I Will Never Fail You

"His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." - Psalm 147:10-11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." - I John 4:16

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look at the earth beneath; for the heavens vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment, and they who dwell in it will die in like manner; but my salvation will be forever, and my righteousness will never be dismayed." - Isaiah 51:6

Dear God, 

Your love never fails. Failure is everywhere in this world. People make mistakes, people lie, and people let me down. I also make mistakes and bad choices. A love that never fails is hard to understand. You are God. You are perfect. You are forever. Yet You came down to earth as a tiny baby. You grew up here on earth. You know everything I'm going through. You understand. Your mercies never stop. Your salvation and goodness will never end. You are pleased with those who trust Your love and You will never let me down.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Frenetic Friday

Okay. So I did the interview. No job. At least I tried and got practice. I wasn't exactly meshing with this particular one anyway. I'm not sure why. Not exactly. It may not even be on my end. Am I disappointed? Slightly. But I'm okay. It means I wasn't quite ready yet. I'm fine. 

On the medical front? Awaiting test results, follow up with the oncologist next week, and plan treatment approach. My white blood count is finally in normal range after SIX YEARS and now we're watching those IgGs and subclasses again to see if I can benefit from and we can persuade insurance to cover infusions. We knew it was coming. It may be the last option short of bone marrow biopsy. 

I miss Tom!! About right now, he's probably sleeping or about to wake up tomorrow because the other side of the globe is almost a whole day ahead of us! But now I know how Santa Claus does it all in one night!! I think? I will be jumping for joy when I hear him again! Seriously! One more week....

What Happens When Your Expectations Are Already Low?

Last week, I wrote about dealing with disappointment. And I did end up lowering expectations based on a pattern. But I'm at a point now where I lower the expectations anymore, there won't be any friendship with this person.

We both have repeatedly messed up, but consistently, I am left feeling neglected by this person.

First, I am going to speak in his defense based on repeated conversations. Yes, he is married and although I would not technically call his wife a friend right now, I can relate to her and if she chose to be a friend with me, I am definitely all for that. But because of technicalities that existed before, this was something that would have been a guarded area. So I honestly don't know how to define her right now.

As to friendship with him, based on countless conversations, neither of us are worried about anything inappropriate coming up. Matter of fact, I think that may be the advantage of autism.

But to some people, they think he is in the wrong. Because of the autism.

I am actually defending him right now. Nothing has happened not will anything happen. I trust him better than I would trust my biological father. So by comparison on that fact alone, I know I don't need to worry about him.

However, as to the friendship, I have felt neglected. He does always SEEM to be distracted when he talks with me on the phone or I feel like I'm just an afterthought. Maybe he doesn't mean to do this, but I just don't know anymore.

His "every other day" boundary is simply not working very well at all. There are days that are supposed to be my days on which he is apparently TOO busy to even bother to take two minutes to talk.

The other day, he commented how it seems I never feel like we're done talking and therefore cannot seem to end the conversation without feeling like I have something else to say. But wouldn't you if every time you talked with someone, you never really got to actually finish a conversation because the other person was so distracted?

He's about to be gone for a week. I want to respect and honor him during that time, but if I already feel neglected because yet again on one of MY days, he's TOO busy for me, how can I trust that anything can be settled before he leaves? I had something I needed to give him before he leaves and it appears as if that will definitely not happen.

I have tried repeatedly to tell him that I would rather talk a few minutes by phone every day than to have any text messages. I have tried to tell him repeatedly that I am scared of losing him as a friend because I mess up. I have tried to tell him repeatedly that I just need reassurance. But it seems everything has fallen on deaf ears with him.

However, I know he can "hear" me better when I communicate in the way I communicate best: my writing. So that's why I am writing this.

And let me just say that where things stand now, the threat of losing him as a friend seems even greater now than ever before. And I'm SCARED.

So now what? Remember that extra TLC I mentioned needing last week? Yeah. I could use that.

Oh, and if he is reading this, I'm sorry and will you forgive me?

Dealing with Disappointment

I won't say that it's easy because it isn't easy. But maybe instead of being disappointed in another person, we should evaluate ourselves and our expectations.

I made a decision. I cannot undo what led to the decision or even the decision itself. I won't. Because in some ways, I feel I was right. In many ways, what led to the decision, the way I was treated and made to feel, was wrong.

Stubbornness, lack of information and awareness, foolishness all cloud judgment. I got burned. Bad.

But I cannot undo what happened. All I can do is either learn what I can and change or hope they learn what they can and change.

In the meantime, all I can do is move forward. So that's what I'm going to do. New day, new year, clean slate. I'm moving on. You can go with me or you can stay where you are. But I'm not going to let you or anyone else keep me from reaching my potential and taking flight.

Happy New Year!