Psalm 27

The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation 

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 

When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. 

One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. 

For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. 

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, Lord, do I seek." Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. 

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! 

Dear God,

What would You have me learn from this passage? You are light. You are salvation. You are a stronghold. If I truly believe these things about You, then I should not be afraid. My enemies will stumble and fall. I can trust You to protect me even when the battle rages around me and against me. God, I ask again that You continue to intervene on behalf of the least of these with regard to healthcare and budgets. And I thank You that You have taken me in when my human father abandoned me. God, help me as I learn to wait for You. Help me to be strong. Help my heart to feel courageous. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

The Courage to Hope

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

"For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come." - Ephesians 1:15-21

Other translation focal verses: I pray that you will have greater understanding in your heart. Then you will know the hope that God has chosen to give us. I pray that you will know that the blessings God has promised his holy people are rich and glorious. And you will know that God's power is very great for us who believe. - Ephesians 1:18-19

"His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." - Psalm 147:10-11

Dear God,

Help me to have the courage to hope.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Surviving the Storms

Jeremiah 31:2-3 - Thus says the Lord: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

Lamentations 3:22-23, 25-26 - The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Dear God, thank You for Your eternal love. Continue to teach me how to be still in Your presence. Continue to grow my trust in You. Help things come to resolution with Tom. Help keep my family financially provided for. Help my doctors figure out how to best treat me and to not be afraid to try to get insurance to cover the treatment that is needed the most. Help me to continue showing You to my mom. Keep giving me courage to press on. The storms are raging. Help me get through them. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Bold!

Isaiah 41:11-13 - Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." 

Isaiah 41:13 (ICB) - I am the Lord your God. I am holding your right hand. And I tell you, "Don't be afraid. I will help you."

Hebrews 12:1-2 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Dear God, You said You would be right there with me no matter what comes my way. In these passages I see that You will in fact somehow work things out, though maybe not the way anyone expects, with regard to Tom Patton and those other bullies from his church (Gordon, Mark, Mikki, and Ken). I know that it means the presbytery has to decide on its approach to things as well, but if You already know how to handle the situation, then I will have to put aside my worry and my fear like You ask of me and trust that they have wisdom enough to pull a committee together to help with the resolution no matter what the resolution may look like in the end. Ultimately, my heart desires to show the grace that I was taught about, though never given by them at that church because true grace wouldn't exclude people from any aspect of any activity of the church as long as the activity is age-appropriate and gender-appropriate and true grace especially would never grab onto a person's diagnosis of autism and use it as an excuse to exclude the person - that's outright discrimination anyway. But alas, grace prevails and I want to give them one more chance, it just cannot be under their terms and conditions the way they want to insist. It is I, who is in control, well, technically You are in control, but You put the reins in my hand in how to best approach things now. And You are asking me to keep my eyes on the prize the whole way through. The prize in this particular case is full restoration with Tom (including Facebook, which he had no justification to violate his compromise or promises regarding) and resolution and restoration with his church where my TRUE friends really are because the fact is that my TRUE friends loved me before my diagnosis and still love me and still have not found justification for the church leadership to abuse and bully and mistreat and exclude me the way it has. Lord, give me strength facing the next few days between now and when the presbytery meets. Give me strength for whatever decision they make and wisdom to know what to do from that point. May it be a favorable decision though that moves forward into a conflict resolution process since that is the very thing You command us to do to start with (II Corinthians 13:11 and Romans 12:9-21). Oh, and God, I have three more requests if that is okay? 1. For the letter to make the appointment regarding the exact amount of assistance to come soon (attorney's letter said within 30-45 days). You brought me through a long and strenuous process. 2. Physical healing. My throat feels really sore and achy, considerably more so than yesterday. 3. Mom to get out of her funk and start the process of looking for a new job rather than just sitting at home complaining about having to save every penny we can because we have less money now and have all the bills coming in that have to be taken care of. It sucks that she got fired over a misunderstanding and that the supervisor was not more clear about her instructions or the question posed to her more clear because of definitions that even I would have probably said the same thing. No she did not take files home, but she took folders home that would be able to make files. She was handed the things at the very last minute as the supervisors were rushing them out the door because of the weather that was already deteriorating. A folder is not a file until there is a label on it and information in it. They should have been more specific about their question. She did not lie. She answered the question honestly based on her understanding of it. And as honest as I am (brutally honest), I would have answered the same way. Because the difference in meaning is very sharp. Now God, I have a thank You, and although some people might disagree, I know that it is within Your will because ultimately, it is You who appoints all authority under heaven, but thank You for the Affordable Care Act. It may be confusing as heck right now, but it is a good and a right step forward in this country. It removes illegal discrimination by insurance companies which now lets the people who most need insurance the insurance and the key to access the same affordable care that others have enjoyed for so long (the Americans with Disabilities Act says that covered individuals have that right, but when an insurance company is allowed to charge them more or deny them or drop them, they are acting in violation of that law). Some people will find every reason they can to complain: they don't like the president because he is of a different color, they don't like him because he is so progressive thinking, they don't like him because he's "socialist" or "communist" (oh, please, if he is socialist by the way they describe him because he wants to help the poor and the sick rather than the rich and the healthy, then he is doing what Jesus would do and says everyone is to do according to Matthew 25:31-46 and a whole lot better than Tom's church which failed to exercise grace with me and excluded me because I have autism; and if he was a communist, then the people running around bad-mouthing him or the laws being made right now would be in jail; and if he was a dictator, they would be beheaded). They have even assumed that the president is a Muslim (he has said repeatedly that he is not and why would his religion matter anyway since Kennedy was a Catholic). In Romans 13:1-7, You are clear what the Christian duty to government is. Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, I read about how the government takes care of the needs of the people. To hear Christians in particular bad-mouthing the president, the ACA, and oh yeah, taxes (I will never see a penny of my tax dollars because people are getting assistance and they are all just lazy moochers (yeah, great, so the veteran who served this country for you to be an ungrateful pig is lazy, and the elderly who worked all their lives and earned their retirement is just lazy, and the disabled person who can no longer work and can barely function outside the home is just lazy, and the hard working mom made single by war or some other circumstance is just lazy, or the couple who has one working and the other serving as a caregiver to the children who have disabilities is just lazy), or the church should be taking care of these people not the government (by the way, those people need not leave their houses anymore because tax dollars are used for the roads, the schools, the police and fire departments as well as social programs designed to help people whom are often even referred to them by churches!)), but to hear so-called Christians spewing these things makes me angry. Oh, God, give me the courage and the strength to not back down where not backing down is required and the wisdom to know when backing down is necessary. Give me the grace to be able to show to those who may not even deserve it (Tom and his church), so that if nothing else, they see You and not me shining through. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Late Night Thoughts

1. I'm sorry to my friend Tom for experiencing my first real fit of jealousy last week. It's not the jealousy itself that was the problem. It's what I did because of it.

2. Life lesson: As bad we might have it, and some of us have bad, there's always someone who has it worse than we do. For example: As lacking as the U.S. is in coverage for adults with autism (and access to therapy and services and equipment grants and iPad grants and church ministries to/for/with them which often leads to exclusion which actually is an offense against the least of these and thus against Jesus), as lacking as the U.S. is, a film, Not Forgotten done by some Birmingham and other Alabama folks showed me that as lacking as we are in continued coverage and support (1 in 88 children will grow into many adults (statistics may be higher factoring adults)), we are not as bad off as others. In the Ukraine, they have even less support. There is one home. Otherwise, much like in the U.S., the children may or not go to school and many parents may stay with them hardly going anywhere for fear of what their child or adult with autism may do if they were not accompanied. Some of these children have no fathers present because the fathers took off. The mothers often quit their jobs to care for their loved one. The other choice? Institutions. Government run institutions that may treat the person as an animal. Saw the film Friday. If you get to go to a screening, please do. Was saddened to hear that as of the last few weeks that one child was turned over to an institution and a second was going to be handed over to one. These children had potential. Now they will have a "meaningless existence." Why? Because professionals and parents don't understand autism. They haven't been educated. Which brings me to something else.

3. Education. April is Autism Awareness Month. April 2 was/is World Autism Awareness Day. Okay. So now you have awareness. But you know what? Don't stop there. Education is more crucial. You see, when you go beyond awareness and educate yourself, then you truly begin to accept. And like any other human being, we, I, want to be accepted. Many of us don't tell others about our autism for as long as possible because of the misconceptions and stigmas. I spent most of last year hearing two thirds of a group that was supposed to help me tell me I couldn't do things that others in the church could do because "You have autism and because of the autism you lack empathy and might unknowingly offend someone." Forget the fact that they sent me for ABA therapy. Forget the fact that they didn't even bother to give me a chance before they just wrote me off and completely excluded me unless I agreed to sign a document agreeing to be permanently excluded from an activity non-members were allowed to do and reminding me that I was never forgiven and never going to be forgiven by the man in charge there. Forget that. Because that's not what bothered me the most an not the root of the reason I left them to find a better place, a safer place, until God changes their heart song and they establish special needs ministry for both children and adults. And I don't know if I have told Tom the root reason because up until now I never really understood the root reason myself. It wasn't just the document. It wasn't just the actions. It was the attitude. Many times last year I slapped God in the face. Many times last year I said I wished I was normal and hated how God created me. Until one third of that group finally told me to read Max Lucado's "You Are Special." Why? Because she had the same conversation with her own daughter. Her daughter has Down's. But when I looked at her daughter, I didn't see Down's. I saw a beautiful young lady with a lot of potential because she had a mom that was fully invested in her. But before that person moved, she told me that I needed to consider going somewhere else that was more accepting of people like me. And I realized that she was probably a little worried about what could happen to her own daughter there. Because until a person either has a loved one with special needs or takes time to educate themselves, they will always only ever believe the misconceptions. Which leads me to another point.

4. Tom, thank you for moving beyond awareness of autism with me. Thank you for educating yourself. And most of all, thank you for being my friend. I know I don't always show it, but I appreciate it more than you'll ever know and I love you for it. You have accepted me for me and looked past my labels at the person that God is growing me to be. You have given me freedom to make mistakes yet stayed beside me when I realize them and come running back for help processing things. You have exemplified God and Jesus and I am growing closer to them as a result. Although I'm not where we want me to be just yet, you are not rushing me before I'm ready, but neither are you holding me back when I am ready. You saw potential in me, and rather than give up because I might be slower than others, you kept encouraging me and spurring me on. And in part, because of you, I have learned determination and courage. You believed in me when others didn't. You took a risk to stay friends with me, and now look where things are: you have been seeing me through a lot of firsts! Many milestones and successes. And I'm a better person now than before. I see God through how you treat me. And God is awesome and I want more of Him. I'm still going to run back to you sometimes, but I'm running back and forth now. At least it's a start.

Finally,

5. I ask prayers. For a while now I have been feeling a nudge to return to NYC for a week or two for missions. Then I received a calling last year to do something for people (both children and adults) who have autism like I do. Currently, I am now leaning toward pursuit of becoming a licensed interpreter for the Deaf and so during this coming summer I will be going back and forth between two churches, the one I plan to join and the one I will do cultural immersion in while class is on summer break. Probably just once a month for now unless I can hit more 8:00 services then fly over to the other church. I will be juggling at any rate because it's not the first leaning toward interpreter that I have had. I think it's stronger now because I know I have autism. But here's the thing. I still have a call. And God is starting to open the doors. I started painting. And Tom knows because I told him, but I plan to start selling my art under Essie Spann, Art for Autism. And part of the proceeds will go for organizations including churches that currently are serving or are planning to start serving adults with autism. Why? Because children with autism grow up and there's not a magic wand to make the autism automatically go away when they become adults. And continued ABA therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy can help. I'm in ABA. I'm about to restart speech. I'm going to be starting back with the psychologist who tested me. And at some point, I might start OT, but for now, it's one new therapy at a time. But because of the difficulties I have been having in finding services, I want others to have it easier. Also, some of the proceeds will go towards missions projects, especially ones that help with special needs and autism. My first steps are happening now. But I'm not done yet.

Dear God, thank You for answered prayer last week with Tom's daughter's wedding. Please help bring back some of his sanity. I look forward to scheduling another visit with him soon and even finding a special time to see him for a good-bye before he goes on his trip around the globe. Also, I'm hoping he'll be able to see me "graduate" and do my membership vows in the next month or two. Forgive me for how I sinned against both You and Tom when I was jealous last week and thank You for reminding me why You put Tom in my life first as a friend and second as a father figure/role model/example/mentor. Thank You for giving him a good heart, strong enough and big enough to love me even I am not the most lovable and for him being teachable so he learns how to love me better as a friend as I also learn how to love him better as a friend. And God, I don't know if I have said it to You yet, because I am still learning, but God, I love You. Thank You for loving me too, loving me bigger. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Second Month Days 9 Through 12

God is a treasure we are to hunt, but the journey will not be easy. (Dear God, let me not forget that You are the greatest treasure of all. Yes, finances are important, but they are not as important as You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Remember Mary and Martha? Mary sat at the feet of Jesus listening to Him and enjoying His presence while Martha was all busy busy busy! But Martha got scolded. What are you doing that causes you to be so busy? Are you so busy that you barely have time for God let alone for yourself, your family, your friends? Stop. Make time for God and He will reward you and make your time less busy and more productive. (Dear God, I pray that my friend Tom will be able to have time to not be busy, but to be productive and to have time to just stop and enjoy You, his family and his friends (including me) who can encourage him and be a breath of fresh air for him during this busy time this week. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Are you having a dark time? Look closely! God's peace is a light that breaks through that darkness! Take courage!

God knows your every thought and your thoughts are precious to Him! That nice new car or those nice shiny blingy-blings will not make you as happy as the commercials say. Only God can fulfill that innermost longing.

Dear God, we are living in a me-me-me world that says if we want to be happy we need to look a certain way, do a certain thing, drive a certain car, be some mathematical or creative genius, like a certain thing, etc. But until we delight in You, we will never be fully content. I am guilty of this. Sometimes I place more value on certain people than I do on You. Sometimes I let people try to change me into something I am not, someone You didn't create me to be. And it frustrates me. You created me perfectly in design even though in nature, I am but a broken reflection of You. I'm sorry that I sometimes idolize my friends, particularly Tom. I still love him and still hold a high value of him, but he should not be more valuable than You. And I thank You that he is teaching me that as he also is teaching me about true friendship. It's definitely a struggle! But I take more comfort as I am learning to rest in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Days 15-20 Peace That Passes Understanding

I am so behind on my daily reading posts! It was a BUSY week for me!

Overall, the running theme in these six days was peace that passes understanding.

Day 15

God is still present even in our troubles. He will keep us safe and give us peace that passes understanding.

Day 16

Joshua 1:9 - "Be strong and courageous." Stop rehearsing the problems of the day. Matthew 11:28-30 - Go to Jesus and He will give you rest.

Day 17

Philippians 4:6-7 - "Do not worry about anything." God will give us peace that passes understanding. He will take care of all of our needs, big or small.

Day 18

Don't try to take shortcuts to where God is leading you. God will use the difficulties you face to bless you with courage and strength.

Day 19

Seek God.

Philippians 4:7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (ESV)

Day 20

God is in control.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV) Some versions read "plans to prosper you and not to harm you."

Isaiah 55:9-11 - God's ways and thoughts are higher than our ways and thoughts. His words will not return to Him empty and will accomplish what He desires and achieve the purpose for which He sent it.

God, forgive me for my disbelief and my doubt. Forgive me for sometimes letting the circumstances of the day cause me to lose sight of You. Help me to seek You always and to not lose sight of You. And thank You for friends, like Tom, who genuinely care about me and care for me and genuinely want the best for me. Thank You for friends, like Tom, who care enough to redirect me and point me back toward You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God, please help Tom get through the next few weeks of BUSY-ness. And please, if it's Your will, allow us to have a special time to be able to sit down and talk in person again soon. Thank You for putting him in my life as a friend, and thank You for his willingness to learn what it takes to be friends with an autistic person. Thank You for growing both of us in You and in friendship. Help him to know that he holds a special place and to be more confident that he is doing a great job. Thank You for allowing people, even if only a few right now, to serve as a reflection of Your grace and Your love. In Jesus' Name, Amen.