Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How?

I am so behind but I have two days to catch up. But I want to pose this question and I welcome any comments in answer.

I am anxious. Because of some information that came to light Monday regarding where my heart is right now. I do not know if reconciliation/restoration or even closure will be able to happen.

But while I am anxious and have many thoughts and questions in my head, I am also feeling that weird calm again. The one that is induced by having seen a consistency with a friend even during a transitional time for me and seeing how he has been consistent with grace and love and mercy and forgiveness and compassion and continues to pursue my friendship. Calm induced by excited anticipation that soon we may get to have some real quality time in person.

I want to say something though. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. In that, I am normal. But I would not desire a magic pill to make my autism go away. Not ever. Because God chose me. And because God chose me, He already knew certain things had to happen. He chose Tom to become a very dear friend to me and with me. He knew Tom could handle things with me because Tom has a big heart. He chose that I would need a few months of non-membership so I could examine my own heart and life and learn some things to prepare for what may lie ahead. And regardless of outcomes, He knows what He's doing even if I don't.

Although grant it, right now I'd be happier if everything were already sorted out.

Oh, and sweat major, but God knew we'd end up with another mouse in the house that I'm beginning to wonder if it might actually be a kangaroo because there is some major noise in the quiet of my house right now!! I'm wishing I had a baseball bat.

So with that note, I'm going to end this post. ILY!!

Friday, February 22, 2013

Zombies

Now why would I have such a title on this blog? Because I have to work through some hard emotions. So this is my way of doing that.

Dear zombie,

My friend, if he still is my friend, well, he has not been very trustworthy lately. He made a promise that was overheard this week and he broke it. But he did not just break his promise, he broke my heart and my spirit. And instead of facing conflict, he brushes it off as being nothing. I feel hurt.

So zombie, I hear you are needing food. Please go eat whatever parts you need from my friend. Because if he broke me then he deserves to be broken too. Then after you do that come find me and eat what you need. Because after you eat the people, they become zombies. So if both Tom and I are zombies, we will finally be the same and there will be no more autism and we have to both respect and honor each other the exact same because we are the same.

Thank you zombie.

Signed,

SE Spann

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Letting Go in Your Heart, or I Hope for a Miracle

Unless a profound miracle happens this weekend, I have to let go of someone who was my first and is my only REAL friend because truth is, he just does not have room or time for me in his life anymore. I do not go to his church anymore and even if I was still at his church, he and I would not even be allowed to be friends because when they gave me that legalistic discriminating document, they essentially barred me from being able to have friends at all. The truth of the matter, if you look up the definition of excommunication in the dictionary, that is what that church did, only they did it without process and they got away with it because no one wanted to listen to me "because I have autism" or to my experts because they did not agree with the experts about my capability.

I do not want to lose my "friend," but I do not know what else to do. He always has an excuse for breaking his promise to call me that week or for never having time to be able to find a time and a place so we can talk in person. We have had no quality time as friends and whatever friendship there may be seems to be sinking before it has even had a chance.

As to my jar I started for him, I guess this is it. It does not seem the friendship will make it to the end of this month let alone to Christmas.

And as much as it hurts to say this, if this friendship does not survive, I do not think I want to continue to pursue God anymore either because in my pursuit of God, I lost the first and only person who even bothered to try to stay friends with me since I left the legalistic church to find a safe place for adults with special needs.

Oh yeah. My mother is seeking out a document to protect me. I cannot really make my own financial or major medical decisions. So she researched power of attorney. But they asked for a second person should something happen to her. I chose this friend because he is really the ONLY person who knows how to pull me out of a shutdown. Why? Because he does not talk down on me like I am a baby just because I have autism but nor does he talk over my head just because he knows my physical age is in the 30s. He understands me.

That is why if I lose him as a friend and if he and I cannot get things worked out, I will want to quit God too.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Second Month Days 9 Through 12

God is a treasure we are to hunt, but the journey will not be easy. (Dear God, let me not forget that You are the greatest treasure of all. Yes, finances are important, but they are not as important as You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Remember Mary and Martha? Mary sat at the feet of Jesus listening to Him and enjoying His presence while Martha was all busy busy busy! But Martha got scolded. What are you doing that causes you to be so busy? Are you so busy that you barely have time for God let alone for yourself, your family, your friends? Stop. Make time for God and He will reward you and make your time less busy and more productive. (Dear God, I pray that my friend Tom will be able to have time to not be busy, but to be productive and to have time to just stop and enjoy You, his family and his friends (including me) who can encourage him and be a breath of fresh air for him during this busy time this week. In Jesus' Name, Amen.)

Are you having a dark time? Look closely! God's peace is a light that breaks through that darkness! Take courage!

God knows your every thought and your thoughts are precious to Him! That nice new car or those nice shiny blingy-blings will not make you as happy as the commercials say. Only God can fulfill that innermost longing.

Dear God, we are living in a me-me-me world that says if we want to be happy we need to look a certain way, do a certain thing, drive a certain car, be some mathematical or creative genius, like a certain thing, etc. But until we delight in You, we will never be fully content. I am guilty of this. Sometimes I place more value on certain people than I do on You. Sometimes I let people try to change me into something I am not, someone You didn't create me to be. And it frustrates me. You created me perfectly in design even though in nature, I am but a broken reflection of You. I'm sorry that I sometimes idolize my friends, particularly Tom. I still love him and still hold a high value of him, but he should not be more valuable than You. And I thank You that he is teaching me that as he also is teaching me about true friendship. It's definitely a struggle! But I take more comfort as I am learning to rest in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.



Saturday, February 9, 2013

Second Month Days 5 Through 8

There will always be something that you will worry about: a big test, a new job, a big move, friends, family, health, money, weather, etc. But worrying can make you even more afraid and anxious. You can choose to worry or choose to trust God. In exchange for your worry, God will give you peace. So what are you worried about today?

Are you tired and weary? Go to Jesus. He will give you rest. Lift your hands in prayer to God and rest in His presence and His peace.

Pay attention to God and His direction for you. It won't be easy because there will be distractions: kids, pets, television, friends, telephone, Internet, etc. The devil will work to distract you from your focus on God. Does it seem like nothing is going right for you? God will use it for good. God is in control.

Are you in the middle of a storm in your life? Refocus. Look beyond the storm. Look to Jesus. And reach out in trust as you say, "Help me, Jesus!" Let Him pull you through the storm.

Dear God, help me! Help me feel Your calm peace. Even now as I have so many worries: doctors, finances, Tom, other friends, church-help me Jesus. I don't know all You have planned for me right now. Help me to feel rest and peace as I trust You more and more each day to work everything for my good. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Second Month Days 3 and 4

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Are you worried or anxious? What are you focusing on? Today is a gift from God and He already knows what will happen! Take a breath and refocus on God.

Do you have self-doubt? Do you feel like you're just not good enough or that no one cares? Stop comparing yourself to others! God made you the way He wanted you! Don't worry about what others think. Walk with God.

Dear God, I AM worried! I am worried about Tom and about not getting to talk to my friend. I am worried about not getting to see him ever again because of BUSY-ness. I am worried that he is TOO busy. I am worried about finances. Will we have enough to make it through another month of bills and doctors? Thank You God for creating me how YOU wanted me to be. Autism explains me, but it doesn't define me. The people who can look past the autism and see me as You made me and love me for who I am, who I was created to be, are the ones who point me back to You when I lose focus-people like Tom and my mom. The ones who try to change me or focus on my autism but fail to see me and love me for who I am, for who You created me to be, are not worth trying to compete with. Forgive me for getting so frustrated that I say I wish I didn't have autism or that I hate how You made me. Refocus my eyes, my heart on You. Help me. Refocus each of our eyes and hearts so we can rest in the peace that You are in control of everything, all the way from how our white blood cells work to how a missions conference will go. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

By the way, God, I love Your humor. Wal-mart has two piece swimsuits on sale now (before Valentine's Day), and in Alabama, we will surely have one last cold snap the first weekend in April. Hehe.

Monday, February 4, 2013

A Simple Prayer

Dear God,

Bless my friend Tom as he prepares for an upcoming missions conference. Help him stay sane and get some rest. Help him get some breaks in the chaos even if just a few minutes at a time. Help me to continue to trust that he will still be there and won't forget me.

Please God, my family is in a financial crunch. Help us make ends meet, afford medicine, utilities, doctors, lab tests, food, therapy, and transportation. Give us peace and rest as we still battle for answers to why I keep getting sick. We may be having to have a bone marrow biopsy this year. Help me stay calm in Your strength as we gear up for this possibility.

There are others who are worse off even than my family even though I may not anyone personally. Help me to remember that when I feel disgruntled and want to complain.

Thank You God for Jesus. Thank You for loving the unlovable enough to show grace when we really did nothing to deserve that.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Second Month Days 1 and 2

Do you have a mountain in your life right now? You might not be able to see around it. You can't see over it. It looks like an obstacle. Don't focus on the mountain. Focus on where your feet are landing now. God might take the mountain out of your path. And if He doesn't, He will help you climb the mountain. His angels will help protect you. (Psalm 91:11-12)

Where are your thoughts today? Have they started wandering? Maybe you're worried about the day ahead or even the week ahead? Maybe you're even worried about your friends and feeling like an outcast. Focus on God. He is there. Even in the small things. Do you hear a bird singing, a baby cooing? Do you see a friend's smile, a rainbow, a snowflake? Do you feel safe and secure, peace? God is in those things. He has you on His mind today and wants you to have Him on your mind as well.

Dear God, I see a mountain and I am scared, but thank You for leading me, one step at a time, on the path where You want me to be. Help me to remember and to see Your face in the big and small ways. The day I feel alone and I suddenly hear the quacking of my phone and see Tom's name on the screen and hear his voice reassuring me of a friendship that is starting to grow? Help me to remember that You orchestrated that. Help me to remember Your presence when the storm passes over and my family is safe from harm. Help me in the renewing of my mind. When the rest of the world is trying to tear people down by saying such spiteful and arrogant things about others (like the current president or like the law enforcement trying to rescue that little boy in south Alabama), help to remember You and to not lash out at those saying the things, but to remember instead that Your hand is in the current events of the day. Change my mind and change my heart. Renew my spirit. Right now I am sad because I haven't seen Tom in so long. And I worry about being forgotten. But help me to know and to trust that we will see each other again soon when his schedule clears up a little bit more an to trust that we are still friends regardless. Help me in that process to remember You when I see the tiny flower peeking through or the ray of sunshine poking through the clouds. Thank You for Your work that You are already doing in me as I blog my adventures in what I am learning through the help of Jesus Calling Kids and Teen. It is just one of the many ways You help me to refocus on You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Days 29 through 31

Take captive every thought. God created us in His image. Part of that means we have the capacity for higher thoughts.

Be careful about your thoughts. Worried thoughts can run away with you and quickly become idols as they take your eyes off of God.

God is our strength and shield. He already has our day planned. So we should be anxious for nothing and trust in Him.

Dear God, Forgive me for being anxious when I should be trusting You. Forgive me for not trusting that Tom was and is still my friend. Forgive me for my anxious thoughts and letting those anxious thoughts control me. And thank You for allowing me to make it 31 days (32) into a new year filled with many things that may want to cause me anxiety. Help me to trust You completely that everything will work out as You have planned. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
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