Take a Break from Judging

Matthew 7:1-5 - "Judge not, that you not be judge. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

John 17:3 - "And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."

Romans 9:20-21 - But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its modeler, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use?

I Timothy 6:13-16 - I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontiua Pilate made the good confession, to keep the commandment unsustained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time–he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen.

I Timothy 6:17-19 - As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, not to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.

Dear God, help me learn not to be so judgmental. It can be very hard to I break the habit of judging when others have often been so judgmental that it is all you know and understand. From the time I was little, I have always been judged. Why does she look funny? Why does talk funny? Why does she act weird? Is she retarded? Her nose is always in a book. She smells different. She doesn't wear a bra yet and she is in fourth grade. She has ADHD. She has autism. Oh wait, she has autism, and we must fix her and try to make her like everyone else. She is too honest. These tapes replay themselves a lot when I am judging myself. And I am the harshest judge of all when it comes to myself. Time to flip the record though. I have to. I cannot keep living on record side A. I need to start living on record side B. You are going to do a great job of shelving books because you are very detail-oriented. I am looking forward to beginning my volunteer position. Someone has seen a positive to my autism! And given me an affirmation. And all I needed was a chance and someone to see even just one positive. That made my whole week. It was not a judgment. It was an affirmation! Instead of judging, we should be in the business of affirmations. Especially as Christians. Oh look, that person is on SNAP. They must be lazy. Oh look, that person is on welfare. They must be lazy. Oh look, that person is on disability. They don't look disabled. They must be lazy. Really? Oh look, that person is rich and goes to the country club! They must be lazy! Turn it around folks unless you want the same judgment passed down on you. Not everyone receiving SNAP is lazy. Some people receiving SNAP are disabled, veterans, retired senior citizens, working parents, and military families. Not everyone on welfare is lazy. Many of them are working parents. Not everyone on disability looks disabled because there are a lot of hidden disabilities like cancer, asthma, allergies, learning disabilities, autism, blood disorders, immune deficiencies, etc. The list goes on. A disability is something that significant impacts a function of daily living. Whether is the ability to learn adequately or the ability to socialize properly to the ability to fight off infections or the ability to use the bathroom or the ability to breathe, etc. Do you want to be judged because you are rich? Because from my experience, most rich people look down on others because they never had to work a day in their lives. They bought their good grades or they bought their way into the college of their choice instead of having to settle for the college that offered them the best financial aid package, or they bought their way into a job because their parents ran in the same circle as someone high up. Even church people are guilty of doing this. Oh this person isn't rich so let us judge them and when something goes wrong we will just hold them back and treat them like poop while this other person is rich so when something goes wrong we will remove them for a little bit but as soon as possible we will restore them to everything no questions asked and no holds barred. Yes, I have experienced that. And mostly because of the autism. Autism taught me something. It taught me that some people who claim to be Christians really are not. Not based on how they act. Matthew 25:31-46. I have started trying to live my life as a Christian following that passage because Jesus was so clear to me on that one after my diagnosis. But then I have met some Christians who will do anything but those. We must take away their money for food or their money for healthcare because we think they are lazy and we think that is what God wants. How does it go? To whom much has been given, much is expected? Is that right? This goes out to Tom, Mikki, Mark, Bob, and any other person out there claiming to be a Christian but sitting there judging the least of these. Stop poo-poo'ing us and start actually doing real ministry with us. After all, you will be judged with the same measure of judgment that you use. After all, does not the Creator have the right to create how He wants to create? You have no right to change how He does His job. So what if the vessel ended up cracked or ridged in the end? Maybe that is exactly what God wanted. He made it the way He designed it. And some of us are not designed flawlessly except that we are because we were created by a perfect Creator. God created me smooth as smooth can be, but right after I came out of the kiln, I got dropped and a chip occurred. God saw that chip and said, you are still just as beautiful to me because I created you. Do you any of you think you are so perfect that you can do the job that is only reserved for God? I hate when I have to call others out in a lesson, but this lesson is a strong lesson. And I have gotten some takeaways from it like no other. I am not judging any of you. I am just reminding you of what you taught me which is exactly what I am now learning today. God, thank You for bringing some lessons back around and for growing me so that I can understand those lessons. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Whisper "Jesus"

Proverbs 29:25 - The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

John 10:10 - The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Dear God, You say that I should not worry about trying to please others so much as trying to please You. That is why the conflict with Oak Mountain exists. Ginny accepted me for who YOU created me to be - autism and all. She did not try to force me to be someone that You did not intend for me to be. But Mikki and. Mark did. They tried to force me to change, they tried to change my very being, just so I would be "normal." God, You did not create me to be normal. You created me to be special and to shine. You created me to blossom and bloom. Like the rose that has to unfold for us to experience its full beauty. That is how YOU created me. Tom started to see the unfolding until he acted hatefully toward me rather than work toward biblical conflict resolution which YOU Yourself would rather see. Now I rest secure knowing this and can finally write the letter this weekend. Thank You God. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Never Run Out

Psalm 36:7-9 - How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.

Psalm 132:15 - I will abundantly bless her provisions; I will satisfy her poor with bread.

Psalm 132:15 (ICB) - I will bless her with plenty of food. I will fill her poor with food.

John 6:1-15 - After this Jesus went away to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, which is the Sea of Tiberias. And a large crowd was following him, because they saw the signs that he was doing on the sick. Jesus went up on the mountain, and there he sat down with his disciples. Now the Passover, the feast of the Jews, was at hand. Lifting up his eyes, then, and seeing that a large crowd was coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, "Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?" He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, "Two hundred denarii would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little." One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, said to him, "There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?" Jesus said, "Have the people sit down." Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number. Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted. And when they had eaten their fill, he told his disciples, "Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost." So they gathered up and filled twelve baskets with fragments from the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they said, "This is indeed the Prophet who is to come into the world!" Perceiving then that they were about to come and take him by force to make him king, Jesus withdrew again to the mountain by himself.

Dear God, Thank You God that You NEVER run out of time, love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, or anything else. Unlike Tom who ran out at the first sign of conflict instead of tryng to do what You say and trying to resolve things and ended up becoming an abuser and a bully just like the rest of the leadership at his church who ran out of grace as soon as they got back the autism diagnosis. As You fill me with Your love and grace and forgiveness and compassion and mercy though, it begins to overflow such that I must follow through on the next thing You have called me to do and reach out to them with an offer to meet me in the middle and talk through things. You see, in a way, when they chose to punish me for how YOU created me, they chose to punish YOU. And like that film, God's Not Dead, I need to prove You to them and to the world now. I have been challenged beyond measure because of them, because of Tom. Oh, and I can see characteristics of autism in Jesus. Looking at the passage in John 6 from today's devotional lesson, Jesus travels specifically with twelve disciples. Of those twelve, he has two or three that he truly considers to be His FRIENDS. And although He was a great speaker, whenever He was done, He always sought a place of solitude and isolation afterward. He had to separate from the crowds that tended to always follow Him or find Him. In the John 6 passage, He withdrew because He was afraid that the crowd would try to make Him a king. See, I got asked about why I thought You, God, have characteristics of autism, and then the argument was that Jesus was always with a crowd, and then I broke that down. The response I got was "very interesting way to look at it." Also, I mentioned about how no two colors are the exact same, no two white roses are the same, no two snowflakes the same, and even the platypus. Then I said, "What if we, who have autism, are the normal ones and the rest of the people are not?" In a way, that is true. I am not the weird one. Tom is. Mark is. I embrace my autism as a part of who I am. I embrace it as part of the big huge gift You gave me. It is part of the package of life that YOU gave me. But they tried to change me to fit their mold. And when they couldn't, they tried to isolate me and they punished me for being who YOU created me to be. They punished YOU. You don't run out. People do. Even the people who claim to follow You. Though to truly follow You, they would have to strive to resolve conflict with others. And that is where things are now. My next action that You are calling me to do is to prepare a letter and a chart for them and to send it to them. Then I have to trust that You will follow through on Your part since You are calling me to do this. And as hard as it is for me to trust You, I am going to do just that because You have been coming through on what some people might consider small things (though they are not small at all). Thank You God. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Bold!

Isaiah 41:11-13 - Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." 

Isaiah 41:13 (ICB) - I am the Lord your God. I am holding your right hand. And I tell you, "Don't be afraid. I will help you."

Hebrews 12:1-2 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Dear God, You said You would be right there with me no matter what comes my way. In these passages I see that You will in fact somehow work things out, though maybe not the way anyone expects, with regard to Tom Patton and those other bullies from his church (Gordon, Mark, Mikki, and Ken). I know that it means the presbytery has to decide on its approach to things as well, but if You already know how to handle the situation, then I will have to put aside my worry and my fear like You ask of me and trust that they have wisdom enough to pull a committee together to help with the resolution no matter what the resolution may look like in the end. Ultimately, my heart desires to show the grace that I was taught about, though never given by them at that church because true grace wouldn't exclude people from any aspect of any activity of the church as long as the activity is age-appropriate and gender-appropriate and true grace especially would never grab onto a person's diagnosis of autism and use it as an excuse to exclude the person - that's outright discrimination anyway. But alas, grace prevails and I want to give them one more chance, it just cannot be under their terms and conditions the way they want to insist. It is I, who is in control, well, technically You are in control, but You put the reins in my hand in how to best approach things now. And You are asking me to keep my eyes on the prize the whole way through. The prize in this particular case is full restoration with Tom (including Facebook, which he had no justification to violate his compromise or promises regarding) and resolution and restoration with his church where my TRUE friends really are because the fact is that my TRUE friends loved me before my diagnosis and still love me and still have not found justification for the church leadership to abuse and bully and mistreat and exclude me the way it has. Lord, give me strength facing the next few days between now and when the presbytery meets. Give me strength for whatever decision they make and wisdom to know what to do from that point. May it be a favorable decision though that moves forward into a conflict resolution process since that is the very thing You command us to do to start with (II Corinthians 13:11 and Romans 12:9-21). Oh, and God, I have three more requests if that is okay? 1. For the letter to make the appointment regarding the exact amount of assistance to come soon (attorney's letter said within 30-45 days). You brought me through a long and strenuous process. 2. Physical healing. My throat feels really sore and achy, considerably more so than yesterday. 3. Mom to get out of her funk and start the process of looking for a new job rather than just sitting at home complaining about having to save every penny we can because we have less money now and have all the bills coming in that have to be taken care of. It sucks that she got fired over a misunderstanding and that the supervisor was not more clear about her instructions or the question posed to her more clear because of definitions that even I would have probably said the same thing. No she did not take files home, but she took folders home that would be able to make files. She was handed the things at the very last minute as the supervisors were rushing them out the door because of the weather that was already deteriorating. A folder is not a file until there is a label on it and information in it. They should have been more specific about their question. She did not lie. She answered the question honestly based on her understanding of it. And as honest as I am (brutally honest), I would have answered the same way. Because the difference in meaning is very sharp. Now God, I have a thank You, and although some people might disagree, I know that it is within Your will because ultimately, it is You who appoints all authority under heaven, but thank You for the Affordable Care Act. It may be confusing as heck right now, but it is a good and a right step forward in this country. It removes illegal discrimination by insurance companies which now lets the people who most need insurance the insurance and the key to access the same affordable care that others have enjoyed for so long (the Americans with Disabilities Act says that covered individuals have that right, but when an insurance company is allowed to charge them more or deny them or drop them, they are acting in violation of that law). Some people will find every reason they can to complain: they don't like the president because he is of a different color, they don't like him because he is so progressive thinking, they don't like him because he's "socialist" or "communist" (oh, please, if he is socialist by the way they describe him because he wants to help the poor and the sick rather than the rich and the healthy, then he is doing what Jesus would do and says everyone is to do according to Matthew 25:31-46 and a whole lot better than Tom's church which failed to exercise grace with me and excluded me because I have autism; and if he was a communist, then the people running around bad-mouthing him or the laws being made right now would be in jail; and if he was a dictator, they would be beheaded). They have even assumed that the president is a Muslim (he has said repeatedly that he is not and why would his religion matter anyway since Kennedy was a Catholic). In Romans 13:1-7, You are clear what the Christian duty to government is. Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, I read about how the government takes care of the needs of the people. To hear Christians in particular bad-mouthing the president, the ACA, and oh yeah, taxes (I will never see a penny of my tax dollars because people are getting assistance and they are all just lazy moochers (yeah, great, so the veteran who served this country for you to be an ungrateful pig is lazy, and the elderly who worked all their lives and earned their retirement is just lazy, and the disabled person who can no longer work and can barely function outside the home is just lazy, and the hard working mom made single by war or some other circumstance is just lazy, or the couple who has one working and the other serving as a caregiver to the children who have disabilities is just lazy), or the church should be taking care of these people not the government (by the way, those people need not leave their houses anymore because tax dollars are used for the roads, the schools, the police and fire departments as well as social programs designed to help people whom are often even referred to them by churches!)), but to hear so-called Christians spewing these things makes me angry. Oh, God, give me the courage and the strength to not back down where not backing down is required and the wisdom to know when backing down is necessary. Give me the grace to be able to show to those who may not even deserve it (Tom and his church), so that if nothing else, they see You and not me shining through. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Run to Me

Psalm 46:1-3 - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at it's swelling. Selah

Romans 8:6 - to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 

Dear God, I would love to peace right now, but things are so hard and so confusing. The leadership of Oak Mountain still want me to sign agreement to continued bullying and abuse. They want me to sign it before they will make any changes. But the problem is that with all that has happened, they would have to make the changes before I could sign anything. Why? 1. They violated it. But beyond that, there are other things. 2. Three of six of their activities that they listed no longer exist. As to the remaining three, well, that is where they violated it. 3. Tom Patton said he had an issue with women's ministry being restricted because it was something I consistently did well with. He's right. And they need to unrestricted it as he had requested. 4. Sunday school was never addressed. This would leave too much room for error. And it could lead to unnecessary hurt. 5. They have a section called permanent exclusions which should never exist in a church that claims to practice grace. NOT ever. Also, translation of that is discrimination. Because one of the activities was declared as off limits to restriction if it is open to all people even nonmembers. And that is the small group or LIFE group. They flat out targeted the autism with that one. And even though the therapist said I was ready, they still refused. That is the thing that caused a conflict - the therapist said they were paying her but refusing to take any of her suggestions. Yes, I had a conflict with two people. One of which just absolutely finds me antagonistic (which is actually quite funny because she finds compliments to be antagonistic, and from what I have been told repeatedly, I am too sweet or too kind). She found me antagonistic if I said anything, if I didn't say anything, if I smiled, if I frowned, it just didn't matter, she found me antagonistic. Other than that, I actually did great with it. Surely they could find alternatives or let me just go with a friend so I can just learn. Excluding me will never teach me anything though. 6. Absolutely got hounded by people who wanted me back on kiosk. And like most things, I did great with it when teamed up with other people. Instead of excluding me, they should just add to those things they deem as restricted. 7. Wording. The way the thing is worded is offensive. Period. Instead of "restricted," they could say that these activities are ones that we know that Susan can do her best with when she is on a team or with a buddy. 8. I don't initiate phone calls. Not unless it's an emergency or I need something (appointment, application, etc.). Come to think of it, most of us on the spectrum do not initiate phone calls. So as far as that one goes, a simple modification allowing one e-mail per week would be better and reasonable. 9. Tom Patton. Ah! The biggest clincher at this point. He and I would have to go through biblical conflict resolution and restoration, including Facebook (more for logistical reasons than anything now). Yep. 10. Mikki O'Neil. She's great as far as being a resource should conflict arise, if she can be found. And that is great to have resources. They also need an autism expert as a resource or an advocate as a resource. But she shifted to one on one Bible study with me and I felt it inappropriate because there was tension with her (as of yet to be resolved on my end though I would love to resolve it), but the shift created a conflict of interest for me. If they want me to do such a study like that, they really would be wisest to choose another female for me to that with. I essentially did bring these issues up many times. But they ignored me. They said sign it, them we'll address the issues. No sir. I cannot. It is not ironclad and it is full of missing information. If anyone anywhere handed me something like that to sign, I would do the same thing until it was corrected. My requests are not unreasonable. But they accuse me of trying to negotiate and claim it is non-negotiable. Baloney sandwiches. The ONLY thing in this world that is non-negotiable is the Bible! And according to that Bible, Tom should have talked with me and aimed for restoration and sought peace with me. Those two things are also two of many marks of a true Christian which would mean that since Tom refuses to seek peace and restoration with me that he cannot be a true Christian which would then me that he cannot be a pastor, an elder, or a deacon either. Also, church discipline. Well, the expectation from both the church membership vows and the document is that if I was truly out of bounds then they were supposed to engage in church discipline, but they didn't. And that is non-negotiable according to the Bible. According to what. Tom taught in theology, the discipline process can be very redemptive. Yeah, it can, but what it brings to mind is why would they refuse to do that with me? Discrimination. Abuse. Bullying. Hatred. Disobedience to God. That's got to be it. They want to twist the Bible to suit themselves. Surely that's it. And in their twisted Bible, everyone who has autism, including and especially me, doesn't deserve grace or to go to Heaven. Sure. That must be the reason. After all, for six months I tried to explain to Tom that they kept punishing me for having autism, and he kept brushing it off. He knew about the abuse yet he let it happen! Oh and Mark Guzzo only likes to destroy any relationship I have with any pastor because he is a jealous person who also bullied me because of the autism. Guess what? God also says whatever you do to any of the least of these, you also do it Me. Jesus got abused and bullied and excluded at Oak Mountain right along with me. And it really isn't right. Look, I don't know if this post will help or not, but maybe it will because if the right person sees it they can go back to the right people about it. But in all fairness and honesty, I have only ever asked that they make the corrections listed above to their document. That is all they have to do for me to sign it. That is all they ever had to do. And no, it cannot be sign it then we'll make the corrections. It has to be that they make the corrections and that I see they made the corrections for me to sign it. Sheesh! Even the government wouldn't force someone to sign something if the person finds fault with it and points it out. They would make the corrections necessary and them re-present it for a signature. A bank, a car dealership, a realtor, a library, a doctor, etc. ALL do just that. I am not trying to negotiate. I am trying to help them make things ironclad and not have room for any error or misinterpretation. But that is where and why I feel that every church leader should be required to attend lectures on autism and other special needs before being allowed to go I to that position. Because if they were, there would be less people getting abused and bullied like me and everyone that the same church abused and bullied before me. And if they truly believe in grace, they would take my suggestions seriously and honor them. As it stands now, there would be no time to with do any complaints. And maybe that is meant to be. If the presbytery does do something, then hopefully things can finally be resolved at that point. Well, either resolved or all the parties could face discipline. But this post is my own outreach of grace. Because they truly get one more chance to make it right. So God, I now got this off my chest. Please do what You know needs to be done. I know Tom could lose his job because of the whole mess though. But the basis of the complaint was the fact that he knew what the others were doing was wrong yet he did nothing to help or to fix it or to stop it which makes him just as guilty of doing what he acknowledged was wrong. And that cannot be overlooked. And I either need closure or resolution. So God, you want me to trade my worries for Your peace? Here you go. In Jesus' Name, Amen!