When You Wonder Why

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." - Genesis 28:15

"But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me." - John 15:26

"My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:8

Dear God,

Help me to trust You during the times I do wonder why something is happening or how to handle something that is happening. God, You say You will provide for Your children yet the republican monsters are at it again hellbent on throwing the least of these, mostly the disabled, off their insurance plans. Why? If You really do care about the least of these, You need to put a stop to the monsters before they cause the death of many innocents who are often born into this world with pre-existing conditions and it needs to be soon! "Freedom Caucus?" Freedom for whom? Freedom for what? To do Satan's work? Because that's what it looks like. God, those monsters vote on that bill today. Please step in and make sure it fails. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

I Will Never Fail You

"His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." - Psalm 147:10-11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - I John 4:16

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look at the earth beneath; for the heavens vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment, and they who dwell in it will die in like manner; but my salvation will be forever, and my righteousness will never be dismayed." - Isaiah 51:6

Dear God, 

Your love never fails. Failure is everywhere in this world. People make mistakes, people lie, and people let me down. I also make mistakes and bad choices. A love that never fails is hard to understand. You are God. You are perfect. You are forever. Yet You came down to earth as a tiny baby. You grew up here on earth. You know everything I'm going through. You understand. Your mercies never stop. Your salvation and goodness will never end. You are pleased with those who trust Your love and You will never let me down.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Trust Me...Always

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." - Isaiah 26:4

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

Dear God,

Help me to always trust You no matter what is happening. Right now is a very uncertain time in our country, especially for the least of these. Help me to trust You even during this time.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Like Sunshine to a Flower

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." - Romans 15:13

Then he said to them, "Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." - Nehemiah 8:10

"In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also." - John 14:2-3

Dear God,

I am struggling with trusting You right now. The media and Trump disaster that has surfaced is making my head spin! It is hard to hold hope and see joy and peace in what is happening right now. Please show Yourself in a huge way! 

Thank You!

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

The Adventure

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

"Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." - Isaiah 50:10

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." - Psalm 42:5-6

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." - Micah 7:7

Dear God, 

Be my guide during my training for the biggest adventure of my life. My adventure is my adventure and no one else has my adventure. Hold me as I face the jungle and the shadows. Lead me. Hold my hand and do not let go. You promise to take care of me and provide. I trust You to do just that no matter what the greedy, heartless republicans keep trying to do or hurt us.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

My Plan

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord." - Psalm 32:10

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." - Romans 12:12

"Humber yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - I Peter 5:6-7

Dear God,

You have a perfect plan for my life. I just wish I knew some more about it than I do. Sometimes Your plan is different than mine. Boy, don't I know that more now than ever. I didn't expect to lose Katie before I lost Molly Jean. The order of which defied logic and reasoning of nature where older things die before younger things. And I certainly did not plan to lose them both within months of each other.  Sometimes Your plan will involve doing something hard or uncomfortable. That might be fine God, but I need to understand Your plan with regard to a bunch of hypocritical men who hate the least of these and are bent on taking away access to healthcare for all of the citizens of this country. What purpose does this fill when so many could die as a result? Surely that is not Your plan? Your plan could include troubles and problems. I see that. I struggle to see Your love through our current events. God, I am struggling to trust You in this moment right now. God, I do need You more than ever. I am not angry with You anymore, but I am exasperated with You. I want to trust that You only want what is best for me. That You have something HUGE in mind that will be a positive thing for me, for everyone. Take all of my worries God. Take them, keep them, work through them on my behalf. I am throwing my hands up in the air and saying pffffftttttt.....

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Trust God One Day at a Time

Psalm 84:12 - O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Dear God, I have a lot to worry about, but yet I want to trust You more with each and every new day, new hour, new minute. Oh, trust is definitely very hard. I have been wounded by those I have come to trust and been taught are trustworthy: Pastors, parents, teachers, authority figures. And it is not easy to heal from such deep wounds. But today, I choose to trust You. Even as the republicans are doing the very thing I predicted before the elections and working to HURT the least of these with threats to cut disability, food programs, healthcare, etc., I am TRUSTING YOU to intervene. Even as I have to be knocked out some tomorrow so I can get my iron infusion again, I am trusting You to help the infusion man find a good vein that will not reject the IV. Even as I will have a meeting Monday to discuss one of my disabling conditions and the needs for that, I am going to TRUST You. Tomorrow has its own worries. It can keep them. In Jesus' Name, Amen! 

Trust and Thankfulness Keep You Safe

Psalm 141:8 - But my eyes are toward you, O God, my Lord; in you I seek refuge; leave me not defenseless! 

Colossians 2:6-7 - Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.

I Peter 5:6-7 - Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 

Dear God, trust, the protection against worrying and obsessing. Thankfulness, the protection against criticizing and complaining. Sister sins waiting to entangle me. Keeping my eyes on You means I am trusting You. I choose to trust You. Right now. Right here. On this very day. In this very hour. I choose to trust You every day. For the rest of my life. Trust is hard. It is not easy. Especially after having it shattered by the ones who were supposed to be the most trustworthy. Abusive parent. Misleading pastor. But, God, as hard as it may be, I am trusting You. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Trust God

Psalm 52:8 - But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 

Dear God, I sometimes falter in my trust. People who I thought were trustworthy often end up proving that they are not. Tom is just one of many examples. The fact that a person cannot be trusted make sit more difficult for me to understand how You can be trusted. But I am trying. Help me to lean more on my trust in You each day, in all circumstances. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Treasures in Heaven

Psalm 56:3-4 - When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Matthew 6:19-21 - "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Dear God, I am really trying to keep storing my trust in You. I hope that my bank account of trust in You is growing bigger every day. Because it can be so hard to trust! Thank You for keeping me in Your arms. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Surviving the Storms

Jeremiah 31:2-3 - Thus says the Lord: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

Lamentations 3:22-23, 25-26 - The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Dear God, thank You for Your eternal love. Continue to teach me how to be still in Your presence. Continue to grow my trust in You. Help things come to resolution with Tom. Help keep my family financially provided for. Help my doctors figure out how to best treat me and to not be afraid to try to get insurance to cover the treatment that is needed the most. Help me to continue showing You to my mom. Keep giving me courage to press on. The storms are raging. Help me get through them. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Thankful

Psalm 100:4 - Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 - Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Dear God, thank You for allowing me to have some freedom in how thankful I am to You. I can choose either to be thankful even in the hard times which shows greater trust in You or I can choose to continue to feel ungrateful which shows a wavering trust in You. Right now, I am having a hard feeling day, but thank You for what You will do today to protect me and to keep me from sinning. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Will Shelter You

Psalm 61:1-4 - Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah

Psalm 61:4 - I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Isaiah 12:2 - "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for The Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."

II Corinthians 3:18 - Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise.

Dear God, Today I have appointments, meetings, and groups. Although I sort of know what is to take place with each thing, it is still very unpredictable. People are unpredictable. So I am concerned. But you said to trust You even on the crazy days, especially on the crazy days. So as hard as it is and as much as I still struggle with trust, here God. Take my hand. And stay right beside me today. Okay? Don't let go. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Choose to Trust Me

Exodus 15:22-27 - Then Moses made Israel set out from the Red Sea, and they went into the wilderness of Shur. They went three days in the wilderness and found no water. When they came to Marah, they could not drink the water of Marah because it was butter, therefore it was named Marah. And the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What shall we drink?" And he cried to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a log, and he threw it into the water, and the water became sweet. There the Lord made for them a statute and a rule, and there he tested them, saying, "If you will diligently listen to the voice of the Lord your God, and do that which is right in his eyes, and give ear to his commandments and keep all his statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you that I put on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, your healer." The. They came to Elim, where there were twelve springs of water and seventy palm trees, and they encamped there by the water.

Psalm 31:14 - But I trust you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God."

Dear God, It is VERY hard to TRUST You much of the time due to my experience with trusting and having those who I trust do harm and damage to me. And unnecessary harm and damage at that. But I am struggling to do so, and the more You bring about in those areas that require the greatest trust, the more my trust in You can grow and thrive. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Three Little Words

Psalm 27:14 - Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14 (ICB) - Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave and wait for the Lord's help.

John 14:1 - "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me."

Hebrews 6:13-20 - For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, "Surely I will bless you and multiply you." And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

Dear God, Faith begins with TRUST. Trust is hard God. Really hard. Look at what happened with Tom. I trusted him to keep his promises. But he broke every single one of them in a moment when grace was most needed. Because he believed lies. Which he spread. Which severed some vital relationships. Which severed all chances I might have ever had at having friendships, church, and a job. In one moment where he had a chance to stand up against what he knew and acknowledged to be wrong, he failed and he allowed the abuse and the bullying to happen. And then he became the a user and the bully as a result. Trust? I trusted him because he said I could, and then he broke it when grace was most needed. He broke YOUR word God. He violated YOUR commands. And worse, the presbytery did too. And that really makes me angry and hurt because they know about the abuse that happened there and they did nothing and won't do anything. Which means MORE people will be abused, especially more people like me because Oak Mountain HATES YOU God or they would make effort to correct their wrongdoings and to listen about why what they did is wrong and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again to others. So if Tom earned my trust and then broke it so badly, how can I truly trust YOU God? How can I trust You even though I want to and long to? I can't see You God and I can't hear Your voice God like I can with someone who has flesh. What can You do to help me KNOW that YOU CAN be trusted? WAIT? God, I need You to move. If the biggest proof that I can trust You might be found in You bringing about the much needed conversation with Tom either so there can be restoration or there can be closure I need in order to move forward, how much longer are You going to make me suffer before You make it happen? It has already been too long and I have to make a decision based on statute of limitations. Wait with HOPE? I have done nothing but hope God. And nothing has happened yet. Except for ONE thing and even that didn't lead to restoration or closure. That may have brought some financial relief for my family, but not a lot. We need a miracle for that to happen. Those words are NOT so little God. They are HUGE when everytime I have practice with them, someone DESTROYS all progress. But God, I will try this week to exercise those with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The Future Is My Secret

Deuteronomy 29:29 - The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

Psalm 32:8 - I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. 

Dear God, Yes, I do wish I could know what to expect. How things were decided for my case with the presbytery and would proceed. If I will get the true closure or see the biblical restoration. How much money would I get. How things will work out for the immediate financial needs we have. Whether I will actually get the right medical treatment I actually need. It is hard to trust You. It is hard to trust anyone. Thanks to Tom. He proved that even the most trustworthy human is NOT to be trusted. EVER. He proved men are selfish pigs. All because instead of standing up against what he knew was wrong and doing the right thing, he joined in the wrongdoing. God, my autism brain needs tangibles. Tangibles that help me build the trust in You. Okay, God? Move things into biblical conflict resolution. That would be a good next step. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Want to Know You by Sonicflood (YouTube)

In the secret

In the quiet place

In the stillness

You are there

In the secret

In the quiet hour I wait only for You

'Cause I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal

That I might receive the prize

Pressing onward 

Pushing every hindrance aside

'Cause I want to know you more

More and more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

More and more, Lord

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face 

I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal

That I might receive the prize

Pressing onward

Pushing every hindrance aside

Out of my way

'Causee I want to know you more

More and more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

More and more, Lord

I want to touch You 

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

And more

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

More and more, Lord

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to know You

I want to know you more

I want to touch, touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

More, more, more

Yeah

It's Your Choice

Psalm 141:8 - But my eyes are toward you, O God, my Lord; in you I seek refuge; leave me not defenseless.

Colossians 2:6-7 - Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6-7 (ICB) - As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so continue to live in him. Keep your roots deep in him and have your lives built on him. Be strong in the faith, just as you were taught. And always be thankful.

I Peter 5:6-11 - Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Dear God, for me trust doesn't get any easier. I am trying to trust You right now with regard to the matter of Tom and what his church did wrong. I am trying to trust that I will hear something from the presbytery and trying to trust that You gave them wisdom to step in. But trust is so hard, especially when Tom reminded me of why I cannot seem to trust anyone. And I want to be thankful to You God, but it is so hard when everything around me seems to not be going quite the way I would hope. And some of those things are turning out to be a lot trickier than what they should be. But God, here is my heart today. Please answer my deepest prayers today. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

God's Not Dead by Newsboys (YouTube)

Let love explode and bring the dead to life

A love so bold

To see a revolution somehow

Let love explode and bring the dead to life

A love so bold 

To bring a revolution somehow

Now I'm lost in Your freedom

In this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion 

God's not dead 

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

He's roaring He's roaring He's roaring like a lion

Let hope arise and make the darkness hide

My faith is dead I need a resurrection somehow

Now I'm lost in Your freedom

In this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead 

He's surely alive 

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion 

God's not dead 

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

He's roaring He's roaring He's roaring like a lion

He's roaring He's roaring

Let Heaven roar and fire fall

Come shake the ground

With the sound of revival 

(x3)

My God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside 

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead 

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

He's roaring He's roaring He's roaring like a lion (x2)

Roaring like a lion

Don't Look at the Waves

Matthew 14:29-30 - He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." 

Hebrews 12:1-2 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dear God, I am afraid. I am more worried than afraid. I know that at this point in time, it looks like that the only way things with Tom will be dealt with properly will be for the presbytery to do something. It doesn't make it any less painful or scary or uncertain though. What he did was wrong. Period. He has not evidenced repentance for his own role in things and he has caused a lot of real damage not just to me emotionally or relationally, but to others as well. To progress that had been made and that he KNEW existed and was real. God, I am scared. And I feel alone. But I extended more grace than he deserves and gave him every opportunity that I could. So now comes the hard part. I don't even know when the presbytery will meet. All I know is sometime next month. I struggle to trust You because of what he did to me and the way that he did it. I struggle to believe. I want to, but I am too afraid because of the hurt he caused me. Like Peter, I am afraid. Lord, help me! In Jesus's Name, Amen!

Walk On the Water by Britt Nicole (YouTube)

You look around 

And staring back at you

Another wave of doubt

Will it pull you under?

You wonder

What if I'm overtaken?

What if I never make it?

What if no one's there?

Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step

Into the unknown

You know that He won't let you go

Chorus:

So what are you waiting for?

What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities they try to hold to you

You know you're made for more

So don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all

It takes 

And you can walk on the water too

So get out

And let your fear fall to the ground

No time to waste

Don't wait

Don't you turn around and miss out

On everything you were made for

I know you're not sure

So you play it safe

You try to run away

But when you take that first step

Into the unknown

He won't let you go

Chorus

Bridge:

(Step out)

Even when it's storming

(Step out)

Even when you're broken

(Step out)

Even when your heart is telling you, telling you to give up

(Step out)

When your hope is stolen

You can't see where you're going

You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting for?

Chorus

Expect Surprises!

Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

I Peter 2:21 - For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.

Dear God, I want to believe that You are with me no matter what and that the safest place to be is by Your side. But when Tom did what he did in the way he did it, even though most people would assert that it was in fact unnecessary and injust, he shook me up in a bad way. It makes me afraid to trust anyone, especially You, because I can't see You. Tom said repeatedly that he would NEVER do what he did yet he did. And the thing is he sits there and talks about grace all the time yet in the one moment that grace was most needed, he didn't show it or act with it. I want to show grace and be able to withdraw the complaint, but I can't until and unless he talks with me and reinstates Facebook. His actions were unjustified. And hurtful. Period. He made excuses for why he did it. And You know what God? They are the most ridiculous excuses ever! Because essentially his excuses sound like a third grader who says, "I don't want to be friends with the new kid because she has different color hair than me or because she wears thrift store clothing to school or because she eats differently or because she is in a wheelchair or lives on a different side of town or whatever...." Any excuse is wrong though. The hurt he put me through was not necessary. And it didn't evidence grace. How can he talk about something yet not demonstrate it equally to everyone? That's called hypocrisy. And You hate hypocrisy. You hate lukewarm. The Pharisees were hypocrites. God, I want to trust You, and right now that either means that Tom and I will talk and I will get to withdraw the complaint because he reinstates things, or it means that the presbytery will go forth with the complaint and he and I will eventually face each other in that format. But either way, I need closure or biblical restoration. I cannot emotionally handle another church until that conversation does happen. Because his church leadership is hypocritical too since they talk about discipline but don't actually do it or apply it equally to everyone and they talk about grace but don't treat everyone equally with grace. The way they act is grace only applies if you are rich and beautiful and have no special needs whatsoever. God, I am sorry for being honest. But You created me with autism and rigid thinking such to the extent that I cannot just sit back and watch anyone break the rules with anyone no matter what and I have to tell people and tell the truth. What they choose to do with the truth is up to them. It's why we always caution new people that if they don't want to know the truth then don't ask me anything because I will spill it and I will call it like I see it or experience it no matter who gets hurt in the process. But God, since You created me this way, there must be a reason for it even if I don't know yet what that is. But if they punish me or hurt me because of how You created me, then are they not essentially punishing You because You're the Creator? Logically speaking that is. Oh dear God, please just bring about the conversation. And help me find a place that will truly love and accept me for me, for who You created me to be exactly how You created me to be, autism and all. Or open the door to a home or other setting where I can invite people in and we can just have a Bible study/church group without fear of rejection for anything, not even our meltdowns and our fidgets and our love and our joy and our compassion and our passion. Churches often just want to see what they want to see, so even just one mistake to them is more than enough, but the thing is they look for mistakes so that they can perceive things how they want to. They don't seem to care about the reality or the truth. Tom knew who I was and he saw the positives in me until one conflict happened and then he chose to ignore the truth and hurt me more and that was unnecessary because all we had to do was talk about things and it would have easily been resolved! Everyone that has any vested interest in me KNOWS that is the truth too. And they all agree that what he did and how he did it was wrong. Period. God, You want me to trust You? Then please bring about the conversation with him. And I will trust You to do that. Because You supposedly have my best interest in mind and You know my heart and my heart's desire right now, and You know I cannot move forward until the conversation happens. So that's where I am trusting You. In Jesus's Name, Amen!

A Treasure of Trust

Psalm 56:3-4 - When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can the flesh do to me?

Matthew 6:19-21 - "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Dear God, It is so hard to trust You right now. When Tom did what he did the way he did it even though it was most definitely unfair and unnecessary, he shattered a lot of my trust in anything. I wish my trust in You could be easily restored but I am afraid. Please God. I want to trust You, but please help me. Make the conversation with Tom happen. That's all I am asking. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Treasures in Heaven by Burlap to Cashmere

He said follow me, oh oh

Strive to make my convictions right

Oh, my pride is hammering me down

I've seen you crying

I've seen you on your knees

The wise man died so you can

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Don't you wait for the rain to come falling down

Can I follow you? 

She looked at me funny, 

With compassion in her eyes

She said, casually

I've seen you crying

I've seen you on your knees

The wise man died so you can

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Don't you wait for the rain to come falling down 

Down on you

You gotta stop dancin'

Dancin' with your head

You gotta stop dancin'

Dancin' with your head

You gotta stop dancin'

Dancin' with your head

And just look to the heavenly skies

I've seen you crying

I've seen you on your knees

The wise man died so you can...

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Store up treasures in heaven

Don't wait for the rain to come falling down 

Down on you

Don't let the rain

Don't let the rain

Don't let the

Don't let the rain

Don't let the rain

Don't let the

Don't let the rain

Don't let the rain

Fall down on you