Psalm 25

Teach Me Your Paths

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. 

For your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.

Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me to be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

Dear God, 

What would You have me learn from this passage? You will teach me Your paths and lead me in Your truth. You are the God of my salvation. You are merciful. Your love is steadfast. You are faithful. You are gracious. God, You know that which troubles me. You know my heart. You know my fears. You have a heart for the least of these. You will not allow republicans to take away their access to healthcare. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Safe and Secure

"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe." - Proverbs 29:25

Other translation: Being afraid of people can get you into trouble. But if you trust the Lord, you will be safe. - Proverbs 29:25

Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." - Genesis 3:13

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6 

Other translation: Jesus answered, "I am the way. And I am the truth and the life. The only way to the Father is through me." - John 14:6 

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:31-32 

Focal verse in other translation: "Then you will know the truth. And the truth will make you free." - John 8:32

Dear God, 

You ARE the only one who can keep me safe and secure for all time. So I ask this day, this hour, that You do just that. Keep me safe no secure against the harm the republicans are trying to bring upon those of us who have complex medical needs. I trust You to do that. Because You said You will. God, the devil says we don't You. And that's what worries me about someone like Trump. He says He doesn't need You or forgiveness. He goes around with hate messages. His party acts with such vile hatred. His supporters also act with vile hatred. They bully people like me for standing up for our convictions and the truth. The truth WILL set me free! The truth will keep me from becoming blinded by someone that seems to know how to appeal to the dumb and misguided. Please continue to speak nuggets of truth into my heart and into my mind. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

Sticks and Stones

Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 

James 1:19-20 - Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires.

Dear God, Help me as I prepare myself to write the words You gave me for the letter to Tom. Help me to keep it short and simple and also to write it in such a way that he will be willing to respond. Maybe I should just tell him that if he wants to know the truth to reach out to me. Just let him know that what he thinks he knows is not what really happened. Tell him briefly the truth. And nothing but the truth. Give him the window to come through for the rest. Offer him the chance to receive forgiveness. His actions were louder than his words. His actions broke my spirit. His actions were hateful. His actions didn't jive with what a Christian should do or even what a Christian is called to do. But I know his actions also didn't line up with how he acted toward me before the conflict arose either. And that is why I have hope that if I write the letter, he will do the right thing and the conversation that needed to happen will happen. Better months later than immediate because at least by now, both of us should have had time to cool off. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Actually, words can be more damaging to the soul. I still carry scars from all the times when damaging words were spoken. Mikki - "If you cannot focus, then maybe you shouldn't come to church at all." Way to infer that my ADHD and my ASD should be used as an excuse for the church to discriminate against me. Tom - "Our attempts to mainstream her have been ineffective." Yeah, because they were not attempts to mainstream. They gave me a document and asked me to sign to allow them to continue to abuse me and discriminate against me! Tom - "We approached things in the wrong way. We were wrong." That was really the best thing and the most accurate thing that Tom said about all of what had happened. That is why I know in my heart that if I give Tom a second chance to come through, he most likely will. Because there is a man in there that does still care. He just needs to know that his young friend is willing to give him that second chance he needs if he is willing to ask for forgiveness. God, You really a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth and sixth and so forth. So why shouldn't we be as well, if we are Your children? Matter of fact, if we are Your children, then that is exactly how we should be! The only exception is if it is physically unsafe. And Tom knows that is not the case with me. He knew that when he told me that they claimed I was "dangerous." The only reason that those other men at his church see me as "dangerous" is because I am honest to a fault and for some reason, they feel threatened by the truth. Which does not look good for them. If the truth threatens them so much, then they have a problem with corruption. Just like politicians. Oh! Now I understand what my friend who said she was thinking about changing churches because she felt their church has become too political meant! And she is correct. And that may also need to be written to Tom. Because he needs to know. There is a lot he needs to know. That church is going to destroy him and he needs to know so he can make a wise decision before it does if it hasn't already. In the words of Ryan Pittman when he was sharing his testimony, if the church does not have special needs people involved in every aspect of its ministries, then DON'T! In other words, don't go there. And don't let them. He was right. With autism now having a 1 in 68 diagnosis rate for young children, it is time for churches to change to accommodate both children and adults. Sensory rooms, sensory friendly services, inclusion with assistance, inclusion period. These things can work well for autistics, individuals with Down syndrome, and even neurotypicals who just need to refocus and recenter. Sticks and stones can hurt. But words can hurt even more and the lasting effects can take longer to recover from. Thank You God for another valuable lesson. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

You Are My Chosen One

Isaiah 61:10 - is ill greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Jeremiah 31:3 - Thus says the Lord: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

I Peter 2:9 - But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

I Peter 2:9 (NLT) - But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God.

Dear God, thank You for unending love. Help me show others the same unending love You have for me. Even Tom. And in doing that, help him remember how he is supposed to act if he truly is a Christian. With forgiveness, love, and compassion. He used to say the reason he forgave so easily is because he was forgiven much. But in the one moment when he needed to be the most forgiving, he was not even a Christian. He misinterpreted a lot of things and instead of listening to me to find out the truth, he spread lies that were not true. Instead of working through conflict, he violated Your word. And the leadership at his church violated their stupid discriminating and abusive document that they wanted me to sign agreeing to allow them to keep abusing me. Sadly, Tom abused me when he did those things. And according to Your word, Tom is not a Christian. Nor are most of the leaders at that church. They did not evidence You when they abused me. Yet You are asking me to reach out in grace. To Tom. And to give him a chance to hopefully prove me wrong in accordance with Your word. Soften his heart if You really want me to do this, God. Open his heart and his mind and prepare him for the truth. The truth hurts, and he will not like that he will learn that he was an idiot for ignoring it and for not listening to me so he would know the truth. He assumed things that were not true. For one thing, it was never him that the post was about, but someone else. The guy I was crushing on. But had Tom only listened he would have known. Now grant I was also upset with Tom that day, but the upset with him was directed at him. It was not posted. But he assumed the post was about him. And he never said he was upset about the post or I could have told him when he had called angry about me being frustrated with him or even when he called if he had called again as he had promised. Tom did a lot of things that contributed to the conflict - he assumed things that were not accurate. Unfortunately, his actions have helped me understand why people say, "You know what happens when you ASSume things?" Yeah. Tom certainly did that. And all it would have taken was a conversation. Now I know what You mean when You say the truth will set you free. Telling the truth in the letter will hopefully not only set me free, but it will hopefully open Tom's eyes and maybe he will come to his senses and go back with the truth to those hateful little men at his church. If nothing else, maybe he will at least reach out to me and evidence You in his life, if You are in his life. Oh, and God, please, right now, I need healing. And financial provision. $3000 for hearing aids. Insurance does not seem to think adults need to be able to hear. Without being able to hear, I cannot work. Oh, and please, if You do not mind, make that day camp program that I am supposed to go to once a week and help with once a week go better. It was boring and stressful that one day I went so far. It turns out that boredom is something else that can add stress to my life! Especially when it is supposed to be something full of scheduled activities. Who knew that boredom could create stress? And please heal me from the blackberry juice overload. Mom sure got a laugh from that one. But I am sure uncomfortable from it. As I told her, "I went from one extreme to the other!" My stomach needs a balance. And I am hoping it is not another stomach bug that might end up with me having another IV. God, I cannot mention these two by name, but I have a couple of friends needing Your comfort right now. One just had to make the decision about a very old cat. And I know the pain she is going through as I did that about 8 years ago with an 18-year-old cat myself. May Peaches rest in peace. And I can hardly believe Katie is almost 8! And I may have to make that decision again soon with my deaf dog, Molly Jean, who is starting to show signs of aging. At almost 15, she is getting less able to fetch the ball. The second friend of mine may have divorce in the near future and has two young ones, one of which has autism. And I know that titles hard. Not that I have been married, but I saw my own father walk out on my family. He could no longer handle having what he considered to be a broken child or a broken wife. Of course, I think he got bitten back for that one, but I don't really care. God, give me wisdom and the words I need to write that letter to Tom. It looks like at this point, the direction You are steering me will be with Tom, and not the church. Although he will get the one for them as well, but will likely have instructions to only share it with them after he responds to me directly either by a meeting or a phone call or a letter or an e-mail or Facebook (which would require the biggest act of faith in You on his part, but would also give him the most freedom at the starting point). Prepare him for the truth. I now the reality stick hurts, but Rafiki means well when he bonks you upside the head with it. (Lion King.) Thank You God for clearer direction. And thank You for choosing and for loving me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Friday Thoughts

So my friend Tom is leaving for about two weeks and this is going to be a really trying time for me as we haven't gone that long without communicating since things transitioned in January. I don't know if he understands how much this is going to test me and how much he will be missed.

I have a job interview Monday afternoon. 

Social group graduation on the 21st.

Oncologist on the 16th.

I want to speak from the heart now.

Ever since I started writing because of what happened and the conflict that started me writing, it was because people wouldn't let me have a voice in things. They blamed me even though the start of the conflict really was not my fault. Not when you fully assess what started it. 

And although maybe when I look back, I could have done things differently in terms of my response, but I honestly did not have the tools I have now. However, neither do I feel like the other parties truly acted with the grace they spoke so much about. 

I honestly do not believe that anyone fully understands grace until they are at a point in which they are forced to seek it out and happen to find the one or two people who consistently demonstrate it to them. For me, Tom has been THE main person who has done exactly that.

Tom has seen me through the worst of times and now some of the best of times. Yet he has not once abandoned me even when he has probably had every reason to do so. Because of his example, I can now see where God can handle whatever I throw at Him and yet will still be there waiting for me at the end of it all. 

But I also want to say that I will never be anything but honest. Yet I do feel like there may be others who have been less than honest with me and things are starting to unravel as a result. It is frustrating at best. I am asked to be honest, yet they are not being honest with me. And it hurts. 

I have a hard enough with trusting people, with trust in general, and this does not help. All I have ever wanted is the truth. And I have given them every chance I can to be honest with me. They still have that chance even now. Why? Because of grace. 

I am going to write a few letters over the summer to a few of them because I feel it would be the most appropriate thing I can and should do because I need to get some things off my shoulders if I want to heal from the hurt that was inflicted on me by their actions. And maybe by my taking this first step, they will respond in kind. 

Who knows? But surely it cannot hurt to try. Especially since Tom can attest to the growth I have had these last few months. 

I will never be perfect. Neither will they. But there are things that we all could have done better to better preserve the dignity and the respect and the integrity and the peace and the purity of each other and of the church. 

It will not presently change anything. Not as long as their man made document exists. Because I still feel it is unbiblical. And honestly, they just do not have the necessary resources in place to integrate people, particularly adults, with special needs right now and until they do, it is not the safest place. But who knows? Maybe one day, with Tom's compassion and firsthand experience, and the fervent prayers and strategic mobilization efforts of others, they will. And as Tom and I talked about one time, he'll have the honor of saying, "I told you so" to the others because of God's ironic plans. 

My heart remains with my friends, but I have to move forward right now and I have to heal, so for the season, I have to be in a different church where resources are already in place. 

I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Because I cannot clarify things with Tom until after he's back and I don't need it weighing me down on top of the fact I'm already missing him!