Saturday Thought

Saw my first ballet performance today. 

Scored a purple desk chair for $6 and a pink flamingo for $.25. 

And learned that you can possibly get whiplash from a sneeze. 

And that's how I end this weird week before Tom leaves and I have my interview. 

Two main things to pray for this week:

Pray for me to feel better and do well on the interview regardless of the outcome.

Pray for Tom as he travels this week to Japan and Thailand and for a safe return. I happen to know there is a certain someone he is wanting to meet and he has to return safely if he wants to do that!! 

Friday Thoughts

So my friend Tom is leaving for about two weeks and this is going to be a really trying time for me as we haven't gone that long without communicating since things transitioned in January. I don't know if he understands how much this is going to test me and how much he will be missed.

I have a job interview Monday afternoon. 

Social group graduation on the 21st.

Oncologist on the 16th.

I want to speak from the heart now.

Ever since I started writing because of what happened and the conflict that started me writing, it was because people wouldn't let me have a voice in things. They blamed me even though the start of the conflict really was not my fault. Not when you fully assess what started it. 

And although maybe when I look back, I could have done things differently in terms of my response, but I honestly did not have the tools I have now. However, neither do I feel like the other parties truly acted with the grace they spoke so much about. 

I honestly do not believe that anyone fully understands grace until they are at a point in which they are forced to seek it out and happen to find the one or two people who consistently demonstrate it to them. For me, Tom has been THE main person who has done exactly that.

Tom has seen me through the worst of times and now some of the best of times. Yet he has not once abandoned me even when he has probably had every reason to do so. Because of his example, I can now see where God can handle whatever I throw at Him and yet will still be there waiting for me at the end of it all. 

But I also want to say that I will never be anything but honest. Yet I do feel like there may be others who have been less than honest with me and things are starting to unravel as a result. It is frustrating at best. I am asked to be honest, yet they are not being honest with me. And it hurts. 

I have a hard enough with trusting people, with trust in general, and this does not help. All I have ever wanted is the truth. And I have given them every chance I can to be honest with me. They still have that chance even now. Why? Because of grace. 

I am going to write a few letters over the summer to a few of them because I feel it would be the most appropriate thing I can and should do because I need to get some things off my shoulders if I want to heal from the hurt that was inflicted on me by their actions. And maybe by my taking this first step, they will respond in kind. 

Who knows? But surely it cannot hurt to try. Especially since Tom can attest to the growth I have had these last few months. 

I will never be perfect. Neither will they. But there are things that we all could have done better to better preserve the dignity and the respect and the integrity and the peace and the purity of each other and of the church. 

It will not presently change anything. Not as long as their man made document exists. Because I still feel it is unbiblical. And honestly, they just do not have the necessary resources in place to integrate people, particularly adults, with special needs right now and until they do, it is not the safest place. But who knows? Maybe one day, with Tom's compassion and firsthand experience, and the fervent prayers and strategic mobilization efforts of others, they will. And as Tom and I talked about one time, he'll have the honor of saying, "I told you so" to the others because of God's ironic plans. 

My heart remains with my friends, but I have to move forward right now and I have to heal, so for the season, I have to be in a different church where resources are already in place. 

I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Because I cannot clarify things with Tom until after he's back and I don't need it weighing me down on top of the fact I'm already missing him! 

Tuesday Thought

So this Westboro Baptist Church group which has extremist thinking and seems fixated on the sin of homosexuality and wants to blame every bad thing that happens on homosexuality is coming to Tuscaloosa to assert their misbelief that the tornadoes of April 27, 2011 were God's wrath for homosexuality? Well, this could be interesting!

They are a hate group. They make Christians, TRUE Christians, look bad. They give God a bad name. 

Their website address? www.godhatesfags.com. Ordinarily, I wouldn't be so bold about things like this, but seriously, I do feel that I must speak up on this. 

First of all, yes, I do believe in predestination because it is scriptural. Second, I do believe Jesus came to die for our sins to make a way for us to come to God. It's called grace. Third, I do believe that sexual immorality is a sin based on Scripture, but I don't believe God sent disasters just because of that. I looked up the flood they referenced on their site. No where in the first six chapters was there reference to sexual immorality (that I could make out literally). God was sad that people had become so violent so He destroyed them. There are, after all, many sins. 

I live in Alabama. Let me tell you what I remember. When that tornado came (which I literally called a monster), it tried to destroy a state, a region. Physically, it did destroy a lot. But let me tell you what else I saw in the hours, days, weeks and months that followed. I didn't see a God of hate and judgment. I saw a God of love, compassion, grace and mercy as people came from all the state and the country and even from around the globe to help Alabama residents recover. I saw outpourings of love from all over the world. Does that sound like the wrath of God? 

Alabama stands strong in the face of adversity. Alabama will always stand strong. 

What this WBC group does is wrong. They spread hate. Our response should be love and grace. I secretly pray that a minister will join any counter protest against them and share the TRUE Gospel with them. Because they clearly haven't heard it. 

And Wiki, as much as I am against it, has a good write up on them and their leader.  But what I would love to see and hear is what area pastors have to say about this group and its beliefs. 

In the end, we are not God and we don't know everything about God except for what He chose to reveal to us. In the end, God is the only one who can judge anyone. But in the meantime, we must fight against false teachers, which is what WBC is. They are a sick people, and much to my shock, the irony is that another hate group, the KKK, finds WBC to be too extreme even for them. 

Dear God, I pray over this stir that WBC is causing touting that natural disasters are because of Your wrath. I am sad that this group misinterprets Your Word and perverts in such a manner that it can literally cause people to turn away from You and from TRUE Christians who are not hateful. I know You are in control of all things even when I am less than certain, and You are even in control of this situation. I know You hate no person. You hate the sins they do and You feel sorrow for them, but You love them all the same. I pray that You awaken WBC to their wrongdoings and continue to work in those who encounter them in a positive manner. It's in Your hands. Thank You for loving me and for blessing me. Thank You for blessing Alabama and for loving its residents. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Super Saturday

It's cold! In May! In Alabama! Birds chirping. God's humor. Molly Jean will not be shaved this year. Welcome kiddie pool, hose, and soap!

Three main needs after utilities, housing, transportation, medical, and food? 1. New glasses for backup. 2. iPad with cellular for job which I need to get the iPad. 3. Pool.

Adding more therapies in addition to ABA. Speech, painting and puppets. Good news? Puppets are helping me be more verbal! And from what I understand people like verbal! Now about that honesty?

Thoughtful Thursday

Thankful too. But there's something about roses that makes me thoughtful. No two roses are exactly the same. Never. Like people. Even twins. I'm sure my friend Tom would say Amen! to that. And in my ABA session today, we focused on preparing me for mock interview Tuesday (last social group before "graduation") and some things Tom can do to help ease some anxieties I have about him leaving and being gone soon. I have to prepare my object lesson for him too.

Well, God Did Give Me Lungs....

Now I am THAT patient. The one who lets out a blood-curdling scream at a doctor's office. Thanks for my lungs!

Crying Out to God

In the modern world, I'm sorry to see You excluded from church Jesus. Maybe churches have forgotten about the least of these as they continue to reinvent discrimination. I hardly ever see mixed race churches. Most of the churches I see are rich and white. I haven't exactly seen a church with a poor congregation. I hardly see a church with special needs people. Maybe one or two in wheelchairs, but hardly any other. Apparently hand flapping and squawking is too much for them even though You God accept them and gifted them just as much as You did anyone else. I hardly ever see a church with women who came from abusive families. I hardly ever see churches open their doors anymore to the person who needs food or shelter or even a friend and a kind hearted person willing to listen. Whatever happened to real ministry here at home? You know my family is facing financial upheaval and in the meantime, I need new eyeglasses, 12 dental procedures, our garage door is broken, our mailbox post and mailbox need replacing, our dog needs a doghouse that won't have the roof fly off in the wind, I need infusions as soon as the doctor agrees to them, I need an iPad before getting a job but need a job to afford the iPad, and we need food. My mom needs a new job. Without it, I can't go to the doctors for treatment anymore and I will die. But no one is checking to see if we are okay. Not one person. No one is checking to see if we need anything. No one is doing ministry to me or to my family. No church wants me. Why? Because as soon as they found out I had autism last year at my old one, they immediately grasped every negative and untrue thing about autism and pushed me away from You. And because I got vocal, the new one has pushed me away too. I have found NO SAFE CHURCH yet. No loving church yet. No church that knows how to include You. It makes me sad. And I have tried. I have tried so hard to be a person who can be respected and belong. I have tried to be a friend to others. But no matter how hard I try, no one seems to want me. Not the way You created me. They want me to be something or someone I cannot be. The only person I have had even bother to be a REAL friend to me-Tom-I don't even know anymore if it's a friendship because he still treats me as though he were still my pastor and not entirely as a friend. After almost five months, I still don't know him as a friend. And I'm really wrestling with that. After five months, I still see no sign of being moved toward church membership. And I'm ready to just give up. It hurts God to see and to experience this. And whoever sees this may end up judging me for it, but You know what? I don't care anymore because there may be one person out there who reads this who may be able to relate to what I'm going through right now and realize that they are not alone. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I feel rejected. I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I feel unwanted. I feel isolated. I feel like no one cares. I feel like You don't care. I asked You to help with the friendship with Tom and I feel like it's unraveling and not because I didn't try. I did. But even if it wasn't his intention, I still feel neglected and unwanted by him. I asked You to help my family be provided for, and now we're about to unravel. What did I do to deserve all the bad stuff? Why have You abandoned me? Why God? Why?