Identity Crisis

It has been almost two years since I was referred for an evaluation for autism and was diagnosed. I was a little over 33 years and one month in age. 

During that time I was working with what I felt at that time had to be the worst group of people filled with the most hate possible. And I felt like church people were just cruel and heartless. I all but, and almost did, lose faith in God. 

I am not going to rehash anything though. But it did seem very unfair. Well, to be honest, there was a lot of unfairness in what I experienced. Diagnosed in December. Got told repeatedly I couldn't do certain things because I have autism and fill-in-the-blank with whatever misconception of autism is in existence. 

It was three or four months before I was finally connected and sent for ABA therapy. And I was only in therapy for four months when I got a fatalistic document. 

Three more months fighting the unfairness and I gave up and left. 

My friend didn't want me to go, but he let me. He knew I had to do it. He knew I was hurting and as much as he didn't want me to go, he knew that at that moment, it was what was in my best interest.

Now believe me, I gave him plenty of reason to give up on me, but he didn't. I praise him for his stubbornness. Why? Because if he hadn't been so stubborn, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So let me tell you what I have done in the ten months since leaving. 

1. I tried another church that has extensive special needs support for adults. 

2. I continued in ABA therapy.

3. I continued in a social group through Voc Rehab. 

4. I began to come out of my shell and make some friends. And I even began to develop a crush on someone. 

5. I began smiling almost endlessly. And have yet to find a person who doesn't instantaneously fall in love with me as a result. 

6. I decided I didn't need extensive special needs support. Just having a point person within the church who understands autism is enough and having friends in group activities and partners in service activities is enough. And that's true.

7. I began speech therapy. And now I have more confidence.

8. I missed a lot of church because of illness and because I simply didn't like it. 9. I started doing social outings outside of an official group and will pick up again after court.

10. I visited another church. It felt more like a concert than a worship service. I don't know why people like it. I hated it. It felt like torture.

11. I visited another church. I almost liked it until I learned that because I don't know exactly when I was converted and therefore may not have been baptized by immersion after conversion that I might have to be rebaptized. No thank you. But it's not fair to me to try to pursue it if that's going to be the sticking point.

12. I went back to the place I left. My heart never left it anyway because all my friends I already have are there. 

13. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and self-exploration during this time.

14. I have developed more artistically. With the help of another beautiful friend. She helped me do a pre-wedding collage piece for my friend and revamp an old drabby three legged table converting it to a beautiful four legged table just the right size for a precious granddaughter of my friend. I am no longer afraid of paint getting on my hands, although if it's on there too long, I will start to meltdown. And I still won't touch raw dough or raw meat. And sticky mess is enough to send me for a tailspin as is a ticking clock.

15. I have less meltdowns and the meltdowns I do still have are becoming less self-injurious in nature. 

16. I am lashing out less. I had to work on an emotional color wheel assigning colors to emotions. I hated it. But I found it to be a good start. So now I do a chart. I write, "I feel...," assign colors and words to what I feel, and then state why I feel it. Then I go to the person who led me to feel that way. The chart helps me process so I don't lash out as often. 

17. I have more confidence now.

18. I am also hugging more people because I want to. Although I will pull back if it's not someone I feel safe with.

19. I am still afraid, but I will try anything once. I now like sushi and gluten free paper dosas (Indian). But I don't like wasabi (it burns the nose). 

20. I see the positives more.

All this to say that God is leading me back to where I was and I know that even though I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go, but I am working on it and will continue to do so. 

Thanks in part to my friends, especially stubborn Tom, who through their continual love, time, energy, and grace have exemplified God's character to me and allowed me to see enough of God to help me desire God more. 

So, even though I am really anxious right now over some very grow up issues I never had to worry about before, I am still hoping God will and trusting God to work things out. 

By the way, why did God let me have autism? I don't know. Some days I feel He did it to be cruel, and others I realize God may actually have autism too. PLATYPUS! Either way, God loves me and I love Him; my friends love me and I love them. And my friends have been, are continuing and will continue helping me along the path in life. Tom is my biggest advocate right now. And I thank God for him every day. I also thank God for Janet. And my mom. And my therapists. And even for the mistakes others made with me and the mistakes I made. We can all grow from those mistakes. 

I'm sure Tom and I will have many more discussions regarding church decisions that we have to make so I don't get hurt again and can continue progressing and avoid regression. And that's okay. 

And if that group of people is reading this? I love you. And I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me too. 

I Am Healing

Even though I still have some physical struggles and even though I have to constantly deal with the challenges of autism and ADHD, I wanted to share my thoughts. I am healing in ways that most people cannot fathom or understand.

I am healing.

I have immune deficiency. 

I wait for the day we can move forward into a life of infusions.

I am healing. I no longer NEED my ADHD medicine and it is now completely out of my system.

I am less fidgety, except when nervous or tired and then I cannot control my need to fidget anyway.

I have autism. 

But I am different, not less.

Treat me like you want to be treated.

Respect me like you want to be respected.

Give me my dignity. 

Help me to bring out my verbal communication.

Do you see how I am gifted in puppets and painting and music and writing? Use my gifts to help me communicate, to help me feel useful, to help me be me.

I have a mom.

She is persistent and relentless.

Don't hurt her baby. 

She might become a mama bear.

Grrrrowl!

I have a friend.

He was a pastor to me.

But now he's just my friend.

He's still a pastor for others though.

He is also like a second (and better) human dad.

He has a special connection with me that I cannot explain.

But it is good and it is necessary and God let it happen.

He believes in me even when I struggle to believe in myself.

He believes in me even when others might not.

He is compassionate and God gave him a big heart.

Because of me and his connection with me, he is now better prepared for a future in which the world has to hurry and start adapting in order to not just be aware of autism, but to embrace those of us who have autism so we can feel loved and accepted, so we can belong, so we can fit in, so we can function as a part of society. 

My friend will be part of the revolution in churches that will spearhead the adaptation of this world. 

My friend is special.

My friend is brave and courageous. He has to be in order to be my friend.

He is consistent and gracious. 

He is loving and tenderhearted.

He is my friend.

I have another friend.

She can seem kind of quirky. Then again, so can I!

She is an artist. Just like me!

She has an easy spirit. Just like me!

She has lots of love. Just like me!

Once you get deeper with her, you get a true friend with a loving heart that is so big that there's no way to escape the love.

I am learning to know God and to see God. 

My friends help a lot with that.

I don't get God in the books. 

I don't see God in the books or in church.

I hear about God at church.

I read about God in the books.

But I feel God. 

God is in the nice, cool breeze on a hot summer day.

God is in the light, refreshing rain after a long, hot week. 

God is in the babbling creek that you get your toes wet during a hot day at the park.

God whispers through creation.

I'm different, so I sense God differently.

See that beautiful rose, so delicate and frail? That's God!

Hear that tiny kitten mewing? That's God!

See a community rise up together after a disaster? That's God!

Feel loved by friends and family? Even that's God!

I was hurt really bad.

By someone who was supposed to be a dad.

By some people who called themselves friends.

By people who said they cared.

Some of them are no longer in my life. 

Others are reunited and also went through their own struggles.

Even though I am different, I am also the same.

We all struggle.

We all need to feel loved and accepted.

We all need to heal.

I am healing.

I am brave.

I am a friend.

I am a child.

I am an adult.

I am a person.

I am God's creation.

I am me!

I am gifted.

I am talented.

I am smart.

I am beautiful in spirit.

I am fun.

I am funny in my own way.

I am creative.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am valuable.

I am growing.

I am able in my own ways and sometimes with help.

I am healing.

Thank You

Thank you Tom Patton for being a really good friend. You truly are an amazing example of what God's grace is like. Goodness knows I've given you plenty of reasons to give up on me, but you're still there spurring me onto better things.

Thank you Janet Jerez for being a positive influence right now.

Thank you to the Patton family who has taken me under its wings, ever so slowly, but has made me feel very loved even in a time when I felt unlovable.

Thank you Elizabeth Brown for your prayers.

Thank you momma for birthing me. I always have been a bit of a challenge since my conception.

Thank you God for even on my worst days You are helping me grow in my faith and trust, not just in You but in others, especially Tom. And that's awesome!

Thank you to all the new and old friends who are in my life. I wish I could thank each person by name, but then this post would take three years to read!

Dear God, thank you for my friends and for Your protection. Please help the technicians and the doctors tomorrow to be able to find out what is causing the pain and the intestinal blockage, and if it requires surgery, guide their hands. Please show us Your provision right now. I usually wouldn't ask for monetary provision, but that is what we need right now. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

How?

I am so behind but I have two days to catch up. But I want to pose this question and I welcome any comments in answer.

I am anxious. Because of some information that came to light Monday regarding where my heart is right now. I do not know if reconciliation/restoration or even closure will be able to happen.

But while I am anxious and have many thoughts and questions in my head, I am also feeling that weird calm again. The one that is induced by having seen a consistency with a friend even during a transitional time for me and seeing how he has been consistent with grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and compassion and continues to pursue my friendship. Calm induced by excited anticipation that soon we may get to have some real quality time in person.

I want to say something though. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. In that, I am normal. But I would not desire a magic pill to make my autism go away. Not ever. Because God chose me. And because God chose me, He already knew certain things had to happen. He chose Tom to become a very dear friend to me and with me. He knew Tom could handle things with me because Tom has a big heart. He chose that I would need a few months of non-membership so I could examine my own heart and life and learn some things to prepare for what may lie ahead. And regardless of outcomes, He knows what He's doing even if I don't.

Although grant it, right now I'd be happier if everything were already sorted out.

Oh, and sweat major, but God knew we'd end up with another mouse in the house that I'm beginning to wonder if it might actually be a kangaroo because there is some major noise in the quiet of my house right now!! I'm wishing I had a baseball bat.

So with that note, I'm going to end this post. ILY!!

Second Month Days 9 Through 12

God is a treasure we are to hunt, but the journey will not be easy. (Dear God, let me not forget that You are the greatest treasure of all. Yes, finances are important, but they are not as important as You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Remember Mary and Martha? Mary sat at the feet of Jesus listening to Him and enjoying His presence while Martha was all busy busy busy! But Martha got scolded. What are you doing that causes you to be so busy? Are you so busy that you barely have time for God let alone for yourself, your family, your friends? Stop. Make time for God and He will reward you and make your time less busy and more productive. (Dear God, I pray that my friend Tom will be able to have time to not be busy, but to be productive and to have time to just stop and enjoy You, his family and his friends (including me) who can encourage him and be a breath of fresh air for him during this busy time this week. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Are you having a dark time? Look closely! God's peace is a light that breaks through that darkness! Take courage!

God knows your every thought and your thoughts are precious to Him! That nice new car or those nice shiny blingy-blings will not make you as happy as the commercials say. Only God can fulfill that innermost longing.

Dear God, we are living in a me-me-me world that says if we want to be happy we need to look a certain way, do a certain thing, drive a certain car, be some mathematical or creative genius, like a certain thing, etc. But until we delight in You, we will never be fully content. I am guilty of this. Sometimes I place more value on certain people than I do on You. Sometimes I let people try to change me into something I am not, someone You didn't create me to be. And it frustrates me. You created me perfectly in design even though in nature, I am but a broken reflection of You. I'm sorry that I sometimes idolize my friends, particularly Tom. I still love him and still hold a high value of him, but he should not be more valuable than You. And I thank You that he is teaching me that as he also is teaching me about true friendship. It's definitely a struggle! But I take more comfort as I am learning to rest in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Days 23 and 24

It's okay to be human. Even if you momentarily think about God and say a simple thank you to Him, it is still worship.

Expect trouble in the world. God's peace is powerful. God already overcame the troubles of the world.

Deuteronomy 31:6-"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Dear God, Thank You. Thank You for still being there even when I can't "feel" You there. And thank You. Thank You for my friend Tom. And for my other friends. And thank You that I have permission to just be me-who You created me to be and how You created me. Thank You. And please heal my mom so she can go back to work so we can pay the bills. The dog is late getting in for her annual, the medical bills are high and continue to pile up as we have to reach the deductible again, utilities, car insurance, home warranty, and we still need an iPad for therapy and a way to pay for my autism therapy. As well as food and gas. I am in the wait on many fronts. I worry about Tom too. Protect our friendship while we are in a period of time where time doesn't permit us to see each other in person right now even though we live somewhat close. Help me not forget that he will also still be there and that he really is just a phone call away if I really need him just like You're only a prayer away (even if I haven't quite mastered hearing You yet). Help me still think positive about him. And me. God, I'm scared. Help me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Days 21 and 22

Depend solely on God and trust God through everything.

Personally, these two things are two of the hardest things to do right now.

Trust. Trust God even in areas of anxiety.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:39) Trust in the Lord with all your heart. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I never saw those areas of anxiety as being opportunities for growth before!

May I be frank? Well, honest because my name isn't frank?

I agree that God may be the ONLY ONE we can fully depend upon and we should be moving toward that, but when you come from a background in which your trust has literally been tested to the point where you have become skeptical about everything, I think it's okay to have those key people in your life who you have established trust with AS LONG AS they take that and use it as a valuable tool to point you back to God.

Do you have someone in your life like that who always finds a way to point you back to God and then hits the ground running right alongside of you cheering you on? If not, it might help.

Tom has been a point person for me lately. Today, I literally woke up with a heart full of gratitude because of the fact that God put him in my world as a friend and that through his actions and words, I am slowly, but surely, starting to reach up toward God. Don't get me wrong, I still need him and other friends to help me in this race called life, and God most certainly expects us to be in relationship with other believers who will be there with us and for us. But God uses these people to help spur us onward and upward.

Thank You God. Keep teaching me to trust You. Thank you for my friends and for Tom who spur me toward You in this race of life. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Dear Autism

You have so vehemently stolen away most of my chance at a "normal" life for I will never be quite "normal."

And though you're not as cruel to me as Alzheimer's was to my grandpa, you're still wicked evil at times.

However, I am fighting to overcome your challenges. For I will sure as heck not let you win!

I have a brain and I am blessed to be so painfully smart.

Even though you stole my ability to connect normally with my friends, and God bless every friend who has actually stayed by my side despite of you for they will later laugh and say to those who didn't that they knew better and they teach me about love and grace and reflect God in ways I may never truly be able to grasp on my own, but even though you stole that, I still have more.

I am creative in both performing and visual arts. I love music, dance, puppetry, sign language, Spanish, French, reading, and films. I am still quite innocent as the world has not stolen away all of my innocence yet. My ability to connect with children is beyond amazing! I am learning to paint even though you make me afraid of slimy textures. And above all, I LOVE life and I LOVE people, especially my SAFE PEOPLE.

Tonight I thank God and apologize as well, but I thank God for my friends like Tom who take the time to learn about me and who in spite of the worst I could ever do STILL love me and stay by my side. And I guess if that's what grace is like, then maybe God is that much better.

So dear Autism, you can try all you want to steal my chance at a "normal" life away, but you will NOT steal my essence or me away with it.

Sincerely,
Essie, SES

I Wish I Could Give Up

I asked for boundaries but when I asked, he didn't want to establish them. I have autism. I don't get the intricacies of relationships. Or so others have told me. So I need help.

He finally set some boundaries but he unreasonably established them with NO prior discussion or chance to ask questions or to clarify or to make alternative solutions should he be unable to uphold his end.

I got frustrated. I lashed out. I pointed out we also need consistency. So if I'm only ALLOWED to communicate every other day, then I also reasonably expect at least one response. And now he threatens to just end everything?!? Seriously?!?

I will make one promise in this post. If he quits me, I will quit God. Because God is more scary than he is. And I CANNOT SEE OR HEAR GOD like I can him.

The problem is that so many transitions are taking place all at once. And now I can no longer SEE ANY of my friends unless special arrangements are made. And that's NOT fair.

What that church did, the way they hurt me, the fact they used the autism against me after they paid for the testing and them the professional help to begin addressing it which they then ignored the recommendations from, was wrong. Yet I am the one who suffers the most. I had to quit that church because of the oppression. And apparently I am also going to suffer because it seems I am still going to lose my friends anyway.

It's not fair. I don't think I can handle it anymore. And well, if he quits me because of this and his accusation which mirrors EVERYTHING I EVER heard from the people from THAT church, the only thing I can promise as a direct consequence is that I will quit God. Because right now, God is NOT safe for me if this "friend" is no longer a safe person.

I hate having autism sometimes. And right now is one of those times.