I asked for boundaries but when I asked, he didn't want to establish them. I have autism. I don't get the intricacies of relationships. Or so others have told me. So I need help.
He finally set some boundaries but he unreasonably established them with NO prior discussion or chance to ask questions or to clarify or to make alternative solutions should he be unable to uphold his end.
I got frustrated. I lashed out. I pointed out we also need consistency. So if I'm only ALLOWED to communicate every other day, then I also reasonably expect at least one response. And now he threatens to just end everything?!? Seriously?!?
I will make one promise in this post. If he quits me, I will quit God. Because God is more scary than he is. And I CANNOT SEE OR HEAR GOD like I can him.
The problem is that so many transitions are taking place all at once. And now I can no longer SEE ANY of my friends unless special arrangements are made. And that's NOT fair.
What that church did, the way they hurt me, the fact they used the autism against me after they paid for the testing and them the professional help to begin addressing it which they then ignored the recommendations from, was wrong. Yet I am the one who suffers the most. I had to quit that church because of the oppression. And apparently I am also going to suffer because it seems I am still going to lose my friends anyway.
It's not fair. I don't think I can handle it anymore. And well, if he quits me because of this and his accusation which mirrors EVERYTHING I EVER heard from the people from THAT church, the only thing I can promise as a direct consequence is that I will quit God. Because right now, God is NOT safe for me if this "friend" is no longer a safe person.
I hate having autism sometimes. And right now is one of those times.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Flulike Bugs and God's Design
So, here I am with a flulike bug. It is wreaking havoc on my gut! But the good news? The fever is down. For now. But it also means I cannot attend church this weekend. But I see Psalm 139:14 at work now. God so intricately wove every last component of my deficient immune system together that my body is working hard to fight this infection. And that's what's important.
Dear God, if you would, I first ask that You help me feel better soon! And second, please bring Tom's granddaughter, baby Winnie, into the world without them needing to do any procedures. She's due tomorrow, but even if she's just one day late, it's okay, but everyone is waiting for her arrival. And keep Tom safe and calm as he readies to travel to see the beautiful little baby You have been perfecting and allow him and lady Diana to be reunited soon. Give his daughter patience and comfort as she awaits her miracle and prepare the family for the many changes they face this year. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Dear God, if you would, I first ask that You help me feel better soon! And second, please bring Tom's granddaughter, baby Winnie, into the world without them needing to do any procedures. She's due tomorrow, but even if she's just one day late, it's okay, but everyone is waiting for her arrival. And keep Tom safe and calm as he readies to travel to see the beautiful little baby You have been perfecting and allow him and lady Diana to be reunited soon. Give his daughter patience and comfort as she awaits her miracle and prepare the family for the many changes they face this year. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Day Four
Jesus Calling day 4. Title in the kids version: "A New Habit." Learn to trust Jesus in everything that happens and say it aloud.
Wow. New year. New transitions. New things. New situations. New new new. But yes, make it a new habit to say, "I trust You, Jesus" no matter what? Even in the midst of hardship?
Okay, this is getting intensely scary. Focal passages Isaiah 40:11 and Psalms 63:2 and 139:7-10.
The passage that struck me the most today? Psalm 139:7-10. This is the same chapter where the psalmist declares that God made him and knew him, even in the womb. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
This verse reminds me of the Avalon song, "Hide My Soul," featured on the Left Behind film soundtrack. It also reminds me of another song. Rebecca St. James "Universe" which actually quotes some of this passage.
Dear God, help me to know You are always there and can be trusted even when others seem to fail me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Another prayer today:
Dear God, help Tom and his family know that even if the baby does not come on her due date, You are still in control. You know EXACTLY what YOU are doing and are in control. The baby You are forming right now IS fearfully and wonderfully made. She will be perfectly created by Your hands. Regardless of the timing. We are often rigid in our thinking and timing. But we quickly forget that YOU are the ultimate timekeeper. Please if you would, allow the baby to come on her own. Allow her not to be TOO late. Get her ready to come out into this world so she can meet her anxiously excited family. Move her into a position so she will come out. Everyone is ready to meet her. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Wow. New year. New transitions. New things. New situations. New new new. But yes, make it a new habit to say, "I trust You, Jesus" no matter what? Even in the midst of hardship?
Okay, this is getting intensely scary. Focal passages Isaiah 40:11 and Psalms 63:2 and 139:7-10.
The passage that struck me the most today? Psalm 139:7-10. This is the same chapter where the psalmist declares that God made him and knew him, even in the womb. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
This verse reminds me of the Avalon song, "Hide My Soul," featured on the Left Behind film soundtrack. It also reminds me of another song. Rebecca St. James "Universe" which actually quotes some of this passage.
Dear God, help me to know You are always there and can be trusted even when others seem to fail me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Another prayer today:
Dear God, help Tom and his family know that even if the baby does not come on her due date, You are still in control. You know EXACTLY what YOU are doing and are in control. The baby You are forming right now IS fearfully and wonderfully made. She will be perfectly created by Your hands. Regardless of the timing. We are often rigid in our thinking and timing. But we quickly forget that YOU are the ultimate timekeeper. Please if you would, allow the baby to come on her own. Allow her not to be TOO late. Get her ready to come out into this world so she can meet her anxiously excited family. Move her into a position so she will come out. Everyone is ready to meet her. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
God's Peace
Today's Jesus Calling kids and teen versions talk about God's Peace. I love the title in the kids version: "I Am Bigger Than the World." It almost reminds me of the VeggieTales song, "God is bigger than the bogeyman."
God's peace is compared to diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. The reminder is that God is always there and has already overcome the problems we will face in the world. - John 16:33
Dear God, As I face the newness associated with this new year, grant me the peace that You have promised. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
God's peace is compared to diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. The reminder is that God is always there and has already overcome the problems we will face in the world. - John 16:33
Dear God, As I face the newness associated with this new year, grant me the peace that You have promised. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Extra TLC Needed
Yes, as autistic, I can seem more "demanding." I don't mean to be. I don't mean to push people away or be overbearing. These are traits I can't control. I don't always understand social graces or etiquette. But I'm trying.
When I am going through a rapid fire transition time, like I am now: new church, new activities, new friends among old friends, new everything really, I get scared.
Like right now, and I have to apologize to Tom, but we are transitioning from what may have been a strained relationship because it seemed forced and it was restricted. Now we are more free to be friends. But I don't know what to do. And I'm scared. I'm afraid of doing something to lose him because I never really learned how to be a friend to someone.
So I asked for boundaries because I need safety in the transition so it will be successful. But I think it made him snap and it feels like he is angry with me now. Because now we went from one extreme, too loose, to the other, too restricted.
But right now, since I can't talk to him until Friday, I'm stuck.
But in the meantime, I could really use some extra TLC if you don't mind.
When I am going through a rapid fire transition time, like I am now: new church, new activities, new friends among old friends, new everything really, I get scared.
Like right now, and I have to apologize to Tom, but we are transitioning from what may have been a strained relationship because it seemed forced and it was restricted. Now we are more free to be friends. But I don't know what to do. And I'm scared. I'm afraid of doing something to lose him because I never really learned how to be a friend to someone.
So I asked for boundaries because I need safety in the transition so it will be successful. But I think it made him snap and it feels like he is angry with me now. Because now we went from one extreme, too loose, to the other, too restricted.
But right now, since I can't talk to him until Friday, I'm stuck.
But in the meantime, I could really use some extra TLC if you don't mind.
First Two Days of 2013
I started Jesus Calling for kids and for youth yesterday. The language is so simplistic. Next year I will advance to the actual Jesus Calling. And sometime this year I want to get the Jesus Calling Bible Storybook.
Anyway, yesterday started with Jeremiah 29:13 as the introduction to January. The title of the first devotion in the kids version? "Get Ready for the Adventure!" Focal verse? Jeremiah 29:11.
Hold the brakes! The devotion actually SPOKE to me EXACTLY where I am at in life NOW. How? I'm being asked to come to God with a changeable heart.
Today was not much different. I ran into Matthew 7:7 which is like Jeremiah 29:13. In Jesus Calling, it was "Choose Me." Relax in God's presence.
Why is that so hard to do?
Maybe it goes back to expectations?
Tom, why did you have to throw me a teaching moment today?
I do vaguely recall a sermon from Bob on Luke 10:39-42. Martha got reprimanded for being BUSY BUSY BUSY while Mary sat and listened.
Are we TOO BUSY to slow down and notice when a friend is hurting or in need? Are we TOO BUSY to truly LISTEN? Are we TOO BUSY?
Yes, some friends may "demand" more time than others, but if you're TOO BUSY to listen, you may miss out on the deeper reason that may hold all the answers you need.
So here we are two days in the new year and we have:
Come to God willing to change
and
Relax in God's presence.
Not sure the lessons get bigger than that, but if they do, I may be in trouble!!!
Anyway, yesterday started with Jeremiah 29:13 as the introduction to January. The title of the first devotion in the kids version? "Get Ready for the Adventure!" Focal verse? Jeremiah 29:11.
Hold the brakes! The devotion actually SPOKE to me EXACTLY where I am at in life NOW. How? I'm being asked to come to God with a changeable heart.
Today was not much different. I ran into Matthew 7:7 which is like Jeremiah 29:13. In Jesus Calling, it was "Choose Me." Relax in God's presence.
Why is that so hard to do?
Maybe it goes back to expectations?
Tom, why did you have to throw me a teaching moment today?
I do vaguely recall a sermon from Bob on Luke 10:39-42. Martha got reprimanded for being BUSY BUSY BUSY while Mary sat and listened.
Are we TOO BUSY to slow down and notice when a friend is hurting or in need? Are we TOO BUSY to truly LISTEN? Are we TOO BUSY?
Yes, some friends may "demand" more time than others, but if you're TOO BUSY to listen, you may miss out on the deeper reason that may hold all the answers you need.
So here we are two days in the new year and we have:
Come to God willing to change
and
Relax in God's presence.
Not sure the lessons get bigger than that, but if they do, I may be in trouble!!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Dealing with Disappointment
I won't say that it's easy because it isn't easy. But maybe instead of being disappointed in another person, we should evaluate ourselves and our expectations.
I made a decision. I cannot undo what led to the decision or even the decision itself. I won't. Because in some ways, I feel I was right. In many ways, what led to the decision, the way I was treated and made to feel, was wrong.
Stubbornness, lack of information and awareness, foolishness all cloud judgment. I got burned. Bad.
But I cannot undo what happened. All I can do is either learn what I can and change or hope they learn what they can and change.
In the meantime, all I can do is move forward. So that's what I'm going to do. New day, new year, clean slate. I'm moving on. You can go with me or you can stay where you are. But I'm not going to let you or anyone else keep me from reaching my potential and taking flight.
Happy New Year!
I made a decision. I cannot undo what led to the decision or even the decision itself. I won't. Because in some ways, I feel I was right. In many ways, what led to the decision, the way I was treated and made to feel, was wrong.
Stubbornness, lack of information and awareness, foolishness all cloud judgment. I got burned. Bad.
But I cannot undo what happened. All I can do is either learn what I can and change or hope they learn what they can and change.
In the meantime, all I can do is move forward. So that's what I'm going to do. New day, new year, clean slate. I'm moving on. You can go with me or you can stay where you are. But I'm not going to let you or anyone else keep me from reaching my potential and taking flight.
Happy New Year!
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