Still and Quiet

Isaiah 30:15 - For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."

Zechariah 2:13 - Be silent, all flesh, before the Lord, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.

Zechariah 2:13 - Be still before the Lord.

II Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Dear God, Being still and quiet is hard! Especially when your body is full of energy that wants to get out of you. The harder you try to stifle the energy, the more it wants to just be released. God, I have a worry to release if I am to be still and quiet. You see, there is a matter of the word that Tom used in his letter for my disability court - the same letter that also acknowledges in a sense that he knew that what they were doing was wrong. He used the word "mainstream." The thing is, they did not try to mainstream me after the diagnosis came back. They EXCLUDED me without giving me a chance to try. I love the video I found the other day about in which it indicated that the little girl with autism had learned a lot from being around her neurotypical peers. It reiterated that since we autistics learn best when we are actually with our neurotypical peers, then why would anyone exclude or segregate us? Good point! Especially if it's a church! Shame on any church that dares segregate someone just because the person has a disability! That is not what Jesus would want. That person is just as gifted in his or her own way, just as able to serve God in his or her own way, just as able to worship God in his or her own way, and just as able to be a part of any other activity that anyone else is involved with (although maybe sometimes with assistance in each area)! Woe to the church that dares exclude a single person just because the person has autism and challenges the authority that he or she recognizes is doing something that is blatantly wrong! It is not the person with the autism that is the problem. It is the authority that did the wrong that is the problem. In this case, it is Bob that was the problem. It is Mark that was the problem. It is Ken that was the problem. It is Gordon that was the problem. It is Tom that became the problem because he knew that there were things wrong with the document and that if they would correct it then I would sign it, yet he failed. Tom knew that what the leadership was doing was wrong and that all he needed to do was talk with me and we could have easily resolved things, but he didn't do anything to stop the wrong and then he refused to talk with me or attempt to resolve anything. Then he broke every promise and his compromise which was the last thing he and I agreed to, the last words he spoke to me. He had no justification for it either because I had diligently kept my end of it until after he broke it anyway. I got punished for having one meltdown that he exacerbated! I got punished for having autism. I got punished for the way You created me, God. And You got punished for making me. God, You got punished by them. I saw them put Jesus back on the cross and spit in His face, mocking Him and His words, Your words. Your words that say that if they truly felt I was wrong then they should have engaged in proper and biblical church discipline with me, and had they done so then there could be redemption and rejoicing in it, Your words that say that we are all part of the body and all needed, Your words that say that we are to seek peace and restoration with one another which I have tried but they have refused, Your words that say that as a result of his actions, Tom is not evidencing the marks of a true Christian, not qualified to be a pastor of any kind anywhere anymore, and Your words that would describe Oak Mountain as a church that You would spit back out because it has mistreated someone who is considered to be one of the least of these which would cause them to be sorted out into the goats. Many people seem to think that those passages only apply to individuals, but God, it applies equally to churches as well. Churches are people. And yes, it even applies to government. Though I am not a biblical scholar, far from it, I read of all the government systems that You demanded and commanded to help take care of the least of these. Governments have always made sure their entire kingdoms or countries have had enough food to eat, water to drink, and other basic needs, including healthcare. Because essentially the government consists of people. People who are supposed to take care of each other. Our government has been corrupted by a bad group of wealthy people claiming to be followers of Christ but all the while trying to take away resources to make sure people in need have food and affordable healthcare and resources when they are disabled or retired or veterans. They have become greedy and have shifted to taking care of more people in powerful positions and forgotten the needs of the people and have shifted funds around so that people in need have next tot nothing while people who are not in need get more and more money. And the people get more and more money but do not turn around and use it for what they are supposed to use it on, but only pad their pockets more. Then those same greedy people go back and ask for more money which gets taken away from the people in need again. The people in need are getting beaten up and kicked down in the name of Christ and personal responsibility. Then the people not making the decisions paint this ugly picture of a welfare queen who owns expensive things using tax dollars and buys cigarettes on an EBT card (those cards have many programs on them, they are to cut down on fraud). They don't stop to think that perhaps the picture they paint is not the case MOST of the time. They call everyone on assistance or receiving checks from the government lazy. Government benefits go to many people: veterans who served our country for those people to feel so entitled to judge people receiving checks - the ungrateful jerks right, disabled people who cannot work or can no longer work and not all of the disabilities are visible, the senior citizens who have retired because of old age, the single moms or dads who have lost their husbands or wives to war, the young married couples who have children but only one can work because they cannot afford daycare because one of the kids has special needs that before the ACA was not able to be insured but now can but many of the therapies needed are still not covered by the insurance either because it is not FDA approved and certified or because they consider it investigational or because lawmakers haven't been very inclusive about having those services covered, the mom or dad who escaped an abusive situation or got abandoned and left alone with children. REAL people with REAL problems. How does a person on SNAP have a car? Because either it is used, they had it before needing SNAP, or it doesn't belong to them and they borrowed it from someone. How does a person on SNAP have a cell phone or an iPhone? Because iPhones are not expensive if you get a two year agreement plan, because it was a gift, because it was part of a family plan and family package, because it was purchased during the holiday sales. How does a person on SNAP have Internet? They go to the library or a friend's house with internet or they had it before they ended up needing SNAP. Anymore you need internet to apply for jobs. Since when is the person who is asking these judgmental questions so entitled anyway? People on SNAP are buying steak and lobster! Really? Not unless they get it from the dollar store or have coupons. Most people on SNAP get less than $200 a month. Unless they do serious couponing to make those dollars stretch throughout the whole month, most of them are not buying steak and lobster. And even if they are buying steak and lobster, what business is it of anyone else's what they are eating? What makes that person who is judging so entitled to judge? The sense of entitlement isn't coming from the people on the assistance programs. Chances are many of those people hit rock bottom, asked a church to help, got some help and then got referred to other agencies, peeled away their pride to go to the other agencies, and then got the help they needed when they most needed it. Or the person went to a church for help and got turned away. The only people I see who have entitlement issues are the ones sitting there judging and pointing fingers at the ones who have assistance right now. Many if them are sitting on the internet hours a day mocking and pointing their fingers telling the ones on social programs to get off their lazy butts and get a job. They don't think before they write those hateful and judgmental comments. Many of them claim to be Christians too, then they judge the Christians like me who change political affiliation out of shame and embarrassment that You, God, are being mocked and people are being bullied and abused in Your name. Humanity. What ever happened to it God? Compassion for our fellow humans. Respect for our fellow humans. No, President Obama is not Muslim and even if he was, what does it matter when You, God, ultimately appointed him to be the president? And no, he isn't perfect, no man is. And no, he is not the antichrist. Many presidents have been labelled as such. God, I am glad You listen to what I have to say. I am glad that You care about what I have to say and about what I think. Now it is time for me to take care of some chores then get still and quiet while I finish a book so that I can later be still and quiet absorbed in Your words. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Speak Life by TobyMac (YouTube)

Some days, life feels perfect

Other days it just ain't workin'

The good, the bad, the right, the wrong

And everything in between

Yo it's crazy, amazing

We can turn a heart through the words we say

Mountains crumble with every syllable

Hope can live or die

So speak life, speak life

To the deadest darkest night

Speak life, speak life

When the sun won't shine and you don"to know why

Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted

Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope

You speak love, you speak...

You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh)

Some days the tongue gets twisted

Other days my thoughts just fall apart

I do, I don't, I will, I won't

It's like I'm drowning in the deep

Well it's crazy to imagine

Words from our lips as the arms of compassion

Mountains crumble with every syllable 

Hope can live or die

So speak life, speak life

To the deadest darkest night

Speak life, speak life

When the sun won't shine and you don't know why

Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted

Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope

You speak love, you speak...

You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh)

Lift your head a little higher

Spread the love like fire

Hope will fall like rain

When you speak life with the words you say

Raise your thoughts a little higher

Use your words to inspire

Joy will fall like rain

When you speak life with the things you say

Lift your head a little higher

Spread the love like fire

Hope will fall like rain

When you speak life with the words you say

So speak life, speak life

To the deadest darkest night

Speak life, speak life

When the sun won't shine and you don't know why

Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted

Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope

You speak love, you speak...

You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh)

You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh) You speak life (oh oh oh oh oh oh)

Some days life feels perfect

Be Still and Know by Rebecca St. James (YouTube)

Alone in the valley

I cried for You to fill me with

Your peace

So when the lightning strikes

Thunder rolls around me

Still I live in peace

You ask that I...

Be still and know 

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

You are God...

When the fires rage

When the storm surrounds me

Still I live in peace

Though the mountains fall

Crash into the ocean 

Still I live in peace

You ask that I...

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

You ask that I...

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know 

You are God

You are God...

Lead me through the valley

Lead me by the streams

Restore me and draw me to You God

To You I lift my soul

To You who makes me whole

Gently You hold me close to You

Oooh...close to You...ooohh...

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know 

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

Be still and know

You are God

You are God...

You're near me

You love me

You hold me

You reach me

You still me

You move me

You draw me to You God

You're near me

You love me

You hold me

You reach me

You still me

You move me

You draw me to You God

You are God...

You are God...

(You are God...

You are God...)

You still me, You draw me to You

(You are God...

You are God...)

When the fires rages, still I live in peace

You are God...

I Am Your Shepherd

Psalm 23:1-6 - A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Luke 1:37 - For nothing will be impossible with God.

Ephesians 3:20-21 - Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Dear God, You are the only good and true shepherd. Tom used being a shepherd as an excuse to hurt me. He did not act like a shepherd in that moment. He knew I was hurting, yet instead of taking care of the hurt sheep, he inflicted further damage. A good and true shepherd will also abandon the entire flock to go after the one that is lost knowing that when he brings that ONE back to the flock that all of heaven will rejoice more over that one than all the others who were never lost. God, I want to do the right thing and seek peace and restoration in this, but I need You to stir him. I need You to stir them. I need You to awaken their hearts and minds to the reality that their approach is not helpful to anyone and lacks the grace they so love to preach about all the time. But today, most of all, I need You to stir in my mom to move her to the point emotionally where she can be more proactive about getting a new job. And today, I also need Your healing touch. My throat pain has gotten even worse. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Be Bold!

Isaiah 41:11-13 - Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." 

Isaiah 41:13 (ICB) - I am the Lord your God. I am holding your right hand. And I tell you, "Don't be afraid. I will help you."

Hebrews 12:1-2 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Dear God, You said You would be right there with me no matter what comes my way. In these passages I see that You will in fact somehow work things out, though maybe not the way anyone expects, with regard to Tom Patton and those other bullies from his church (Gordon, Mark, Mikki, and Ken). I know that it means the presbytery has to decide on its approach to things as well, but if You already know how to handle the situation, then I will have to put aside my worry and my fear like You ask of me and trust that they have wisdom enough to pull a committee together to help with the resolution no matter what the resolution may look like in the end. Ultimately, my heart desires to show the grace that I was taught about, though never given by them at that church because true grace wouldn't exclude people from any aspect of any activity of the church as long as the activity is age-appropriate and gender-appropriate and true grace especially would never grab onto a person's diagnosis of autism and use it as an excuse to exclude the person - that's outright discrimination anyway. But alas, grace prevails and I want to give them one more chance, it just cannot be under their terms and conditions the way they want to insist. It is I, who is in control, well, technically You are in control, but You put the reins in my hand in how to best approach things now. And You are asking me to keep my eyes on the prize the whole way through. The prize in this particular case is full restoration with Tom (including Facebook, which he had no justification to violate his compromise or promises regarding) and resolution and restoration with his church where my TRUE friends really are because the fact is that my TRUE friends loved me before my diagnosis and still love me and still have not found justification for the church leadership to abuse and bully and mistreat and exclude me the way it has. Lord, give me strength facing the next few days between now and when the presbytery meets. Give me strength for whatever decision they make and wisdom to know what to do from that point. May it be a favorable decision though that moves forward into a conflict resolution process since that is the very thing You command us to do to start with (II Corinthians 13:11 and Romans 12:9-21). Oh, and God, I have three more requests if that is okay? 1. For the letter to make the appointment regarding the exact amount of assistance to come soon (attorney's letter said within 30-45 days). You brought me through a long and strenuous process. 2. Physical healing. My throat feels really sore and achy, considerably more so than yesterday. 3. Mom to get out of her funk and start the process of looking for a new job rather than just sitting at home complaining about having to save every penny we can because we have less money now and have all the bills coming in that have to be taken care of. It sucks that she got fired over a misunderstanding and that the supervisor was not more clear about her instructions or the question posed to her more clear because of definitions that even I would have probably said the same thing. No she did not take files home, but she took folders home that would be able to make files. She was handed the things at the very last minute as the supervisors were rushing them out the door because of the weather that was already deteriorating. A folder is not a file until there is a label on it and information in it. They should have been more specific about their question. She did not lie. She answered the question honestly based on her understanding of it. And as honest as I am (brutally honest), I would have answered the same way. Because the difference in meaning is very sharp. Now God, I have a thank You, and although some people might disagree, I know that it is within Your will because ultimately, it is You who appoints all authority under heaven, but thank You for the Affordable Care Act. It may be confusing as heck right now, but it is a good and a right step forward in this country. It removes illegal discrimination by insurance companies which now lets the people who most need insurance the insurance and the key to access the same affordable care that others have enjoyed for so long (the Americans with Disabilities Act says that covered individuals have that right, but when an insurance company is allowed to charge them more or deny them or drop them, they are acting in violation of that law). Some people will find every reason they can to complain: they don't like the president because he is of a different color, they don't like him because he is so progressive thinking, they don't like him because he's "socialist" or "communist" (oh, please, if he is socialist by the way they describe him because he wants to help the poor and the sick rather than the rich and the healthy, then he is doing what Jesus would do and says everyone is to do according to Matthew 25:31-46 and a whole lot better than Tom's church which failed to exercise grace with me and excluded me because I have autism; and if he was a communist, then the people running around bad-mouthing him or the laws being made right now would be in jail; and if he was a dictator, they would be beheaded). They have even assumed that the president is a Muslim (he has said repeatedly that he is not and why would his religion matter anyway since Kennedy was a Catholic). In Romans 13:1-7, You are clear what the Christian duty to government is. Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, I read about how the government takes care of the needs of the people. To hear Christians in particular bad-mouthing the president, the ACA, and oh yeah, taxes (I will never see a penny of my tax dollars because people are getting assistance and they are all just lazy moochers (yeah, great, so the veteran who served this country for you to be an ungrateful pig is lazy, and the elderly who worked all their lives and earned their retirement is just lazy, and the disabled person who can no longer work and can barely function outside the home is just lazy, and the hard working mom made single by war or some other circumstance is just lazy, or the couple who has one working and the other serving as a caregiver to the children who have disabilities is just lazy), or the church should be taking care of these people not the government (by the way, those people need not leave their houses anymore because tax dollars are used for the roads, the schools, the police and fire departments as well as social programs designed to help people whom are often even referred to them by churches!)), but to hear so-called Christians spewing these things makes me angry. Oh, God, give me the courage and the strength to not back down where not backing down is required and the wisdom to know when backing down is necessary. Give me the grace to be able to show to those who may not even deserve it (Tom and his church), so that if nothing else, they see You and not me shining through. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Give You Peace

John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 20:19-23 - On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." When he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you." And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld."

Dear God, I wish I could feel Your peace more. But it aggravates me that Tom acted like a heartless jerk. It aggravates me that he knew that what that church was doing with regard to me was wrong yet allowed to happen and then joined in. It aggravates me that he basically lied about being my friend and caring so much for me and wanting what was best. It aggravates me that he became a bully and an abuser in that one moment when grace was most needed. It aggravates me that he and that church are unwilling to resolve the conflict. It aggravates me that Tom, in that one action and decision, failed to evidence the marks of a true Christian. It aggravates me that because of his own hard-hearted, ungracious act of unforgiveness and abuse that I had to file a complaint about what he did wrong. Seek peace and aim for restoration. That is what You tell us to do if we are Christians. God, as You know, the weather here has been wild, so the presbytery had to move its meeting. I got told that it was great that I wanted to seek resolution though no matter what. That's all I ever wanted to do. But to have resolution, both sides have to be willing to come together and redraw the lines. And to put it simply, Tom has refused because I am pretty sure he got bullied and the church has refused because they still want me to sign that document that I already said is no longer even valid just based on the one fact that they violated their own terms. Not to mention that what their document is is outright discrimination. Not restorative. Not full of the grace they talk so much about at that church. It evidences the abuse I was put through by two-thirds of the care team. It evidences the abuse that Tom was informed of but allowed to happen anyway. It subjects me to continued abuse. And Tom knew and knows it is wrong. He even wrote that. Twice. It saddens me. A lot. And in that I do not feel peace. I feel unrest. I feel anger. God, Tom and these men are not able to withhold forgiveness like the disciples. They can try, but I know You forgive me because I know You know why things happened and You know that it was simply an autistic meltdown caused by a lot of emotional stress, a lot of which was caused by Tom himself. But God, I did ask them for forgiveness and to evidence forgiveness and they have failed. I asked Tom to evidence forgiveness and readiness to be forgiven, but he has failed. He is unrepentant and therefore unforgivable. For a person cannot receive forgiveness unless they repent and ask for it. Oh dear God, how much I long for Your peace. Unresolved conflict, unrest because my mom has lost her job and sadly has done nothing toward making necessary phone calls to get another one, and now another wait regarding the disability matters. It is hard to feel at peace in the middle of all of that going on! So here I am giving You what is on my heart and mind. Please give me some peace today. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Your Thoughts Are Precious to Me

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Matthew 1:23 - "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel."

Dear God, Thank You God that the only thing that really matters or should really matter is what You think of me. You know my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit. And maybe that is why Tom screwed up the way he did. Fix my mind on You and not what the media or anyone else says I need to be, wear, or have. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Dark Days

John 1:4-5 - In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Hebrews 12:3 - Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.

Dear God, I am going through some dark days right now: Mom needing a job very soon; unresolved conflict with Tom; the wait that comes after the SSA decision; the anxiety of not knowing whether the presbytery will do anything to help even though I know in my heart that they cannot simply overlook things either because it is a very serious matter that was brought to their attention. But in all the darkness I am going through, I see a glimmer of light: The decision came from the SSA. Oh God, please help me see Your light. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

The Ultimate Time Manager

Psalm 32:8 - I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Psalm 32:8 - I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

Luke 10:41-42 - But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

Dear God, So You are the ultimate time manager. And I need to relax about some of the things that I think deserve and even devour my time. But help me to strike a healthy balance. In Jesus' Name, Amen!