Seek to Live in God's Love

I Peter 4:8 - Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sons. 

I John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 

Revelation 2:4 - "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first."

Dear God, perfect love casts out fear. Love covers a multitude of sins. Today, God, I really need Your love surrounding me and my family. We knew that grandmother would not have much time left. She was discovered to have her stomach in her esophagus due to a really weak hernia that allowed it to move. Mom said she had lost a lot of weight as it was and she was not exactly that big to start with. The phone call yesterday from her sister was earth shattering though. She told my mom that she needed to go down and say good-bye and that my uncle was flying in as well. The doctors are apparently advising not to force her to eat or to give or any of her regular medicines and have her some morphine for pain. God, this raises a couple of issues for me personally. The pain and suffering that comes with the end of life stages at times is unbearable. Out of compassion, we allow our pets to be out to sleep. Why can we not allow our loved ones the same dignity other than some stupid laws that say it is wrong? What seems wrong to me is that we allow people to suffer so much? The second thing it brings up for me is that I don't know what to do or what to say to help my mom through this. The pain is so unbearable. I was never that close to grandmother but it hurts that she is going to leave this earth as well. And there are a lot of uncertainties now. A lot of loose ends that will have to be dealt with in the coming weeks after. God, mom feels betrayed right now. She just had the most awful woman basically abuse her and treat her like a maid when what she was hired to do was something else entirely different than what she got stuck doing in the end. And that lady is rude and old. And she feels You picked the wrong person to take away. And God, I don't know where grandmother stands with You. In her last years, I have not heard her talk much about You at all. She spent a lot of time by herself during the days. And she and I have never really had common ground. She was so quiet and withdrawn. I hate that the family will be reuniting under these circumstances. I really do. Today, God, not only do I need Your love to envelop all of us in my family, but I also need clarity. In these next couple of days, I will largely be responsible for myself and the animals. This is the main reason why I cannot go down yet. That and I cannot handle the emotional good-byes like that. I'm already so horribly confused by the emotions of this situation. I have to somehow be strong right now and I cannot do that if I am confused. Oh, God, perfect love casts out fear. Please help me! Thank You so much for love inexpressible. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Sit with Me

Psalm 73:23-24 - Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.

II Corinthians 3:18 - And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

II Corinthians 3:18 (ICB) - Our faces, then, are not covered. We all show the Lord's glory, and we are being changed to be like him. This change in us brings more and more glory. And it comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Hebrews 13:15 - Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.

Dear God, If only Tom would have been consistent with me, then how much better things could be. But because he chose to believe untruths rather than the truth that he had already acknowledged several times, and because he chose not to work through the conflict and aim for restoration and seek peace, things escalated. He caused further damage when he violated all of his promises and his compromise. He turned ugly and is not the same Tom. And the Tom he became is not a Tom that should even be in a ministry position. And that breaks my heart. But the strangest thing is that I have been consistent in trying to show him the very same grace he used to show me and I have consistently tried to offer him the opportunity to correct the error of his ways. And really, it isn't too late because there are still two weeks left before the complaint would be made known. God, You know my heart is good in this. Please work in his heart to bring about the conversation that needs to happen. The one conversation that could actually help bring about more peace. What he did was injust, lacked grace, hateful, and arrogantly stupid. Through this, my mom has actually even begun to see You as well. She knows I am hurting yet I have shown far greater courage than is even possible for me to have. Right now, things are just so messed up. Attorneys that lack professionalism and never contact people sending inquiries be they already on a retainer due to contractual obligation or not. Agencies that claim they do things yet just don't have the resources to do the things they claim to do. I mean, really. Professionalism is a key thing to maintain if you want to make a good impression, and making a bad impression gets you called out big time. I am still not able to attend church right now. And that makes me sad. But the damage they did was so wrong and so unnecessary. They claim to believe in grace but they don't even practice it. They claim to believe in church discipline but they don't practice it. Tom claimed it was because of my autism. And if that is the case, then they basically put a big target sign on my back for all the leadership to see that said kick her until she is dead. And Tom, knowing that it was wrong, let it happen! And then he just joined right in. He knew it was wrong. He acknowledged it was wrong. Yet he still let it happen and joined in? God, I know the answer to this, but do You NOT see where Tom was wrong by his very own actions in this? Oh, wait. So that is where the complaint came in. Because Tom knew that what was going on was wrong, acknowledged that it was wrong, yet still he allowed it to happen and then joined in what he already knew and acknowledged to be wrong! And You call that sin. The repentance he needs to show is not so much with You as it is with me. I know You want me to forgive him, and if he would talk to me and restore Facebook, I could easily say I forgive you to him, but until then, I, like You, am hesitant to forgive him. I know You forgive us. WHEN WE ASK. And we repent. I am just evidencing more of You based on how You act according to the Bible. The funny thing is, the more I act like You, the more radical some people see me as being. Oh well. Jesus was seen as radical in His time, too. In response to something. I had seen about something Miley Cyrus (that girl has gone beyond Britney Spears' level of crazy) posted, but she got criticized for it big time, on none other than a page claiming to be Christian but in reality is almost as divisive as Fox News (which has no business being called news because they are too biased (hopefully they are not members of the SPJ or I would need to ask the SPJ to revoke their memberships for ethical violations)), but with the exception of one point, I agreed with her post. Jesus actually did define marriage in one of the passages where He taught about divorce. But Jesus never spoke about abortion or birth control. One reason I see is that even though He spoke about the least of these in Matthew 25, who are being even more oppressed by the republicans now than ever, is because Jesus didn't consider it possible to actually oppress the born. You can oppress the living, but you cannot truly oppress the unborn. And undoubtedly, the women who choose abortion probably felt oppressed before they made the decision (wouldn't you if you were a poor woman on SNAP because your husband was killed in war, you got pregnant by rape, but your lawmakers placed the burden of proof on you to prove it was rape or threatened to take away your SNAP benefits like they do in Pennsylvania and are trying to do everywhere now?). So the woman is already being oppressed before she got pregnant. She was oppressed because she got raped. She chooses abortion because of it. And she gets oppressed even more being called a murderer over a decision made due to stupid lawmakers who claim to be Christian? This is playing out exactly the way things were happening back when Jesus talked about the least of these to start with! As to birth control, it didn't exist as we know it back then. But anyone who says that it is unbiblical is being legalistic. Birth control is used in women like me who have life threatening anemia in order to prevent bleeding out. Pretty much, I am no longer allowed to bleed at all because of the severity of things. Major freak out, God. I lost one of the pills. Probably rolled under the refrigerator that needs replacing soon. But the ironic thing is the same people that are so against abortion are also against the Affordable Care Act (I'm not based on biblical study I did into it) which can help women who pay for insurance obtain birth control at no cost if it meets certain specifications which can actually do more to reduce unwanted pregnancies which then reduces abortion rates, against SNAP and welfare (by the way, they need to stop clumping disability, social security, and veteran's benefits (they earned those benefits) into welfare). So they are trying to have things both ways. They lost that argument though when the FDA made Plan B an over the counter drug which means insurance doesn't pay for it anymore. The majority of people who are saying they are against the ACA are the ones who managed to get assistance to pay for their insurance. Here I am, in greater need of assistance and being harassed by the marketplace because my governor chose to put politics over people in Alabama. I'm supposed to qualify for Medicaid because I have disabilities that I am fighting with social security about (all of which are in the covered disabilities guide by the way, God, so You see the problem, right - neither the churches nor the government seem to actually want to help the least of these?). Ugh! God, seriously. I am all over the map this morning because I have so much pent up emotion! Tom was and is wrong. His church was and is wrong. The republicans are wrong. And Fox News and The Christian Post are wrong. Anything that goes against Your word at any point is wrong. Tom violated Your word when he allowed what he acknowledged to be wrong to happen and then joined in. His church violated Your word when they chose to not show the grace they claim to believe in and chose not to exercise proper church discipline with me. The republicans are wrong because they keep hurting the people who are lower income while they claim to be Christians. Fox News is wrong because they are biased. The Christian Post is wrong because they post divisive things and every time they post about the president, they do it in an effort to stir up division. And the people on that page violate Your word with every attack they make on him. Romans 13 says we are to respect every God-given authority under heaven and to pray for them. Where was all this name calling when Bush was president? But a black man is now president, something I never thought possible in my life, and suddenly, it's like the Civil Rights era all over again. They will probably do the same when a woman gets into office, too. Oh, God, so many people make me ashamed to be a Christian at times. They claim to be Christians while yet hating on everyone who is the least of these. Today, I actually thank You for giving me autism because one of the best parts is my honesty and my integrity and my genuineness. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

One World by TobyMac (YouTube)

One time

One world

Two times

One love

Three times

Rewind

'Cause I'm a dedicate this song to everyone of God's children

Come as you are

Come just like you be

It's the bumps and curves of our history

But no blocks in the road that we can't traverse

And no wounds from the past that can't be nursed

All,hate gonna dissipate from our fate

No check, together we got a checkmate

All hate gonna dissipate and fade away

To make room for a brand new day

We got one world 'til it's time to fly

We got so it's one love 'til we say good-bye

We got one world it's enough to share

'Til we're called home and we're called up in the air we got

One world

I'll look out for you, you look out for me

One world

Together we can be perfect harmony

One world

I'll look out for you, you look out for me

One world

And I'm a dedicate this song to everyone of God's children

One world oughta be more than enough

And if it's not, is God looking in pure disgust?

Wondering what the dilly with the silly I see?

When I made each of these in the image of me 

Everyday is a chance for a new stance 

Like every song is a chance for a new dance

And everyone of is was made to reflect the light

And glorify the most high so bright

We got one world 'til it's time to fly

So it's one love 'til we say good-bye

We got one world it's enough to share

'Til the King calls us home and we're caught up in the air we got

One world

I'll look out for you, you look out for me

One world

Together we can be perfect harmony

One world

I'll look out for you, you look out for me

One world

And I'm a dedicate this song to everyone of God's children

You can come as you are

Love is yours

Love is ours

I am a witness

Sweet forgiveness

You will shine like a star

Burning bright where you are in our one world, one world

Like a star, like a star, like a star

One world

Like a star, baby

One world

And I'm gonna dedicate this song, dedicate this song

Let's come together and love

Let's come together and love

Let's come together and love

Let's come together and love, come together 

Identity Crisis

It has been almost two years since I was referred for an evaluation for autism and was diagnosed. I was a little over 33 years and one month in age. 

During that time I was working with what I felt at that time had to be the worst group of people filled with the most hate possible. And I felt like church people were just cruel and heartless. I all but, and almost did, lose faith in God. 

I am not going to rehash anything though. But it did seem very unfair. Well, to be honest, there was a lot of unfairness in what I experienced. Diagnosed in December. Got told repeatedly I couldn't do certain things because I have autism and fill-in-the-blank with whatever misconception of autism is in existence. 

It was three or four months before I was finally connected and sent for ABA therapy. And I was only in therapy for four months when I got a fatalistic document. 

Three more months fighting the unfairness and I gave up and left. 

My friend didn't want me to go, but he let me. He knew I had to do it. He knew I was hurting and as much as he didn't want me to go, he knew that at that moment, it was what was in my best interest.

Now believe me, I gave him plenty of reason to give up on me, but he didn't. I praise him for his stubbornness. Why? Because if he hadn't been so stubborn, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So let me tell you what I have done in the ten months since leaving. 

1. I tried another church that has extensive special needs support for adults. 

2. I continued in ABA therapy.

3. I continued in a social group through Voc Rehab. 

4. I began to come out of my shell and make some friends. And I even began to develop a crush on someone. 

5. I began smiling almost endlessly. And have yet to find a person who doesn't instantaneously fall in love with me as a result. 

6. I decided I didn't need extensive special needs support. Just having a point person within the church who understands autism is enough and having friends in group activities and partners in service activities is enough. And that's true.

7. I began speech therapy. And now I have more confidence.

8. I missed a lot of church because of illness and because I simply didn't like it. 9. I started doing social outings outside of an official group and will pick up again after court.

10. I visited another church. It felt more like a concert than a worship service. I don't know why people like it. I hated it. It felt like torture.

11. I visited another church. I almost liked it until I learned that because I don't know exactly when I was converted and therefore may not have been baptized by immersion after conversion that I might have to be rebaptized. No thank you. But it's not fair to me to try to pursue it if that's going to be the sticking point.

12. I went back to the place I left. My heart never left it anyway because all my friends I already have are there. 

13. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and self-exploration during this time.

14. I have developed more artistically. With the help of another beautiful friend. She helped me do a pre-wedding collage piece for my friend and revamp an old drabby three legged table converting it to a beautiful four legged table just the right size for a precious granddaughter of my friend. I am no longer afraid of paint getting on my hands, although if it's on there too long, I will start to meltdown. And I still won't touch raw dough or raw meat. And sticky mess is enough to send me for a tailspin as is a ticking clock.

15. I have less meltdowns and the meltdowns I do still have are becoming less self-injurious in nature. 

16. I am lashing out less. I had to work on an emotional color wheel assigning colors to emotions. I hated it. But I found it to be a good start. So now I do a chart. I write, "I feel...," assign colors and words to what I feel, and then state why I feel it. Then I go to the person who led me to feel that way. The chart helps me process so I don't lash out as often. 

17. I have more confidence now.

18. I am also hugging more people because I want to. Although I will pull back if it's not someone I feel safe with.

19. I am still afraid, but I will try anything once. I now like sushi and gluten free paper dosas (Indian). But I don't like wasabi (it burns the nose). 

20. I see the positives more.

All this to say that God is leading me back to where I was and I know that even though I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go, but I am working on it and will continue to do so. 

Thanks in part to my friends, especially stubborn Tom, who through their continual love, time, energy, and grace have exemplified God's character to me and allowed me to see enough of God to help me desire God more. 

So, even though I am really anxious right now over some very grow up issues I never had to worry about before, I am still hoping God will and trusting God to work things out. 

By the way, why did God let me have autism? I don't know. Some days I feel He did it to be cruel, and others I realize God may actually have autism too. PLATYPUS! Either way, God loves me and I love Him; my friends love me and I love them. And my friends have been, are continuing and will continue helping me along the path in life. Tom is my biggest advocate right now. And I thank God for him every day. I also thank God for Janet. And my mom. And my therapists. And even for the mistakes others made with me and the mistakes I made. We can all grow from those mistakes. 

I'm sure Tom and I will have many more discussions regarding church decisions that we have to make so I don't get hurt again and can continue progressing and avoid regression. And that's okay. 

And if that group of people is reading this? I love you. And I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me too. 

Fantastic Friday

I have not quite developed my self talk yet. Many thanks to my friend Tom for his patience at my thought throwing! Especially as I work through the process of learning how to express my emotions in words without lashing out from not knowing words to help communicate. It's so interesting how one can verbally communicate yet not communicate at all. But as a result, even with about 80 percent anxiety, which hopefully will lessen next time I talk with my friend, it truly is a fantastic Friday overall. One problem: I like alliteration (Mr. Popper's Penguins film). It is strangely soothing. But how to come up with sayings for each day of the week?

I Really Am Human After All

Autism. Whoo hoo! Well, not all the time. But why do I title this post as I do? Maybe because for the first time this month, I have actually shown emotions that "people with autism don't have." Stupid misconceptions and even more stupid people who actually believe the misconceptions as opposed to actually getting to know the person. After all autism is a spectrum disorder which means no two of us will be the exact same! A rainbow is a spectrum of colors, right? It's not all blue or green or purple or whatever color. Right?

This month I have encountered love. Not love from friends. But love for a person who is not a friend. A crush if you would. Yep.

Today, I am experiencing my first jealousy. Toward a friend because he has a happy occasion this weekend and I lost my friend because of it which isn't fair that I lose my friend just because of the occasion. So there, I have jealousy. An no, it doesn't feel good. But until my friend talks with me and helps me process through this new emotion, I can't do anything about it. It's already a nightmare. Or a daymare.

Because now I have jealousy on top of the anxiety I already have because he'll be leaving soon for almost two weeks and I don't know if I will get to say good-bye to him before he leaves, and I know when he's gone I won't get to talk to him at all, an I also don't know if we will get to have a visit when he gets back because we haven't scheduled anything yet and he didn't call yesterday like he was supposed to and now I'm just scared because I don't know if we will ever talk again because he screwed up this week and I don't know if we're still friends anymore.

The only way we can move past this is to talk. WITH EACH OTHER. But if he won't talk to me, then I guess we'll never move past this and that we'll never talk to or see each other ever again and that he was never my friend to start with which will really hurt if that's the case, but what else am I supposed to think? He hasn't exactly been very helpful lately calling my feelings "vain imaginations."

You know what he could've done that probably would've helped things not explode? He probably could've sent a text message explaining that he would not be able to call as previously planned because of whatever the reason but that he would call me on whatever day next week. You know what he could do to help ease the anxiety about him leaving? He could call or text and we could plan a day and time that I could see him and say bye to him before he goes and we could go ahead and tentatively schedule a visit that I could look forward to for as soon as he gets back.

But instead, he hasn't done that and that lack of action has exacerbated things which caused a meltdown.

Now I'm not sorry that I feel these emotions. They are, after all, REAL emotions and they make me human. However, like all humans, I sinned today. But I can't ask for forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. However, if he is my friend, I can hope that he will offer forgiveness anyway.

His turn.