You Are on the Path of God's Choosing

Luke 1:76-79 - "...And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways, to give knowledge of salvation to his people in the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace."

Luke 12:25-26 - "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?"

Dear God, here and now in this moment is where I am supposed to live. It is hard not to worry about the future. Today I received another message warning about the threats to Medicaid and how it would negatively affect the disabled. More threats to the Affordable Care Act which would also negatively impact the disabled, including myself. The GOP budget of hate is literally going to be the most unChristian thing ever and this time, things are going to be even uglier than ever before. As I evaluate the GOP right now and those who defend their actions, all I can think is how dare you call yourself a Christian while you support a party that wants to cut the disabled off, wants to cut off veterans, and now wants to cut off the elderly! If I will know them by their fruits, the GOP has NO Christians. They are greedy war hungry idiots who care nothing about anyone who is not white or rich. God, while worrying may not help me or extend my life, and while I know I shouldn't wish ill will on anyone, I actually do wish the GOP idiots in D.C. would have to be dealt a serious blow to their bank accounts and wallets such as that which so many families of special needs individuals, including my own, have dealt with. Be it from lack of insurance or lack of proper insruance, or be it from the lack of community services or access to them, every single special needs person and family has suffered the consequences of a very hateful GOP of late. They say they are pro-life yet have no problem cutting the disabled off from the things they need in the way of healthcare and other services. God, please intervene before it is too late. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The Language of Heaven

Psalm 100:4-5 - Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

Acts 9:18-19 - And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened.

Colossians 3:15 - And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Revelation 19:3-6 - Once more they cried out, "Hallelujah! The smoke from her goes up forever and ever." And the twenty-four elders and the four living creatures fell down and worshiped God who was seated on the throne, saying, "Amen. Hallelujah!" And from the throne came a voice saying, "Praise our God, all you his servants, you who fear him, small and great." Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, "Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns."

Dear God, help me to stay focused on You. Help me to just relax and let You take the wheel. How fitting this passage is that it fell on Thanksgiving Day this year. Thank You for allowing me to outlive the doctor prognosis placed on me at birth by 31 years now. I may not be the healthiest, but I am alive. Thank You for my precious furbabies, Katie and Molly. Undoubtedly, they would not have lived as long as they have if not for You placing them in my life. Not only do I have special needs, but so do they. Thank You for teaching me ACTIVE grace. Thank You for teaching me REAL compassion. Thank You for teaching me that generosity isn't just about giving money, but giving time and energy to truly just be there for others. And yes, thank You for Tom, who even though he has yet to ask for forgiveness or to forgive me, he will eventually because he is a wise person who does care. I know that in my heart. Thank You also for my mom, who understands me better than many others ever will. Help her find a new job soon so she will not worry about where the money for bills will come from. And thank You for Dee at the library who is allowing me to volunteer one day a week right now to help me get accustomed to doing something that will build endurance and might eventually lead to a job. She is a very wise woman who has found some of my many strengths. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The Good Shepherd

Isaiah 26:7 - The path of the righteous is level; you make level the way of the righteous.

John 10:14-15 - "I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father, and I lay down my life for the sheep."

Dear God, thank You for being the Good Shepherd who does protect me from harm and refuses to allow me to go astray and leave the flock. When Tom claimed he was a shepherd when he hurt me and yet also acknowledged that what his church had done to me was wrong but still allowed it to happen, I honestly do not believe that he fully grasped the fact that a shepherd does not harm any sheep either. But he evidenced that he would rather forget the injured sheep and leave it behind instead of trying to rescue it from danger. Grace? Not there. The evil one? Was in that church. They made it clear that autistic people and other people with special needs are not welcome there. A good shepherd cares for all the sheep that enter his fold, whether they are sick or injured or whole. They never let them fall off a cliff. So thank You, God, that You are not just a good shepherd but that You are the Good Shepherd. You care about all Your sheep. And You never exclude them or throw them under a bus. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Free

Psalm 68:19 - Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Selah

Psalm 68:19 (CEV) - We praise you, Lord God! You treat us with kindness day after day, and you rescue us.

I John 1:7-9 - But if we walk in the light, as he in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I John 4:15-21 - Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother. 

Dear God, just as You have forgiven me, I want, no, I need to forgive a certain person as well. Since he has failed to be the bigger person that I had known him to be, help me to be the bigger person. Help me to blow him away with the same loving kindness You show me every day. Give me strength. The passages in I John are actually really valuable lessons. They are either evidence of his heart or they could be evidence of my growth. I had some of the words I needed for a letter, but not quite all of them. Help me. Guide me. Lead me. Help me find some unpressured time to just write. Help me give him the door to receive forgiveness and final reconciliation. What he did was wrong. How he did it was wrong and unnecessary. But the fact is that he did it. He has one thing he can do to show willingness to receive forgiveness. He knows exactly what that is. And if he truly does believe in You, then he would find a way to do that one thing without worrying what others might think or do. So not only do I ask for You to strengthen me and help guide me, but I ask You to strengthen him and guide him. This will not be an easy thing by no means, but it may the very thing we both need to go through in order to have insurmountable growth. As for fellowship with others, that is hard when most churches seem to actually hate people with special needs, evidenced by the fact that most do not have special needs ministries for children AND adults. They do not embrace people and families with special needs. They try to "fix" or "change" the person with special needs. When they finally get told to cool their jets, they might develop "care teams" that ultimately do MORE harm than good and permanently damage the person. When a person who commits a sin that gets made public to an entire congregation can be fully restored while a person who commits a "smaller" sin that never gets made fully public and then is diagnosed with autism but suddenly gets treated as though autism is the sin and does not get restored fully after going through the same process, something is wrong. It evidences a discrimination that should NEVER exist in a church at any point in time. That church lacks evidence of You, God, and I know it now. I know it and I would imagine he does, too. I would imagine many have awakened to that. While these passage speak to my heart, and his heart, they also speak to the heart of that church. Essentially, You gave a litmus test. You have a few, but they all seem to come back to whether someone says they love You but how do they treat their fellow believer or brother/sister and if they say they love You but act with hate toward their brother/sister, then they cannot possibly love You because You are love. Therein lies the dilemma for me though. I know I need to offer a chance for the offending brother to receive forgiveness and the opportunity to demonstrate forgiveness as well, but yet, should I since based on his actions, he does not even love You, God? Do I offer them an opportunity to receive forgiveness or do I reject them altogether because based on their actions they have evidence that they do not have You? They speak so much about grace yet they failed the real test of grace when it came to the action of grace. Give me wisdom, God, for I am in a conundrum. Thank You, God for forgiveness and for mercy and for grace and for loving kindness. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I've Got Plans for You

I Kings 8:22-24 - Then Solomon stood before the altar of the Lord in the presence of all the assembly of Israel and spread out his hands toward heaven, and said, "O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you, in heaven above or on earth beneath, keeping covenant and showing steadfast love to your servants who walk before you with all their heart, who have kept with your servant David my father what you declared to him. You spoke with your mouth, and with your hand have fulfilled it this day."

I Kings 8:23 (NLT) - O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven above or on the earth below. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion.

Galatians 5:22-23 - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Dear God, You are telling me today that it is okay to be different and that it doesn't matter what other people think. That You sometimes plan for me to stand out from the crowd. I know thos to be true, but apparently this is where that church went wrong. Ginny learned who You designed me to be and encouraged me to find my way in life, YOUR way for me. But she was heartbroken because of how Mikki and Mark treated me. Mikki tried to change me. Not just behaviors or quirks that she didn't like, but who YOU created me to be. And Mark decided to prohibit me from being able to be involved as a member when he realied that I could NOT be changed because I was following the path YOU created for my life. Shame on them. And the thing is Tom refused to understand things until I left to allow time for me to explore things. But now, God, let's explore the fruit of the Spirit again here. Because the other thing I read today is that sometimes You call me to do something that I will not feel ready for but that Your power will make me good enough and brave enough to do. First, let me apply them to Tom and what he did when the conflict arose and he lied and destroyed the friendship instead of seeking reconciliation as You say we are to always do. Did he show love? No. Did he show joy? No. Peace? No. Patience? No. Kindness? No. Goodness? No. Faithfulness? No. Gentleness? No. Self-control? No. Did I? I tried, but even I may have slipped and failed. But because You do call me to more, I will be the one that takes the initiative to reach out to Tom and personally offer him another chance to come into reconciliation. And I will do it as person to person. If, and only if, we can work things out between the two of us, then, and only then, will I reconsider reconciling with his church. But, I will have to be honest. Based on all of my lessons this year, that church may just have to be history. It is too corrupted. It refuses to embrace special needs even though that comprises the majority of the work that Jesus did on earth. And maybe it is not even the whole of it or the whole of its leadership, but the ones who are corrupt and refuse are the ones who are the most vocal there somehow. And that is wrong for them. Corruption occurs when they stifle honest voices. Corruption occurs when the truth is brought to light and they do everything they can to snuff it out. Corruption occurs when a pastor is given TOO MUCH POWER. And sadly, I was NOT the ONLY one who has been hurt by that church because of that corruption. I have met others who crashed and burned because of them, more specifically, because of the pastor there. Oh, God, examine that church and that pastor. And examine my heart as well as I begin to take the first steps toward reconciliation with Tom. Open his heart to the process. And should he desire a third party, open the door for his wife or a mutual friend to participate in the process. Safe territory being his home. Neutral territory being any place that is not the church. God, one last request, now that the AC has been fixed, please do not let me get sick and please keep those without air conditioning cool. It is going to be a HOT one this week in the Deep South! Thank You, God, for the lessons You are teaching me every day. Keep my heart open to them, no matter how hard they might be at times. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Like a Candle

Isaiah 42:2-3 - He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice. 

Isaiah 54:10 - "For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Romans 8:26 - Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Dear God, I need Your comfort and Your rest. I grow weary right now from many things. Renew me. Thank You for being there and for loving me. God, also comfort the family and close friends of Robin Williams. His death announcement last night was very emotional. Teach people what they need to know when they see the film "The Giver" later this week, which I personally think everyone should do. Jeff Bridges was so choked up when asked about Robin Williams. They said he possibly took his own life. I have not heard much about whether he believed in You, but I hope he did because if he did, then he is now at peace with You instead of hurting and having to battle the monster of depression. His death stands as a reminder of why it is more important now than ever for churches to step up and stop treating mental disorders and other special needs as sins and start actually ministering to people who are struggling with them. There are simply not enough counselors out there. His death stands as a reminder of why it is crucial to remove the barriers and stigmas attached to mental health issues so that people will not be afraid to get the help they need. Men, in particular, tend to believe that needing help is a sign of weakness. I disagree. A man who acknowledges that he needs help and then actually seeks help is showing more strength than a man who doesn't. Because when he does, he is showing that he is honest and open. In this assessment, I see where Tom was a coward because instead of dealing with the conflict as he usually would, he bought lies and spread lies instead of actually talking with me about what happened. When confronted with truth, he took a cop out. But I am called to more. The letter will finally be written this week since I will finally have the time. I saw many people who said Robin Williams took the coward's way out. No, he didn't. He did the last thing he thought was the only option left. His death reminds me of what that pastor's family went through last year with their son. I started to call depression a demon, but quickly changed it to monster for a reason. Calling it a demon is the reason churches have failed when it comes to the special needs ministry arena. Too many churches call the special needs and mental illnesses demons and say, "Well, we can pray over them and pray with them and they will be healed of it." STOP!!!! Churches are doing more damage when they do that than if they just actually minister to and with the people who are challenged and blessed by them. And I am one of the people who was damaged because of the existence of that mentality in a church that was supposed to be safe from abuse and bullying, but ended up being so corrupt that I suffered from abuse and bullying instead. God, how my heart aches because to the extent of having special needs myself and seeing my mom's own struggle with PTSD, I really cannot blame Robin Williams for what he did, if he in fact did take his own life. He will be greatly missed though. He brought us all laughter and tears. "Patch Adams" as the doctor who brought comedy to his patients. "Jack" as the boy who grew into a man too fast. "Aladdin" as Genie. "Mrs. Doubtfire" as a nanny because he just wanted to be able to see his children and be a good dad to them. "Dead Poets Society" as the teacher who made an impact on his students. And many other unforgettable roles. Oh, how how we will be sorely missed. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Sticks and Stones

Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 

James 1:19-20 - Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires.

Dear God, Help me as I prepare myself to write the words You gave me for the letter to Tom. Help me to keep it short and simple and also to write it in such a way that he will be willing to respond. Maybe I should just tell him that if he wants to know the truth to reach out to me. Just let him know that what he thinks he knows is not what really happened. Tell him briefly the truth. And nothing but the truth. Give him the window to come through for the rest. Offer him the chance to receive forgiveness. His actions were louder than his words. His actions broke my spirit. His actions were hateful. His actions didn't jive with what a Christian should do or even what a Christian is called to do. But I know his actions also didn't line up with how he acted toward me before the conflict arose either. And that is why I have hope that if I write the letter, he will do the right thing and the conversation that needed to happen will happen. Better months later than immediate because at least by now, both of us should have had time to cool off. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Actually, words can be more damaging to the soul. I still carry scars from all the times when damaging words were spoken. Mikki - "If you cannot focus, then maybe you shouldn't come to church at all." Way to infer that my ADHD and my ASD should be used as an excuse for the church to discriminate against me. Tom - "Our attempts to mainstream her have been ineffective." Yeah, because they were not attempts to mainstream. They gave me a document and asked me to sign to allow them to continue to abuse me and discriminate against me! Tom - "We approached things in the wrong way. We were wrong." That was really the best thing and the most accurate thing that Tom said about all of what had happened. That is why I know in my heart that if I give Tom a second chance to come through, he most likely will. Because there is a man in there that does still care. He just needs to know that his young friend is willing to give him that second chance he needs if he is willing to ask for forgiveness. God, You really a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth and sixth and so forth. So why shouldn't we be as well, if we are Your children? Matter of fact, if we are Your children, then that is exactly how we should be! The only exception is if it is physically unsafe. And Tom knows that is not the case with me. He knew that when he told me that they claimed I was "dangerous." The only reason that those other men at his church see me as "dangerous" is because I am honest to a fault and for some reason, they feel threatened by the truth. Which does not look good for them. If the truth threatens them so much, then they have a problem with corruption. Just like politicians. Oh! Now I understand what my friend who said she was thinking about changing churches because she felt their church has become too political meant! And she is correct. And that may also need to be written to Tom. Because he needs to know. There is a lot he needs to know. That church is going to destroy him and he needs to know so he can make a wise decision before it does if it hasn't already. In the words of Ryan Pittman when he was sharing his testimony, if the church does not have special needs people involved in every aspect of its ministries, then DON'T! In other words, don't go there. And don't let them. He was right. With autism now having a 1 in 68 diagnosis rate for young children, it is time for churches to change to accommodate both children and adults. Sensory rooms, sensory friendly services, inclusion with assistance, inclusion period. These things can work well for autistics, individuals with Down syndrome, and even neurotypicals who just need to refocus and recenter. Sticks and stones can hurt. But words can hurt even more and the lasting effects can take longer to recover from. Thank You God for another valuable lesson. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Finding Your Passion and Calling

I wish it was easy sometimes to find one's passion and calling in life. The thing is that sometimes I feel like the world is asking me to do something I really cannot do: settle on one thing and do it. What? At 35, I still have not settled on one thing. I love writing and I love teaching and the truth is that I can teach through my writing. Some of you may or may not already know I am in process of writing a book. On living with autism. And at this point it may develop based on a series of interviews that get recorded and transcribed. It will tackle questions answered by me and questions answered by mom. It will include resources and suggestions for churches, schools, and others who encounter those of us whom God has both blessed and challenged with autism, and it will be a resource in general. I have considered becoming an interpreter for the deaf. But don't get me wrong, that will be the hardest thing I strive for in my life. I love music, but I do not want to do a job being paid to do music. It might squelch my passion. I love doing puppets, but again the same fear. I only recently started doing art. I have gone loom band crazy and have already sold several of my first creations to raise money that I will later turn around and donate to autism organizations. But I have come full circle. I want to work with special needs. 

Let me give some of my background. Before I ever got my first diagnosis of anything other than mitral valve prolapse which was only arrived at after I passed out at school during my junior year and had to be rushed to the hospital for testing, the doctors thought I had had a seizure. Well, their medicines didn't help. So finally the doctor landed on testing my heart. And the home monitor showed a definite problem. I went through a lot of home monitoring - brain activity, heart activity. Let's just say that the worst part was having to note when I went number two because apparently that can make your heart go crazy. 

My senior year in high school, I was done with virtually all of my requisite classes and doing one of my classes through video homeschool to get credit for it. I ended up having three open periods but was only allowed one study hall, so I asked if I could be a teacher's aide since I was considering education as my major in college. I was assigned to K4. I loved it! But the teacher had a point of tension. She had a little boy with Down Syndrome in the class who often demanded a lot of attention which kept her on her toes while she tried to teach the others. After a little bit of time, I took a liking to him and desired to do what I could to help the teacher, so I gave him a little but of extra special attention. Sometimes it just meant me sitting in a chair and letting him sit on my lap. And he was happy like that. The other kids were happy that he was happy and the teacher couldn't seem to thank me enough. Later that year, I wrote a poem about him that we presented to his mom. I still remember that boy - Blake. A few years later, in college, I met a guy who was related to Blake and told me he remembered the poem is had written and how touched his family was by it. It really made my day. I do not know what became of Blake. But I still remember how he taught me about love and compassion. Because of Blake, I wanted to work with other special needs people. 

Here's the thing, fast forward to today. I have come full circle. Although it may not be in a classroom teaching special needs children, and although it may not be journalism like I ended up getting my degree in, I have found my true passion and calling. And it is special needs. You see, God has equipped me for it. I have special needs myself. I know what it is like to go through school and college without knowing you have something wrong but yet knowing something about you is different. Or going through life with the wrong diagnosis. Or trying to advocate for yourself only to hit brick walls (ignorance). And the thing is, it happens everywhere. Churches, schools, jobs, even programs designed to work with special needs people. Shocker on that last one, but for the sake of learning to better advocate for myself, I will withhold more specific information about that aspect. 

I have been through a rather long weekend that began yesterday. And it started on a sour note. Or rather I should say, a stinging note? I had to go the endocrinologist and on the way out the door, a wasp got caught between me and the storm door. Well, I got my first ever wasp sting. And let's just say I would rather relive appendicitis than go through what I went through. In that moment after it happened, my mom described what was the worst and most frightening meltdown she had ever seen. It was a look of pain and panic all at once. Pain because my arm had just been stung and was really hurting. Panic because my arm swelled up and we didn't know how my body would respond to the sting. Mom said if we had been outside when it occurred that I would have possibly bolted down the street trying to get away from the wasp and her worst fear might have come to pass. And yes, I do have a feeling she may be contacting the local sheriff about getting a tracking bracelet on me as a preventive measure. We instantly began treatment with Benadryl and some solutions to calm the sting. Ice for swelling. Tylenol for fever that developed overnight. Hydrocortisone for itching. We did go to the clinic after everything was wrapped up. No stinger left behind. Localized reaction. The doctor assured us that subsequent wasp stings should not be any worse. But a reaction is still a reaction and when you have history, it is always best to get checked out. I will make a confession. I am now terrified of going out of the doors anywhere for fear of a wasp lurking about waiting for its next victim. We spent a lot of time when we got back home with me cooped up inside while mom went around the doors and the windows spraying all the wasp nests that were found. Some of them had eggs. Not good. And I am so ready to paint the overhangs sky blue just to see if it will actually reduce the population. 

After the endocrinologist, we went for a free meal for cow appreciation day. Then from there went straight to what I will say was a life changing event for me. I feel more empowered now. And I feel more ready. I am starting a family social and support group for individuals and families touched by special needs. And even ones who aren't because we need all the support we can get. I got to network with others who are leading groups in other parts of the state. I got to know a few of the resources out there. And I feel like I have more direction. Now if only we can work on creating a job that pays me for the passion I have rediscovered, right? I am entering the world of becoming a resource person for churches and schools so when they have a family with special needs come along, I can help them as much as I can or even direct them to more appropriate sources. So now there is my passion or point B. Here I am at point A. And I now need to know how to get from point A to point B so I don't just run around in circles chasing my tail. 

I learned something completely by mistake though. Fire alarms in ginormous hotels are not good things. How do they get disabled people down the stairs? I have to make a point to seek more input on this matter. 

Anyway, I say all of this to encourage others out there who may also be struggling to find that passion and calling in their own lives. Oh, and don't be afraid if in the time you are seeking it, you don't have a job. You shouldn't just settle on a job just because it pays money. You shouldn't have to anyway. Keep your head up and keep praying for God to grant you wisdom and guide you down your path. He will. And ultimately, don't be afraid to take baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Oh, if you feel like I have just described, feel free to leave a comment below so people who read this can pray for you. And so I can also pray for you.

Live in My Light

Isaiah 61:10 - I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

John 8:12 - Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

I John 1:7 - But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

I John 1:7 (CEV) - But if we live in the light, as God does, we share in life with each other. And the blood of his Son Jesus washes all our sins away.

Dear God, I appreciate Your forgiveness and love and mercy. What I don't appreciate is the fact that Tom and his church treated my autism as though it was a sin and punished me for having it. And that Tom got away with lying about what happened and spreading those lies around and using them against to hurt me. Fellowship with one another. Share in life with each other. Yet so many people just like me do not get to enjoy fellowship with others because of the exact same thing that happened to me. With regard to that, what do I need to ask forgiveness for? What do I need to confess? I was made to feel shame and guilt for something that I really have no control over. You created me to have autism. You chose me to have autism. You did it for a reason which has started to come to light these past few days. The hatred Tom and his church acted with because of the autism, that is what needs correcting. Still gathering my thoughts for the letter I must send. It has been hard and challenging as just last week I got sidelined with an inflamed muscle that only just started settling down. My arm is no longer inflamed. But the therapies are starting to intensify. Life is starting to intensify. At a time when most people get to relax and start heading for vacations, I am gearing up for what will hopefully become the biggest collaboration in the two county area in which I live, inviting churches of different denominations to be a part of something that is bigger than themselves to help come along side of and send people who may be hungry for a family social and support group just for those who are touched by special needs. And I know that some churches may end up just ignoring it, but others will embrace it. And those that embrace it may end up adopting people like me. Which would be awesome. Those that don't? I feel sad for them that they are missing out on really experiencing You and what You intended for them. God, take whatever negative stones I am carrying though and exchange them with me for whatever positive gifts You have for me. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Puzzle Pieces

Psalm 73:23-24 - Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Dear God, puzzle pieces. The theme of puzzle pieces seems to be more clear every day. A puzzle piece represents autism. Life can be a puzzle. People are like puzzle pieces. Each and every person belongs in a giant puzzle. And that puzzle cannot ever be complete until each and every person belongs. If even one piece is missing, the puzzle is no good, as it is incomplete. Churches are like puzzles with a lot of puzzle pieces. If a church excludes even just one person, they have an incomplete puzzle. Many families challenged or blessed with special needs are left out of churches as churches either exclude them or bully them. It isn't right. Some people dislike the puzzle piece representation of autism because they feel it represents mystery and they do not feel there is a mystery anymore. But I like the puzzle piece representation because I recognize that the puzzle piece represents how each and every person is a part of a bigger puzzle and every piece is just as important as the next to finish or complete the puzzle. If your puzzle has 1,000 pieces and even just ONE piece is missing, then the puzzle is incomplete and you are going to do everything you can to find that missing piece. Just yesterday, this analogy took new meaning as someone came on an autism support page and immediately began spewing hatred and bitterness in an effort to divide the community. She asserted she has a 12-year-old with autism so severe that he requires 24/7 care and then tried to assert that anyone with more mild forms of autism are less deserving if services or less disabled or that their condition doesn't exist at all. Autism is called a spectrum disorder for a reason. I see it more like how no two people with cancer are the same with their symptoms. They have similar markers, but the similarities disappear after that. Or autism is like a rainbow. A rainbow consists of seven main colors, but as one color band goes to the next color band, you see a blending of the different shades of that one color. No two are the exact same. That woman then attacked me, which of course warranted a block on her. But I also ended up making new friends through what happened. No one can say I don't have something that after years of observation, someone finally got me to the right expert and determined I have. Even brain imaging can prove I have it. And that is what matters the most. It saddens me though because as long as the attitude that woman had exists, I will never belong and never fit in. There will never be enough support services for people like me when it comes to finding safe churches or safe jobs or safe schools. And that is sad. So God, today, a lesson about life being like a puzzle and You having all the pieces that you are fitting together is a great lesson. I only hope that certain people from a certain church reads this and starts to feel You move and maybe they will reach out to me. Thank You for my reminder about puzzle pieces. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Take Up Your Shield

Ephesians 6:10-20 - Finally, be strong in The Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in ipening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.

Ephesians 6:16 - In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

James 4:7-8 - Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Revelation 12:10-12 - And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, "Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death. Therefore, rejoice, O heavens and you who dwell in them! But owe to you, O earth and sea, for the devil has come down to you in great wrath, because he knows that his time is short!"

Dear God, Based on what I am reading today about what Satan's arrows of lies are, I am saddened to realize that some of those lies that I had to endure hearing actually came from the very people who were assigned to work with me at Tom's church. And that I did tell him about the injuries that were inflicted upon me as a result of them and yet he did nothing but try to accuse me of misunderstanding them. But Ginny, who I miss greatly, saw through them and saw the hurt and heard the pain and even felt it and she was moved with compassion for me. She tried to turn things around. Mikki's words still hurt me today as do Mark's, and I will never be able to truly recover from them, especially not after what Tom did and the way he did it. God, move through my heart today as I start the process of the letter to be mailed. And move in Tom's heart as well. Mikki and Mark both used the diagnosis of the autism against me. They belittled me and they used it as an excuse to exclude me, when what they should have done is used the knowledge of it to find out more about why I am the way I am and how they could more effectually minister to and with me and include me. "You can't do this activity because you have autism and to might happen and this and that and this and that." Baloney sandwiches. I have autism and I CAN do everything that my peers can do except that I might need a little bit of help along the way and some mentoring and I might need an escape and a safe room to go to when I do need it. I have autism and I CAN do it. I may need to go through therapy to desensitize me. I may even need to use a device to help me communicate better. I may need to run letters and e-mails and other things I need to say through some people who can serve as filters before I can say them, but I CAN. I can do choir because I love music and music gives me a voice. I can do puppetry because puppetry gives me a voice without putting me in the spotlight. I can play music because, again, it gives me a tool for communicating. I can write because writing is my voice. I can paint now because I am less afraid of the texture, and it gives me a way to show the world how I see it. I think in pictures. Right now, we are concerned because the hearing aids I need will cost a lot of money, but I need them so I can hear the world again. My exhaustion is literally from having to work TOO hard at what I need to do in order to do what I need to do. My body and my brain can no longer handle things. It comes to being able to work efficiently, not harder. I have autism and I CAN. That care team, particularly Mark and Mikki! should have worked toward the I can rather than the I can't. They should have strived for inclusion rather than exclusion. "Whatsoever you do to the least of these, you do to Me." (Matthew 25:31-46) "For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ... On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together." (I Corinthians 12:12-31) A church that does not act as a body may not be a church at all. And on the case of Tom's church, I can see where it forgot that it is a body and that all people who come through it and become a part of it are equal and deserve to be treated equally. If one member messes up and gets to go through the Matthew 18 process toward reconciliation, then every member should have that same opportunity. But I never got that and when Tom screwed up, I was not given that chance, but rather they violated their own document that they kept insisting I sign before they would even consider making the corrections that are needed before I could sign it. But the thing is, if no other person has to sign something before they can attend church there in terms of that same kind of document they drew up that outright excludes me from everything that the church hinges on, then why should I have to? Because what that document would do, if signed, is give them permission to abuse me. As it is, they took the lack of a signature and abused me anyway. They destroyed things with Tom after he had reassured me that we could remain friends after I severed membership. And even though Tom had the responsibility of acting in accordance with Matthew 18 with regard to our conflict, he did not. He was irresponsible and he crushed my spirit. And now I am being called to more and being stretched by being called and pulled to write a letter that may or may not even get read to extend grace to Tom and give him a chance to make things right with him and me or at least talk with me and give me the closure I still need. As to his church, maybe I won't bother because they are not a church. They are a disorganized group of bullies who abuse people who have autism and other special needs. Their leaders are arrogant and corrupt. I wonder if they are republican? Lack compassion for the least of these? Check. Say one thing but do another? Check. Biblically bankrupt? Check. Yep. Sounds republican. Not to offend, but there is just too much I now have to ask myself in all of this as the distance and the time have led to a lot of things including the capacity to think for myself and reason things through. Can I extend grace to Tom as an individual and his wife and invite them into a conversation that if nothing else will give me much needed closure? Yes. Can I extend grace to his church and invite them into conversation for the same reason? Yes. Will there be enough grace to give them another chance even if they did meet with me and amend things and present a new document? I don't know. Because they don't deserve it. Will there be enough grace should we say, okay, it will not work out with me, but what can be done for the future consultation? Yes. If Jesus spent the greatest part of the three years of ministry that are recorded on the Bible ministering to people like me the most, then churches need to model that. The greatest number of people who are unchurched in America are those who are challenged and blessed by special needs family members. And 90 percent of special needs families are unchurched. That is a lot. So, back to Satan's lies. Tom believed lies and it got to him. I believed lies and it got to me. God, equip me so I can hear Your truth and not the lies. Thank Hou. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Even When You Don't Understand

Isaiah 6:3 - And one called to another said: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory."

II Corinthians 5:7 - for we walk by faith, not by sight.

I Thessalonians 5:18 - give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Hebrews 13:8 - Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Dear God, I don't understand. A lot. I don't understand why a church that claims to practice grace would resort to bullying and abuse and excluding someone as soon as they learn the person has autism. I don't understand why they would think the autism is an excuse for them to not do the very things they claim to practice and believe. I don't understand how or. Tom acted so hurtful and mean toward me instead of acting like a Christian and working toward conflict resolution with me. Instead, he lied about what happened and he spread those lies and he cause permanent and irreparable harm for me and to me and my family. As a result of what he did, I no longer want anything to do with any church ever again. Not until safety nets exist that churches will legally be obligated to follow when it comes to special needs children and adults where if they abuse or bully any of them, they will face legal repercussions. But if safety nets had existed to start with then they would not have been able to abuse or bully me to start with. Their leadership did wrong and yet I got punished for it. And that is not fair nor appropriate. That is corruptive. And their higher authority is just as corruptive. The PCA denomination is corrupted at this point and it makes me sad to see. It should make most people sad, but I fear they are becoming brainwashed by their own selfish greed. Hmmm.... Sounds like that nasty tea party has crept into the churches too. A millennial with special needs is speaking out now. Things better change on accordance with Matthew 25:31-46 or things will continue to fall apart in the churches. Okay, God, yes, in a way, I have just issued a complaint, but I know I cannot make it better, not without Your help. Bring about conversation though. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Understand You Completely

Joshua 1:5 - No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.

Psalm 139:1-4 - O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

II Corinthians 1:21-22 - And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee (down payment).

Dear God, As much as I appreciate the fact that You understand me completely and will never leave me and will always love me no matter what because You have unconditional grace, it would be great if churches would be more understanding and would demonstrate Your love and Your grace. To have a pastor (Tom) do what he did the way he did it and to have a church leadership full of bullies and abuse and corruption? Well, none of them demonstrated or evidenced Your character. And to do that because of ignorance and hatred of people with special needs? Well, it hurts. Okay? But it would also help if I had a friend, a REAL friend, that would love me and understand me and demonstrate Your same kind of love and grace, a human friend that I can turn to when I need one. Tom claimed to be a friend, but then he turned on me when I most needed grace from him. He kicked me when I already down. He crushed my spirit. And he made me not ever want to have anything to do with You again. No more church for me ever again. Not until You draw him into conversation with me. Not until You open his church to accept me for me with no stupid documents or with a document that does not subject itself to being abused like they already have shown it does. Until that time comes, no more church for me ever again because in my heart, I know that that church IS the ONLY one for me. Which is why I have never been happier except when I was there. But Tom crushed me. And he hasn't repented of it. He hasn't demonstrated forgiveness toward me nor asked for forgiveness for his part. And until he does, there is no hope for me. God, I know You know my heart and my heart's desire, and I know You know my heart is right and good and in line with what You want for me. Make the way. Bring the conversation with Tom AND with his church leadership. Because, in that, healing can begin. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North (YouTube)

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

So we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up

Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you key your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hide

Can come crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide but you find

That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight

This coming light

Let this blood come cover us

His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts 

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North (YouTube)

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love."

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But them she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel, 

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

Dear God, I am more than autism. Autism is forever a part of me. Autism can be both good and bad, just like regular people have good and bad days or times. I am gifted. I am smart. I am Yours. I am Your child, Your daughter, and You want me more than I tend to want You. Open the eyes and the minds and the hearts of Tom, Bob, and whoever else there to see that. Bring the conversation that will let the healing begin. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Identity Crisis

It has been almost two years since I was referred for an evaluation for autism and was diagnosed. I was a little over 33 years and one month in age. 

During that time I was working with what I felt at that time had to be the worst group of people filled with the most hate possible. And I felt like church people were just cruel and heartless. I all but, and almost did, lose faith in God. 

I am not going to rehash anything though. But it did seem very unfair. Well, to be honest, there was a lot of unfairness in what I experienced. Diagnosed in December. Got told repeatedly I couldn't do certain things because I have autism and fill-in-the-blank with whatever misconception of autism is in existence. 

It was three or four months before I was finally connected and sent for ABA therapy. And I was only in therapy for four months when I got a fatalistic document. 

Three more months fighting the unfairness and I gave up and left. 

My friend didn't want me to go, but he let me. He knew I had to do it. He knew I was hurting and as much as he didn't want me to go, he knew that at that moment, it was what was in my best interest.

Now believe me, I gave him plenty of reason to give up on me, but he didn't. I praise him for his stubbornness. Why? Because if he hadn't been so stubborn, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So let me tell you what I have done in the ten months since leaving. 

1. I tried another church that has extensive special needs support for adults. 

2. I continued in ABA therapy.

3. I continued in a social group through Voc Rehab. 

4. I began to come out of my shell and make some friends. And I even began to develop a crush on someone. 

5. I began smiling almost endlessly. And have yet to find a person who doesn't instantaneously fall in love with me as a result. 

6. I decided I didn't need extensive special needs support. Just having a point person within the church who understands autism is enough and having friends in group activities and partners in service activities is enough. And that's true.

7. I began speech therapy. And now I have more confidence.

8. I missed a lot of church because of illness and because I simply didn't like it. 9. I started doing social outings outside of an official group and will pick up again after court.

10. I visited another church. It felt more like a concert than a worship service. I don't know why people like it. I hated it. It felt like torture.

11. I visited another church. I almost liked it until I learned that because I don't know exactly when I was converted and therefore may not have been baptized by immersion after conversion that I might have to be rebaptized. No thank you. But it's not fair to me to try to pursue it if that's going to be the sticking point.

12. I went back to the place I left. My heart never left it anyway because all my friends I already have are there. 

13. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and self-exploration during this time.

14. I have developed more artistically. With the help of another beautiful friend. She helped me do a pre-wedding collage piece for my friend and revamp an old drabby three legged table converting it to a beautiful four legged table just the right size for a precious granddaughter of my friend. I am no longer afraid of paint getting on my hands, although if it's on there too long, I will start to meltdown. And I still won't touch raw dough or raw meat. And sticky mess is enough to send me for a tailspin as is a ticking clock.

15. I have less meltdowns and the meltdowns I do still have are becoming less self-injurious in nature. 

16. I am lashing out less. I had to work on an emotional color wheel assigning colors to emotions. I hated it. But I found it to be a good start. So now I do a chart. I write, "I feel...," assign colors and words to what I feel, and then state why I feel it. Then I go to the person who led me to feel that way. The chart helps me process so I don't lash out as often. 

17. I have more confidence now.

18. I am also hugging more people because I want to. Although I will pull back if it's not someone I feel safe with.

19. I am still afraid, but I will try anything once. I now like sushi and gluten free paper dosas (Indian). But I don't like wasabi (it burns the nose). 

20. I see the positives more.

All this to say that God is leading me back to where I was and I know that even though I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go, but I am working on it and will continue to do so. 

Thanks in part to my friends, especially stubborn Tom, who through their continual love, time, energy, and grace have exemplified God's character to me and allowed me to see enough of God to help me desire God more. 

So, even though I am really anxious right now over some very grow up issues I never had to worry about before, I am still hoping God will and trusting God to work things out. 

By the way, why did God let me have autism? I don't know. Some days I feel He did it to be cruel, and others I realize God may actually have autism too. PLATYPUS! Either way, God loves me and I love Him; my friends love me and I love them. And my friends have been, are continuing and will continue helping me along the path in life. Tom is my biggest advocate right now. And I thank God for him every day. I also thank God for Janet. And my mom. And my therapists. And even for the mistakes others made with me and the mistakes I made. We can all grow from those mistakes. 

I'm sure Tom and I will have many more discussions regarding church decisions that we have to make so I don't get hurt again and can continue progressing and avoid regression. And that's okay. 

And if that group of people is reading this? I love you. And I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me too. 

Friday Thoughts

So my friend Tom is leaving for about two weeks and this is going to be a really trying time for me as we haven't gone that long without communicating since things transitioned in January. I don't know if he understands how much this is going to test me and how much he will be missed.

I have a job interview Monday afternoon. 

Social group graduation on the 21st.

Oncologist on the 16th.

I want to speak from the heart now.

Ever since I started writing because of what happened and the conflict that started me writing, it was because people wouldn't let me have a voice in things. They blamed me even though the start of the conflict really was not my fault. Not when you fully assess what started it. 

And although maybe when I look back, I could have done things differently in terms of my response, but I honestly did not have the tools I have now. However, neither do I feel like the other parties truly acted with the grace they spoke so much about. 

I honestly do not believe that anyone fully understands grace until they are at a point in which they are forced to seek it out and happen to find the one or two people who consistently demonstrate it to them. For me, Tom has been THE main person who has done exactly that.

Tom has seen me through the worst of times and now some of the best of times. Yet he has not once abandoned me even when he has probably had every reason to do so. Because of his example, I can now see where God can handle whatever I throw at Him and yet will still be there waiting for me at the end of it all. 

But I also want to say that I will never be anything but honest. Yet I do feel like there may be others who have been less than honest with me and things are starting to unravel as a result. It is frustrating at best. I am asked to be honest, yet they are not being honest with me. And it hurts. 

I have a hard enough with trusting people, with trust in general, and this does not help. All I have ever wanted is the truth. And I have given them every chance I can to be honest with me. They still have that chance even now. Why? Because of grace. 

I am going to write a few letters over the summer to a few of them because I feel it would be the most appropriate thing I can and should do because I need to get some things off my shoulders if I want to heal from the hurt that was inflicted on me by their actions. And maybe by my taking this first step, they will respond in kind. 

Who knows? But surely it cannot hurt to try. Especially since Tom can attest to the growth I have had these last few months. 

I will never be perfect. Neither will they. But there are things that we all could have done better to better preserve the dignity and the respect and the integrity and the peace and the purity of each other and of the church. 

It will not presently change anything. Not as long as their man made document exists. Because I still feel it is unbiblical. And honestly, they just do not have the necessary resources in place to integrate people, particularly adults, with special needs right now and until they do, it is not the safest place. But who knows? Maybe one day, with Tom's compassion and firsthand experience, and the fervent prayers and strategic mobilization efforts of others, they will. And as Tom and I talked about one time, he'll have the honor of saying, "I told you so" to the others because of God's ironic plans. 

My heart remains with my friends, but I have to move forward right now and I have to heal, so for the season, I have to be in a different church where resources are already in place. 

I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Because I cannot clarify things with Tom until after he's back and I don't need it weighing me down on top of the fact I'm already missing him! 

Prayer

I can't read my devotionals right now and I can't write what I learn. Hopefully I'll get time to do so this weekend. Right now my heart really aches for Heaven. As I join with many others whom Congress forgot they work for just to protect their pockets (they love money too much which is the root of evil), we, the least of these, cry out. Will the children with special needs still have services Monday? Will the disabled like myself ever have their day to fight for their disability because they received a letter declaring they couldn't work the jobs they had before because of their disabling conditions? Will they even still have a house when that day might finally come? Will they have food to eat tomorrow? Will they have access to services like voc rehab as they fight their disabling conditions to try to get ready to get a job that just simply doesn't exist for them because no one wants to hire someone who has medical conditions that cannot be insured until next year? What about the veterans like my mother who may not even have a job or access to much needed health services? What about everyone with mental health issues, asthma, allergies, immune deficiencies? Without the grants many of the doctors get now, some people, like me, may not be able to receive essential care. Why? Because of greedy politicians who forgot that the tax system was originally designed so that the more money a person earned, the more they paid in. Jesus said that how you treat the least of these is how you treat Him. The problem? Apparently no one has respect for Jesus anymore. They just threw Him out on the street, cold, naked, wounded, hungry, thirsty. And they left Him. To die. Here Jesus. I don't have much either but you can have some of what I do have. Where are the churches now? Will they finally step up to the plate as millions right here at home need them now more than ever? The churches I know of emphasize global missions for an entire week, yet home missions gets all of one day. ONE day! Why? If churches really wanted to equip people to go out and serve, it seems they would be in the business of home missions for more than just one day? But are they? I'm scared tonight. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared that there really is no church in my area that will ever accept and include adults with special needs. I'm scared that Tom is not really my friend even though he says he is. Because he and I have not had in person time in three months and will we ever? Or is it a dying friendship? I hope not but I'm scared. And I'm sick with grief. Too much injustice. You see, they call people who care about the least of these socialists and say there is no place for socialism in America. Sadly, if caring about the least of these makes someone a socialist, then Jesus was a socialist because he cared. But if there's no room for socialism in America, and many of these same people falsely claim that America was founded on Christian beliefs, then what they have basically said is that there is no room for Jesus in America. Oh how my heart aches for Heaven right now.

I Have to Play Catch Up Now I'm Better

Tomorrow will be my catch up post. Being sick is rough! Sinus infection. Severe. Mom said she nearly fainted when they told her how much the medicine was. I said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you it was the expensive medicine and we haven't met the medicine deductible yet!" Oops!! Nearly $200 for 10 pills. And I can't start them until the morning because I need to sleep! The ENT sprayed stuff in my nose and it is helping me feel better already. Smily is back!

By the way, praise God for small miracles and forgiving friends like Tom. Seriously, if I could take him with me everywhere I would! Today I transitioned again. And now I got a book to help me with that transition. My mom got it at her parent group during my social group.

Have to get dog vaccinated. Sadly late due to cost. But definitely have to do it because later this year I have to board my deaf dog and cat with megacolon so I can do a weekend camp/retreat for special needs.

Definitely planning on selling art and maybe looking at doing puppet shows on donations so I can raise money for churches and other organizations to help them establish special needs ministries for adults, particularly adults with autism like me. As soon as I finish piece number two, it will go on semi-public display and anyone who sees it can make an offer on it.

I am feeling God moving me right now. I just don't have all the specific information. I think I'm starting to understand what missionaries go through!

Keep my family in prayers. Keep my friends, especially Tom in prayers. Keep praying for the little boy in south Alabama an for my family and friends who live and work down there.

With a Broken Heart

Why is that always seems that I'm the only one who ever cares? In friendship, it seems I'm the only one who cares to make it work. The other person seems to care less, and then the friendship fails. In church, it seems like I'm the only one who understands that special needs children AND adults are just important as anyone else? God gifted them the same and intended them to serve Him just the same. Yet some churches just don't seem to get that and work ever so much harder to exclude those with special needs essentially pushing them away from church and worse, away from God. Oh dear Tom, you seem to always think I'm being "demanding," but did you ever stop to think that maybe for once it really isn't me who is being demanding but maybe rather that you're just probably not really understanding me? I have tried. But apparently I have failed. But you'd be crazy to let me push you away so easily just because we disagree. However, here's where we have a problem: I asked for boundaries which you didn't want to set then when I tried to insist on adhering so rigidly to the boundary you did set, you said you didn't mean it literally. But you forgot you are dealing with a literal thinker, thanks to the autism. So when you called me demanding-after two days of no responses whatsoever and by virtue of the FIRST boundary today is MY day, it devalued me as a person with feelings. We both need to repent and regroup and talk with each other. And we both need to re-establish with each other what our expectations are. But in the meantime, I mourn the potential loss of my FIRST and ONLY REAL friend. I am sad. I hope we're still friends, but I don't know anymore until and unless you call me again. But sadly, it now shapes up to the only time I have left this week is Friday. I am at a loss on the jar project until then.

I Wish I Was Normal!

It's sad when a church causes someone to feel so hurt that they would speak those words. It's the biggest insult to God.

But sadly, the document they have me was deemed as abusive, discriminating, and bullying.

So now what? I can't stay because I'll be excluded. But I don't want to lose my friends.

I'm not safe where I am now. I never will be until they start practicing Matthew 25.

What they did is wrong. They hurt me and hurt my relationships because of that one document.

"Flagrant disregard for the peace and purity of the church." Because I consulted experts to try to protect everyone from implications caused by the document. But yet they did the same thing to me spreading word about me against me.

I'm being excluded because I have autism.

I'm afraid. Afraid to lose my friends but more afraid to stay. Staying means excluded. Going means I lose my friends.

I'm confused. And I'm hurt.

Dear God, I'm sorry You made me the way You did. I wish I was normal. Because maybe then I wouldn't be excluded. I'm sorry for insulting You. Please forgive me. Amen.

An Open Letter

Dear God,
Today I found out that the very people who were supposed to be "caring" for me and "loving me well" during the past 7-9 months really have been doing nothing but double talk. They have said one thing yet done another. Today I found out that my church will never truly be a church because it will never honor all of Your words. Today I found out that You don't really accept special needs people because the church is supposed to be a reflection of you and does not accept special needs people. Today I found out that my church does not really believe or practice biblical restoration of relationships and will not ever as they refuse to allow me to have restoration with my pastor. Today I found out that the past 7-9 months have essentially been a waste of time, energy and effort as today I found out that no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be accepted there and the very people who called themselves a team are not going to help any. Today I have evidence of betrayal. Today I have seen that I cannot trust anyone, not even You. Today what was left of my already broken and fragile heart shattered completely and finally. I tried. I failed. IF the intent of the people calling themselves a team was to PUSH me FURTHER AWAY FROM You, then they have succeeded. I'm sorry God. I tried.
Sincerely,
SES