Don't Judge Me By What You See!

When you look at me, can you see anything wrong with me?

Can you tell that I have mitral valve prolapse, asthma, allergies, immune deficiency, gluten intolerance, ADHD, autism, and hearing loss in one ear? 

Can you tell that I lived through abuse and overcame being bullied?

Can you tell that I am anxious? That I missed my friend Tom because he was gone? That I have a crush on someone? That I am scared of being rejected by another church? 

Can you tell I love music, films, puppetry, dolphins, sign language, and painting? That I play many instruments? That I have a Deaf dog? That I have a cat with megacolon? Can you tell that I am worried about whether my mom will have a new job before next month is over and whether I will ever be able to hold a job at all?

Can you tell I am waiting on the results of IgGs to determine if I can be put on life-saving IVIG? 

Can you tell I had my appendix, gall bladder, and tonsils and adenoids removed or two sets of ear tubes?

Can you tell I have a speech disorder? That I worry about how my family will be able to afford therapy for it and autism and the technology we need to help me with my challenges? That I worry about how we can afford my new backup glasses next month and the dental work I still need? 

Can you tell that I feel scared, anxious, and glad about God?

Can you tell this from looking at me?

How?

I am so behind but I have two days to catch up. But I want to pose this question and I welcome any comments in answer.

I am anxious. Because of some information that came to light Monday regarding where my heart is right now. I do not know if reconciliation/restoration or even closure will be able to happen.

But while I am anxious and have many thoughts and questions in my head, I am also feeling that weird calm again. The one that is induced by having seen a consistency with a friend even during a transitional time for me and seeing how he has been consistent with grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and compassion and continues to pursue my friendship. Calm induced by excited anticipation that soon we may get to have some real quality time in person.

I want to say something though. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. In that, I am normal. But I would not desire a magic pill to make my autism go away. Not ever. Because God chose me. And because God chose me, He already knew certain things had to happen. He chose Tom to become a very dear friend to me and with me. He knew Tom could handle things with me because Tom has a big heart. He chose that I would need a few months of non-membership so I could examine my own heart and life and learn some things to prepare for what may lie ahead. And regardless of outcomes, He knows what He's doing even if I don't.

Although grant it, right now I'd be happier if everything were already sorted out.

Oh, and sweat major, but God knew we'd end up with another mouse in the house that I'm beginning to wonder if it might actually be a kangaroo because there is some major noise in the quiet of my house right now!! I'm wishing I had a baseball bat.

So with that note, I'm going to end this post. ILY!!

Second Month Days 3 and 4

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Are you worried or anxious? What are you focusing on? Today is a gift from God and He already knows what will happen! Take a breath and refocus on God.

Do you have self-doubt? Do you feel like you're just not good enough or that no one cares? Stop comparing yourself to others! God made you the way He wanted you! Don't worry about what others think. Walk with God.

Dear God, I AM worried! I am worried about Tom and about not getting to talk to my friend. I am worried about not getting to see him ever again because of BUSY-ness. I am worried that he is TOO busy. I am worried about finances. Will we have enough to make it through another month of bills and doctors? Thank You God for creating me how YOU wanted me to be. Autism explains me, but it doesn't define me. The people who can look past the autism and see me as You made me and love me for who I am, who I was created to be, are the ones who point me back to You when I lose focus-people like Tom and my mom. The ones who try to change me or focus on my autism but fail to see me and love me for who I am, for who You created me to be, are not worth trying to compete with. Forgive me for getting so frustrated that I say I wish I didn't have autism or that I hate how You made me. Refocus my eyes, my heart on You. Help me. Refocus each of our eyes and hearts so we can rest in the peace that You are in control of everything, all the way from how our white blood cells work to how a missions conference will go. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

By the way, God, I love Your humor. Wal-mart has two piece swimsuits on sale now (before Valentine's Day), and in Alabama, we will surely have one last cold snap the first weekend in April. Hehe.