Thursday, March 10, 2011

Where Is God's Grace? Where Is His Providence?

It seems as though God's grace and providence have long since left. Two months ago when this whole situation first occurred, out of the blue really, I began questioning my salvation. And even though now that I am secure on that end, I still have a hard time finding God's grace and providence in this situation. It seems if God's grace were as alive as I hear it is and want to believe it is that the moment the person realized that they could have handled things better they would have undid what they did that hurt me so much. That one action has brought me down emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

For one thing, that person and I had just regained trust. Trust that was broken by another's implications that I was not wanted at church and that the person wanted nothing to do with me. So for months, I questioned why he hated me. All over a misunderstanding and the implications that planted seeds of doubt in my head. So the person and I made an agreement that as long as I never asked him why he hated me on his wall, that we could be friends but that question would be the breaking of it.

I faithfully and dutifully kept my end of the agreement and then I found myself removed. Not as a friend, but it might as well have been since really a friend who does not have privileges is equivalent to not being a friend.

We began meeting with a counselor as a mediator to try to work on the re-establishment and the re-building of trust and have made a new agreement targeting texting since texting seemed to be the biggest issue that we had. And we agreed on texting once a week.

Now I find myself slammed with a threat that the person will be breaking that new agreement over something that we did not clearly define adequately and that the person could have said something about sooner rather than engaging in back-and-forth.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many levels that would be wrong on since we are in the middle of trying to not only restore privileges that really should not have been taken away to start with considering how faithfully and dutifully I had kept the original agreement and the fact that the person was at fault on account of the fact that the person should have brought up the problem before doing what the person did thus breaking my trust. Because one of the biggest areas that would be impacted if this person breaks YET ANOTHER agreement is that area of trust. I'm already feeling wounded. Does this person really need to bring me down further until I sink so low that all I will be able to do is fall into the bottomless pit of despair which is the point of no return for me since that is the point where I would be more likely to resort to my old friend from before I did become a Christian which is cutting?

Where is grace? I've heard this person say that grace gives second and third and so forth chances. But I did not see this person exercise that. And where is providence? Because if this new agreement gets broken, then the only other question I will have is where is God?

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