How?

I am so behind but I have two days to catch up. But I want to pose this question and I welcome any comments in answer.

I am anxious. Because of some information that came to light Monday regarding where my heart is right now. I do not know if reconciliation/restoration or even closure will be able to happen.

But while I am anxious and have many thoughts and questions in my head, I am also feeling that weird calm again. The one that is induced by having seen a consistency with a friend even during a transitional time for me and seeing how he has been consistent with grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and compassion and continues to pursue my friendship. Calm induced by excited anticipation that soon we may get to have some real quality time in person.

I want to say something though. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. In that, I am normal. But I would not desire a magic pill to make my autism go away. Not ever. Because God chose me. And because God chose me, He already knew certain things had to happen. He chose Tom to become a very dear friend to me and with me. He knew Tom could handle things with me because Tom has a big heart. He chose that I would need a few months of non-membership so I could examine my own heart and life and learn some things to prepare for what may lie ahead. And regardless of outcomes, He knows what He's doing even if I don't.

Although grant it, right now I'd be happier if everything were already sorted out.

Oh, and sweat major, but God knew we'd end up with another mouse in the house that I'm beginning to wonder if it might actually be a kangaroo because there is some major noise in the quiet of my house right now!! I'm wishing I had a baseball bat.

So with that note, I'm going to end this post. ILY!!

Dear Autism

You have so vehemently stolen away most of my chance at a "normal" life for I will never be quite "normal."

And though you're not as cruel to me as Alzheimer's was to my grandpa, you're still wicked evil at times.

However, I am fighting to overcome your challenges. For I will sure as heck not let you win!

I have a brain and I am blessed to be so painfully smart.

Even though you stole my ability to connect normally with my friends, and God bless every friend who has actually stayed by my side despite of you for they will later laugh and say to those who didn't that they knew better and they teach me about love and grace and reflect God in ways I may never truly be able to grasp on my own, but even though you stole that, I still have more.

I am creative in both performing and visual arts. I love music, dance, puppetry, sign language, Spanish, French, reading, and films. I am still quite innocent as the world has not stolen away all of my innocence yet. My ability to connect with children is beyond amazing! I am learning to paint even though you make me afraid of slimy textures. And above all, I LOVE life and I LOVE people, especially my SAFE PEOPLE.

Tonight I thank God and apologize as well, but I thank God for my friends like Tom who take the time to learn about me and who in spite of the worst I could ever do STILL love me and stay by my side. And I guess if that's what grace is like, then maybe God is that much better.

So dear Autism, you can try all you want to steal my chance at a "normal" life away, but you will NOT steal my essence or me away with it.

Sincerely,
Essie, SES