Praise You In This Storm

Dear Oklahoma Friends and Family, the Casting Crowns song which my post is titled after comes back to me right now. I feel a sense of déjà vu as I remember that two years ago, we endured the same weather pattern here in Alabama. It literally feels as if our weather has flipped upside down this year. I am torn. All I can say is stay strong and God is there, with you. Sincerely, a former Oklahoman

Thursday Thoughts

So my "friend" was gone for two weeks. And right now, I wish he was still gone because I haven't had quality since he's been back. And it feels like he's not my friend anymore, and that really hurts. At a time when I need my friend the most, he's NOT there. I feel sad. I feel confused. I feel torn. If this is what friendship is going to be like, I no longer want any friendship with anyone because in the end I will only be hurt and that's not fair.

Also, yesterday, I made my first real leap of faith with God. My mom keeps saying we'll make it work, we'll make it work. I don't know how we'll make it work. If she doesn't get a new job soon, we'll be down to bare bones minimum between whatever disability and veterans disability is each month. It may mean I cannot get essential medications or essential needs for a long time. Especially since my insurance is bare bones until I can reapply without denial next year (the "Obamacare") and doesn't cover some of the therapy I need due to the autism and other unaddressed issues. Voc Rehab doesn't really help much with what it used to either.

Part of that decision meant understanding that one of the reasons I didn't get the job is because I still am not socially ready for a job. So I'm taking a different and slower path. I'm focusing on therapy and volunteering per doctor recommendations to build toward readiness. I'm not giving up, but I realized yesterday I was seeking a paid job for the wrong reasons. 

I want to be a missionary. I want to use puppetry. That is my job. I want to work with others who have autism and help churches understand the role of autism in their churches. That's my job. I already had my job all along. I just need to figure out how to gain financial support for it. 

Friend or no friend, I'm sure Tom would be proud of me for my decision and what I just openly acknowledged. Now if I only knew what he was.

I Am Healing

Even though I still have some physical struggles and even though I have to constantly deal with the challenges of autism and ADHD, I wanted to share my thoughts. I am healing in ways that most people cannot fathom or understand.

I am healing.

I have immune deficiency. 

I wait for the day we can move forward into a life of infusions.

I am healing. I no longer NEED my ADHD medicine and it is now completely out of my system.

I am less fidgety, except when nervous or tired and then I cannot control my need to fidget anyway.

I have autism. 

But I am different, not less.

Treat me like you want to be treated.

Respect me like you want to be respected.

Give me my dignity. 

Help me to bring out my verbal communication.

Do you see how I am gifted in puppets and painting and music and writing? Use my gifts to help me communicate, to help me feel useful, to help me be me.

I have a mom.

She is persistent and relentless.

Don't hurt her baby. 

She might become a mama bear.

Grrrrowl!

I have a friend.

He was a pastor to me.

But now he's just my friend.

He's still a pastor for others though.

He is also like a second (and better) human dad.

He has a special connection with me that I cannot explain.

But it is good and it is necessary and God let it happen.

He believes in me even when I struggle to believe in myself.

He believes in me even when others might not.

He is compassionate and God gave him a big heart.

Because of me and his connection with me, he is now better prepared for a future in which the world has to hurry and start adapting in order to not just be aware of autism, but to embrace those of us who have autism so we can feel loved and accepted, so we can belong, so we can fit in, so we can function as a part of society. 

My friend will be part of the revolution in churches that will spearhead the adaptation of this world. 

My friend is special.

My friend is brave and courageous. He has to be in order to be my friend.

He is consistent and gracious. 

He is loving and tenderhearted.

He is my friend.

I have another friend.

She can seem kind of quirky. Then again, so can I!

She is an artist. Just like me!

She has an easy spirit. Just like me!

She has lots of love. Just like me!

Once you get deeper with her, you get a true friend with a loving heart that is so big that there's no way to escape the love.

I am learning to know God and to see God. 

My friends help a lot with that.

I don't get God in the books. 

I don't see God in the books or in church.

I hear about God at church.

I read about God in the books.

But I feel God. 

God is in the nice, cool breeze on a hot summer day.

God is in the light, refreshing rain after a long, hot week. 

God is in the babbling creek that you get your toes wet during a hot day at the park.

God whispers through creation.

I'm different, so I sense God differently.

See that beautiful rose, so delicate and frail? That's God!

Hear that tiny kitten mewing? That's God!

See a community rise up together after a disaster? That's God!

Feel loved by friends and family? Even that's God!

I was hurt really bad.

By someone who was supposed to be a dad.

By some people who called themselves friends.

By people who said they cared.

Some of them are no longer in my life. 

Others are reunited and also went through their own struggles.

Even though I am different, I am also the same.

We all struggle.

We all need to feel loved and accepted.

We all need to heal.

I am healing.

I am brave.

I am a friend.

I am a child.

I am an adult.

I am a person.

I am God's creation.

I am me!

I am gifted.

I am talented.

I am smart.

I am beautiful in spirit.

I am fun.

I am funny in my own way.

I am creative.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am valuable.

I am growing.

I am able in my own ways and sometimes with help.

I am healing.

Don't Judge Me By What You See!

When you look at me, can you see anything wrong with me?

Can you tell that I have mitral valve prolapse, asthma, allergies, immune deficiency, gluten intolerance, ADHD, autism, and hearing loss in one ear? 

Can you tell that I lived through abuse and overcame being bullied?

Can you tell that I am anxious? That I missed my friend Tom because he was gone? That I have a crush on someone? That I am scared of being rejected by another church? 

Can you tell I love music, films, puppetry, dolphins, sign language, and painting? That I play many instruments? That I have a Deaf dog? That I have a cat with megacolon? Can you tell that I am worried about whether my mom will have a new job before next month is over and whether I will ever be able to hold a job at all?

Can you tell I am waiting on the results of IgGs to determine if I can be put on life-saving IVIG? 

Can you tell I had my appendix, gall bladder, and tonsils and adenoids removed or two sets of ear tubes?

Can you tell I have a speech disorder? That I worry about how my family will be able to afford therapy for it and autism and the technology we need to help me with my challenges? That I worry about how we can afford my new backup glasses next month and the dental work I still need? 

Can you tell that I feel scared, anxious, and glad about God?

Can you tell this from looking at me?

Churches vs Westboro Part II

I said yesterday that in the face of disaster that a REAL church mobilizes to help. Westboro has released its statement asserting the same thing that happened to Tuscaloosa for the same reason also happened in Oklahoma. Well, here's what I have to say:

Dear Westboro,

You have no idea what being a church is about. You have forgotten about God's grace and love. While you sit at home and run all over the country spewing your hate speech, REAL Christians are doing what Jesus would do. What would Jesus do right now in the aftermath of the Oklahoma tornado? Read Matthew 25. Jesus would clothe the naked, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless. Churches and even universities in Oklahoma have stepped up to do just that. Throughout the Bible, one will read that God loved us while we still sinners, that He loved us so much that He sent His ONLY SON to die for us on the cross. An innocent man took all our sins upon himself and became guilty. That's the Gospel. A REAL church shares the Gospel. Dear Westboro, I am going to demonstrate the Gospel to you right now. You spew hate. I cannot hate you because God loved me so much that His Son died for me. I am imperfect. I have sinned. When my friend couldn't call me because his daughter was getting married and his family came earlier than planned, I was jealous. And I sinned against him and as a result I sinned against God. But you know what? My friend demonstrated love and forgiveness and grace and he is STILL my friend! Just like God is STILL there for me because of His great love for me! I have autism. I have an immune deficiency. Doctors gave me five years to live outside a bubble. I am now 34. Why? Because clearly God has a purpose for me and loves me. Why do I have autism? I don't care. It's my genetics. It's environmental factors. But it isn't my sin or the sins of my parents because when the disciples asked Jesus whose sins made the man blind, He said it wasn't punishment for sin. Dear Westboro, you're spewing venomous lies about the very character of God. And you will face God's judgment one day just like everyone else. When you stand before God, and God says to you, "Why should I let you into Heaven when you went all over the USA spreading hate in my name and had all those hate websites using My name?" what will your response be? God will say, "Depart from me, I knew you not." Because instead of helping the least of these, you spewed hate and spite. "Whatsoever you do to the least of these, you do to me....Whatsoever you didn't do to the least of these, you didn't do to me." What are you going to do? 

Sincerely,

A Growing Believer

Churches vs Westboro

What distinguishes churches from Westboro?

1. The message. Churches don't go around spreading hatred. Churches share the Gospel. The Gospel is full of Good News about love and grace. 

2. Westboro has a site called God Hates the World. Clearly this contradicts the Bible in itself. John 3:16a-"For God so LOVED the world...."

3. In times of disasters, churches don't go around claiming they were punishment for sins. Even if they might believe that theologically. In times of disasters, churches are mobilizing partners and members to go in to provide relief. Westboro? They go in and protest asserting it was a "Godsmack" and telling people to repent.

4. For what it's worth, according to Westboro, NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON IN THE BIBLE WILL GO TO HEAVEN. They disagree with anyone who doesn't believe exactly the way they believe, so according to them, God hates Christians. They protest Protestant Churches. Oh wait, did someone forget to tell them that just because the word "protest" is found in the word "Protestant," that that is not what being a Protestant means? 

Anyway, I want to send out a word of encouragement to all those who have suffered from the recent tornado outbreak. Having seen what happened in Alabama, I know this is something that will have long term impact. Oklahoma Strong. 

By the way, I secretly, now publicly, wish Westboro would be hit as I'd love to hear their justification and reason for it if they do. 

Dear friends and family, regardless of what Westboro says, stand strong.

Frenetic Friday

Okay. So I did the interview. No job. At least I tried and got practice. I wasn't exactly meshing with this particular one anyway. I'm not sure why. Not exactly. It may not even be on my end. Am I disappointed? Slightly. But I'm okay. It means I wasn't quite ready yet. I'm fine. 

On the medical front? Awaiting test results, follow up with the oncologist next week, and plan treatment approach. My white blood count is finally in normal range after SIX YEARS and now we're watching those IgGs and subclasses again to see if I can benefit from and we can persuade insurance to cover infusions. We knew it was coming. It may be the last option short of bone marrow biopsy. 

I miss Tom!! About right now, he's probably sleeping or about to wake up tomorrow because the other side of the globe is almost a whole day ahead of us! But now I know how Santa Claus does it all in one night!! I think? I will be jumping for joy when I hear him again! Seriously! One more week....