Monday, January 13, 2014

Expect Surprises!

Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

I Peter 2:21 - For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.

Dear God, I want to believe that You are with me no matter what and that the safest place to be is by Your side. But when Tom did what he did in the way he did it, even though most people would assert that it was in fact unnecessary and injust, he shook me up in a bad way. It makes me afraid to trust anyone, especially You, because I can't see You. Tom said repeatedly that he would NEVER do what he did yet he did. And the thing is he sits there and talks about grace all the time yet in the one moment that grace was most needed, he didn't show it or act with it. I want to show grace and be able to withdraw the complaint, but I can't until and unless he talks with me and reinstates Facebook. His actions were unjustified. And hurtful. Period. He made excuses for why he did it. And You know what God? They are the most ridiculous excuses ever! Because essentially his excuses sound like a third grader who says, "I don't want to be friends with the new kid because she has different color hair than me or because she wears thrift store clothing to school or because she eats differently or because she is in a wheelchair or lives on a different side of town or whatever...." Any excuse is wrong though. The hurt he put me through was not necessary. And it didn't evidence grace. How can he talk about something yet not demonstrate it equally to everyone? That's called hypocrisy. And You hate hypocrisy. You hate lukewarm. The Pharisees were hypocrites. God, I want to trust You, and right now that either means that Tom and I will talk and I will get to withdraw the complaint because he reinstates things, or it means that the presbytery will go forth with the complaint and he and I will eventually face each other in that format. But either way, I need closure or biblical restoration. I cannot emotionally handle another church until that conversation does happen. Because his church leadership is hypocritical too since they talk about discipline but don't actually do it or apply it equally to everyone and they talk about grace but don't treat everyone equally with grace. The way they act is grace only applies if you are rich and beautiful and have no special needs whatsoever. God, I am sorry for being honest. But You created me with autism and rigid thinking such to the extent that I cannot just sit back and watch anyone break the rules with anyone no matter what and I have to tell people and tell the truth. What they choose to do with the truth is up to them. It's why we always caution new people that if they don't want to know the truth then don't ask me anything because I will spill it and I will call it like I see it or experience it no matter who gets hurt in the process. But God, since You created me this way, there must be a reason for it even if I don't know yet what that is. But if they punish me or hurt me because of how You created me, then are they not essentially punishing You because You're the Creator? Logically speaking that is. Oh dear God, please just bring about the conversation. And help me find a place that will truly love and accept me for me, for who You created me to be exactly how You created me to be, autism and all. Or open the door to a home or other setting where I can invite people in and we can just have a Bible study/church group without fear of rejection for anything, not even our meltdowns and our fidgets and our love and our joy and our compassion and our passion. Churches often just want to see what they want to see, so even just one mistake to them is more than enough, but the thing is they look for mistakes so that they can perceive things how they want to. They don't seem to care about the reality or the truth. Tom knew who I was and he saw the positives in me until one conflict happened and then he chose to ignore the truth and hurt me more and that was unnecessary because all we had to do was talk about things and it would have easily been resolved! Everyone that has any vested interest in me KNOWS that is the truth too. And they all agree that what he did and how he did it was wrong. Period. God, You want me to trust You? Then please bring about the conversation with him. And I will trust You to do that. Because You supposedly have my best interest in mind and You know my heart and my heart's desire right now, and You know I cannot move forward until the conversation happens. So that's where I am trusting You. In Jesus's Name, Amen!

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