Wednesday, July 25, 2012

God's Plan or Mine?

Haha. I did not ask for what has happened lately. I am now back in physical therapy along with autism therapy among other things. We are still tricking my immune system through allergy shots that I now have to get every week without fail. But my left hip/pelvic joint came out of place and has thrown my bad knee and leg for a loop. And to top that, my right wrist, my dominant hand, is being ornery. Haha. I always wanted to practice more with my left hand so I can write with it almost as legibly. Guess what? I now have to. As for the autism, I wish people would stop using it as an excuse to exclude me from being involved with activities and things. Hello! Autism doesn't keep me from being able to do anything. Ignorance and lack of understanding or refusing to learn about it which leads to fear does. You know where I am now in the journey of the diagnosis? Embracing everything. I am not afraid of living life. I am not afraid of being with people. Yes, it presents challenges, but the challenges only get harder the more others exclude me. Autism has no physical signs. It is not contagious. So don't treat me like I am something to be feared. I want what everyone wants. I want to be loved and accepted. Not forced to conform to everyone else, the so-called normal people, but loved and accepted for me, as one of God's uniquely gifted people able to serve in the church, the community, the world. I'm not being rude, self-centered, or indignant if I don't look at you when you talk to me. I can't look at you and communicate because it hurts. Case in point, I am a personal story now. 3D films are bad. They have too much sensory stimulus. I have sensory and texture issues. I love music but at church it gets too loud and I feel the vibrations more than I hear the sound. It bothers me. I went to the Belk store at the Summit. I nearly fell out. The upper floor was too much stimulus. I can't stand scratchy material. It is like kryptoite. Cooked vegetables? Not happening. They tend to be too slimy. I can't do a lot of cooking because of texture issues. I didn't plan any of this. God did. For some reason, He CHOSE me to have autism, ADHD, and everything else I have. Maybe He chose me to teach others about people like myself. Maybe He put me at the church where I am now to right the wrong that churches commit when it comes to people who have special needs like me. Maybe He wants churches to open their eyes and to truly see Him through me and others like me. They don't call us PURE for nothing. Fresh honesty. Fresh joy. Fresh love. Uninhibited by fear and anxiety. Uninhibited because we have a different point of view. Autism. Two worlds collide. The personal world and the outer people world. I have a friend. She waltzed into my life and it left me vulnerable to having others enter in as well. Now I am losing my friend. And I am shaken. You see, this summer, God took a pastor and brought some new person in that I haven't even met yet in at the same time. Everyone says pastor will come back but I am worried. What if he doesn't or can't? Three months is forever! But he's not back and I am losing one of the only constants I have had most of the summer! I lost it. I tried to get control. In doing so, I fought and I tried to push people away. So much for that. That was even more scary! So for now, God's plan or mine? Not mine, but not quite His either. Not yet anyway. For now, God sits beside me and guides me, but I'm not ready to let Him have full control. I'm still too scared. Anyway, if anyone from my team stumbles on this, that's what my thoughts are right now and I invite you wholeheartedly to come and take my hands and walk with me as little by little, I start to let go and let God.
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