Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Dear God, everything that happened between Tom and me was over mistakes. Although we cannot undo the mistakes that occurred, I can trust You to bring things together for good. In other words, reconciliation and restoration is still something that can happen when he is ready. It is not a lost cause and it is not a lost hope. Matter of fact, right now, I put the past into Your hands. I will not look back. I will ahead at what You will do to bring about the good. No one can undo the past no matter how hard they try. Thank You for loving me enough to work things together for good. Thank You for hearing me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

God Loves You for Who You Are

John 10:4 - "When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice." 

Ephesians 4:1-6 - I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit–just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call–one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. 

Dear God, I want to thank You for when Ginny had me read You Are Special by Max Lucado. Although at the time I did not see it, this event ties into the message presented in today's devotional passage. You love me for who I am, not for what I do. In the silences, many voices try to fight to control my mind. I am to fight to discern Your voice from that of others. When Mikki and Mark kept trying to force me to change into something I am not, it really hurt and made me question who I am. Am I supposed to change because someone else demands it in order to fit their idea of perfect or am I to change because You want it and have brought me into the change? In today's passage You said we are to be humble and gentle and patient and bear with one another in love. Did Tom do that? No. When the moment required it, he failed to do that. I am saddened by what he did. I am still hopeful that You will allow restoration or reconciliation. And I am trusting that You will when the time is right. Why? Because Tom, like Ginny, did see the real me. And like Ginny, he did accept it. He just gave in to negative peer pressure. But I also know now that Ginny was right. She was tired of fighting the others to get them to see where they were hurting me more than helping me. And I was tired of her having to fight that fight for me. She has her own daughter she will have to fight for because of their own journey with special needs. I pray Ginny and I will be able to reunite sometime because if we ever do, I will have to say a huge thank you to her for teaching me that You really do love me for me just the way I am. Thank You God for perfect love! In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Do Not Conform to the World

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

Romans 12:2 (NIV) - Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you be able to test and approve what God's will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

Dear God, I want to have an ever increasing attentiveness to Your presence. I need my mind recharged and refreshed and renewed each and every night and day. While the world may want to make me exactly like everyone else, You did not create me to be exactly like everyone else. You created me to be my own person in You and to follow my own path after You. You created me, autism and all, with a purpose, and no one can change that no matter how hard they might want to try. It will take me a long time to recover from the abuses I went through at Oak Mountain, but I trusted You and took a first step and offered Tom forgiveness and trust You that You will work in his heart to bring about restoration and reconciliation. In today's America, we have a group of people calling themselves Christians but trashing on the president, trashing on the poor, and trashing on anyone who is not white, is not perfect, is differently abled. It is disgusting that they dare do these things while claiming to be Christians. Your words are very clear with respect to the president, the poor, and the differently abled. Your word is very clear with respect to how we are to treat fellow human beings. To do anything else is not Your will. Thank You for renewing my mind everyday and creating me in such a way that being different is actually cool! In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Words of Grace

John 7:38 - "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" 

Ephesians 5:18-21 - And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Philippians 4:5-7 - Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dear God, when Tom acted unreasonably toward me and became hateful and began believing lies and spreading lies, I thought there was no way I could ever forgive him for the pain he caused. He acted in a way that was up characteristic of him and not at all what I know he is able to be. But God, You are growing me. Tom may have had some unrealistic expectations of me and I of him. If he asks for forgiveness, he will have it. If he does decide to refriend me on Facebook as evidence of his forgiveness toward me, I will accept it. Because that is what a real friend does. That is what a real friend who has put God at the center of the relationship does. It is about grace. It is also about mercy and love and reverence. My heart is overflowing with You right now and I ask You to allow me to share it with Tom and with whoever else encounters me. Now does that mean that I will always be perfect in demonstrating You to others? No. And the crazy thing is that I have also learned that Jesus sometimes had a hot temper as well. And was brutally honest. Please open that door for reconciliation and restoration with Tom. Thank You, God. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Choices, Choices

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

John 8:29 - "And he who sent me is with me. He has not left me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to him."

Hebrews 11:5-6 - By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Dear God, I want to please You in everything I do even as I write my letter to Tom offering forgiveness and an open door to reconciliation and restoration. I want to concentrate on pleasing You more than pleasing others even if pleasing You might take me down an unpopular path in life. Thank You, God. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Watch to See What I Will Do

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Dear God, I am glad that You often forgive and overlook and use the mistakes in life. And You actually let people make mistakes yet never stop loving them. First mistake with Tom and he turned into an ugly, hateful monster who didn't follow Your command to seek peace and restoration. First mistake with his church and they never let go of it and never showed the grace they claim to practice. And for what is worth, autism is not a mistake and neither am I. They degraded and devalued me as a person. They made mistakes yet they failed to own up to them and they blamed me for their mistakes. God, You are gracious and loving and forgiving and just and merciful and wise. You care about me. You would never hurt me like Tom did. And I know You want for Tom and I to talk. I know You want me to write that letter and offer him the grace You have given me and give him that chance. And I know You want me to offer his counterparts the same opportunity. Thank You for Your loving kindness. In Jesus' Name, Amen! 

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North (YouTube)

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here? 

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love."

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you? 

Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems that you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel, 

But He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You've been remade

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

Empty Hands and an Open Heart

Isaiah 40:28-31 - Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the. Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not grow faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 

John 17:20-23 - "I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me." 

Disclaimer: I have no actual understanding of what any of the John 17 passage is saying right now. Best summary is that Jesus is saying that just as the Father is in Him and He is in the Father, that He desires that those who believe in Him will have the same kind of belonging to the Father as He does. I welcome any comments on this though.

Dear God, You ask that I come to You and accept Your love and friendship with me. Why would You be a friend to me when I am apparently so undeserving and so undesirable? Tom said he was my friend and then when grace was most needed, he believed some lies, spread them, and shattered everything and crushed my spirit. He cannot be a Christian. He has not shown the marks of a true Christian. He has made no effort to seek peace or restoration with me. God, in light of that, how can I trust that You really are a friend? Belonging? Oh how I wish! But God, as much as I want to belong, when churches abuse and bully those who have autism or any other kind of special needs, they make the world unsafe for us. The onus is on them in the end because if they are a church that does such heinous acts, then they are not following You to start with since You and Jesus have such compassion for the least of these and Jesus refers to anyone who does not treat them well as goats. Hmmm.... That would mean that Tom is a goat herder, not a shepherd. Even if he was a shepherd, the fact that he threw a sheep off the cliff just because it was crippled was wrong in itself. Heaven will rejoice all the more when he does finally come to his senses and seek peace and restoration with me. Belonging? The tea party doesn't think anyone who is not rich or healthy belongs in America now. They claim to be "patriots," but they are willing to cut veteran's healthcare and throw their fellow Americans off a cliff by starving them and denying them access to healthcare they might need and resources they need to stay afloat. They claim they are only doing what You would have them to do. Well, that is a problem now then, isn't it. Because You would make sure that we have access to medical care if we need it, food, shelter, water, clothing, and most of all, You would still treat us with dignity and respect. So if they are cutting off the least of these and cutting off the social safety nets that help them, then they are clearly not acting in Your name at all. The thing is, an article came out yesterday that the South Carolina governor (republican (most likely tea party extremist)) wants to get rid of public schools because public schools are not in the Bible. Well, neither are private schools. But by that logic, they cannot have guns either because guns were not in the Bible. I learned that whenever anyone tries to impose rules based on something that is not specifically mentioned in the Bible that they are being legalistic which is as sinful as being libertarian. The problem I have with the tea party is that are libertarian. Which means they don't really want to play by the rules of the game. They are trying to create their own rules and pretend like they can just blow off all the rules that have come along since the original constitution. They are fighting a war citing Christianity but they are hellbent on protecting the constitution. So much so that they have become white supremists again. They want their guns and they want America to be all about Christians but no one else. The thing is, if you look at how they define socialism, Jesus is the spitting image of socialism in action. Sarah Palin is an airhead more interested in being able to own a gun to shoot moose than to make sure that the least of these are taken care. She claimed to be in support of veterans having healthcare but the Paul Ryan budget of hate that the GOP passed in congress that will be dead on arrival in the senate due the unnecessity of it and also due to the fact that it again attempts to destroy the ACA which is helping millions of people everywhere now threatens to cut veteran healthcare. Talk about double standard hypocrisy or being uninformed. So yes, God, while I may have belonging when You finally decide to send Jesus back or when You finally decide to bring me home to You, I do not have belonging here on this side of heaven. Because I am apparently not wanted or desired by most churches or by most people. It grieves me when I see a parent of a child with special needs who would not be able to remain insured for long due to all the medical needs vote against her best interest by voting against anyone who supports the ACA. If it were not for the ACA, her child could be dropped or hit a lifetime cap and then what? Her family could lose everything they own. Unless her desired job is one that will secure millions of dollars a year. It also grieves me seeing the parents of children with autism pitting themselves against the adults who have autism. And for that matter, as much as I do not agree with everything that Autism Speaks is about nor TACA (there is no cure for autism, there never will be, there does not need to be, and I do not care what the cause is because I know what the cause is and it is genetic just like ADHD), I support any organization that is raising awareness of autism and providing any resources and information about it. Autism Speaks is more about legislative advocacy than anything else. And if people honestly think that they are suppressing the people with autism from speaking, they really need to think again from the insight of a person with autism. The way I see it is that as long as you are writing on their page, you have a voice. And they may or may not respond to it, but you are speaking. Hence, autism does speak. But the problem is that all these people are so focused on the children (we must help the children who have autism, they need therapy, they need this, they need that) that they forget there are adults with autism who are now floundering and that their children will also become adults who have autism and will end up floundering as well unless something begins now to address the issues that adults with autism face. No job, no churches to minister to and with us, no schools, no community resources like recreation or home living resources or therapy, nothing. And if the adults with autism lack these things now, what kind of future is there for a child with autism who one day become an adult with autism? Not a good one so far. There needs to be a shift in the focus to addressing the problem adults with autism face. At any rate God, this all just goes back to the desire to belong. Bottomline is that I am a young and relatively new believer, a Christian, and I have no place to go to worship with other Christians because a church used the autism as an excuse to exclude me and to abuse me and to bully me and then the one friend I thought I could trust turned on me and has not evidenced that he is even a Christian over something he later claimed was a petty trigger to a meltdown (which he called a tantrum which means that perhaps he lied when he said he understood the autism after all, and a pastor who lies is not a pastor at all). If it was so petty a trigger though, then why would he refuse to seek peace and restoration and work toward biblical conflict resolution? Because of what he did, he brought down not only himself and his own reputation but the reputation of the entire church, not like they hadn't already done a good job of that themselves, especially the new "mercy" pastor. But still. And because of what he did, he brought down ALL churches and not just his own. God, I know that even if things do not get resolved this side of heaven although I pray along with many others that I will at least get answers this side of heaven if nothing else, answers from him, so that I can move forward, I know that You will deal harshly with him when judgment day comes and there is actually a chance that he will not be in heaven because of what he did. I mean those words from Jesus are pretty powerful: "Whatsoever you did to the least of these, you did to me.....Whatsoeevr you didn't do to the least of these, you didn't do to me." Sheep or goat. Which will it be? Thank You though. You are stirring in my heart in a major way. Thank You for wanting to be my friend even if I am not ready for that yet. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Your Amazing Mind

Genesis 1:26-27 - Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Romans 8:6 - To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

Dear God, You created each and every one of us in Your image. That is why when someone, anyone, whether a Christian or not, abuses or bullies or hurts or mistreats someone else in any way, shape, or form, it is an assault on You. So when people disrespect the president, they disrespect You because You created him. When Tom and the leadership at his church abused and bullied me for having autism, they abused You. I gladly trade You any of the not good thoughts that lead to anger, doubt, and rebellion for the love, faith, and peace You offer. That is why I want to exercise a measure of grace beyond my human strength to seek reconciliation and restoration with Tom and maybe even with his church. Stir them for the good things ahead and teach them how to love as You love and show grace as You show grace. When You allowed Your Son to die on that cross, that was a HUGE amount of grace on display, God. And we should all be willing to do just that if called upon to do so. Otherwise, the world will never see Your goodness and Your kindness or experience Your love as today's "Christians" become more resentful and hateful and bitter and selfish. Today's "Chrisitans" are in favor of stripping people of their right to have affordable healthcare via insurance, SNAP so they have food to eat, disability benefits that they need if they are disabled and unable to hold jobs, veteran's healthcare, Medicaid for the poor and the disabled, WIC for the women and their children to have food and basic essentials for the babies they want to force the women to have, and Pell grants which help college age students afford college so they can learn marketable skills in order to hopefully get a job. Instead today's "Christians" are acting out of the LOVE of money which is the root of all evil. They have forgotten You and. Your Words in favor of "protecting the Constituiton." Wait a minute. The Tea Party extremists of the Republican Party are more interested in protecting the Constitution than in protecting and defending Your Word while they claim to be Christians? That is what is wrong with them! They have misplaced the priority. NOTHING IS MORE VALUABLE AND DESERVING OF PROTECTION THAN YOUR WORD-THE BIBLE. The Bible is a roadmap for life, an instruction manual for life. It was written by You through the hands of men whom You breathed Your words through. The Constitution was written by men as well, but it was not Your doing. Thank You God for giving me a mind that can think and reason. While I do not know what my furbabies think, and I know they do, I am appreciative of the stretched mind that You have given me. Autism and all. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Won't Leave You—Ever

Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 46:1-3 - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

Psalm 73:23-24 - Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Mark 4:35-41 - On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and sea obey him?"

Dear God, With me no matter what. Just like You taught me yesterday about the no matter what kind of love and grace that You have for me, today You are telling me that You are with me no matter what. Oh how I long when people say they are friends that they would learn how to love no matter what. For when they can not only learn and understand the no matter what kind of love then they can also practice loving one another no matter what. Maybe I have been learning and growing in my ability to love no matter what? And maybe that is why, even now, I long to work toward restoration with Tom? Oh, I hope he reads this post. He needs to know that now more than ever. God, I am sorry that I do not always return the love no matter what. Teach me and shape me. Be with me always and make Your presence known to me. Love, no matter what. Thank You for being with me. No matter what. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The Future Is My Secret

Deuteronomy 29:29 - The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

Psalm 32:8 - I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. 

Dear God, Yes, I do wish I could know what to expect. How things were decided for my case with the presbytery and would proceed. If I will get the true closure or see the biblical restoration. How much money would I get. How things will work out for the immediate financial needs we have. Whether I will actually get the right medical treatment I actually need. It is hard to trust You. It is hard to trust anyone. Thanks to Tom. He proved that even the most trustworthy human is NOT to be trusted. EVER. He proved men are selfish pigs. All because instead of standing up against what he knew was wrong and doing the right thing, he joined in the wrongdoing. God, my autism brain needs tangibles. Tangibles that help me build the trust in You. Okay, God? Move things into biblical conflict resolution. That would be a good next step. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Want to Know You by Sonicflood (YouTube)

In the secret

In the quiet place

In the stillness

You are there

In the secret

In the quiet hour I wait only for You

'Cause I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal

That I might receive the prize

Pressing onward 

Pushing every hindrance aside

'Cause I want to know you more

More and more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

More and more, Lord

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face 

I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal

That I might receive the prize

Pressing onward

Pushing every hindrance aside

Out of my way

'Causee I want to know you more

More and more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

More and more, Lord

I want to touch You 

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

And more

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

More and more, Lord

I want to touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

I want to know You

I want to know You

I want to know you more

I want to touch, touch You

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more

More, more, more

Yeah

I Am Your Shepherd

Psalm 23:1-6 - A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Luke 1:37 - For nothing will be impossible with God.

Ephesians 3:20-21 - Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Dear God, You are the only good and true shepherd. Tom used being a shepherd as an excuse to hurt me. He did not act like a shepherd in that moment. He knew I was hurting, yet instead of taking care of the hurt sheep, he inflicted further damage. A good and true shepherd will also abandon the entire flock to go after the one that is lost knowing that when he brings that ONE back to the flock that all of heaven will rejoice more over that one than all the others who were never lost. God, I want to do the right thing and seek peace and restoration in this, but I need You to stir him. I need You to stir them. I need You to awaken their hearts and minds to the reality that their approach is not helpful to anyone and lacks the grace they so love to preach about all the time. But today, most of all, I need You to stir in my mom to move her to the point emotionally where she can be more proactive about getting a new job. And today, I also need Your healing touch. My throat pain has gotten even worse. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Let Go

Psalm 46:10 - "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Colossians 4:2 - Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.

II Peter 1:3-4 - His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become par takers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

Dear God, I want to trust that You are in control of everything, but then I question it because Tom unnecessarily hurt me. And the way he did it makes things that much harder and worse for me. All the while, he sits there and talks about grace this and grace that yet nothing he did with regard to me showed grace. Real grace would have actually talked to me when he created the conflict. Real grace would have kept the promises and the compromise he made regarding Facebook. Real grace would talk to me even now in order to maybe either work toward restoration as the Bible says we are to do in both Romans 12 and II Corinthians 13:11 or to provide true closure. Real grace would not have ever done what Tom did nor in the manner in which he did it. Tom knows nothing about real grace as evidenced in the way he mistreated me. Neither does his church as evidenced in the way they abused me and repeatedly violated scripture with regard to me because they hate people with special needs and they hate You and the work Your Son did. I'm sorry that they hurt people instead of actually ministering to and with them. God, I have a confession. I actually half hearted lay wished that lightning would strike Tom's house last night during the storms. I know it's mean, but that's how bad he hurt me. The pain he caused me is unjustified and unnecessary. We both made missteps, so why am I the only one being unfairly, unjustly, and unnecessarily punished and hurt? I can allow one more week for Tom to willingly and voluntarily engage in the needed conversation with me because that is what grace would do. If he does that AND reinstates Facebook, then I will file an official letter to drop the complaint against him. If not, then that's where I let go and allow You to do what is necessary to bring about action from the presbytery. If that results in both him and me being brought under discipline, so be it, because at least proper church discipline is a redemptive process. Oak Mountain does not practice the discipline they claim to believe in. If it did, Tom would not have hurt me and they would not have abused me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Still and Know by Rebecca St. James

Alone in the valley

I cried for You to fill me with

Your peace

So when the lightning strikes

Thunder rolls around me

Still I live in peace

You ask that I

Be still and know 

You are God

Be still and know 

You are God

You are God

When the fires rage

When the storm surrounds me

Still I live in peace

Though the mountains fall

Crash into the ocean

Still I live in peace

You ask that I

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know 

You are God

You ask that I

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

You are God

Lead me through the valley

Lead me by the streams

Restore me and draw me to You God

To You I lift my soul

To You who makes me whole

Gently You hold me close to You

Ooh...close to You...ooh

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know 

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know 

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

You are God

You're near me

You love me

You hold me

You reach me

You still me

You move me

You draw me to You God

You're near me

You love me

You hold me

You reach me

You still me

You move me

You draw me to You God

You are God

You are God

You are God

You are God

You still me

You draw me to You

You are God

 You are God

When the fires rage

Still I live in peace

You are God

Heaven's Door Film Review

The film is a bit of a tearjerker. Probably did not help though that I am wrestling right now because of a friend and worried that we will not be able to make things work as friends because everything has fallen apart so quickly-the boundaries, he never seems to have any time any more, we have not seen each other in a long time; how can we make it work? But this little girl has discovered that she has a gift. Riley can heal people just by touching them. But she only heals those who she is supposed to heal. She sees an angel. She thinks it is her grandpa who died. She shows her family what she experienced when she fell out of the tree but tells them that if she helps anyone there will be consequences. Unfortunately, there is a news woman who seems very adamant about getting a story about Riley and her gift. Riley's mom and dad reunite because of Riley. Riley takes every illness from people she heals. Riley's last act is a friend who is in the hospital being treated for cancer. The little girl tells Riley's parents that she knew she was supposed to go and that there were angels around Riley. A blind man also tells Riley's parents to believe. Just as Riley is declared dead, she awakens to the pleasant surprise of her parents. Riley learns though that her grandpa had nothing to do with her being saved from her fall. And her grandma realizes a new baby is coming. Riley's angel was the baby before he was born.

Essentially, this film is about renewed faith, renewed hope, and restored relationships. It is certainly what some may call a story of redemption. I would love to have enough faith to believe that the friendship will survive, but I struggle with this so much.

Dear God, please help me believe. Please renew my faith and trust. And please help my friendship with Tom survive if it's really Your will that he and I be friends. And if it's not, then help me to survive as Tom is the first real friend that I have had and the first person who truly cared enough to take the time to learn about how You created me and how it makes me different yet didn't let it get in the way of pursuing friendship with me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

An Open Letter

Dear God,
Today I found out that the very people who were supposed to be "caring" for me and "loving me well" during the past 7-9 months really have been doing nothing but double talk. They have said one thing yet done another. Today I found out that my church will never truly be a church because it will never honor all of Your words. Today I found out that You don't really accept special needs people because the church is supposed to be a reflection of you and does not accept special needs people. Today I found out that my church does not really believe or practice biblical restoration of relationships and will not ever as they refuse to allow me to have restoration with my pastor. Today I found out that the past 7-9 months have essentially been a waste of time, energy and effort as today I found out that no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be accepted there and the very people who called themselves a team are not going to help any. Today I have evidence of betrayal. Today I have seen that I cannot trust anyone, not even You. Today what was left of my already broken and fragile heart shattered completely and finally. I tried. I failed. IF the intent of the people calling themselves a team was to PUSH me FURTHER AWAY FROM You, then they have succeeded. I'm sorry God. I tried.
Sincerely,
SES