Friday Thoughts

So my friend Tom is leaving for about two weeks and this is going to be a really trying time for me as we haven't gone that long without communicating since things transitioned in January. I don't know if he understands how much this is going to test me and how much he will be missed.

I have a job interview Monday afternoon. 

Social group graduation on the 21st.

Oncologist on the 16th.

I want to speak from the heart now.

Ever since I started writing because of what happened and the conflict that started me writing, it was because people wouldn't let me have a voice in things. They blamed me even though the start of the conflict really was not my fault. Not when you fully assess what started it. 

And although maybe when I look back, I could have done things differently in terms of my response, but I honestly did not have the tools I have now. However, neither do I feel like the other parties truly acted with the grace they spoke so much about. 

I honestly do not believe that anyone fully understands grace until they are at a point in which they are forced to seek it out and happen to find the one or two people who consistently demonstrate it to them. For me, Tom has been THE main person who has done exactly that.

Tom has seen me through the worst of times and now some of the best of times. Yet he has not once abandoned me even when he has probably had every reason to do so. Because of his example, I can now see where God can handle whatever I throw at Him and yet will still be there waiting for me at the end of it all. 

But I also want to say that I will never be anything but honest. Yet I do feel like there may be others who have been less than honest with me and things are starting to unravel as a result. It is frustrating at best. I am asked to be honest, yet they are not being honest with me. And it hurts. 

I have a hard enough with trusting people, with trust in general, and this does not help. All I have ever wanted is the truth. And I have given them every chance I can to be honest with me. They still have that chance even now. Why? Because of grace. 

I am going to write a few letters over the summer to a few of them because I feel it would be the most appropriate thing I can and should do because I need to get some things off my shoulders if I want to heal from the hurt that was inflicted on me by their actions. And maybe by my taking this first step, they will respond in kind. 

Who knows? But surely it cannot hurt to try. Especially since Tom can attest to the growth I have had these last few months. 

I will never be perfect. Neither will they. But there are things that we all could have done better to better preserve the dignity and the respect and the integrity and the peace and the purity of each other and of the church. 

It will not presently change anything. Not as long as their man made document exists. Because I still feel it is unbiblical. And honestly, they just do not have the necessary resources in place to integrate people, particularly adults, with special needs right now and until they do, it is not the safest place. But who knows? Maybe one day, with Tom's compassion and firsthand experience, and the fervent prayers and strategic mobilization efforts of others, they will. And as Tom and I talked about one time, he'll have the honor of saying, "I told you so" to the others because of God's ironic plans. 

My heart remains with my friends, but I have to move forward right now and I have to heal, so for the season, I have to be in a different church where resources are already in place. 

I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Because I cannot clarify things with Tom until after he's back and I don't need it weighing me down on top of the fact I'm already missing him! 

Spring, Love, Weddings, Growth, and Tom

Ah! Spring! God gave us spring to remember renewal of life.

Love! Spring is a reminder of love as many people get married during this time of year.

To be in a relationship. That is a human desire. God created us to be with others. After all, consider Adam. God saw it fit to create Eve.

But relationships are not easy. For some people, relationships are scary and painful. Especially for people who have autism.

You know what though? I have a great friend. He has been diligent. He has consistently been showing me what friendship is. I miss him right now even though we talk. A lot. But he is also a father figure right now. Which is really awesome.

He has really been a blessing and an encouragement at a time when I have felt so alone in the world (right now). And I have been through a lot the past couple of years. I have also grown a lot the past couple of years.

"I'm proud of you." Next to "I love you," no other words mean so much to me. Those words lift my spirit even on a rough day.

And you know what? My friend might be turning 53 this summer but here's the neatest thing: He's also growing. He has grown so much in his understanding and appreciation of me that it has started having an overflow so that I can appreciate him in return along with others. And that means so much more to me than anything.

His kindness and graciousness and forgiveness to me, his gentleness and patience with me, these are all things I have started seeing with God too. Before, God was just this scary personified being somewhere in the sky waiting for me to mess up so He can strike me down. But now, I see love, care, and generosity.

And sometimes, that's all it takes. The kindness and love of ONE person.

Although I would feel better if I knew if and when he and I can and will be able to have some in person time again. My heart really misses him right now even though he's so close (distance).

But we celebrate two things (well, more than that, but still): God growing my heart so that I might actually be ready for relationships with others (I'm smiling because my friend has fallen into father mode with me because I have developed a crush on someone close to my age, and my friend has been very playful about it because he's getting to be a prime example of what a godly man is, and honestly, my friend is an example of what I want in a relationship). We also celebrate the upcoming wedding of his middle daughter.

And now I have something to say to him directly: Tom, you're ready for this. You can do it. You're not losing a daughter but gaining a son. And you have a heart that God is growing. You have taken me under your wings in the process. So essentially, you gained another kid along the way. As long as you have all of your kids, be they biological or not, you are not ever going to lose any of them even when it's time to let them take flight on their own. I hope it makes sense to you what I have just said because I stink at sentimentality. And I'm not sure I understand what I said!

Dear God, thank you for my friend Tom. Thank you for his example. Be with him during this time. May he be reminded of how proud I am of him too. He didn't want me to take flight at first, but he let go and I'm starting to soar. As he has seen with me, the baby bird always comes back to its imprinted parental figures. Even when we are released, we still come back. The goal is that over time, we need him and others less as we grow into ourselves. And he has told me a lot lately that I am starting to grow into myself, into who You created me to be. Be with him next week. Give him strength. Be with him when he goes on his upcoming trips and bring him back safe. And please if You would, allow us time to visit in person again when he returns from that. In Jesus' Name, Amen.