With a Thankful Heart

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!" - Psalm 100:4-5

"Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men! And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving, and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!" - Psalm 107:21-22

"So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." - John 16:22

Dear God, 

I am struggling to see You right now what with this monstrosity the republican monsters unleashed against the least of these with regard to healthcare. How can I sing a song of thanksgiving when I don't even know anymore whether I will live to see another birthday? God, the senate is saying they won't take it up. That they have something else in the works. But I feel lost and hopeless right now. I saw glimpses in my new friend and in my kitten. But that was the extent of it. My heart aches. God, I can't. I feel let down by You today. I thought You cared. I have no words.

Thank You anyway.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Be Real with Me

John 15:13-15 - Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 

John 15:15 (ICB) - I don't call you servants now. A servant does not know what his master is doing. But now I call you friends because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father.

Revelation 17:14 - "...They will make war on the Lamb, and the Lamb will conquer them, for he is Lord of lords and King of kings, and those with him are called and chosen and faithful."

Dear God, You are telling me that a true friend is someone I can trust completely and feel free to be myself with. That a true friend loves me just the way I am and not only knows the worst about me but also sees the very best in me. I want that. I need that. For once in my life, I really need a true friend. Someone I can really be real with. And who will love me no matter what. God, I am now struggling also with this reading on another note. Servants versus friends. It seems perhaps that the PCA as a denomination may not actually have the best system. Because they do too much in secret. An ideal church set up would have deacons and elders, but it would also be open for the congregation to observe the meetings and help make more informed decisions. Maybe if that had been the case I would still be able to attend church with my friends. Instead of a select few men full of hate being able to bully and control things. Now I have something that I need to wrestle with. Thank You for opening my eyes. And thank You for being my friend. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Days 27 and 28

Dear God, teach me how to trust You and help me learn to trust that You are always with me. People, not even Tom, cannot promise that they will always be there because people, even Tom, will sometimes fail and disappoint. Lead me where I need to be right now. And if it is Your plan that Tom be my friend, fortify that and help us find time to be friends. Help him. And help me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Question: Why do we close prayers with "in Jesus' name" and "amen?" Why do we close our eyes, bow our heads and fold our hands? And how is it that I am exactly like Tom? Not that that's a bad thing for he is pretty good at modeling You God, but I am curious!!

Days 13 and 14

First, a confession. I REALLY miss my friend Tom right now. Like yesterday, I really wanted to send him a text to let him know when I would have my new church membership vows and to ask him if he could come. I would be honored if he can come as my friend to support me as I move into the new chapter in my life. But I resisted and set it in my calendar to make sure to text him when he is back. Or after church next Sunday. I am at odds with myself right now as I struggle to honor and respect him and his time with his new granddaughter and his older granddaughter an his family.

Now about my readings today (I am behind so I read yesterday and today). Yesterday was about seeing each day as an adventure. Basically expecting a dynamic life! Wow! How quickly some forget that life itself is dynamic when in the name of an activity being "dynamic," they choose instead to exclude someone because she has autism and might unknowingly an unintentionally hurt someone by her actions or words. What little they know when they never give her a chance to start with! What little they know.

Today was a bigger lesson though. We can look good on the outside but still be broken on the inside and we don't need to put on a facade with God. A safe church is a church that not only realizes how broken we all really are, autism or no autism, and embraces everyone regardless of who or what they are or do. A safe church is a church where people can really put away the facade and not have to worry about being punished for it. They don't have to worry about being punished for being honest, even if it hurts someone. They don't have to worry about punished for how God created them. They don't have to worry about being excluded because the church finds out that they have sin in their life or that they have autism. After all, if the church is a safe church, they know that everyone is broken and they embrace the reality of grace as they show it to EVERYONE equally across the board, autism or not.

Today's lesson helped me feel more "normal." And the scripture: Romans 8:38-39. Nothing can separate me from God. Not my autism and not what some church or some people in some church did to hurt me.

Knowing that, I am going to trust that God is still with me as I move into this new chapter in my life. I am scared, but God knows exactly what He's doing for me. And He isn't letting me go that easily.

So now I know what Tom has been actively demonstrating to me by being a friend to me through this time! Whoo hoo!!! Milestone!

Where Is God's Grace? Where Is His Providence?

It seems as though God's grace and providence have long since left. Two months ago when this whole situation first occurred, out of the blue really, I began questioning my salvation. And even though now that I am secure on that end, I still have a hard time finding God's grace and providence in this situation. It seems if God's grace were as alive as I hear it is and want to believe it is that the moment the person realized that they could have handled things better they would have undid what they did that hurt me so much. That one action has brought me down emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

For one thing, that person and I had just regained trust. Trust that was broken by another's implications that I was not wanted at church and that the person wanted nothing to do with me. So for months, I questioned why he hated me. All over a misunderstanding and the implications that planted seeds of doubt in my head. So the person and I made an agreement that as long as I never asked him why he hated me on his wall, that we could be friends but that question would be the breaking of it.

I faithfully and dutifully kept my end of the agreement and then I found myself removed. Not as a friend, but it might as well have been since really a friend who does not have privileges is equivalent to not being a friend.

We began meeting with a counselor as a mediator to try to work on the re-establishment and the re-building of trust and have made a new agreement targeting texting since texting seemed to be the biggest issue that we had. And we agreed on texting once a week.

Now I find myself slammed with a threat that the person will be breaking that new agreement over something that we did not clearly define adequately and that the person could have said something about sooner rather than engaging in back-and-forth.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many levels that would be wrong on since we are in the middle of trying to not only restore privileges that really should not have been taken away to start with considering how faithfully and dutifully I had kept the original agreement and the fact that the person was at fault on account of the fact that the person should have brought up the problem before doing what the person did thus breaking my trust. Because one of the biggest areas that would be impacted if this person breaks YET ANOTHER agreement is that area of trust. I'm already feeling wounded. Does this person really need to bring me down further until I sink so low that all I will be able to do is fall into the bottomless pit of despair which is the point of no return for me since that is the point where I would be more likely to resort to my old friend from before I did become a Christian which is cutting?

Where is grace? I've heard this person say that grace gives second and third and so forth chances. But I did not see this person exercise that. And where is providence? Because if this new agreement gets broken, then the only other question I will have is where is God?