Ugly Thoughts and Things

"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or frustrated." - Hebrews 12:3

"This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." -  Psalm 34:6-7

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Dear God,

The ugliness of what is happening in this world, the ugliness coming from the Republican Party with regard to the least of these and healthcare for the disabled is tiresome. It is frustrating. I can choose what to think about. Please help me. Show me Your light and Your love. If I am thinking about last mistakes, help me to move on. Forgive me. And help me to forgive myself. Those ugly thoughts sure do like to sneak up on me! God, You have control. Show Yourself. Intervene on behalf of the least of these. Do not let the republicans throw them off comprehensive insurance plans. Do not let them hurt the least of these.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

A Second Chance

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and a bride adorns herself with her jewels."Isaiah 61:10

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

Dear God,

Your love never ends. Your mercies never stop and are new every morning. This means I get to try again every day and that my mistakes from the previous day are erased when I give them to You and ask for forgiveness. Today is a new day with a fresh start. Your love will never end. 

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

I Will Never Fail You

"His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." - Psalm 147:10-11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - I John 4:16

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look at the earth beneath; for the heavens vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment, and they who dwell in it will die in like manner; but my salvation will be forever, and my righteousness will never be dismayed." - Isaiah 51:6

Dear God, 

Your love never fails. Failure is everywhere in this world. People make mistakes, people lie, and people let me down. I also make mistakes and bad choices. A love that never fails is hard to understand. You are God. You are perfect. You are forever. Yet You came down to earth as a tiny baby. You grew up here on earth. You know everything I'm going through. You understand. Your mercies never stop. Your salvation and goodness will never end. You are pleased with those who trust Your love and You will never let me down.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Dear God, everything that happened between Tom and me was over mistakes. Although we cannot undo the mistakes that occurred, I can trust You to bring things together for good. In other words, reconciliation and restoration is still something that can happen when he is ready. It is not a lost cause and it is not a lost hope. Matter of fact, right now, I put the past into Your hands. I will not look back. I will ahead at what You will do to bring about the good. No one can undo the past no matter how hard they try. Thank You for loving me enough to work things together for good. Thank You for hearing me. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Sufficient Grace and Always Present

Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

II Corinthians 4:6-7 - For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

II Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I Peter 3:3-4 : Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing–but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Dear God, thank You that Your power is made perfect in my autism, my immune deficiency, my sensory issues, my ADHD, my GI issues, my weaknesses in general. Thank You for never leaving me or forsaking me. I am only human. I make mistakes. It is what I do through those mistakes that determines who I am and how You are working in and through my life. Forgiving Tom or offering him forgiveness if he also will forgive me took a lot of You working in and through me to do. It was not just me, but Your power through my weakness. Trusting You is the harder part though. Thank You for all You do. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Watch to See What I Will Do

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Dear God, I am glad that You often forgive and overlook and use the mistakes in life. And You actually let people make mistakes yet never stop loving them. First mistake with Tom and he turned into an ugly, hateful monster who didn't follow Your command to seek peace and restoration. First mistake with his church and they never let go of it and never showed the grace they claim to practice. And for what is worth, autism is not a mistake and neither am I. They degraded and devalued me as a person. They made mistakes yet they failed to own up to them and they blamed me for their mistakes. God, You are gracious and loving and forgiving and just and merciful and wise. You care about me. You would never hurt me like Tom did. And I know You want for Tom and I to talk. I know You want me to write that letter and offer him the grace You have given me and give him that chance. And I know You want me to offer his counterparts the same opportunity. Thank You for Your loving kindness. In Jesus' Name, Amen! 

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North (YouTube)

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here? 

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love."

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you? 

Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems that you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel, 

But He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You've been remade

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

Days 5 and 6

Dear God, I cannot see how You can grow me through my mistakes or how Your power could be possibly be at work in my life right now. Tom just said something that was so much more hurtful than the worst thing I could ever say to anyone. For His words mirrored exactly the negative words I heard from the church since they sent me for testing and got back the autism diagnosis. And those words are that I will NEVER be able to.... Never be able to do.... Never be able to have.... Never be able to be.... Right now I hate how You created me and I hate having autism. If Tom gives up on me, I don't feel comfortable continuing in relationship with You God because I am absolutely honestly afraid You will do the same thing. I'm sorry God. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Even Churches and Church Leaders Make Mistakes

Well, duh, even churches and church leaders make mistakes. They are flawed human beings with all the bad qualities from the fall intertwined with the good qualities. It's what they do after making the mistakes that is important. There are two sides to every conflict that will arise as a result of a church being made up of flawed people, but the solution is not to sweep things under a rug and pretend they are not there. A writer writes what they know, what they experience, and that is what I do. How people choose to interpret things is out of my control. But I have never once NOT admitted my role. However, I am tired of the fact that I am not the only one at fault yet I am the only one being punished. And I look up the meaning of excommunication and essentially, the church has ALREADY done exactly that WITHOUT having exercised the biblical process of church discipline FIRST with the FIRST step being the original "offended party" directly going to his/her brother/sister. So my decision was to escalate the matter up. And ask for an appointed mediator because in all honest, this problem CAN be settled through mediation and be settled nicely and fairly if a proper mediator handles it. In truth, I have tried for months to get them to follow through with what they teach people that they practice, and they have not done so yet. And now, there have been a few false accusations on their part with regard to me and a threat. But the worst is that they have already violated the process.

And I have to say, that in the midst of this, something lifechanging is happening. This past Sunday, as the God of Hosea was described as being a God who pursues those He chooses and loves those who He chooses, I heard for the FIRST time EVER loudly and clearly that there is a God who cares. And He has been pursuing me. Hard. In the strangest of ways. And I want THAT God. I NEED THAT God. I don't have THAT God. I need help getting to THAT God.

At this juncture the church is either going to make another mistake that could cause a pretty serious loss of the potential to bring someone to the God I heard about Sunday and push that person FURTHER AWAY FROM that God or they could slow down considering the recent revelation has occurred and lead someone CLOSER TO that God described Sunday.

But being the nature that flawed human beings are, yes, even churches and church leaders make mistakes. It's how they handle those mistakes that can make or break things.

As to my own mistakes, I have apologized and will apologize even now thus making my apology as public as whoever reads this post. I am asking forgiveness of those who are directly involved and those who have been vicariously (not sure if that's the right word) involved. I ask forgiveness of those who have put their neck on the line in their effort to help me resolve the conflict that he caused. I ask forgiveness of those who have stood behind me, with me, and beside me and have not given up on me and have been my rocks, encouragers, and Switzerlands. This should never have been allowed to escalate to this point, but this is a matter of leaders make mistakes too. And, it is the duty of any human being when they see a potentially devastating mistake occurring with a leader to point that out. My method may not be the best, but it is the only one I have since they refuse to hear me out or to acknowledge me. And for that, I apologize only for my chosen method of airing things out with regard to my grievances about these mistakes. I have asked for the time and the opportunity to be able to air them in a more appropriate manner and they have repeatedly refused. So here it is, hopefully for the last time because hopefully they have finally gotten their wake up call. I know I have, and that was the fact that I NEED the God that was described Sunday because THAT is the God that has been pursuing me.