Sticks and Stones

Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 

James 1:19-20 - Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires.

Dear God, Help me as I prepare myself to write the words You gave me for the letter to Tom. Help me to keep it short and simple and also to write it in such a way that he will be willing to respond. Maybe I should just tell him that if he wants to know the truth to reach out to me. Just let him know that what he thinks he knows is not what really happened. Tell him briefly the truth. And nothing but the truth. Give him the window to come through for the rest. Offer him the chance to receive forgiveness. His actions were louder than his words. His actions broke my spirit. His actions were hateful. His actions didn't jive with what a Christian should do or even what a Christian is called to do. But I know his actions also didn't line up with how he acted toward me before the conflict arose either. And that is why I have hope that if I write the letter, he will do the right thing and the conversation that needed to happen will happen. Better months later than immediate because at least by now, both of us should have had time to cool off. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Actually, words can be more damaging to the soul. I still carry scars from all the times when damaging words were spoken. Mikki - "If you cannot focus, then maybe you shouldn't come to church at all." Way to infer that my ADHD and my ASD should be used as an excuse for the church to discriminate against me. Tom - "Our attempts to mainstream her have been ineffective." Yeah, because they were not attempts to mainstream. They gave me a document and asked me to sign to allow them to continue to abuse me and discriminate against me! Tom - "We approached things in the wrong way. We were wrong." That was really the best thing and the most accurate thing that Tom said about all of what had happened. That is why I know in my heart that if I give Tom a second chance to come through, he most likely will. Because there is a man in there that does still care. He just needs to know that his young friend is willing to give him that second chance he needs if he is willing to ask for forgiveness. God, You really a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth and sixth and so forth. So why shouldn't we be as well, if we are Your children? Matter of fact, if we are Your children, then that is exactly how we should be! The only exception is if it is physically unsafe. And Tom knows that is not the case with me. He knew that when he told me that they claimed I was "dangerous." The only reason that those other men at his church see me as "dangerous" is because I am honest to a fault and for some reason, they feel threatened by the truth. Which does not look good for them. If the truth threatens them so much, then they have a problem with corruption. Just like politicians. Oh! Now I understand what my friend who said she was thinking about changing churches because she felt their church has become too political meant! And she is correct. And that may also need to be written to Tom. Because he needs to know. There is a lot he needs to know. That church is going to destroy him and he needs to know so he can make a wise decision before it does if it hasn't already. In the words of Ryan Pittman when he was sharing his testimony, if the church does not have special needs people involved in every aspect of its ministries, then DON'T! In other words, don't go there. And don't let them. He was right. With autism now having a 1 in 68 diagnosis rate for young children, it is time for churches to change to accommodate both children and adults. Sensory rooms, sensory friendly services, inclusion with assistance, inclusion period. These things can work well for autistics, individuals with Down syndrome, and even neurotypicals who just need to refocus and recenter. Sticks and stones can hurt. But words can hurt even more and the lasting effects can take longer to recover from. Thank You God for another valuable lesson. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Dare to Be Different

Psalm 34:5 - Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 42:1-2 - As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?

Philippians 2:14-16 - Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

Philippians 2:15 (ICB) - Then you will be innocent and without anything wrong in you. You will be God's children without fault. But you are living with crooked and mean people all around you. Among them you shine like stars in the dark world.

Dear God, I not only dare to be different but I love the fact that You created me to be different, autism and all. I have a unique perspective. I have a mind that thinks outside the box that many people seem to want to shove everyone into. I will not conform because I cannot. I am a round peg and I do not fit into the square hole. And people either need to accept and embrace that and learn how to work with me and my differences or they need to look in the mirror at themselves. The fact remains that Tom tried to say they tried to mainstream me and that their attempts to do so failed. The fact remains that what that church did was not mainstreaming at all, but excluding me. Mainstream means to include fully with some assistance or modifications. Not bully, abuse, or exclude from anything and everything. That team hurt me because they tried to force change that was not needed and that would have damaged who You created me to be. And Ginny saw through it and tried to stop it because she saw the pain and the suffering. Yet when Tom was informed of it, he brushed it off as me having misunderstood the intentions. If he had just listened, he would have known. If he had just talked to me back when our conflict in October happened, we would not be where we are today with me struggling to write the letter to give him the chance, the opportunity, to finally do the right thing. Dare to be different. I hope he dares to be different. He knew what they did was wrong. He acknowledged that what they were doing was wrong. But he did nothing to stop it. Dare to be different, Tom. I see better in you, Tom. And I know you better than that, Tom. I know you are capable of rising above, Tom. And that means there is hope if I can acknowledge these things about you, Tom. Dare to be different. You know, God, I am glad I am different. You have me a brain to reason and to think with. You gave me a brain to use. And while others may disagree, the fact remains that that brain and that ability to think and reason is why I am defensive about the whole Hobby Lobby legalism on parade debacle. You see, when I am personally affected by something, I care about it and I follow it and I research it extensively. That is why I know that the Supreme Court was wrong on so many levels. I read about the miracle baby born in Ireland. How her mom miscarried and was prescribed an abortion drug to help her to avoid infection. And how a few weeks later a heartbeat was detected. The little girl survived the whole ordeal! Yet I reasoned out that had that woman worked for Hobby Lobby, Hobby Lobby's legalism would have prohibited her doctor from being able to act in an emergency, the woman could have ended up with the infection the doctor wanted to prescribe abortion drugs to prevent, the remaining baby could have died or miscarried as a result of the infection if not the mom herself, and then Hobby Lobby would have been responsible for not one, but two deaths, all because they are legalists and the Supreme Court decided the corporation was a person. Dare to be different. God, thank You for making me different. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

You Are My Chosen One

Isaiah 61:10 - is ill greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Jeremiah 31:3 - Thus says the Lord: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

I Peter 2:9 - But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

I Peter 2:9 (NLT) - But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God.

Dear God, thank You for unending love. Help me show others the same unending love You have for me. Even Tom. And in doing that, help him remember how he is supposed to act if he truly is a Christian. With forgiveness, love, and compassion. He used to say the reason he forgave so easily is because he was forgiven much. But in the one moment when he needed to be the most forgiving, he was not even a Christian. He misinterpreted a lot of things and instead of listening to me to find out the truth, he spread lies that were not true. Instead of working through conflict, he violated Your word. And the leadership at his church violated their stupid discriminating and abusive document that they wanted me to sign agreeing to allow them to keep abusing me. Sadly, Tom abused me when he did those things. And according to Your word, Tom is not a Christian. Nor are most of the leaders at that church. They did not evidence You when they abused me. Yet You are asking me to reach out in grace. To Tom. And to give him a chance to hopefully prove me wrong in accordance with Your word. Soften his heart if You really want me to do this, God. Open his heart and his mind and prepare him for the truth. The truth hurts, and he will not like that he will learn that he was an idiot for ignoring it and for not listening to me so he would know the truth. He assumed things that were not true. For one thing, it was never him that the post was about, but someone else. The guy I was crushing on. But had Tom only listened he would have known. Now grant I was also upset with Tom that day, but the upset with him was directed at him. It was not posted. But he assumed the post was about him. And he never said he was upset about the post or I could have told him when he had called angry about me being frustrated with him or even when he called if he had called again as he had promised. Tom did a lot of things that contributed to the conflict - he assumed things that were not accurate. Unfortunately, his actions have helped me understand why people say, "You know what happens when you ASSume things?" Yeah. Tom certainly did that. And all it would have taken was a conversation. Now I know what You mean when You say the truth will set you free. Telling the truth in the letter will hopefully not only set me free, but it will hopefully open Tom's eyes and maybe he will come to his senses and go back with the truth to those hateful little men at his church. If nothing else, maybe he will at least reach out to me and evidence You in his life, if You are in his life. Oh, and God, please, right now, I need healing. And financial provision. $3000 for hearing aids. Insurance does not seem to think adults need to be able to hear. Without being able to hear, I cannot work. Oh, and please, if You do not mind, make that day camp program that I am supposed to go to once a week and help with once a week go better. It was boring and stressful that one day I went so far. It turns out that boredom is something else that can add stress to my life! Especially when it is supposed to be something full of scheduled activities. Who knew that boredom could create stress? And please heal me from the blackberry juice overload. Mom sure got a laugh from that one. But I am sure uncomfortable from it. As I told her, "I went from one extreme to the other!" My stomach needs a balance. And I am hoping it is not another stomach bug that might end up with me having another IV. God, I cannot mention these two by name, but I have a couple of friends needing Your comfort right now. One just had to make the decision about a very old cat. And I know the pain she is going through as I did that about 8 years ago with an 18-year-old cat myself. May Peaches rest in peace. And I can hardly believe Katie is almost 8! And I may have to make that decision again soon with my deaf dog, Molly Jean, who is starting to show signs of aging. At almost 15, she is getting less able to fetch the ball. The second friend of mine may have divorce in the near future and has two young ones, one of which has autism. And I know that titles hard. Not that I have been married, but I saw my own father walk out on my family. He could no longer handle having what he considered to be a broken child or a broken wife. Of course, I think he got bitten back for that one, but I don't really care. God, give me wisdom and the words I need to write that letter to Tom. It looks like at this point, the direction You are steering me will be with Tom, and not the church. Although he will get the one for them as well, but will likely have instructions to only share it with them after he responds to me directly either by a meeting or a phone call or a letter or an e-mail or Facebook (which would require the biggest act of faith in You on his part, but would also give him the most freedom at the starting point). Prepare him for the truth. I now the reality stick hurts, but Rafiki means well when he bonks you upside the head with it. (Lion King.) Thank You God for clearer direction. And thank You for choosing and for loving me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The Truth

Since Tom Patton clearly chose to violate his end of the compromise he made with me without telling me directly himself and unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook without justification as I so diligently kept my end of the compromise for the past month, I am no longer obligated to uphold my end of the compromise and therefore am within my rights to make public the violations of Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church. 

At this point, I have nothing else to lose because it is has become clear that Tom Patton lied to me the past 10-11 months about being my friend because a real friend would NEVER do what he did. Also it has become clear that neither Tom nor the church care about scripture when it comes to restoration (II Corinthians 13:11) or discipline (Matthew 18) or the least of these (Matthew 25).

I would not ordinarily drag names into a post, but I will no longer protect the offenders. However, for those who were only trying to truly help, I will only use initials.

For those that have ever read my earliest posts I chronicled about the tensions with Bob Flayhart and why I ultimately left Oak Mountain in December. I chronicled about the abuses that I personally experienced.

Well, let me tell you what the past 10-11 months have brought me through. 

A time of self-discovery. A battle with health. Glimpses of God.

But God is unattainable. But God remains out of reach to me. Because to me God might be a bully just like it turns out Tom and those leaders at the church were and are.

Tom said I hadn't had a meltdown in six months. And this meltdown was certainly the first one in the one month I visited Oak Mountain this time.

So I ask where is that grace they talk so much about when after one mistake they threw me out without just cause and without EVER having exercised proper church discipline?  

Somehow though apparently to them church discipline is only applicable to people who do not have autism. 

Last year I posted a picture of their document.

As I learned in the days that followed their action, when I became a member at Oak Mountain in 2009, my agreement was a legally binding document. They expected certain things of me but I also expected certain things of them. 

One of the things I expected was that if I truly caused offense that they would exercise Matthew 18 regarding church discipline. But they NEVER did. Instead they waited until the conflict had gotten so bad before they ever assigned anyone to me.

Then the care team said its purpose was restoration. Instead of restoration, I got handed a document that was very much divisive. A new contract if you would. A contract that was deemed as bullying and declared immoral. A contract that Tom Patton said neither he nor I would be subject to if I withdrew my membership, a contract that remains unsigned because of the undertones, a contract they have now bound Tom to by threatening to fire him for being my friend because they retaliated when I sought help, a contract they are trying to bound me to now as a non-member, a contract they have breached. The contract says that even unsigned, I may attend Sunday morning worship services yet after one meltdown that did not actually happen at church therefore did not disrupt church, they barred me from attending worship and threatened police force. The contract also says that if I violate any boundaries that the church session must conduct official church discipline (again they did NOT). 

The meltdown? Tom exacerbated it when he broke a promise to me by acting before explaining. Which he has now done again which is now why after nearly a month I am finally telling the truth about what happened.

Tom kept saying words that hurt me. It was when he attached the friendship to it though that things got worse.

I was already in a meltdown from all kinds of things including what Tom said.

Tom then exacerbated things. Is it possible that I overreacted? Yes. But he also knows he was at fault when he exacerbated things. 

I got in my car after trying to find someone to talk with me through the initial crisis of what Tom did to exacerbate things. I started my car and checked my messages. That's when giant Gordon approached my car. I was about to leave after checking my messages and he approached my car. I trusted him to help, not make things worse. Tom claimed that I dragged him into it, but I didn't. He approached me after I had already started my car. He then detained me until after a friend and her son drove up to ask me to lunch. 

Tom told my mom that he recognized that it was after my diagnosis that things at the church got worse. He actually wrote that as well. 

He also claimed I asked SR to go to the bathroom with me. I did not. I was already on my way to the bathroom when she ran into me also going to the bathroom. In the bathroom, she noticed I was distressed. She offered assistance I needed when I needed it and helped defuse a meltdown. She did the right thing. 

Tom was supposed to talk with me about what happened but before he had a chance to do so, I got a phone call saying I couldn't return to church and police force would be used if I did. 

So after having gone to the one person who worked on conflict resolution with Tom and me in the past, and doing what I was instructed by Gordon, and Tom's half-hearted attempt to explain what he did after the fact that he exacerbated the meltdown, they jumped straight to that?

So I contacted the higher authority. I asked what can be done if a church skips the entire order of church discipline and jumps straight to barring a person from worship? 

I wrote this:

"When Tom Patton asked if I believe in church discipline, here is what I finally got around to saying:

'U asked if I believe in church discipline. I believe if church discipline is done according to the outline in Matthew 18, then it is reasonable to perhaps shun a person, but never to bar them from worship b/c God might actually use worship to bring the person back around. I was NEVER brought under church discipline as a member nor a nonmember and so this is skipping all the way to the last step. And if that keys to the kingdom thing means that a person is going to hell then is that not assuming that man can somehow judge a person's heart? Tom, either I misunderstood you or the church definitely screwed up this time? Or both?'

"His response:

'Both

Turn off ur brain'"

I asked for a meeting. The e-mail was forwarded and the leaders retaliated by threatening to fire Tom for being my friend. All because I asked for help.

The leaders at that church have a pattern of doing that.

Tom wrote a very beautifully worded honest letter to advocate for me when I had to do court last month (probably the biggest disruption and factor in the meltdown).

I am going to share the two paragraphs that are relevant and even acknowledge how the church's document was misguided. 

These also make me cry because it seemed like he finally got it, yet his actions of last night proved that neither he nor that church will ever get it.

He wrote: 

"Susan is extremely bright. The first couple of years that I dealt with her, I struggled to understand why she would respond or react so strongly in certain situations and circumstances. After the diagnosis, it became abundantly clear. Susan does not handle stress or ambiguity or confrontation well. In an effort to help "mainstream" Susan, our church formed a small care team to work with her and coach her. Over more than a year, that team spent innumerable hours trying to help Susan grow in a number of areas. They sought to coach her towards developing a number of socialization skills. She struggled the whole time and in the end left the church in frustration. In some ways, I think our expectations were askew. It was as if we were asking a paraplegic to walk.

"Susan has capacities and capabilities but she does have tremendous struggles with social interaction. Those challenges are magnified when she is put in stressful, demanding or highly relational contexts. Others struggle as well because they don't know how to relate to her in a helpful manner. It has been our experience that this compounds the stress and frustration on both sides and can become quite counter-productive."

Tom was spot on in that. Too bad he failed to remember it when they retaliated against him and when he chose to violate the compromise and thus cause permanent damage which now means that the chance of relational restoration may be impossible now save for attorneys to walk everyone through where they went wrong and work on arbitration with them before they have a chance to hurt and abuse and bully more people with autism and other special needs. 

Jesus talks about the least of these in Matthew 25. According to that passage, the leaders at Oak Mountain are goats. 

How can you effectively minister and do missions when you fail to exercise your mission statement to share grace and show grace to all? You can't. 

It is with a very sad heart that I am writing this. One that has been broken beyond repair. 

And because of Tom's actions of last night where he violated the compromise he made with me altogether even though I had diligently kept my end of it, now there is another chance that he could still lose his job if and when the leaders retaliate against him and me again. 

But maybe he needs that this time because maybe then it will open his eyes to his own mistakes in all of this.

You see, I have a whole lot of people who rallied for a meeting to happen between Tom and myself. ONE meeting for closure. ONE meeting that could have prevented this blog post from being done, attorneys being contacted, letters to both the session giving them a chance to correct their mistakes and the presbytery showing where the church went wrong and filing an official complaint and asking for a court. But he refused. Repeatedly. He did not do II Corinthians 13:11. He did not do Matthew 18. And now because of him, the truth is out there and he has damaged the church in more ways than I could ever even begin. 

Are there consequences to this post? Probably. But I don't expect that the biggest consequences will be to me at this point because I really have nothing else to lose since Tom did what he did last night. 

ALL of this could have been avoided if Tom had just talked with me though. If he had just shown grace and talked with me. 

But he didn't and they didn't. And they probably never will.

Jesus is sad today.

Because when Oak Mountain denied the least of these and abused the least of these, they denied and abused Jesus. 

Is there ever going to be a truly SAFE church for adults with autism? 

Because that's what we need.