Psalm 27

The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation 

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 

When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. 

One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. 

For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. 

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, Lord, do I seek." Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. 

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! 

Dear God,

What would You have me learn from this passage? You are light. You are salvation. You are a stronghold. If I truly believe these things about You, then I should not be afraid. My enemies will stumble and fall. I can trust You to protect me even when the battle rages around me and against me. God, I ask again that You continue to intervene on behalf of the least of these with regard to healthcare and budgets. And I thank You that You have taken me in when my human father abandoned me. God, help me as I learn to wait for You. Help me to be strong. Help my heart to feel courageous. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

Psalm 25

Teach Me Your Paths

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. 

For your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.

Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me to be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

Dear God, 

What would You have me learn from this passage? You will teach me Your paths and lead me in Your truth. You are the God of my salvation. You are merciful. Your love is steadfast. You are faithful. You are gracious. God, You know that which troubles me. You know my heart. You know my fears. You have a heart for the least of these. You will not allow republicans to take away their access to healthcare. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

I Will Never Fail You

"His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." - Psalm 147:10-11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - I John 4:16

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look at the earth beneath; for the heavens vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment, and they who dwell in it will die in like manner; but my salvation will be forever, and my righteousness will never be dismayed." - Isaiah 51:6

Dear God, 

Your love never fails. Failure is everywhere in this world. People make mistakes, people lie, and people let me down. I also make mistakes and bad choices. A love that never fails is hard to understand. You are God. You are perfect. You are forever. Yet You came down to earth as a tiny baby. You grew up here on earth. You know everything I'm going through. You understand. Your mercies never stop. Your salvation and goodness will never end. You are pleased with those who trust Your love and You will never let me down.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

The Price I Paid

Isaiah 61:10 - I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Isaiah 61:10 (NLT) - I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness.

II Corinthians 5:21 - For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Ephesians 4:20-24 - But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to out off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Dear God, thank You for clothing me with salvation and righteousness and love and forgiveness. Thank You for paying the great price of clothing me with Your grace and mercy. Oh how the clothing of love flows! Oh how gorgeous and soft the clothing of forgiveness! How warm the clothing of salvation and righteousness! It truly is the only clothing that was made just for me! There is no price tag on it because I can do nothing and I cannot pay enough for it. How majestic Your clothing makes me feel! Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Even Churches and Church Leaders Make Mistakes

Well, duh, even churches and church leaders make mistakes. They are flawed human beings with all the bad qualities from the fall intertwined with the good qualities. It's what they do after making the mistakes that is important. There are two sides to every conflict that will arise as a result of a church being made up of flawed people, but the solution is not to sweep things under a rug and pretend they are not there. A writer writes what they know, what they experience, and that is what I do. How people choose to interpret things is out of my control. But I have never once NOT admitted my role. However, I am tired of the fact that I am not the only one at fault yet I am the only one being punished. And I look up the meaning of excommunication and essentially, the church has ALREADY done exactly that WITHOUT having exercised the biblical process of church discipline FIRST with the FIRST step being the original "offended party" directly going to his/her brother/sister. So my decision was to escalate the matter up. And ask for an appointed mediator because in all honest, this problem CAN be settled through mediation and be settled nicely and fairly if a proper mediator handles it. In truth, I have tried for months to get them to follow through with what they teach people that they practice, and they have not done so yet. And now, there have been a few false accusations on their part with regard to me and a threat. But the worst is that they have already violated the process.

And I have to say, that in the midst of this, something lifechanging is happening. This past Sunday, as the God of Hosea was described as being a God who pursues those He chooses and loves those who He chooses, I heard for the FIRST time EVER loudly and clearly that there is a God who cares. And He has been pursuing me. Hard. In the strangest of ways. And I want THAT God. I NEED THAT God. I don't have THAT God. I need help getting to THAT God.

At this juncture the church is either going to make another mistake that could cause a pretty serious loss of the potential to bring someone to the God I heard about Sunday and push that person FURTHER AWAY FROM that God or they could slow down considering the recent revelation has occurred and lead someone CLOSER TO that God described Sunday.

But being the nature that flawed human beings are, yes, even churches and church leaders make mistakes. It's how they handle those mistakes that can make or break things.

As to my own mistakes, I have apologized and will apologize even now thus making my apology as public as whoever reads this post. I am asking forgiveness of those who are directly involved and those who have been vicariously (not sure if that's the right word) involved. I ask forgiveness of those who have put their neck on the line in their effort to help me resolve the conflict that he caused. I ask forgiveness of those who have stood behind me, with me, and beside me and have not given up on me and have been my rocks, encouragers, and Switzerlands. This should never have been allowed to escalate to this point, but this is a matter of leaders make mistakes too. And, it is the duty of any human being when they see a potentially devastating mistake occurring with a leader to point that out. My method may not be the best, but it is the only one I have since they refuse to hear me out or to acknowledge me. And for that, I apologize only for my chosen method of airing things out with regard to my grievances about these mistakes. I have asked for the time and the opportunity to be able to air them in a more appropriate manner and they have repeatedly refused. So here it is, hopefully for the last time because hopefully they have finally gotten their wake up call. I know I have, and that was the fact that I NEED the God that was described Sunday because THAT is the God that has been pursuing me.

Huge Announcement Post StadiumFest

First thing, if you missed StadiumFest this year, it was totally AWESOME! I got assigned to an inflatable - a slide - over in the Bronner Burgess Children's Play Area. Seeing the children have fun on it was a highlight. Bello, well, let's just say, he scared me. That man is absolutely crazy! Climbing to the top of some 90 foot sway pole. The minute he got to the top, I panicked. Did not see him come down the thing head first as I kept covering my eyes most of the time while he was up there. I'd sooner face a snake or a spider than watch that kind of stunt. Yikes!

Hearing Rick and Bubba give their testimonies. I was amazed. Befuddled, but amazed. I forget which one referenced the age of accountability, but as I have learned, there is no age of accountability. It's not Biblical! In the grand scheme of learning more about predestination, God knows exactly who and when someone will finally accept His pursuit of them and become a Christian. But they still had great stories.

Casting Crowns. I'm not much into their music. They have the same flavor as MercyMe. And their music is not really up my stream. But Casting Crowns was great. They sang "Praise You in This Storm." Mark Hall wrote it as he was going through some hard stuff involving his adopted daughter, who like me, has a lot of medical challenges to face. His story about his daughter really hit close to home and gave me a new source of inspiration. And believe it or not, this really stiff Presbyterian actually raised her hands WAY up during some of the songs that Casting Crowns did. Good luck getting me to actually do that at church though. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Oh my word. All I could think is when is TobyMac coming out, right? TobyMac was my highlight. Sort of, but I'll explain in a few paragraphs about the sort of. They brought Bello out again. Let's just say, the difference in seeing him on top of that pole in broad daylight and then at night, well, something about the night does really make things much scarier and more intense. Absolutely could not watch this time around. Those hands shot over my eyes allowing for only a small peek. You know like how when young children get uncomfortable when two people on the screen start kissing? Yep.

Finally, TobyMac. Let's just say, I wasn't the only one who nearly burst at the seams. Funny thing was that near where I was seated/standing, there was a family with teenagers and their mom was more excited about TobyMac than I was, and I was like a giddy school girl when he came out. Yep. I actually squealed in delight! If you have never heard me emit that high-pitched squeal before, good luck getting it out of me.

And I know he reads his Facebook fan page! I actually had posted that if he sang "Made to Love," "Get Back Up," and "City on Our Knees," that it would be the highlight for me. Guess what? He sang ALL three of those songs! He did songs off every one of his albums and quite a few off his newest album. And one of the culminating songs was a throwback to DCTalk days - "Jesus Freak." When he finished "City on Our Knees," he spun off with "Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city." Instantly I thought of my church and my pastor, who absolutely loves the message of that song. Sadly, TobyMac wrapped us up with "Sha na na na, hey hey hey, good-bye." I think I actually wanted to cry at this point because I did not want the night to end.

By the way, I reapplied sunblock every two hours. Came out with seven sun burned patches. I did not know I had to put the stuff on my ears. And I think I may have gotten the darkest I'll ever get on my arms, but mostly I have more freckles. Ugh. God's design though. Fair skinned, red-haired people are not made for the sun. And wearing ear plugs. Uncomfortable little things, but with a mild hearing loss, I saved whatever hearing I have left. There's a reason God made a worrywort.

One thing that concerned me. My church does not do altar calls. I could kind of understand why after witnessing no fewer than four of them at StadiumFest. The emotions are high at those kind of events, so if you have altar calls, how many of those professions of faith are genuine? And how do altar calls fit in the grand scheme of predestination? And Scott Dawson made it sound as though if you prayed the prayer and did not go forward that you were somehow sinning. So of course, I have some confusion.

But I said I had a huge announcement.

I went into StadiumFest as a volunteer. Thank you Facebook advertisements. But I had some serious doubts about my own salvation going in. So, during one of those calls, I did pray that little prayer. I did not go forward, but I did pray. And the majority of my doubts are gone.

Now if only I could help make things right with some friends and all of us could see restoration, I think everything might start looking brighter. There's a prodigal who wants to come home and a little lost lamb who wants to return to the flock. She just needs to know that it's okay.

Dark Night of the Soul

I keep wondering about the expression "dark night of the soul." It's not just a Presbyterian term. A lot of people from a lot of denominations describe having them. For what it's worth, it is even mentioned in many non-religious literary works.

So then I wonder, what is the dark night of the soul?

I guess to some degree, it would vary by the individual affected. For me, I would say that feeling dejected and alone, rejected and unwanted, unloved and falling into the stage in which I want to hurt myself physically or start pushing people away who really do love and care about me and have stayed with me through a difficult time despite my pushing back is probably my dark night of the soul. It's when I have to fight the hardest to not sink into that bottomless pit of despair.

And if that's the dark night of the soul for me then I'm there now and it seems like I've been there for the past two months. I'm trying to shelter. I'm trying to go into a very slimy bubble where no one can access me. Where no one can hurt me. And it hurts even more sometimes than the original hurt that was inflicted upon me to start with.

All I know is that I am not in a good place emotionally right now. And it is no surprise that it feels like that is starting to overarch itself into my faith and tear me down.

Ever since the original hurt got inflicted, I have been down a whirlwind path questioning my salvation. Do I really have it? Only to be met with one final conclusive answer: Yes because if I did not have it, I would not be  asking if I had it because I would not care. Since no one seeks God out of their own volition and will (the doctrine of predestination and effectual calling), then no one would care about whether or not he/she was saved if he/she was not already saved.

But that does not make things any easier.