Offer of Good Faith

I publicly make this offer of good faith and it is now up to him to make amends beyond this. I have tried to extend the very grace that was not extended to me. But if Tom Patton will reinstate Facebook by December 10 (he made a compromise then ended up breaking his end without justification even though I had in fact kept my end until after he broke his end) and have ONE conversation so we can clear the air, then I will retract, delete, and even apologize for the things I have said since he broke the compromise and broke the biggest and most important promise he has ever made to me. 

The thing is, he has spread falsehoods about me, and it has cost me dearly, not only with the church which has also spread some falsehoods via misinterpretation or misunderstanding, but in the community at large. However, if he reinstates me and talks with me so I can get the answers I need that only he can provide, nothing further will happen and despite the fact that I have only posted the truth, I will retract and delete it. 

We have tried to extend grace to them and they have not done the same for me. 

Right now, the most gracious thing I could do has been done and is being done. I didn't want to do it, but Tom broke his end of the compromise without justification and without explanation, so I had to do it. Not out of retaliation, but out of love. 

The most gracious thing he or that church leadership could do and should do right now is to place me under the proper order of church discipline. Believe it or not. But I am tired of them not doing what is biblically correct and acting against the BCO.

Tom could very well have said okay let's talk. He could very well of left the friendship intact on Facebook, and I would not have had to go to the proper authority about it. He could have done that and I would have never have had to report it. But he didn't. So I did.

Where is the grace? The mercy? The justice? The love? The forgiveness? 

When Tom broke the compromise, he repeated the pain I suffered when my own birth father disowned me. And it's a pain that I can NEVER recover from. 

NOTHING dictated that he sever the Facebook friendship. I had done everything right. I didn't do anything to warrant it. I kept my end of the compromise. I have witnesses. But he still broke the compromise. As a result, the truth came out.

When the shepherd lost just one sheep, he left the others to go in search of it. That's what a true shepherd does. But Tom threw the sheep under the bus. He then spread falsehoods about it. And to make things worse, he then threw it out the window. The sheep has been battered and abused. And Jesus has been hurt because this particular sheep has a handicap. 

Jesus is unwelcome in that place because one of the least of these was bullied. Instead of sticking up for what is right, and Tom knew what is right and acknowledged their wrong, he joined the bullies. It saddens me. 

When leaders don't apply scriptures equally and repeatedly target an individual and bully and abuse the individual, they bring down the entire organization to a very dark and corrupt level that God cannot stand. 

Power. It's often a power hunger that causes it. There are a lot of interesting articles pertaining to the bullies of church leadership. 

Abuse. When instead of exercising the biblical principles of conflict resolution, they either ignore it or do what they did to me, that's corruption as well. Often also due to being power hungry.

Destruction of friendships. Power hungry bullies who want to control everyone under them will do what it takes to destroy relationships. They are usually jealous of the friendships. 

But here's my prayer:

That Tom and I do get the needed meeting and that the Facebook friendship will be restored. 

That somehow a meeting with the church will take place so that all the misunderstandings which were made abundantly clear by Tom's own actions can be cleared. 

Grace is a beautiful thing once you start grasping it and desiring what I want and need like this. I just wish they would extend the grace they say they believe in. 

Justice. It's definitely a desire for justice. And justice by the world's standards say that I should forget trying to extend grace to Tom or even them and just bring action. But justice by God's standards say that I am to extend grace. What grace looks like right now is exactly what I am doing, have been doing since he broke the compromise, and will continue to do until things are made right. 

Holiday hope. It's all I got right now. 

A Corrupt Leadership Makes an Equally Corrupt Church

In this particular case, ONLY THREE correct scenarios exist:

1. Neither Tom nor I are subject to the document presented last year IF they truly removed my name from membership. At this point, because I never received any written notification that it was done, I honestly do not know. But if that is the case, and if they did, then neither Tom nor I are subject to any of the restrictions. Now it's a matter of Tom doing the RIGHT thing and engaging in II Corinthians 13:11 with me so we can restore a friendship that NEVER should have suffered from the corruption.

2. Tom and I can have restricted friendship (FB only) AND I can attend Sunday worship as per the document they threw back up. Again, I have NOTHING else in writing saying I cannot do that.

3. The church session MUST enact official church discipline. When church discipline is done correctly in accordance with scripture and the BCO, it is a VERY REDEMPTIVE process.

ANYTHING outside of these three parameters is supposed to be delivered via an action of the session and followed by official written notification.

Tom's incorrect actions have made him as corrupt as the rest of the leadership. And a corrupt leadership makes for a corrupt church. A corrupt church is NOT something God can tolerate. Look at how he handled those corrupt churches in scripture. He was NOT very kind to them or their members. 

Because of Tom's actions, unless he opens his eyes and his heart and does the RIGHT thing, I have to seek justice by the world's view of how one goes about getting the justice he/she deserves.

But it is my heart' sprayer and desire to not need to resort to that.

Here's another reality:

Member or not, the BCO defines my current situation as being still under the jurisdiction of the session on which Tom sits. That means that the above scenarios are the ONLY correct scenarios that can truly exist.

Sadly, also according to the BCO, in chapter 34, the presbytery is responsible for handling complaints against ministers. 

This week's agenda in effort to restore peace and purity to an already very corrupted church includes e-mailing the elder who was asked to HELP, and was in fact, the ONLY person who I OFFICIALLY asked for help from. Asking for help or intervention in a volatile situation is NOT dragging them into something. Oh, how Tom's eyes need to opened to how incorrect his perceptions have become. After knowing me well for 10 months, he should KNOW better than he has evidenced with all the lies and untruths that have surfaced lately. 

It baffles me how they can be so corrupt and how he could just join in the corruption after the past ten months. And it hurts. 

ALL he had to do was talk with me, talk to me, and we would NOT be where we are today. 

A corrupt leadership makes a corrupt church and I have experienced the corruption and inequality of scriptural application firsthand. 

Inequality? Yes. After all, the Bible is clear about church discipline and it applies to EVERYONE EQUALLY. Yet the church failed miserably. 

I have made an offer and I now make it publicly so that anyone reading this can not only hold me to it, but also convict them to hold to it.

IF Tom will talk with me either before Thanksgiving or at least schedule something by Thanksgiving for immediately after Thanksgiving holidays AND reinstate me fully on Facebook, THEN I am willing to retract and remove any and all posts that I have made, regardless of the truthfulness of them, from wherever I have posted them. Furthermore, IF the church will uphold the very document that they threw back at me and allow me to attend church worship OR place me under church discipline, I will write a letter of retraction to the outside sources as well.

If not, then I will pursue justice against a select few of the men with whom I have experienced the corruption, now including Tom, in the way the world permits justice to be served. 

But I make this offer because I would much rather see the REALITY of the "peace and purity of the church," something they falsely accused me of violating once because I asked for help resolving a conflict at one point and the person it was with chose to exacerbate things more just like Tom did this time. 

I have identified within the leadership FIVE specific bullies who became more corrupt after I was diagnosed with autism. And we know what Jesus says about the way you treat the least of these. They have bullied Jesus as well. 

I am prayerfully engaging this week though as something needs to be done to stop them from destroying the church even more than they have already. 

I'm sad that such a level of corruption exists at all, especially in a church. 

The Truth

Since Tom Patton clearly chose to violate his end of the compromise he made with me without telling me directly himself and unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook without justification as I so diligently kept my end of the compromise for the past month, I am no longer obligated to uphold my end of the compromise and therefore am within my rights to make public the violations of Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church. 

At this point, I have nothing else to lose because it is has become clear that Tom Patton lied to me the past 10-11 months about being my friend because a real friend would NEVER do what he did. Also it has become clear that neither Tom nor the church care about scripture when it comes to restoration (II Corinthians 13:11) or discipline (Matthew 18) or the least of these (Matthew 25).

I would not ordinarily drag names into a post, but I will no longer protect the offenders. However, for those who were only trying to truly help, I will only use initials.

For those that have ever read my earliest posts I chronicled about the tensions with Bob Flayhart and why I ultimately left Oak Mountain in December. I chronicled about the abuses that I personally experienced.

Well, let me tell you what the past 10-11 months have brought me through. 

A time of self-discovery. A battle with health. Glimpses of God.

But God is unattainable. But God remains out of reach to me. Because to me God might be a bully just like it turns out Tom and those leaders at the church were and are.

Tom said I hadn't had a meltdown in six months. And this meltdown was certainly the first one in the one month I visited Oak Mountain this time.

So I ask where is that grace they talk so much about when after one mistake they threw me out without just cause and without EVER having exercised proper church discipline?  

Somehow though apparently to them church discipline is only applicable to people who do not have autism. 

Last year I posted a picture of their document.

As I learned in the days that followed their action, when I became a member at Oak Mountain in 2009, my agreement was a legally binding document. They expected certain things of me but I also expected certain things of them. 

One of the things I expected was that if I truly caused offense that they would exercise Matthew 18 regarding church discipline. But they NEVER did. Instead they waited until the conflict had gotten so bad before they ever assigned anyone to me.

Then the care team said its purpose was restoration. Instead of restoration, I got handed a document that was very much divisive. A new contract if you would. A contract that was deemed as bullying and declared immoral. A contract that Tom Patton said neither he nor I would be subject to if I withdrew my membership, a contract that remains unsigned because of the undertones, a contract they have now bound Tom to by threatening to fire him for being my friend because they retaliated when I sought help, a contract they are trying to bound me to now as a non-member, a contract they have breached. The contract says that even unsigned, I may attend Sunday morning worship services yet after one meltdown that did not actually happen at church therefore did not disrupt church, they barred me from attending worship and threatened police force. The contract also says that if I violate any boundaries that the church session must conduct official church discipline (again they did NOT). 

The meltdown? Tom exacerbated it when he broke a promise to me by acting before explaining. Which he has now done again which is now why after nearly a month I am finally telling the truth about what happened.

Tom kept saying words that hurt me. It was when he attached the friendship to it though that things got worse.

I was already in a meltdown from all kinds of things including what Tom said.

Tom then exacerbated things. Is it possible that I overreacted? Yes. But he also knows he was at fault when he exacerbated things. 

I got in my car after trying to find someone to talk with me through the initial crisis of what Tom did to exacerbate things. I started my car and checked my messages. That's when giant Gordon approached my car. I was about to leave after checking my messages and he approached my car. I trusted him to help, not make things worse. Tom claimed that I dragged him into it, but I didn't. He approached me after I had already started my car. He then detained me until after a friend and her son drove up to ask me to lunch. 

Tom told my mom that he recognized that it was after my diagnosis that things at the church got worse. He actually wrote that as well. 

He also claimed I asked SR to go to the bathroom with me. I did not. I was already on my way to the bathroom when she ran into me also going to the bathroom. In the bathroom, she noticed I was distressed. She offered assistance I needed when I needed it and helped defuse a meltdown. She did the right thing. 

Tom was supposed to talk with me about what happened but before he had a chance to do so, I got a phone call saying I couldn't return to church and police force would be used if I did. 

So after having gone to the one person who worked on conflict resolution with Tom and me in the past, and doing what I was instructed by Gordon, and Tom's half-hearted attempt to explain what he did after the fact that he exacerbated the meltdown, they jumped straight to that?

So I contacted the higher authority. I asked what can be done if a church skips the entire order of church discipline and jumps straight to barring a person from worship? 

I wrote this:

"When Tom Patton asked if I believe in church discipline, here is what I finally got around to saying:

'U asked if I believe in church discipline. I believe if church discipline is done according to the outline in Matthew 18, then it is reasonable to perhaps shun a person, but never to bar them from worship b/c God might actually use worship to bring the person back around. I was NEVER brought under church discipline as a member nor a nonmember and so this is skipping all the way to the last step. And if that keys to the kingdom thing means that a person is going to hell then is that not assuming that man can somehow judge a person's heart? Tom, either I misunderstood you or the church definitely screwed up this time? Or both?'

"His response:

'Both

Turn off ur brain'"

I asked for a meeting. The e-mail was forwarded and the leaders retaliated by threatening to fire Tom for being my friend. All because I asked for help.

The leaders at that church have a pattern of doing that.

Tom wrote a very beautifully worded honest letter to advocate for me when I had to do court last month (probably the biggest disruption and factor in the meltdown).

I am going to share the two paragraphs that are relevant and even acknowledge how the church's document was misguided. 

These also make me cry because it seemed like he finally got it, yet his actions of last night proved that neither he nor that church will ever get it.

He wrote: 

"Susan is extremely bright. The first couple of years that I dealt with her, I struggled to understand why she would respond or react so strongly in certain situations and circumstances. After the diagnosis, it became abundantly clear. Susan does not handle stress or ambiguity or confrontation well. In an effort to help "mainstream" Susan, our church formed a small care team to work with her and coach her. Over more than a year, that team spent innumerable hours trying to help Susan grow in a number of areas. They sought to coach her towards developing a number of socialization skills. She struggled the whole time and in the end left the church in frustration. In some ways, I think our expectations were askew. It was as if we were asking a paraplegic to walk.

"Susan has capacities and capabilities but she does have tremendous struggles with social interaction. Those challenges are magnified when she is put in stressful, demanding or highly relational contexts. Others struggle as well because they don't know how to relate to her in a helpful manner. It has been our experience that this compounds the stress and frustration on both sides and can become quite counter-productive."

Tom was spot on in that. Too bad he failed to remember it when they retaliated against him and when he chose to violate the compromise and thus cause permanent damage which now means that the chance of relational restoration may be impossible now save for attorneys to walk everyone through where they went wrong and work on arbitration with them before they have a chance to hurt and abuse and bully more people with autism and other special needs. 

Jesus talks about the least of these in Matthew 25. According to that passage, the leaders at Oak Mountain are goats. 

How can you effectively minister and do missions when you fail to exercise your mission statement to share grace and show grace to all? You can't. 

It is with a very sad heart that I am writing this. One that has been broken beyond repair. 

And because of Tom's actions of last night where he violated the compromise he made with me altogether even though I had diligently kept my end of it, now there is another chance that he could still lose his job if and when the leaders retaliate against him and me again. 

But maybe he needs that this time because maybe then it will open his eyes to his own mistakes in all of this.

You see, I have a whole lot of people who rallied for a meeting to happen between Tom and myself. ONE meeting for closure. ONE meeting that could have prevented this blog post from being done, attorneys being contacted, letters to both the session giving them a chance to correct their mistakes and the presbytery showing where the church went wrong and filing an official complaint and asking for a court. But he refused. Repeatedly. He did not do II Corinthians 13:11. He did not do Matthew 18. And now because of him, the truth is out there and he has damaged the church in more ways than I could ever even begin. 

Are there consequences to this post? Probably. But I don't expect that the biggest consequences will be to me at this point because I really have nothing else to lose since Tom did what he did last night. 

ALL of this could have been avoided if Tom had just talked with me though. If he had just shown grace and talked with me. 

But he didn't and they didn't. And they probably never will.

Jesus is sad today.

Because when Oak Mountain denied the least of these and abused the least of these, they denied and abused Jesus. 

Is there ever going to be a truly SAFE church for adults with autism? 

Because that's what we need. 

An Open Letter

Dear God,
Today I found out that the very people who were supposed to be "caring" for me and "loving me well" during the past 7-9 months really have been doing nothing but double talk. They have said one thing yet done another. Today I found out that my church will never truly be a church because it will never honor all of Your words. Today I found out that You don't really accept special needs people because the church is supposed to be a reflection of you and does not accept special needs people. Today I found out that my church does not really believe or practice biblical restoration of relationships and will not ever as they refuse to allow me to have restoration with my pastor. Today I found out that the past 7-9 months have essentially been a waste of time, energy and effort as today I found out that no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be accepted there and the very people who called themselves a team are not going to help any. Today I have evidence of betrayal. Today I have seen that I cannot trust anyone, not even You. Today what was left of my already broken and fragile heart shattered completely and finally. I tried. I failed. IF the intent of the people calling themselves a team was to PUSH me FURTHER AWAY FROM You, then they have succeeded. I'm sorry God. I tried.
Sincerely,
SES

Developing a Thankful Heart Whilst in the Midst of Chaos and Confusion

This past Wednesday, volunteers from Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church went to serve a small community in the Ensley area of Birmingham. This area was one of the hard hit areas from the storms and tornadoes of April 27, 2011. Crews went earlier in the day to conduct debris removal and clean up with a later team to feed the community via Westmont Baptist Church. Personally, I was amazed by the turnout of OMPC volunteers as compared with the prior week when we served Moody. It seemed to have doubled, if not tripled!


Let me be honest for a moment though. This is one location in which having print directions and GPS map function on an iPhone did no good. The directions gave names of roads, many of which no signs were present or signs were knocked down by the tornado. The map feature said to turn in a different direction. Following what I instinctively wanted to follow and not being able to get the two to coordinate, I ended up on a very narrow road made all the more narrow by the devastation from those storms. It was bad. Finally after passing the road I needed probably for the third time, I was able to get on the correct road only then to find that mileage does not really mean much on directions either. That area will definitely try one's patience!


So, I've been feeling a little useless and helpless as I can't go out with the debris removal teams and we do tend to have more hands than needed (which is an excellent thing) with the other teams. So I'm now sort of the unofficial photographer. Unofficial in that I am not a professional, I just love taking pictures of, well, everything, so I can capture a lot and stay out of the way and still feel like I'm helping somehow. You know you see a lot from behind the camera. I would say from behind the lens except that most camera phones don't actually have lenses, now do they? I know I certainly do. 


I see pain. These people, these neighbors, these friends, these families, these brothers and sisters, they have real pain right now. So many of them have lost everything. Literally everything. Last year, I felt like I had lost a lot when I was told that I have an immune deficiency that is practically unheard of and has no cure and no treatment. And don't get me wrong, I did lose a lot with that diagnosis, but these people have lost EVERYTHING. I still have a lot to be thankful for. I don't always see it and I don't always feel it, but I do. I have my house. I have my cat and my dog. I have my clothes. I have my collectibles. I have my car. I have my phone. I have my family. I have my friends. I have my church. I have people who love and care for me even when I don't understand their quirks in showing that love and care. But some of these people lost all of that when those storms ripped through. 


I heard on the news a girl from Cullman who said that her church was leveled. But she said all they lost was the church building. She still has her church, the people that go there. In spite of the fact that so many of these people have literally lost so much, I keep hearing the sounds of appreciation and joy and thankfulness. It's overwhelming. If they can be so thankful in the midst of such loss, why is it so hard for me when I still have so much?


It seems as though in the midst of the chaos and confusion, despite the chaos and confusion, there are people who have seen ways to still be thankful. And apparently, I am starting to develop that thankful heart myself as a result. 


Maybe it's true what the group Alabama sings, "...there are angels among us," and maybe those angels are what help us to be thankful in the midst of chaos and confusion.


Another thing I am thankful for right now is that my church has been so responsive to the needs as a result of this disaster in Alabama and has been offering organized ways for people to get involved in the relief efforts through so many different avenues. Because in some ways, doing exactly what we are currently doing, is allowing each and every person to have the opportunity to be a missionary. There are few things that even the youngest and the oldest can't do right now.


To see some of the pictures from this week: http://photo2.walgreens.com/walgreens/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=12517722006/a=5001910006_5001910006/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink/COBRAND_NAME=walgreens/ or http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100199558026185.2592095.27434363&l=ecc7571383


http://www.oakmountainchurch.org/tornado-disaster-relief has a lot of the ways people can get involved. 


For Sunday, the Third Day tornado benefit concert I posted about Monday could still use as many volunteers as they can get. It'll be a great way to have fun listening to some great groups and help at the same time. And to exercise a thankful heart!

Kids, Dogs, Service, Sorting, Getting Lost, Almost Destroying a Car, Steven Curtis Chapman, Storms, Accidental Fasting, and Chaos - How It All Ties in to Theology, Missions, and Disaster Relief

"Kids, Dogs, Service, Sorting, Getting Lost, Almost Destroying a Car, Steven Curtis Chapman, Storms, Accidental Fasting, and Chaos - How It All Ties in to Theology, Missions, and Disaster Relief" has got to be my longest blog post title ever. I'm not sure, but it may be the longest title of anything ever. If you find anything in the record books longer than this title, let me know.

Chaos. The last two weeks. My AD/HD and my brain are going crazy. Next week is going to be a week that I'll HAVE to consistently take my Vyvanse regardless of how I feel. I need some sleep. By the end of next week if I have not been able to quiet my overactive brain, I'll have to call my prescribing doctor and see about a non-addictive sleeping medicine. I hate sleeping medications, but my brain won't SHUT UP! Oh, and let's see. I've got about four songs running through my head all at once that all encourage me and have served as inspiration through these past two weeks, particularly this past week and a half since April 27, 2011. Thank you TobyMac, Casting Crowns and Steven Curtis Chapman.

Kids. The first thought that came in my head when I awoke April 28, 2011 was all those children just lost everything. They don't even have a stuffed animal to hold right now. I look at my bed. I see the one my mother swears I stole from her when I just a little baby. I see one from one of my two trips to New York City to the Disney Store. I see my first bear from Build-a-Bear. I see a black panther I had gotten my first year at the University of Montevallo when I visited Toys R Us in Hoover that I called Salem after the black cat in Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. But those kids lost everything. So I contacted Build-a-Bear. Last I heard from them is that they were working with the Red Cross, but they thanked me for thinking of them and how they might be able to help. I just found a twin to one of the little plushes I have that I can donate. I have another twin around somewhere that I would like to find and donate as well. Already donated four stuffed toys. Two of them were these pillow pet type of things that can serve dual function.

Dogs. The second thought in my head was pets. What happened to all the animals? I remember one of the reasons some people didn't evacuate for Katrina was that they didn't want to leave their family pet behind. Some of the pets have ended up in foster homes until their owners can be relocated out of shelters. Some of the animals found range from newborn puppies and kittens to older animals. A few, sadly, have died. Some have been reunited with their families. And the saddest thing to me is the fact that those litters have possibly lost their own mother cats and dogs. Too young to survive on their own, and possibly too young to survive. I remember one of my first dogs was a rescue from a flood in Oklahoma. The poor thing never could get over storms after that. He was seen floating atop a dog house. He died several years later after I had to leave him behind during the move to Alabama. He had heartworms. I only saw him once between the move and his passing. He barely remembered me.

Service. Let's just say that anything that anyone does toward the disaster relief, be it clean up or sorting clothes or even just donating, is service.

Sorting. Sorting clothes. My first time was sorting at the Christian Service Mission in Birmingham. I was hand sanitizing left and right after that one. Someone tried donating dirty underwear. Not just used, but really badly stained. EW!! I am fine with gently used shoes even though I would never buy shoes from a thrift store. But all I could think is come on people. You would not debase yourself to buy used underclothes or socks or bathing suit bottoms from a thrift store or yard sale, let's not subject our victims to them either! My second sorting job was at the Salvation Army Disaster Relief Warehouse. Sort of in between Birmingham and Bessemer. It was better except for the bags of strongly smelling of cigarette trigger an asthma attack clothing. Ugh. And one of the people who ended up helping at my table found an adult clown costume. All we could do was laugh. It was a little sad.

Getting lost. What I did when I was going to the Christian Service Mission. Should have followed the GPS mapping on my phone. Ended up following the exit and got turned around because the street was a one way street. That part of Birmingham is not very safe for single women under 40. I feel safer alone on the streets and the subways of New York City than I did around there.

Almost destroying a car. Really. The road leading to the Salvation Army warehouse was worse than the potholes and craters on I-65. But I felt safer. However, I am noting that I need to work on finding any and all possible alternative routes that don't use I-65.

Steven Curtis Chapman. Got stuck on a song of his this week that fit all too perfectly with everything that Alabama just experienced. I'll post the lyrics and a link at the bottom of this post.

Storms. The more we have threaten Alabama, the more fearful and anxious I become. My city and my county were spared the worst of the damage. And every time I close my eyes, I see trees falling and getting uprooted.  Because in three of the storms during April, we have had three trees break and crash.

Accidental fasting. Yep. It's been so bad in the state of surrealism about everything that I accidentally fasted the greater part of the week. I did not realize that I did not eat anything Sunday until midnight. And I've been lucky if I've eaten at least a snack one time during the day the rest of the week!

How does it tie in to theology, missions and disaster relief?

Theology is shaken and stirred and tested when anyone experiences the travesty this great state of Alabama has just been through. Hollywood cannot even begin to come close to being able to portray what happened last week with that monster tornado. How do you handle the theological questions that arise? Why? How come? Why would a loving God allow this to happen? Why would He spare some but not others? Why would He spare me and not them?

Missions. Whether it's going to sort clothes, going to do debris removal or going to serve a hot meal to a community that was affected, it's missions.

Disaster relief. Anything can count as disaster relief. Donating time and money and clothes/items, cleaning up, rebuilding.

TobyMac's "Get Back Up" and "City on Our Knees" were the first two songs that moved me this week. Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" followed. The other day I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise." It is this last song that I felt more strongly compelled by. As I thought about my own church, Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church, PCA, and the relief efforts that have spun out in response to the disaster.

My first year in Alabama I survived Hurricane Opal. Hurricane Ivan ripped through as far up as Montevallo. I went home to be close to family when that was approaching. I remember having to check in with my resident hall assistant before leaving. But I never thought that other than the random "snow" events which pale in comparison to what New England goes through that my part of Alabama would ever see anything like the images we saw when the tornado ripped through Enterprise (near which I lived for the first half of my life in Alabama (which is exactly half of my life)) or the tornado that ripped through Prattville or the images from Hurricane Katrina. I never would have imagined it to be possible. It is for this very reason that the Steven Curtis Chapman song has really compelled me more than the other songs.

"It was the day the world went wrong." April 27, 2011 started and ended on a bad note for Alabama. There is hardly a county from Montgomery north that was not touched by that nasty storm system that brought that monster through Tuscaloosa, Birmingham, Cullman and every small and large town and city in between and around it.

"I screamed til my voice was gone." I think a lot of us have screamed. In horror. In anger. In pain. In anguish.

"And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down." I have not personally gone to Tuscaloosa yet. I do not quite have the courage and the strength yet. But I have seen the images. For me, the full reality has not sunk in yet. But we certainly watched in horror as the face of these areas were changed in a matter of minutes and hours.

"Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left behind." I think of everyone sorting through the rubble, the remains of homes, churches, daycares, schools, businesses, etc. I think of the heartache that many are feeling as they find pictures, documents, toys, remnants of what was a life that was relatively normal as possible before that monster came through and changed everything.

"But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope." We do have a hope. A hope and a promise. One of a better life. Maybe not on this earth, but it most certainly will be for the elect, those that belong to God.

Chorus:

"Out of theses ashes...beauty will rise." The cities and towns will be much more beautiful after they rebuild than they ever were.

"And we will dance among the ruins." For every person or animal found alive, there is joy.

"We will see Him with our own eyes." God is in every person who comes to the aid of the victims of this monster.

"Out of these ashes...beauty will rise."

"For we know joy is coming in the morning, in the morning, beauty will rise."

"So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down." Right now, we hurt. We need time to heal. And there will be tears. That's perfectly fine.

"And if you can't believe I will believe for you." Your faith may be weak. My faith may be tested. But together we can trust that things will indeed work together for the good of those who love the Lord.

"'Cuz I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see." Every little bird and every little flower that survived the storms that ripped through Alabama April 27 is a testimony of hope that springs eternal.

Chorus

"I can hear it in the distance and it's not too far away."  Help is coming. That help is beautiful.

"It's the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast." I went to Moody with my church this week to a church there that suffered a hole in their roof. But I did not see fear and tears. I saw strength and courage. I saw inspiration. I talked with a couple of little boys who were hanging out by the truck that brought the food afterward. They were both five and in kindergarten. One of them is really excited about starting first grade after the summer. Does he even know or understand how that storm disrupted his life? I don't know, but it was encouraging.

"I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, 'It's time to make everything new.'"

"Make it all new." And new it will be made.

"This is our hope. This is the promise. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that's been made out of the ashes, out of the ashes, that it would take our breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes, out of the ashes." As cities and communities rebuild, it will be beautiful.

Chorus

"Oh, beauty will rise. Oh, beauty will rise. Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise. Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise. Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise." Beauty will indeed rise.

Lyrics from http://www.metrolyrics.com/beauty-will-rise-lyrics-steven-curtis-chapman.html.

And that's how everything begins to fit together.

Ways You Can Help in the Wake of the Alabama Disaster

As many of you already know by now thanks to the power of social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook, Alabama has been devastated by storms that swept through April 27, 2011. The number of fatalities is staggering. Many of you may want to help. I have been in contact with several companies myself and will post as I can about the ways they have responded periodically. There is an outpouring coming from all over the country via various Facebook pages with people wanting to donate items and volunteer.

This storm has disrupted many lives in Cullman County, the Birmingham metro area, and the city of Tuscaloosa and several smaller communities along the way. There are a lot of pictures at http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/04/tornadoes_kill_over_200.html. ABC 33/40 has a lot of aerial videos at their weather blog: http://www.alabamawx.com/.

An announcement from the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa stated yesterday that the semester was ending and students could take the grades they had as of April 27, 2011 or schedule their finals at a later date, but their graduation has been moved to August.

Radio stations in Birmingham have been working fervently to compile lists of ways people can help as have television stations. And my list is not complete, but it will be updated as I can.

1. Pray.

2. Contact the American Red Cross.

3. Contact area churches and missions agencies for ways you can donate financially or donate items or volunteer.

4. The church I attend has set up a disaster relief Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Oak-Mountain-Church-Disaster-Relief/182244861826158. They also have a page on their website: http://www.oakmountainchurch.org/tornado-disaster-relief.

Window in the Skies by U2 Homework

I said I was going to take the pastor up on his holy week challenge as soon as I was well enough. So here I am typing as I am working on the assignment. His challenge was to listen (or view) "Window in the Skies" by U2 and see how much of the gospel message is interwoven through it. The video is available through VEVO on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cK_q7tEOPA0. I would recommend following the lyrics as you listen or watch and those are available at: http://www.metrolyrics.com/window-in-the-skies-lyrics-u2.html.

Frankly, I feel it is not one of their better songs and I have a limited exposure to the group, so of the few songs I have actually sat through the entirety of, this is not high on my list.

It sounds like another one of those "mushy" love songs almost on the verge of break up.

It does have some unique musical qualities and riffs.

Where I could see the gospel message is with the stone moved and all debts removed.

I can honestly say though that one part that might bother me some is the line: "I know I hurt you and I made you cry/Did everything but murder you and I." Why? Because when you hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally, whether through words or deeds, you basically do murder them. And if that hurting continues, it can get to a point where you practically kill their soul and their spirit. That eventually starts coming through to the outside, the physical being.

And reflecting on that line brings tears to my eyes as I face both the receiving and giving end of hurt that has been murderous and that I long to see a restoration through.

I have a lot to learn.

One of my reflections this past weekend was on Titus 2:11-3:8, a passage that most of the people I know from church could either recall from memory or recall the gist of considering we only spent about a half a year in that passage. But I can kind of see how that passage was reflected in this song.

I still do not quite understand how the gospel message rings through a lot of U2 songs, but I am teachable and open to debate on it.

Let's just say, this song has a much different tone than their songs from their earlier years.

Genesis 38 and Scandalous Grace and the Messiness of Life With Sin

I've heard it referred to as scandalous grace. Never really understood that until yesterday at church.

My head still reels from one word that I did not even know was in the Bible. I have a feeling there may be more of them. Let's just say as to what word, the Bible may be very instrumental in sex education and turning things around in that area.

I think if it hadn't been for the floor underneath all of us, our jaws would not have returned but alas, there were a lot of jaws that dropped.

Scandalous stuff in the Bible. No wonder they say that the Bible consists of every literary genre known to mankind.

Psychology, genealogy, sex education, how-to, self-help (sort of), poetry, history, science fiction (hmmm.....), mystery (What happened to Jonah after the book of Jonah finishes?), etc. I think perhaps the only genre that might not be covered is cooking, but honestly, I don't know that it isn't.

Like I said, my head still reels from that passage.

It was good though. Essentially because we live in a fallen world full of broken people with sin, we have to deal with the consequences of that sin. Sin is sloppy and messy. Sin is yucky. That wily devil hits us from every angle imaginable and just when you think you're strong enough to fend him off, here he comes again.

Sometimes it is the devil, but more often than not, it is the sin. Our personal sin, someone else's sin, sin sin sin (Brady Bunch "Marsha Marsha Marsh.").

But just when you think you're down for the count, you can recover (TobyMac "Get Back Up"). You may be down for a season, but as people come to grips with the sin that created the mess, here come the scrub brushes (counsel from others, lessons that you and other people needed to learn, time, etc.) to clean up the mess and set things right again.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't EXACTLY what was being taught in the messiest lesson I ever got from church, but it is what I got. Different people get different things out of the same lesson depending on where they are in life at the present when they hear the lesson and this is what I learned.

Now if only I can get past that one word in Genesis 38.... (Blushing.)

Huge Announcement Post StadiumFest

First thing, if you missed StadiumFest this year, it was totally AWESOME! I got assigned to an inflatable - a slide - over in the Bronner Burgess Children's Play Area. Seeing the children have fun on it was a highlight. Bello, well, let's just say, he scared me. That man is absolutely crazy! Climbing to the top of some 90 foot sway pole. The minute he got to the top, I panicked. Did not see him come down the thing head first as I kept covering my eyes most of the time while he was up there. I'd sooner face a snake or a spider than watch that kind of stunt. Yikes!

Hearing Rick and Bubba give their testimonies. I was amazed. Befuddled, but amazed. I forget which one referenced the age of accountability, but as I have learned, there is no age of accountability. It's not Biblical! In the grand scheme of learning more about predestination, God knows exactly who and when someone will finally accept His pursuit of them and become a Christian. But they still had great stories.

Casting Crowns. I'm not much into their music. They have the same flavor as MercyMe. And their music is not really up my stream. But Casting Crowns was great. They sang "Praise You in This Storm." Mark Hall wrote it as he was going through some hard stuff involving his adopted daughter, who like me, has a lot of medical challenges to face. His story about his daughter really hit close to home and gave me a new source of inspiration. And believe it or not, this really stiff Presbyterian actually raised her hands WAY up during some of the songs that Casting Crowns did. Good luck getting me to actually do that at church though. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Oh my word. All I could think is when is TobyMac coming out, right? TobyMac was my highlight. Sort of, but I'll explain in a few paragraphs about the sort of. They brought Bello out again. Let's just say, the difference in seeing him on top of that pole in broad daylight and then at night, well, something about the night does really make things much scarier and more intense. Absolutely could not watch this time around. Those hands shot over my eyes allowing for only a small peek. You know like how when young children get uncomfortable when two people on the screen start kissing? Yep.

Finally, TobyMac. Let's just say, I wasn't the only one who nearly burst at the seams. Funny thing was that near where I was seated/standing, there was a family with teenagers and their mom was more excited about TobyMac than I was, and I was like a giddy school girl when he came out. Yep. I actually squealed in delight! If you have never heard me emit that high-pitched squeal before, good luck getting it out of me.

And I know he reads his Facebook fan page! I actually had posted that if he sang "Made to Love," "Get Back Up," and "City on Our Knees," that it would be the highlight for me. Guess what? He sang ALL three of those songs! He did songs off every one of his albums and quite a few off his newest album. And one of the culminating songs was a throwback to DCTalk days - "Jesus Freak." When he finished "City on Our Knees," he spun off with "Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city." Instantly I thought of my church and my pastor, who absolutely loves the message of that song. Sadly, TobyMac wrapped us up with "Sha na na na, hey hey hey, good-bye." I think I actually wanted to cry at this point because I did not want the night to end.

By the way, I reapplied sunblock every two hours. Came out with seven sun burned patches. I did not know I had to put the stuff on my ears. And I think I may have gotten the darkest I'll ever get on my arms, but mostly I have more freckles. Ugh. God's design though. Fair skinned, red-haired people are not made for the sun. And wearing ear plugs. Uncomfortable little things, but with a mild hearing loss, I saved whatever hearing I have left. There's a reason God made a worrywort.

One thing that concerned me. My church does not do altar calls. I could kind of understand why after witnessing no fewer than four of them at StadiumFest. The emotions are high at those kind of events, so if you have altar calls, how many of those professions of faith are genuine? And how do altar calls fit in the grand scheme of predestination? And Scott Dawson made it sound as though if you prayed the prayer and did not go forward that you were somehow sinning. So of course, I have some confusion.

But I said I had a huge announcement.

I went into StadiumFest as a volunteer. Thank you Facebook advertisements. But I had some serious doubts about my own salvation going in. So, during one of those calls, I did pray that little prayer. I did not go forward, but I did pray. And the majority of my doubts are gone.

Now if only I could help make things right with some friends and all of us could see restoration, I think everything might start looking brighter. There's a prodigal who wants to come home and a little lost lamb who wants to return to the flock. She just needs to know that it's okay.

Practicing the Waltz in the Midst of Brokenness, Or Trying Not to Fall Apart Under the Pressure of the Fight

The saying goes, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." Problem. Although good in theory, is there really a person out there who is really all that tough? Are we not all sort of wimpy under pressure? I know I am. And that is just being openly honest.

There's a practice at my church. I don't mean like choir or drama or anything like that. I mean a practice for the Christian life. Wait a minute, you say. Don't all churches have one? I'm sure they do in their own ways, but my church has a "waltz." It's a three-step that we should all be involved in. Repent, believe, fight.

Sometimes I get stuck in one step and I just sort of sway. Sometimes I go from one to another and do a sort of two-step sashay. Shuffle ball change. This is where I find myself needing to remember the reason for the fight after repenting. And that's believing.

Admittedly, it's hard to not fall apart right now. My toes have been stepped on by my teacher. I'm sure he did not really mean to, but mistakes happen. Sometimes those mistakes inflict deep wounds, but this is where I find myself needing to repent and fight. Repent of some actions that may have contributed to him stepping on my toes and fight for restoration and healing. Believe. I've been in some in-depth discussions this week as I deal with some hard-core recovery and I have been reminded to believe. Believe that the one who saved me will bring things together and restore us. It's going to be a long, hard process and in the middle of it, he and I both will have to face many challenges, but we both have to put Christ at the center and perhaps do a little square-dance or Irish step dance along the way.

Life is not easy. Never has been. Never will be. Thank you Adam and Eve. But you know what? If life were easy, it might get boring. Live. Love. Learn. Repent. Believe. Fight. Keep waltzing.