Saturday, March 30, 2013

An Easter Prayer

Dear God,

I was reading tonight in Jesus Calling A Bible Storybook about Jesus dying on a cross for my sins and coming back to life again. Honestly, I am somewhat baffled by everything. Why did You punish Your Son for what I would do?

I also read that if I put my trust in You and believe You that I would be saved for eternity. Sometimes I don't know if I am or am not.

My friend Tom, he is a good mirror of You. He said he's a weak example, but he is the main one I have right now. But God, if Tom is a mirror of You, then how much greater can You be?

God, I ask You to forgive me of my sins. For I know I am a sinner. I may not always openly act out, but I know I do sin, even in my heart. So I ask for Your forgiveness of my sins. I thank You for sending Jesus to die for me on the cross so I won't have to face eternity separated from You. I ask You to give me strength and mercy. I ask You to help me to trust You and to grow my faith in You. I thank You for the example Tom has been so far and will likely continue to be as You grow our friendship in the way that is not only appropriate but also the healthiest. Help us to both be open to each other and to listen with our hearts. I ask for complete healing of the corneal inflammation my right eye and complete restoration of total vision. I ask for Your provisions for my family - financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially. Tom said that You created me the way You did for a purpose. So thank You for creating me with autism and ADHD and everything else I have. Help me to always remember that these things don't define who I am, but why I am the way I am. And for what's it's worth, I guess they don't do that, You do. Thank You for grace that does give many many chances and doesn't expect absolute perfection this side of Heaven. And please help churches understand people like me with autism so they can better minister to and with us and help us use our gifts to serve You. Thank You again for my friendship with Tom. Give him peace and rest as his daughter's wedding takes place soon. Help Tom be safe when he globe trots. Please let us have another in person quality time soon enough, if not before he globe trots then after. Help prepare my heart for the separation there will be when he's around the globe so I don't miss him too much. Thank You for being in my heart and please help me to learn to follow Your lead for me and my life-job, medical, church, social skills, friends, etc. I'm sorry for having too many words. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Prayer for My Friendship with Tom

Dear God,

I want to believe Tom when he says he's a friend, but then when he fails to keep his word about calling me or even brushes me off as not important, it hurts and I struggle to believe. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

I'm tired of trying to explain to him that friends shouldn't be squeezed into his work schedule. Friendships that are not work related but personal which is what we have now should be on personal time. But he doesn't get it. And it hurts.

I'm trying to understand that he also has family, but then that's when it really hurts. He just doesn't seem to have room or time for me. At all. Last week, we had our first in person time in three months and I understood that we were to have 1.5 hours, but we only had half that. Then earlier this week, he assured me that we'd talk later this week, and he hasn't called at all! It's a repeating pattern. Each time, the pain and frustration I feel get worse. Please help.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

P.S. I read that the pink eye could've caused my corneal inflammation which is robbing me of my vision and trying to rob me of my independence, my ability to drive. I'm scared about the prospect of needing surgery. I need my friends. I need Tom most of all. Why doesn't he get it?

P.P.S. If Tom isn't my friend anymore, then I don't want You anymore either!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Thank You

Thank you Tom Patton for being a really good friend. You truly are an amazing example of what God's grace is like. Goodness knows I've given you plenty of reasons to give up on me, but you're still there spurring me onto better things.

Thank you Janet Jerez for being a positive influence right now.

Thank you to the Patton family who has taken me under its wings, ever so slowly, but has made me feel very loved even in a time when I felt unlovable.

Thank you Elizabeth Brown for your prayers.

Thank you momma for birthing me. I always have been a bit of a challenge since my conception.

Thank you God for even on my worst days You are helping me grow in my faith and trust, not just in You but in others, especially Tom. And that's awesome!

Thank you to all the new and old friends who are in my life. I wish I could thank each person by name, but then this post would take three years to read!

Dear God, thank you for my friends and for Your protection. Please help the technicians and the doctors tomorrow to be able to find out what is causing the pain and the intestinal blockage, and if it requires surgery, guide their hands. Please show us Your provision right now. I usually wouldn't ask for monetary provision, but that is what we need right now. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Dear Heartless "Conservatives" in Congress

So your idea is to take away the right of millions who are considered disabled under the ADA to have equal access to the same affordable healthcare everyone else gets as GRANTED under the ADA? Insurance companies are illegally discriminating against people who actually do need the system! I got lucky. I am underinsured, but I have no chance at getting more comprehensive coverage without the ACA because I now have pre-existing conditions. Go back and read re ADA.

What do you have against millions of people being able to rest comfortably knowing that they will not arbitrarily lose their insurance just because they get sick again?

Really? You Conservative Republicans claim to be Christians yet you don't care one iota about those whom Jesus calls the least of these?!? That makes me sick. You say socialism has no place in America and you define socialism as care for the least of these. Jesus was a socialist by your definition and you are saying there is no room for Jesus in America.

For once, a law, the ACA, was enacted to make it illegal for insurance companies to discriminate against people who have pre-existing conditions, yet in your ignorance you still insist that you want to destroy the hopes and dreams of many Americans who are trying to get insurance but can't because they have a condition. Wow. So heartless!

You want me to lose my insurance, lose my access to affordable healthcare, lose my ability to get well and to stay well, lose my possibility of ever working because I'm too sick, lose my home and transportation and family and friends? Why? Because you forgot who you work for and are too interested in protecting the rich who only want to commit fraud against the tax system and line your pockets so you can commit the same fraud and abuse of people who are in fact the least of these.

Dear Conservatives, if you are Christians, go back and read Matthew 25. Because of Matthew 25, I am no longer a Republican and can no longer vote Republican. I apparently became too progressive to be considered conservative and I'm sorry I also happen to believe in socialism because Jesus was a socialist based on your definition. Whatever the case, stop threatening my livelihood and my health! I have just as much right to exist as anyone else. I come from a long line of veterans who fought in every war since this country was still in its foundational days. And my ancestors didn't fight so that some heartless jerks could destroy the least of these because of their selfish desires. After all, Jesus said render to Caesar what is owed to Caesar and that meant that the more you made, the more you owed. Sincerely, Me

Friday, March 1, 2013


I can't read my devotionals right now and I can't write what I learn. Hopefully I'll get time to do so this weekend. Right now my heart really aches for Heaven. As I join with many others whom Congress forgot they work for just to protect their pockets (they love money too much which is the root of evil), we, the least of these, cry out. Will the children with special needs still have services Monday? Will the disabled like myself ever have their day to fight for their disability because they received a letter declaring they couldn't work the jobs they had before because of their disabling conditions? Will they even still have a house when that day might finally come? Will they have food to eat tomorrow? Will they have access to services like voc rehab as they fight their disabling conditions to try to get ready to get a job that just simply doesn't exist for them because no one wants to hire someone who has medical conditions that cannot be insured until next year? What about the veterans like my mother who may not even have a job or access to much needed health services? What about everyone with mental health issues, asthma, allergies, immune deficiencies? Without the grants many of the doctors get now, some people, like me, may not be able to receive essential care. Why? Because of greedy politicians who forgot that the tax system was originally designed so that the more money a person earned, the more they paid in. Jesus said that how you treat the least of these is how you treat Him. The problem? Apparently no one has respect for Jesus anymore. They just threw Him out on the street, cold, naked, wounded, hungry, thirsty. And they left Him. To die. Here Jesus. I don't have much either but you can have some of what I do have. Where are the churches now? Will they finally step up to the plate as millions right here at home need them now more than ever? The churches I know of emphasize global missions for an entire week, yet home missions gets all of one day. ONE day! Why? If churches really wanted to equip people to go out and serve, it seems they would be in the business of home missions for more than just one day? But are they? I'm scared tonight. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared that there really is no church in my area that will ever accept and include adults with special needs. I'm scared that Tom is not really my friend even though he says he is. Because he and I have not had in person time in three months and will we ever? Or is it a dying friendship? I hope not but I'm scared. And I'm sick with grief. Too much injustice. You see, they call people who care about the least of these socialists and say there is no place for socialism in America. Sadly, if caring about the least of these makes someone a socialist, then Jesus was a socialist because he cared. But if there's no room for socialism in America, and many of these same people falsely claim that America was founded on Christian beliefs, then what they have basically said is that there is no room for Jesus in America. Oh how my heart aches for Heaven right now.