Haha!

Anyway, God, today is World Autism Awareness Day and Light It Up Blue. Thank You.

As more people become aware of and get educated about autism, more churches might start ministry outreach to individuals on the spectrum and their families (children and adults).

Anyway, I mostly wanted to say thank You. By the way, Tom, thanks for the perspective!

In Jesus' Name, Amen!

An Easter Prayer

Dear God,

I was reading tonight in Jesus Calling A Bible Storybook about Jesus dying on a cross for my sins and coming back to life again. Honestly, I am somewhat baffled by everything. Why did You punish Your Son for what I would do?

I also read that if I put my trust in You and believe You that I would be saved for eternity. Sometimes I don't know if I am or am not.

My friend Tom, he is a good mirror of You. He said he's a weak example, but he is the main one I have right now. But God, if Tom is a mirror of You, then how much greater can You be?

God, I ask You to forgive me of my sins. For I know I am a sinner. I may not always openly act out, but I know I do sin, even in my heart. So I ask for Your forgiveness of my sins. I thank You for sending Jesus to die for me on the cross so I won't have to face eternity separated from You. I ask You to give me strength and mercy. I ask You to help me to trust You and to grow my faith in You. I thank You for the example Tom has been so far and will likely continue to be as You grow our friendship in the way that is not only appropriate but also the healthiest. Help us to both be open to each other and to listen with our hearts. I ask for complete healing of the corneal inflammation my right eye and complete restoration of total vision. I ask for Your provisions for my family - financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially. Tom said that You created me the way You did for a purpose. So thank You for creating me with autism and ADHD and everything else I have. Help me to always remember that these things don't define who I am, but why I am the way I am. And for what's it's worth, I guess they don't do that, You do. Thank You for grace that does give many many chances and doesn't expect absolute perfection this side of Heaven. And please help churches understand people like me with autism so they can better minister to and with us and help us use our gifts to serve You. Thank You again for my friendship with Tom. Give him peace and rest as his daughter's wedding takes place soon. Help Tom be safe when he globe trots. Please let us have another in person quality time soon enough, if not before he globe trots then after. Help prepare my heart for the separation there will be when he's around the globe so I don't miss him too much. Thank You for being in my heart and please help me to learn to follow Your lead for me and my life-job, medical, church, social skills, friends, etc. I'm sorry for having too many words. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Prayer for My Friendship with Tom

Dear God,

I want to believe Tom when he says he's a friend, but then when he fails to keep his word about calling me or even brushes me off as not important, it hurts and I struggle to believe. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

I'm tired of trying to explain to him that friends shouldn't be squeezed into his work schedule. Friendships that are not work related but personal which is what we have now should be on personal time. But he doesn't get it. And it hurts.

I'm trying to understand that he also has family, but then that's when it really hurts. He just doesn't seem to have room or time for me. At all. Last week, we had our first in person time in three months and I understood that we were to have 1.5 hours, but we only had half that. Then earlier this week, he assured me that we'd talk later this week, and he hasn't called at all! It's a repeating pattern. Each time, the pain and frustration I feel get worse. Please help.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

P.S. I read that the pink eye could've caused my corneal inflammation which is robbing me of my vision and trying to rob me of my independence, my ability to drive. I'm scared about the prospect of needing surgery. I need my friends. I need Tom most of all. Why doesn't he get it?

P.P.S. If Tom isn't my friend anymore, then I don't want You anymore either!

Thank You

Thank you Tom Patton for being a really good friend. You truly are an amazing example of what God's grace is like. Goodness knows I've given you plenty of reasons to give up on me, but you're still there spurring me onto better things.

Thank you Janet Jerez for being a positive influence right now.

Thank you to the Patton family who has taken me under its wings, ever so slowly, but has made me feel very loved even in a time when I felt unlovable.

Thank you Elizabeth Brown for your prayers.

Thank you momma for birthing me. I always have been a bit of a challenge since my conception.

Thank you God for even on my worst days You are helping me grow in my faith and trust, not just in You but in others, especially Tom. And that's awesome!

Thank you to all the new and old friends who are in my life. I wish I could thank each person by name, but then this post would take three years to read!

Dear God, thank you for my friends and for Your protection. Please help the technicians and the doctors tomorrow to be able to find out what is causing the pain and the intestinal blockage, and if it requires surgery, guide their hands. Please show us Your provision right now. I usually wouldn't ask for monetary provision, but that is what we need right now. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Prayer

I can't read my devotionals right now and I can't write what I learn. Hopefully I'll get time to do so this weekend. Right now my heart really aches for Heaven. As I join with many others whom Congress forgot they work for just to protect their pockets (they love money too much which is the root of evil), we, the least of these, cry out. Will the children with special needs still have services Monday? Will the disabled like myself ever have their day to fight for their disability because they received a letter declaring they couldn't work the jobs they had before because of their disabling conditions? Will they even still have a house when that day might finally come? Will they have food to eat tomorrow? Will they have access to services like voc rehab as they fight their disabling conditions to try to get ready to get a job that just simply doesn't exist for them because no one wants to hire someone who has medical conditions that cannot be insured until next year? What about the veterans like my mother who may not even have a job or access to much needed health services? What about everyone with mental health issues, asthma, allergies, immune deficiencies? Without the grants many of the doctors get now, some people, like me, may not be able to receive essential care. Why? Because of greedy politicians who forgot that the tax system was originally designed so that the more money a person earned, the more they paid in. Jesus said that how you treat the least of these is how you treat Him. The problem? Apparently no one has respect for Jesus anymore. They just threw Him out on the street, cold, naked, wounded, hungry, thirsty. And they left Him. To die. Here Jesus. I don't have much either but you can have some of what I do have. Where are the churches now? Will they finally step up to the plate as millions right here at home need them now more than ever? The churches I know of emphasize global missions for an entire week, yet home missions gets all of one day. ONE day! Why? If churches really wanted to equip people to go out and serve, it seems they would be in the business of home missions for more than just one day? But are they? I'm scared tonight. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared that there really is no church in my area that will ever accept and include adults with special needs. I'm scared that Tom is not really my friend even though he says he is. Because he and I have not had in person time in three months and will we ever? Or is it a dying friendship? I hope not but I'm scared. And I'm sick with grief. Too much injustice. You see, they call people who care about the least of these socialists and say there is no place for socialism in America. Sadly, if caring about the least of these makes someone a socialist, then Jesus was a socialist because he cared. But if there's no room for socialism in America, and many of these same people falsely claim that America was founded on Christian beliefs, then what they have basically said is that there is no room for Jesus in America. Oh how my heart aches for Heaven right now.

No Other Words Needed Right Now

Thank you Tom!