Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I Really Am Human After All

Autism. Whoo hoo! Well, not all the time. But why do I title this post as I do? Maybe because for the first time this month, I have actually shown emotions that "people with autism don't have." Stupid misconceptions and even more stupid people who actually believe the misconceptions as opposed to actually getting to know the person. After all autism is a spectrum disorder which means no two of us will be the exact same! A rainbow is a spectrum of colors, right? It's not all blue or green or purple or whatever color. Right?

This month I have encountered love. Not love from friends. But love for a person who is not a friend. A crush if you would. Yep.

Today, I am experiencing my first jealousy. Toward a friend because he has a happy occasion this weekend and I lost my friend because of it which isn't fair that I lose my friend just because of the occasion. So there, I have jealousy. An no, it doesn't feel good. But until my friend talks with me and helps me process through this new emotion, I can't do anything about it. It's already a nightmare. Or a daymare.

Because now I have jealousy on top of the anxiety I already have because he'll be leaving soon for almost two weeks and I don't know if I will get to say good-bye to him before he leaves, and I know when he's gone I won't get to talk to him at all, an I also don't know if we will get to have a visit when he gets back because we haven't scheduled anything yet and he didn't call yesterday like he was supposed to and now I'm just scared because I don't know if we will ever talk again because he screwed up this week and I don't know if we're still friends anymore.

The only way we can move past this is to talk. WITH EACH OTHER. But if he won't talk to me, then I guess we'll never move past this and that we'll never talk to or see each other ever again and that he was never my friend to start with which will really hurt if that's the case, but what else am I supposed to think? He hasn't exactly been very helpful lately calling my feelings "vain imaginations."

You know what he could've done that probably would've helped things not explode? He probably could've sent a text message explaining that he would not be able to call as previously planned because of whatever the reason but that he would call me on whatever day next week. You know what he could do to help ease the anxiety about him leaving? He could call or text and we could plan a day and time that I could see him and say bye to him before he goes and we could go ahead and tentatively schedule a visit that I could look forward to for as soon as he gets back.

But instead, he hasn't done that and that lack of action has exacerbated things which caused a meltdown.

Now I'm not sorry that I feel these emotions. They are, after all, REAL emotions and they make me human. However, like all humans, I sinned today. But I can't ask for forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. However, if he is my friend, I can hope that he will offer forgiveness anyway.

His turn.

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