On Autism, Vaccines, and Why the Unvaccinated Are a Threat

Wait, I know you're about to ask, why on a blog about your journey through theology? Bear with me, you'll soon see.

1. I am a survivor. It turns out I was exposed to rubella when my mom was pregnant with me. She nearly lost me at five months. I was born tiny. I was born sick. And all because of that rubella exposure. Doctors gave me five years outside of a bubble. I have since surpassed by, but it means that the rubella exposure did not do anything to help me. To this day, we know that I have a progressive congenital rubella syndrome. And it has impacted me systemically.

2. Because of that rubella exposure in the womb, my development was disrupted. I was born without an entire component of my complement immune deficiency which makes me more susceptible to bacterial infections. And I most likely had what would have been called global developmental disorder, but it turns out I am autistic. So I am autistic and immune deficient.

3. Mom was exposed to Agent Orange during her service during the Vietnam Era. Getting the VA to do anything has been like pulling teeth from a crocodile. Not to be insensitive to anything that has occurred this week. We suspect to some extent that agent orange could also contribute to the autism.

4. As a result of what is now CVID (common variable immune deficiency), I am unable to get live vaccines (chicken pox, measles, mumps, rubella, shingles, and flu mist). This means I need all who are medically able to be vaccinated. I had chicken pox. In adulthood. And I have no antibodies. I had measles four months later. I am fortunate to have antibodies. I also have antibodies to rubella. But despite vaccinations, I have no antibodies for mumps. And despite having had it and vaccines, having no antibodies for chicken pox could mean a repeat and worse case for me. Chicken pox followed by measles followed a mutated strain of flu four months after that led to a partial sensorineural hearing loss - reverse loss. Reverse loss only has two causes: damage from prolonged listening to loud sounds or damage from high fevers associated with infections.

5. Why are the unvaccinated a threat? Babies too young to be vaccinated. People like myself who have immune deficiencies. People like myself who have other medical conditions that can make it harder to safely vaccinate. Cancer and leukemia patients. Patients with autoimmune diseases. I will refer you to Immune Deficiency Foundation with regard to herd immunity. http://www.empr.com/features/immune-deficiency-foundation-issues-new-recommendations-for-vaccination-of-immunodeficient-patients/article/339543/

6. No, vaccines did not cause autism. To even say that is to discredit the autistics who lived before vaccines ever existed and to discredit the unvaccinated autistics. The Denmark study confirmed that autism is not in any higher rates in the vaccinated than in the unvaccinated and that rates were pretty even among both. And it is not the only one. Also, for a vaccine to cause autism, it would have to go from the muscle into which it is injected, jump over into the bloodstream, then change the very wiring in the brain where autism is AND the DNA. I know vaccines can be strong in preventing diseases, but I don't think they are strong enough to jump through all those hoops?

7. Rise in rates of autism? Not really. When I was a child, not a lot was known about autism. We did not have internet in homes like we do now. We did not have 24/7 access to media and information like we do now. And it was very rare that girls were diagnosed. As for before I was born, most were sent to institutions or homes and were hardly ever seen again afterward. Autism also went by many names other than autism - touched in the head was a term I had to research after reading it in a book whose main character encounters an autistic who is nonverbal and at risk. In other words, they thought autistics were possessed by the devil at one point. The spectrum was broadened to include all levels of autism, including Asperger's. We now have more access to more information. And as a result, the rates seem like they have gone up even though the reality might be just the opposite and rates might have actually stayed the same. Plus, because of autistic adults like myself who have been pushed off the societal cliff with regard to services we need, there is a huge push to diagnose as early as possible.

Now how does any of this relate to theology?

God created all people, autistic or not, in His image. And if you consider how God relates to His children, there are several things about Him that technically could be on the autism spectrum itself. Brutal honesty is one. Creativity. Loyalty. Loving. Yet also angry and torn. Emotional. You cannot separate God from nature. And God's nature is immutable. If God's nature is immutable, then He cannot create anything that is broken or damaged. Sin can disrupt things, but otherwise, everything is just as God intended it to be.

Some people say they refuse to vaccinate on the grounds of religion. When asked, they cite "fetal tissue cells from an aborted baby." Do we know for sure that the tissue cells were actually from an aborted baby or maybe it was just a baby that died from natural causes? Even if it was an aborted baby, there might have been medical reasons for that woman to abort. And even further still, God gave some men and women out there the brains to be able to redeem a seemingly tragic situation and turn it into something that has since saved millions of babies, children, teenagers, and adults from diseases that used to kill or disable someone. Also, now that we grow vaccines in eggs, would they really still be using that cell line?

It doesn't take a genius to follow the history of diseases before vaccines to see the good they do. And it was never God's intent for His children to avoid medical prevention just because they want to find the grey areas in the scripture. Not one person who has used religion as an excuse has been able to actually provide a specific scripture where vaccines would be prohibited. They instead refer to Psalm 139 or the Ten Commandments. Of course, the trouble with arguing with an immune deficient autistic is that I can usually throw the Ten Commandments back at them with the admonition and reminder that it is wrong to murder and how bringing back diseases that are now preventable would be akin to murder if I am exposed.

Also, if you want to follow an interesting discussion, look up Marco Arturo and his video. The kid is literally a genius. Too bad some "adults" thought it would be appropriate to bully him like they did. All they did was hurt their cause when they did that.

Dear God, I am going to end my post here. But if even just one person reads it and learns something from it, that is one more person who needed to read it and learn something from it. Thank you God for another day of life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

How to Effectively Deal with a Bully

http://susanelizabeth31.blogspot.com/2016/06/a-very-open-letter-to-disqus-bully.html

So this is about a repeat offender who has chosen a two month old comment about my personal experience with autism and how I was impacted by being exposed to rubella in the womb. I have reported him, but clearly Disqus has chosen to allow him to continue. Well, after much prayer, I have decided to once again out him for his bullying. And this is probably more effective than responding to him.

Repentant Heart or Stupid Fool

So, for those who may not know, some rapper I have never listened to and never will received backlash this week for a video he posted on social media of a young man while that young man was working. The rapper? 50 Cent. What kind of nickname is that?  I don't know but I do think his nickname sure matches what his personality is worth. 

What was the issue? The issue is that the young man he chose to defame this time is autistic and hard of hearing. But the rapper claimed he was high on drugs and whatever else. The rapper got up in the young man's personal space video recording him and tearing him down.

Now for those of you do not know, I am also autistic. I am autistic and a Christian. BUT, here's where things get me. While 50 Cent made an "apology" and then a donation to Autism Speaks, his apology could not have been sincere and he could not have been repentant. And I cannot forgive him. 

Why? 

This is not 50 Cent's first act of hostility against the autistics. Back in 2012, he made a comment to a fan on his Twitter feed saying that the fan looked autistic and that he didn't want special Ed kids following him. And back in 2012, he got backlash, apologized, and made a donation to Autism Speaks. 

Yet here we are again. 

I have seen some pretty brutal things in the days following this new situation. Everything from well, how could he know the guy was autistic or why wasn't the guy wearing a sign? 

What? Are we going back to those days? Really? 

Of course, I told one of those people saying the guy should have been wearing a sign that maybe he needed to wear a sign so autistics would know he was an ignorant person. 

I did take some time to process things before I wrote a statement myself to 50 Cent and in that I expressed honestly that I cannot forgive him as this was not his first offense. I also expressed concern for what his kid might be learning. 

Look, I know as a Christian I should be forgiving, but when someone evidences the level of hate toward someone like me repeatedly, it gets harder because there is that thing called a repentant heart. Did 50 Cent learn from the first time? Clearly not. And I wonder how many other times he has done this before that, before social media allowed information to be shared faster than ever before? 

50 Cent is not a good human being. Even if the young man had not been disabled and just doing his job, a good human being does not make accusatory videos like that then post them on social media. A good human being simply does not do that kind of thing.

But here's the thing that makes me angry: that young man might look autistic (neither do I), but odds are that if we don't look autistic (what does autism look like though, really) that a lot of time was spent in therapy and interventions so that we don't look autistic. However, the thing that could hurt the most is that that video could have cost that young man his job, a job which was not easy for him to get in the first place and is not easy to keep. I know all too well the difficulty in getting and keeping a job for as much as I try, I just don't have success getting past the interview stage. 

For the most part, many autistics are unemployed or underemployed because while the autism itself is not necessarily disabling, societal attitudes are. Society thinks that if we do not fit their mold, in their little boxes, that we are broken, less than deserving, less than human.... I know this as I experienced some of those attitudes from a church of all places. And the thing is, I have lived with those attitudes all my life, even before my official diagnosis was made. 

Would it have been different for me had we known before? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. But does it have to remain that way? Absolutely not. 

My life took a weird turn over the course of the last few months or so. I became an advocate. And here's the thing: my advocacy might have more potential than that of those who do not actually have the disabilities they advocate for. Because while they may be advocating, they don't actually live it. 

I have seen a lot of people say that 50 Cent should be required to work with autistics. As an autistic, I say no, he should not be allowed around them unsupervised. He has not evidenced the ability to even be a respectful human being. 

Reflection: I am not sure who is scarier at this point - 50 Cent or Trump. 

Dear God, I pray that as I wrestle through some of these hard-hitting issues that You strengthen me and give me wisdom. May others learn through what I have experienced and through what I write about, which is what I know. And bless the mothers out there today. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Worship Him Only

Isaiah 55:8-9 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

I Timothy 6:13-16 - I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time–he who is blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen.

Revelation 2:4 - "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first."

Dear God, thank You for grace. Thank You for rest. Thank You for having higher ways and thoughts than I can even comprehend. I had a rough day all around yesterday. I found out someone tried to ruin my life over something they likely misinterpreted and that they had called one of many volunteer places to try to smear my reputation. The slander is indeed very hurtful and very sad. To stoop so low like that. The plus side is that they did not get away with it as they chose to be anonymous with their claim. I am highly doubtful that it was a friend of mine though as all of my friends who know me well enough know that I have autism and that I sometimes lack social graces and conventions. They know they can ignore what I have said, clarify what I have said, or distance themselves from me. If it was a stranger, it was probably one I already blocked for being a bully on another media page. Some people seem to think that they have the right to an opinion but that no one else does. In my rising advocacy, I am going to run into people who will hate me. I read Matthew 10 yesterday after I cooled off a little from that report about what happened. I learned that if I will endure this, what that mentally sick person did to try to harm me and my livelihood, that I will be saved from the persecution. They may drag me through hell, but they will not win. I am out there in my community trying to THRIVE and trying to give back to my community which has blessed me beyond words despite of my autism, and the haters are going to hate, but they are NOT going to win. You are the good and kind and perfect judge. And I will leave that enemy that did that malicious thing to Your hands. Vengeance is YOURS. Not mine. If it was a friend, though, help me figure out who it was so I can remove them from my life. I do not need friends who try to destroy me or bring me down. God, help my love for You to never grow lukewarm. I want my love to always be real and genuine just like it is for my mom and my true friends. God, on another note that I need to turn over to You, I had the crushing notice that my really good insurance plan will be cancelled at the end of the year, right when we are finally getting some things figured out at that. It is not just an inconvenience, it is not right. It is an injustice. The third thing I need to turn over to You is the fact my doctor made a promise and then retracted on his promise to help me get the treatment I actually need. So I will pray that you will give my allergist/immunologist the ears to really truly hear my concerns about my immune system crashing and that You will give him the wisdom to consider a trial run of infusions for me for just a short time so we can see if they would help. I want my quality of life back. What little bit of life I may left. If not, may we see what our first and last vacation might be and then may You allow me dignity in the time I have remaining on this earth. I am scared, God. I am tired. I am tired of being sick all the time. I am exhausted. And I am turning everything over to You and putting everything into Your hands. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

He Is the God of All Time and All That Is

Psalm 32:6 - Therefore let everyone who is godly offer a prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him. 

Psalm 55:17 - Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice.

Psalm 62:8 - Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Dear God, it is so easy to trust You when things are going well. But what I need to learn is to still trust You when things are not going as well. You will heal me from this Eustachian tube infection. You will provide for my family financially. You will help direct my doctors to act instead of just waiting and seeing as my immune system crashes. I may be in the midst of a storm right now, but You are still there. Whether or not I see You or feel You. Autism is not a punishment. It is a blessing. Because You sometimes intend for us to go through things so we can bless others through our experiences. Thank You. In Jesus Name' Amen!

Keep Walking with God Along the Path He Has Chosen for You

Psalm 16:11 - You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. 

Psalm 37:23-24 - The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.

Dear God, my path is different from another person's path and still another person's path is different from my own path. While our paths may cross and even intermingle for a while, our paths will always be different. It frustrates me when people who don't know the oath I have been on to get to where I am try to force me onto a different path because when they hear I have autism, they somehow equate that to being less than or inferior to themselves. Or they somehow think that the path You have chosen for me is wrong because it doesn't fit their ideas about things. I am still so wounded by how that care team turned out with the two individuals in it basically destroying everything and worst of all, destroying my spirit. I am still wounded by Tom's end and him standing up for what he knew was right and against what he knew was wrong. I am still holding hope in You that You will eventually allow reconciliation between Tom and myself, but also know that even when You do, he and I will be so different by that point that things will have to be different. I mean it may be possible that he and I could refriend on Facebook, but will it be friends in real life again? Probably not really. I would rather spend my life with no real friends off Facebook whatsoever than to be hurt the way he hurt me again. But maybe that is the path I have been given, one destined to have friends and acquaintances but never to have any that are really close or personal. I mean real friends forgive and don't abandon their friends when in need. Real friends stick it out and love on their friends even when a conflict arises. Real friends stick up for what is right and stand up against what is wrong. My path is my path, and my path includes autism, immune deficiency, and whatever is going on in my gut. My path is not perfect, but my path is my path because You have chosen it for me. Anyone who tries to push me off my path is not worth my time or energy. Anyone who tries to come along side of me and offers me a supportive hand along the way is worth my time and energy and even my forgiveness. Tom is one of them. But maybe that will be a miracle if it happens this year. I love You God. And I hope I am doing my best to follow the path You have chosen for me. Help me to not stumble off it and to resist the slips and falls along the way. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

God is a Mighty God

Luke 1:37 - "For nothing will be impossible with God."

II Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Dear God, thank You for my weaknesses, for when You choose to work through me in spite of and despite of them, I am able to tell people that it is through Your grace and Your power. Regardless of what any church might try to assume about me, my weaknesses are good. I don't need to be fixed or cured or changed. If a church cannot accept me for me, then it probably is missing You to start with. Thank You for my weaknesses. Thank You for my autism. Thank You for my immune deficiency and my anemia. Thank You for using me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Consider Yourself Blessed When in Need

II Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

James 1:2-3 - Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 

Dear God, thank You for perfecting Your power in and me despite of my weakness. In my time of need, I am forced to choose reliance on You or trying to make things happen on my own. Trying to make things happen on my own doesn't always work, so I will choose to rely on You. While others consider autism a weakness, I will consider it a strength because YOU work through me in spite of my autism. While being medically fragile can be considered a weakness, it is a strength when YOU work through me. So I will thank You for my weaknesses knowing that whatever I lack, You will work through me regardless and fill the need accordingly. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Make Friends With the Problems in Your Life

Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

I Corinthians 1:22-24 - For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.

Dear God, some people say that autism is a burden, but I say it is a blessing with challenges. Why? Because I have come to accept it as something that You chose to allow me to have for a reason. And even though I may not know or understand all the reasons why You chose me to have autism, I embrace it. Thank You for letting me experience autism and help to never let anyone tell me that I have no business sharing my thoughts about autism based on my experiences. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Your Love Never Fails by Newsboys

Nothing can separate
Even if I run away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
You have new mercy for me everyday
'Cause Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
'Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good
You make all things work together for my good

Stop the Judging

Proverbs 3:11-12 - My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his re proof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

Isaiah 61:10 - I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Luke 6:37-38 - "Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you."

Dear God, sinner saved by grace. That is all I need to see myself as. A sinner saved by grace. Sure, I have autism and sure, I get frustrated when I do not live up to others' unrealistic expectations of me, but I am a sinner saved by grace and only need to be concerned with what You think of me. Mikki and Mark tried to change me to what and who they thought I should be. Tom tried to force change when the one who really needed to change was him. He was less forceful though. Ginny was the only person other than my mom that accepted me for me. But even they are not as important as You. Your opinion of me is that I am Your child, and that Your Son paid my ransom so I can be free to be me, who. You created me to be. Anyone who sees me differently needs to look at their own reflection. Stop judging myself. That is a little harder, but so true. Do I look like someone else? Do I act or talk like them? No? Does it matter? Not really. You did not create us all to be exactly alike. The spectrum of Your creation is as beautiful and mysterious as the spectrum of autism. Thank You for the beauty of differences. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Accept Things the Way They Are

Numbers 6:24-26 - The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Psalm 13:5 - But I have trusted on your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

Psalm 29:11 - May the Lord give strength to his people! May the Lord bless his people with peace!

Dear God, accept myself and my circumstances. It can be hard especially when others refuse to accept me as I am. You clearly created me to have autism, and that will never change. It is part of me. It infuriates me that anyone ever thought otherwise. It infuriates me that there are people out there who refuse to accept me as I am. Yet they expect me to accept them as they are. I am not going to wear myself out over it though. I am going to resolve to stay close to You and trust You to get me through this day and those that follow. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Do Not Conform to the World

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

Romans 12:2 (NIV) - Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you be able to test and approve what God's will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

Dear God, I want to have an ever increasing attentiveness to Your presence. I need my mind recharged and refreshed and renewed each and every night and day. While the world may want to make me exactly like everyone else, You did not create me to be exactly like everyone else. You created me to be my own person in You and to follow my own path after You. You created me, autism and all, with a purpose, and no one can change that no matter how hard they might want to try. It will take me a long time to recover from the abuses I went through at Oak Mountain, but I trusted You and took a first step and offered Tom forgiveness and trust You that You will work in his heart to bring about restoration and reconciliation. In today's America, we have a group of people calling themselves Christians but trashing on the president, trashing on the poor, and trashing on anyone who is not white, is not perfect, is differently abled. It is disgusting that they dare do these things while claiming to be Christians. Your words are very clear with respect to the president, the poor, and the differently abled. Your word is very clear with respect to how we are to treat fellow human beings. To do anything else is not Your will. Thank You for renewing my mind everyday and creating me in such a way that being different is actually cool! In Jesus' Name, Amen!

My Precious Promises

Genesis 28:15 - "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Romans 8:38-39 - For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Philippians 4:12 - I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

Philippians 4:12 (ICB) - I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens.

Philippians 4:19 - And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 

Dear God, You are with me everywhere I go. You will meet my needs according to Your riches. Nothing can separate me from Your love. You have chosen me. You have allowed me to experience autism firsthand. And no matter how hard people want to disapprove of me because I do not fit into their "perfect" little mold of what they think I should be like, You still love me for who I am, perfect in Your image and sight and mind. You will make sure my family is taken care of financially so that we can pay the bills and food and medicine and doctors and insurance and house and cars. You will even restore friendship with Tom even if it looks different in the beginning of the restoration. You will help me find a new church that will accept me for who I am, autism and all, and will not be mean bullies and try to change who You created me to be just because I am brutally honest to a fault. Will you protect me from the wrong path that people just thrust America onto last night? The republicans are gunning to throw me off a cliff just because I am disabled. Thank You, God. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Free

Psalm 68:19 - Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Selah

Psalm 68:19 (CEV) - We praise you, Lord God! You treat us with kindness day after day, and you rescue us.

I John 1:7-9 - But if we walk in the light, as he in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I John 4:15-21 - Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother. 

Dear God, just as You have forgiven me, I want, no, I need to forgive a certain person as well. Since he has failed to be the bigger person that I had known him to be, help me to be the bigger person. Help me to blow him away with the same loving kindness You show me every day. Give me strength. The passages in I John are actually really valuable lessons. They are either evidence of his heart or they could be evidence of my growth. I had some of the words I needed for a letter, but not quite all of them. Help me. Guide me. Lead me. Help me find some unpressured time to just write. Help me give him the door to receive forgiveness and final reconciliation. What he did was wrong. How he did it was wrong and unnecessary. But the fact is that he did it. He has one thing he can do to show willingness to receive forgiveness. He knows exactly what that is. And if he truly does believe in You, then he would find a way to do that one thing without worrying what others might think or do. So not only do I ask for You to strengthen me and help guide me, but I ask You to strengthen him and guide him. This will not be an easy thing by no means, but it may the very thing we both need to go through in order to have insurmountable growth. As for fellowship with others, that is hard when most churches seem to actually hate people with special needs, evidenced by the fact that most do not have special needs ministries for children AND adults. They do not embrace people and families with special needs. They try to "fix" or "change" the person with special needs. When they finally get told to cool their jets, they might develop "care teams" that ultimately do MORE harm than good and permanently damage the person. When a person who commits a sin that gets made public to an entire congregation can be fully restored while a person who commits a "smaller" sin that never gets made fully public and then is diagnosed with autism but suddenly gets treated as though autism is the sin and does not get restored fully after going through the same process, something is wrong. It evidences a discrimination that should NEVER exist in a church at any point in time. That church lacks evidence of You, God, and I know it now. I know it and I would imagine he does, too. I would imagine many have awakened to that. While these passage speak to my heart, and his heart, they also speak to the heart of that church. Essentially, You gave a litmus test. You have a few, but they all seem to come back to whether someone says they love You but how do they treat their fellow believer or brother/sister and if they say they love You but act with hate toward their brother/sister, then they cannot possibly love You because You are love. Therein lies the dilemma for me though. I know I need to offer a chance for the offending brother to receive forgiveness and the opportunity to demonstrate forgiveness as well, but yet, should I since based on his actions, he does not even love You, God? Do I offer them an opportunity to receive forgiveness or do I reject them altogether because based on their actions they have evidence that they do not have You? They speak so much about grace yet they failed the real test of grace when it came to the action of grace. Give me wisdom, God, for I am in a conundrum. Thank You, God for forgiveness and for mercy and for grace and for loving kindness. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Take a Break from Judging

Matthew 7:1-5 - "Judge not, that you not be judge. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

John 17:3 - "And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."

Romans 9:20-21 - But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its modeler, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use?

I Timothy 6:13-16 - I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontiua Pilate made the good confession, to keep the commandment unsustained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time–he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen.

I Timothy 6:17-19 - As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, not to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.

Dear God, help me learn not to be so judgmental. It can be very hard to I break the habit of judging when others have often been so judgmental that it is all you know and understand. From the time I was little, I have always been judged. Why does she look funny? Why does talk funny? Why does she act weird? Is she retarded? Her nose is always in a book. She smells different. She doesn't wear a bra yet and she is in fourth grade. She has ADHD. She has autism. Oh wait, she has autism, and we must fix her and try to make her like everyone else. She is too honest. These tapes replay themselves a lot when I am judging myself. And I am the harshest judge of all when it comes to myself. Time to flip the record though. I have to. I cannot keep living on record side A. I need to start living on record side B. You are going to do a great job of shelving books because you are very detail-oriented. I am looking forward to beginning my volunteer position. Someone has seen a positive to my autism! And given me an affirmation. And all I needed was a chance and someone to see even just one positive. That made my whole week. It was not a judgment. It was an affirmation! Instead of judging, we should be in the business of affirmations. Especially as Christians. Oh look, that person is on SNAP. They must be lazy. Oh look, that person is on welfare. They must be lazy. Oh look, that person is on disability. They don't look disabled. They must be lazy. Really? Oh look, that person is rich and goes to the country club! They must be lazy! Turn it around folks unless you want the same judgment passed down on you. Not everyone receiving SNAP is lazy. Some people receiving SNAP are disabled, veterans, retired senior citizens, working parents, and military families. Not everyone on welfare is lazy. Many of them are working parents. Not everyone on disability looks disabled because there are a lot of hidden disabilities like cancer, asthma, allergies, learning disabilities, autism, blood disorders, immune deficiencies, etc. The list goes on. A disability is something that significant impacts a function of daily living. Whether is the ability to learn adequately or the ability to socialize properly to the ability to fight off infections or the ability to use the bathroom or the ability to breathe, etc. Do you want to be judged because you are rich? Because from my experience, most rich people look down on others because they never had to work a day in their lives. They bought their good grades or they bought their way into the college of their choice instead of having to settle for the college that offered them the best financial aid package, or they bought their way into a job because their parents ran in the same circle as someone high up. Even church people are guilty of doing this. Oh this person isn't rich so let us judge them and when something goes wrong we will just hold them back and treat them like poop while this other person is rich so when something goes wrong we will remove them for a little bit but as soon as possible we will restore them to everything no questions asked and no holds barred. Yes, I have experienced that. And mostly because of the autism. Autism taught me something. It taught me that some people who claim to be Christians really are not. Not based on how they act. Matthew 25:31-46. I have started trying to live my life as a Christian following that passage because Jesus was so clear to me on that one after my diagnosis. But then I have met some Christians who will do anything but those. We must take away their money for food or their money for healthcare because we think they are lazy and we think that is what God wants. How does it go? To whom much has been given, much is expected? Is that right? This goes out to Tom, Mikki, Mark, Bob, and any other person out there claiming to be a Christian but sitting there judging the least of these. Stop poo-poo'ing us and start actually doing real ministry with us. After all, you will be judged with the same measure of judgment that you use. After all, does not the Creator have the right to create how He wants to create? You have no right to change how He does His job. So what if the vessel ended up cracked or ridged in the end? Maybe that is exactly what God wanted. He made it the way He designed it. And some of us are not designed flawlessly except that we are because we were created by a perfect Creator. God created me smooth as smooth can be, but right after I came out of the kiln, I got dropped and a chip occurred. God saw that chip and said, you are still just as beautiful to me because I created you. Do you any of you think you are so perfect that you can do the job that is only reserved for God? I hate when I have to call others out in a lesson, but this lesson is a strong lesson. And I have gotten some takeaways from it like no other. I am not judging any of you. I am just reminding you of what you taught me which is exactly what I am now learning today. God, thank You for bringing some lessons back around and for growing me so that I can understand those lessons. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The One Who Heals

Psalm 103:1-5 - Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Matthew 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

II Corinthians 12:7-10 - So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

James 4:1-3 - What causes quarrels and what causes fights among You? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Dear God, thank You for giving me autism. Or letting me have autism. Whichever. To those who tried to change me after learning about it, shame on them. To those who rejected me after learning about it, shame on them. As You Yourself say, You will not remove everything that causes hurt, but You will supply us with what we need to deal with the hurts. So I will simply say, thank You. Because autism does not hurt me, it is not something that needs to be taken away. It may cause some grief along the way with those who are too stubborn to see the strength that it presents along with the weaknesses, but thank You for letting me have it. Your grace truly is sufficient for me, and I truly am strong even in my weaknesses. Tom, if you see this, KNOW that. Trust that. Believe that. Because I can forgive you if you ask. And I am still willing to work through reconciliation with you. Thank You, God, for grace. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Dare to Be Different

Psalm 34:5 - Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 42:1-2 - As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?

Philippians 2:14-16 - Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

Philippians 2:15 (ICB) - Then you will be innocent and without anything wrong in you. You will be God's children without fault. But you are living with crooked and mean people all around you. Among them you shine like stars in the dark world.

Dear God, I not only dare to be different but I love the fact that You created me to be different, autism and all. I have a unique perspective. I have a mind that thinks outside the box that many people seem to want to shove everyone into. I will not conform because I cannot. I am a round peg and I do not fit into the square hole. And people either need to accept and embrace that and learn how to work with me and my differences or they need to look in the mirror at themselves. The fact remains that Tom tried to say they tried to mainstream me and that their attempts to do so failed. The fact remains that what that church did was not mainstreaming at all, but excluding me. Mainstream means to include fully with some assistance or modifications. Not bully, abuse, or exclude from anything and everything. That team hurt me because they tried to force change that was not needed and that would have damaged who You created me to be. And Ginny saw through it and tried to stop it because she saw the pain and the suffering. Yet when Tom was informed of it, he brushed it off as me having misunderstood the intentions. If he had just listened, he would have known. If he had just talked to me back when our conflict in October happened, we would not be where we are today with me struggling to write the letter to give him the chance, the opportunity, to finally do the right thing. Dare to be different. I hope he dares to be different. He knew what they did was wrong. He acknowledged that what they were doing was wrong. But he did nothing to stop it. Dare to be different, Tom. I see better in you, Tom. And I know you better than that, Tom. I know you are capable of rising above, Tom. And that means there is hope if I can acknowledge these things about you, Tom. Dare to be different. You know, God, I am glad I am different. You have me a brain to reason and to think with. You gave me a brain to use. And while others may disagree, the fact remains that that brain and that ability to think and reason is why I am defensive about the whole Hobby Lobby legalism on parade debacle. You see, when I am personally affected by something, I care about it and I follow it and I research it extensively. That is why I know that the Supreme Court was wrong on so many levels. I read about the miracle baby born in Ireland. How her mom miscarried and was prescribed an abortion drug to help her to avoid infection. And how a few weeks later a heartbeat was detected. The little girl survived the whole ordeal! Yet I reasoned out that had that woman worked for Hobby Lobby, Hobby Lobby's legalism would have prohibited her doctor from being able to act in an emergency, the woman could have ended up with the infection the doctor wanted to prescribe abortion drugs to prevent, the remaining baby could have died or miscarried as a result of the infection if not the mom herself, and then Hobby Lobby would have been responsible for not one, but two deaths, all because they are legalists and the Supreme Court decided the corporation was a person. Dare to be different. God, thank You for making me different. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

It's Not a Suggestion

Psalm 62:8 - Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Psalm 62:8 (ICB) - Trust God all the time. Tell him all your problems. God is our protection.

Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." 

II Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Dear God, it is so hard to only focus on the today rather than to worry about what's ahead. A lot of things can catch us off guard. But in focusing on the today right now, all I will be able to adequately ask is that people who are voting in the run offs in my district make the right decision. The problem I am noticing is that many people want to vote based on whether they believe a candidate is a Christian or not. What they do not seem to understand though is that could actually cost them and everyone else dearly. Especially when those so-called Christian candidates are also running a campaign on hate for the president. If the candidate truly was a Christian, they should be running a campaign of respect and willingness to work with the president to do what is best for all the people. The ACA, for example, which was proposed by republicans to start with, is good for all the people. How so? It ends discriminatory practices that allowed insurance companies to deny people based on pre-exisitng conditions or even drop them when they got sick. Case in point: Before the ACA, if my immune deficiency had been determined to have been present at birth, the insurance company could have said that condition was pre-existing and dropped me when I went for treatment because of a condition that the immune deficiency causes me to have. Even though I never knew about the immune deficiency until adulthood. The ACA is a good thing because it equalizes opportunity for everyone when it comes to getting insurance to help with the costs of healthcare. It helps families like my own to no longer be crushed by the costs of healthcare. The problem is the people who chose to block the Medicaid expansion in states where Medicaid is already more dysfunctional than it should be because it doesn't follow federal Medicaid guidelines. The other problem is the employers have too much control in a person's doctor-patient relationship. They need to eliminate employer-based insurance altogether so everyone will be on an equal playing field. I have private pay insurance and my insurance should not be better than or worse than an employee for some company. If we pay the same thing and have the same plan, than they should have the same coverage and so should I. Why should an employee have autism coverage when I don't? Why should I have coverage of all forms of birth control when they don't because some stupid judges decided a corporation can have beliefs, which actually is the stupidest and most unethical and unbiblical thing I have ever heard? How can a corporation have beliefs when a corporation cannot breathe, walk, think, eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, feel, etc. on its own? It cannot. The Bible says that You created man and woman in Your image, not corporations. The Bible says Jesus came to die on the cross so that man may live, not corporations. Even the founding fathers of the United States said all men were created equal, not corporations. And the constitution starts, "we the people," not we the corporations. Until a corporation has the capacity to feel and think and breathe on its own, it cannot have beliefs. Based on that judgment, my dog believes all men should be castrated because she has closely held beliefs that men are bad. My dog is not a person, but she does have closely held beliefs. I have observed them. So I guess I should take her case to the Supreme Court and convince them that unless all men are castrated because I think the Bible should agree with me on it even though that is not what the Bible says that my religious freedoms are being trampled? Yeah, same logic as the Hobby Lobby case even if it sounds stupid. But see, that is why I think people who only vote for others because they are "Christian," might be doing themselves and everyone else a major disservice. DeMarco for example says he is a good Christian. But his campaign says he hates the president and plans to fight the president (excuse me, your job if elected to congress is to work with the president). And just this past week alone, I received TWO attack ads in the mail from his campaign. Yeah, no. Not a Christian. A true Christian would not attack another like that. I cannot wait until November when I can vote for Mr. Vise. I already did my research into him and what he stands for and he was very open and honest with me about the questions I asked him. He was very personable. And I have a feeling he really gets it and will be the best choice for my district because he is willing to listen to all his constituents and not just the rich ones. Which is good because a lot of veterans are not rich. A lot of disabled people are not rich. God, why do people insist on using women and veterans as pawns in their sick game of politics and why do people insist on voting based on party rather than actual issues? Not all democrats or non-republicans support abortion? But they see anything besides an R, and they instantly assume that the person cannot be Christian or must somehow support abortion. I have a feeling if more research was done into when abortion became legal, people might be suprised to find that a republican was president or that congress was republican or even the senate. Who knows for sure? And contrary to popular opinion, the democrats have a long history have caring more about the poor and the veterans and the disabled and the elderly than the republicans. Which is odd since "democrats cannot be Christians." Says who? The Bible has no political party and from what I have read in the Bible so far this year, Jesus was a socialist and more in line with today's democrats than today's republicans. Just saying. God, one more worry to release: I am going to take time to actually begin to write the letter later today. Give me the words I need to say. Good or bad. Guide me to write what he needs to hear. Give me the courage and the strength to offer him grace and forgiveness and opportunity to receive it. Soften his heart and prepare it for the words that will come his way. Guide him to respond in kind. Okay, God. That was a lot. Thank You for caring enough to hear all my worries, no matter how big or small. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Finding Your Passion and Calling

I wish it was easy sometimes to find one's passion and calling in life. The thing is that sometimes I feel like the world is asking me to do something I really cannot do: settle on one thing and do it. What? At 35, I still have not settled on one thing. I love writing and I love teaching and the truth is that I can teach through my writing. Some of you may or may not already know I am in process of writing a book. On living with autism. And at this point it may develop based on a series of interviews that get recorded and transcribed. It will tackle questions answered by me and questions answered by mom. It will include resources and suggestions for churches, schools, and others who encounter those of us whom God has both blessed and challenged with autism, and it will be a resource in general. I have considered becoming an interpreter for the deaf. But don't get me wrong, that will be the hardest thing I strive for in my life. I love music, but I do not want to do a job being paid to do music. It might squelch my passion. I love doing puppets, but again the same fear. I only recently started doing art. I have gone loom band crazy and have already sold several of my first creations to raise money that I will later turn around and donate to autism organizations. But I have come full circle. I want to work with special needs. 

Let me give some of my background. Before I ever got my first diagnosis of anything other than mitral valve prolapse which was only arrived at after I passed out at school during my junior year and had to be rushed to the hospital for testing, the doctors thought I had had a seizure. Well, their medicines didn't help. So finally the doctor landed on testing my heart. And the home monitor showed a definite problem. I went through a lot of home monitoring - brain activity, heart activity. Let's just say that the worst part was having to note when I went number two because apparently that can make your heart go crazy. 

My senior year in high school, I was done with virtually all of my requisite classes and doing one of my classes through video homeschool to get credit for it. I ended up having three open periods but was only allowed one study hall, so I asked if I could be a teacher's aide since I was considering education as my major in college. I was assigned to K4. I loved it! But the teacher had a point of tension. She had a little boy with Down Syndrome in the class who often demanded a lot of attention which kept her on her toes while she tried to teach the others. After a little bit of time, I took a liking to him and desired to do what I could to help the teacher, so I gave him a little but of extra special attention. Sometimes it just meant me sitting in a chair and letting him sit on my lap. And he was happy like that. The other kids were happy that he was happy and the teacher couldn't seem to thank me enough. Later that year, I wrote a poem about him that we presented to his mom. I still remember that boy - Blake. A few years later, in college, I met a guy who was related to Blake and told me he remembered the poem is had written and how touched his family was by it. It really made my day. I do not know what became of Blake. But I still remember how he taught me about love and compassion. Because of Blake, I wanted to work with other special needs people. 

Here's the thing, fast forward to today. I have come full circle. Although it may not be in a classroom teaching special needs children, and although it may not be journalism like I ended up getting my degree in, I have found my true passion and calling. And it is special needs. You see, God has equipped me for it. I have special needs myself. I know what it is like to go through school and college without knowing you have something wrong but yet knowing something about you is different. Or going through life with the wrong diagnosis. Or trying to advocate for yourself only to hit brick walls (ignorance). And the thing is, it happens everywhere. Churches, schools, jobs, even programs designed to work with special needs people. Shocker on that last one, but for the sake of learning to better advocate for myself, I will withhold more specific information about that aspect. 

I have been through a rather long weekend that began yesterday. And it started on a sour note. Or rather I should say, a stinging note? I had to go the endocrinologist and on the way out the door, a wasp got caught between me and the storm door. Well, I got my first ever wasp sting. And let's just say I would rather relive appendicitis than go through what I went through. In that moment after it happened, my mom described what was the worst and most frightening meltdown she had ever seen. It was a look of pain and panic all at once. Pain because my arm had just been stung and was really hurting. Panic because my arm swelled up and we didn't know how my body would respond to the sting. Mom said if we had been outside when it occurred that I would have possibly bolted down the street trying to get away from the wasp and her worst fear might have come to pass. And yes, I do have a feeling she may be contacting the local sheriff about getting a tracking bracelet on me as a preventive measure. We instantly began treatment with Benadryl and some solutions to calm the sting. Ice for swelling. Tylenol for fever that developed overnight. Hydrocortisone for itching. We did go to the clinic after everything was wrapped up. No stinger left behind. Localized reaction. The doctor assured us that subsequent wasp stings should not be any worse. But a reaction is still a reaction and when you have history, it is always best to get checked out. I will make a confession. I am now terrified of going out of the doors anywhere for fear of a wasp lurking about waiting for its next victim. We spent a lot of time when we got back home with me cooped up inside while mom went around the doors and the windows spraying all the wasp nests that were found. Some of them had eggs. Not good. And I am so ready to paint the overhangs sky blue just to see if it will actually reduce the population. 

After the endocrinologist, we went for a free meal for cow appreciation day. Then from there went straight to what I will say was a life changing event for me. I feel more empowered now. And I feel more ready. I am starting a family social and support group for individuals and families touched by special needs. And even ones who aren't because we need all the support we can get. I got to network with others who are leading groups in other parts of the state. I got to know a few of the resources out there. And I feel like I have more direction. Now if only we can work on creating a job that pays me for the passion I have rediscovered, right? I am entering the world of becoming a resource person for churches and schools so when they have a family with special needs come along, I can help them as much as I can or even direct them to more appropriate sources. So now there is my passion or point B. Here I am at point A. And I now need to know how to get from point A to point B so I don't just run around in circles chasing my tail. 

I learned something completely by mistake though. Fire alarms in ginormous hotels are not good things. How do they get disabled people down the stairs? I have to make a point to seek more input on this matter. 

Anyway, I say all of this to encourage others out there who may also be struggling to find that passion and calling in their own lives. Oh, and don't be afraid if in the time you are seeking it, you don't have a job. You shouldn't just settle on a job just because it pays money. You shouldn't have to anyway. Keep your head up and keep praying for God to grant you wisdom and guide you down your path. He will. And ultimately, don't be afraid to take baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Oh, if you feel like I have just described, feel free to leave a comment below so people who read this can pray for you. And so I can also pray for you.

Your Special Path

Micah 6:8 - He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:8 (ICB) - The Lord has told you what is good. He has told you what he wants from you: Do what is right to other people. Love being kind to others. And live humbly, trusting your God.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Dear God, I understand that each person has his or her path in life. This is why I do not understand why Tom's church did what they did to me. They tried to change the path You had me on. And in doing that, they hurt me more than anyone ever could. When Tom did what he did, he knew he was wrong to do so. Yet he still did it. He knew he should have talked to me. Yet he didn't. Yet this is where things get weird, You, God, have taught me more about Your grace and Your love and Your mercy and Your kindness and Your forgiveness these past few months more so than Tom and most definitely more so than his church ever did. It turns that Your grace and love and mercy and kindness and forgiveness are more real and more alive than what even they could ever comprehend themselves and I have experienced it firsthand and now it is spilling over and You are asking me to share it. With Tom and with others. But You see. I have been through a lot and it was recommended that I write to Tom's church. But I think the reason I haven't printed that letter yet and sent it is because it isn't his church that I need to come to terms with yet. It is Tom. And then if he accepts, them it is his church. So help me God. Help me to write the words I need to say to him, the truth he needs to hear, maybe even for the first time. Or maybe the thousandth time as old and ancient as he is in terms of life experience because he is not really old and ancient. Anyway, God, each person does have his or her own path, and as it turns out, his church was wrong to interfere with Your work in my life and it was wrong to exclude me the way it did. Maybe it would have been different had they not tried to change who I am, who You created me to be. And I think even Ginny knew that which is why she told me some things that they would not be happy to know she told me. Because Ginny knew I needed to come into my own person and that the other two on that "team" were damaging me. They may not have intended to inflict damage, but they were actually very divisive which is what caused the damage. And until they address the root of the problem, they will never be able to grow as a church that is good for the people. They will only continue to fall away from You. I mean, even other people are struggling with that church and for a variety of reasons. Maybe it is time for them to stop and listen. Because they are falling apart from the inside out. God, thank You for the path. You have me on. I may long, it may be rough, and it may sometimes seem like it is a mystery to me, but thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!