The Treasure Hunt

Psalm 27:8 - You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek."

Isaiah 12:2 - "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."

II Corinthians 4:7 - But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

Dear God, Sometimes I wish I could already have the treasure of heaven. This world hurts so much. Tom, my mom facing joblessness because of a misunderstanding, no church wanting me because of the autism and because they misunderstand me but refuse to try to work through things and instead abuse me and bully me, financial worries, health concerns, government messing around with benefits programs and trying to steal from one social program to give to another instead of cutting back on unnecessary localized spending that has no national benefit, republicans trying to hold the country hostage to their demands so they will do their jobs, and the list could go on. I am still looking for the treasures or blessings. Conflict resolution with Tom and maybe even with his church, mom to get a new job quickly (I have pretty much been assumed to be unemployable now which is something I will now be working hard at dispelling), a month with no infections of any kind, a financial miracle, and this list could go on and on as well. God, thank You for sending Jesus so I will have the greatest treasure in heaven one day. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

I Will Lift You Up

Matthew 14:28-32 - And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

Ephesians 2:4-7 - But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 

Dear God, I am in doubt that You are bigger than all of my problems. I am in unrest because of my mom needing a new job again and soon. I am in turmoil because of the still unresolved conflict with Tom Patton. I am in uncertainty because I don't know of the presbytery will even do the right thing in that and form the committee that can help in some fashion. But You said You will reach out and grab my hand. So God, here is my hand. Please take hold of it. And don't let go. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Don't Be Distracted

Psalm 42:11 - Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Dear God, All I ask today is that You prepare the hearts of the people at presbytery who will be determining what needs to be done with regard to Tom Patton and that church. It really does make me sad that he willfully ignore the fact that I was being bullied and abused. And it hurts more that he became a bully and an abuser. It hurts that he believed and spread lies about me. It makes me angry that he has been allowed to just get away with it. It makes me sad that he refuses to seek peace and restoration which reflects on his character more than anything else. If the marks of a true Christian include those two key things, then he is not a Christian and can no longer serve in his capacity. As sad it may make me feel, it is the reality. God, I want to believe that You will work all this out for the good, but it is hard. Tom always said he had my best interest in mind and at heart yet when the time came where that was most needed to be proven and for the most grace to be exercised, he failed miserably. I have been told that if an offense is minor enough to try to overlook it, but what Tom did is nothing minor and it cannot be overlooked and should not be overlooked either. He has to be called under accountability for what he did. They have to be called under accountability for what they did. And I am hoping and praying and struggling to trust that You will make sure they are brought under accountability. That is what would be good, not just for me, but for everyone. Because sadly, it turns out that I really am not the only one who has been hurt or bullied or abused or neglected or adversely impacted by their actions. Many people have been. And sadly, those people, like me, have been accused of many things and been made out to be the sole offender and the bad person when that simply isn't true at all. They have bullies in their midst and those bullies have corrupted them, and a corrupt church is not a church at all. Apparently You do not take kindly to corrupt churches either. But today, I am going to try to refocus and exchange my anxiety for Your peace and Your comfort, okay, God? In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Your Love Never Fails by Newsboys (YouTube)

Nothing can separate

Even if I run away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

You have new mercy for me everyday

Cause your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages

Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night

But joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage

I don't have to be afraid

Because I know that You love me

Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone here in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide

I never thought I'd reach the other side

But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

You make all things work together for my good

Rest

Matthew 11:28-29 - Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 

I Timothy 2:8 - I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling....

Dear God, Oh howdy! How right You are that when others around me are doing all kinds of wrong, like Tom did, while I am trying to do the right thing or even help them to do the right thing, that it can lead to being weary! God, please help that presbytery to know how to step up and intervene. Okay? Thank. You God. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Come to Me by Jamie-Grace (YouTube)

I had a dream I was standing on the shore

Two feet planted in the sand

Soakin' up Your glory yeah

Saw you walkin' from a distance

Without a hint of resistance

You had Your arms open

And a warmth in Your eyes

You took my hand and You whispered

Come to me when

You're weary and

I'll give you hope when you're hurtin'

I'll give you rest from your burden

Come to me when

You're weary and

I'll give you hope when you're hurtin'

I'll give you rest from your burden now

I woke up to the weight of the world 

Right back into reality

And all that's goin' wrong

'Cause in the midst of this chaotic life

I try to find peace of mind

But You've been there all along

And even now I hear You whisper

Come to me when

You're weary and

I'll give you hope when you're hurtin'

I'll give you rest from your burden

Come to me when

You're weary and

I'll give you hope when you're hurtin'

I'll give you rest from your burden

I feel the weight, I feel the weight is slowly liftin'

As you close the distance

And I know it's gonna be okay when I hear You say

Come to me when

You're weary and

I'll give you hope when you're hurtin'

Oo I'm gonna carry your burden

Come to me when

You're weary and

I'll give you hope when you're hurtin'

I'll give you rest from your burden now

The weight is lifted now

Run to Me

Psalm 46:1-3 - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at it's swelling. Selah

Romans 8:6 - to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 

Dear God, I would love to peace right now, but things are so hard and so confusing. The leadership of Oak Mountain still want me to sign agreement to continued bullying and abuse. They want me to sign it before they will make any changes. But the problem is that with all that has happened, they would have to make the changes before I could sign anything. Why? 1. They violated it. But beyond that, there are other things. 2. Three of six of their activities that they listed no longer exist. As to the remaining three, well, that is where they violated it. 3. Tom Patton said he had an issue with women's ministry being restricted because it was something I consistently did well with. He's right. And they need to unrestricted it as he had requested. 4. Sunday school was never addressed. This would leave too much room for error. And it could lead to unnecessary hurt. 5. They have a section called permanent exclusions which should never exist in a church that claims to practice grace. NOT ever. Also, translation of that is discrimination. Because one of the activities was declared as off limits to restriction if it is open to all people even nonmembers. And that is the small group or LIFE group. They flat out targeted the autism with that one. And even though the therapist said I was ready, they still refused. That is the thing that caused a conflict - the therapist said they were paying her but refusing to take any of her suggestions. Yes, I had a conflict with two people. One of which just absolutely finds me antagonistic (which is actually quite funny because she finds compliments to be antagonistic, and from what I have been told repeatedly, I am too sweet or too kind). She found me antagonistic if I said anything, if I didn't say anything, if I smiled, if I frowned, it just didn't matter, she found me antagonistic. Other than that, I actually did great with it. Surely they could find alternatives or let me just go with a friend so I can just learn. Excluding me will never teach me anything though. 6. Absolutely got hounded by people who wanted me back on kiosk. And like most things, I did great with it when teamed up with other people. Instead of excluding me, they should just add to those things they deem as restricted. 7. Wording. The way the thing is worded is offensive. Period. Instead of "restricted," they could say that these activities are ones that we know that Susan can do her best with when she is on a team or with a buddy. 8. I don't initiate phone calls. Not unless it's an emergency or I need something (appointment, application, etc.). Come to think of it, most of us on the spectrum do not initiate phone calls. So as far as that one goes, a simple modification allowing one e-mail per week would be better and reasonable. 9. Tom Patton. Ah! The biggest clincher at this point. He and I would have to go through biblical conflict resolution and restoration, including Facebook (more for logistical reasons than anything now). Yep. 10. Mikki O'Neil. She's great as far as being a resource should conflict arise, if she can be found. And that is great to have resources. They also need an autism expert as a resource or an advocate as a resource. But she shifted to one on one Bible study with me and I felt it inappropriate because there was tension with her (as of yet to be resolved on my end though I would love to resolve it), but the shift created a conflict of interest for me. If they want me to do such a study like that, they really would be wisest to choose another female for me to that with. I essentially did bring these issues up many times. But they ignored me. They said sign it, them we'll address the issues. No sir. I cannot. It is not ironclad and it is full of missing information. If anyone anywhere handed me something like that to sign, I would do the same thing until it was corrected. My requests are not unreasonable. But they accuse me of trying to negotiate and claim it is non-negotiable. Baloney sandwiches. The ONLY thing in this world that is non-negotiable is the Bible! And according to that Bible, Tom should have talked with me and aimed for restoration and sought peace with me. Those two things are also two of many marks of a true Christian which would mean that since Tom refuses to seek peace and restoration with me that he cannot be a true Christian which would then me that he cannot be a pastor, an elder, or a deacon either. Also, church discipline. Well, the expectation from both the church membership vows and the document is that if I was truly out of bounds then they were supposed to engage in church discipline, but they didn't. And that is non-negotiable according to the Bible. According to what. Tom taught in theology, the discipline process can be very redemptive. Yeah, it can, but what it brings to mind is why would they refuse to do that with me? Discrimination. Abuse. Bullying. Hatred. Disobedience to God. That's got to be it. They want to twist the Bible to suit themselves. Surely that's it. And in their twisted Bible, everyone who has autism, including and especially me, doesn't deserve grace or to go to Heaven. Sure. That must be the reason. After all, for six months I tried to explain to Tom that they kept punishing me for having autism, and he kept brushing it off. He knew about the abuse yet he let it happen! Oh and Mark Guzzo only likes to destroy any relationship I have with any pastor because he is a jealous person who also bullied me because of the autism. Guess what? God also says whatever you do to any of the least of these, you also do it Me. Jesus got abused and bullied and excluded at Oak Mountain right along with me. And it really isn't right. Look, I don't know if this post will help or not, but maybe it will because if the right person sees it they can go back to the right people about it. But in all fairness and honesty, I have only ever asked that they make the corrections listed above to their document. That is all they have to do for me to sign it. That is all they ever had to do. And no, it cannot be sign it then we'll make the corrections. It has to be that they make the corrections and that I see they made the corrections for me to sign it. Sheesh! Even the government wouldn't force someone to sign something if the person finds fault with it and points it out. They would make the corrections necessary and them re-present it for a signature. A bank, a car dealership, a realtor, a library, a doctor, etc. ALL do just that. I am not trying to negotiate. I am trying to help them make things ironclad and not have room for any error or misinterpretation. But that is where and why I feel that every church leader should be required to attend lectures on autism and other special needs before being allowed to go I to that position. Because if they were, there would be less people getting abused and bullied like me and everyone that the same church abused and bullied before me. And if they truly believe in grace, they would take my suggestions seriously and honor them. As it stands now, there would be no time to with do any complaints. And maybe that is meant to be. If the presbytery does do something, then hopefully things can finally be resolved at that point. Well, either resolved or all the parties could face discipline. But this post is my own outreach of grace. Because they truly get one more chance to make it right. So God, I now got this off my chest. Please do what You know needs to be done. I know Tom could lose his job because of the whole mess though. But the basis of the complaint was the fact that he knew what the others were doing was wrong yet he did nothing to help or to fix it or to stop it which makes him just as guilty of doing what he acknowledged was wrong. And that cannot be overlooked. And I either need closure or resolution. So God, you want me to trade my worries for Your peace? Here you go. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

No More Comparisons

Numbers 6:24-26 - The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Psalm 13:5 - But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

Psalm 29:11 - May the Lord give strength to his people! May the Lord bless his people with peace!

Dear God, Sometimes I feel inadequate because I have autism. And at these times, I realize I am just comparing myself to others. I am sorry for that. But God, I come to You today because something was stated that frustrates me. You see, God, yet again, I am being blamed for everything that happened at Oak Mountain. They claim I am out of bounds or was out of bounds. They claim I lack respect for accountability. The truth? If I was out of bounds, then so was Tom Patton. But according to what BOTH of us were told if I decided to depart from Oak Mountain, then it was up to Tom to decide of he wanted to pursue the friendship that he chose to pursue with me. And as far as that goes, I repeatedly asked Tom for clear cut boundaries but he refused saying that that wasn't how friendship works. Also, it highlights the fact that IF they truly felt that I was out of bounds, then according to their own terms, their church session must conduct official church discipline. Yet they failed to do that. Now I am being told after many months that they would possibly be willing to reconsider me if I earn their trust. What they seem to fail to understand is that trust goes both ways. Although I am willing, and have expressed this many times, to subject myself to some boundaries and restrictions, I cannot subject myself to their old document. It wasn't even an agreement based on the true definition of an agreement. God, why now? After all this time trying to ask them to enter into a peacemaking process, why now would they even express the remote possibility of doing so? They had three months. Almost four. Although I would like to be able to demonstrate grace to them, it comes with limits. As I expressed in return, I am willing to enter into peacemaking with them but only after Tom Patton and I go through the first step of that process. Then, and only then, can I consider it with their church as a whole. But God, my fear is that even if they are willing to enter into the process that I cannot withdraw the complaint due to time constraints. And I have hesitancy. They violated my trust when that care team chose to exclude me because I have autism and "autistics fill-in-the-blank and therefore fill-in-the-blank might happen and fill-in-the-blank." I heard nothing but those kinds of hurtful and hateful things for SIX months and Tom Patton dismissed my frustration about hearing those remarks as me misunderstanding them. Rather than doing something to help, he let them abuse me and bully me. I didn't just leave them out of frustration about the process which even he wrote was mishandled and misconducted. It was partly due to frustration but also partly due to the fact that it was plain and simply abusive treatment. He had the chance to correct that in October, but he didn't do it. Instead, while he was saying that what Oak Mountain did was wrong, he stood back and let it happen and then he joined in. And then he broke every promise he ever made to me and broke his compromise regarding Facebook (and promises too). His own actions were what crushed me. Because I trusted him. They sit there telling others that I have to earn their trust back? What about them earning my trust back? Why do they not understand the very things they expect of me also applies to them?!? My expectation of them was that if they truly found me to be out of bounds then they would do official church discipline. But they didn't! How can I respect that? I don't have a problem with accountability except when that so-called accountability system is violated by the very people who I am supposed to be accountable to. Matter of fact, I have to share this with all honesty: I have NEVER been fired from any of the jobs I have ever had. I quit one job because they put me on call and it was against company policy. I quit my VA workstudy because I was at a point in school where I couldn't find enough hours to work during the week because of my class schedule. My next job had some strange moments: Was told go pick up the playground balls. No one told me I could use a broom and the dustpan; then a supervisor told me to go run an errand on the clock and I questioned him on it; and bathroom cleaning? Well, I couldn't go in the men's room. I left that third job again due to class schedule. Workstudy two ran out as did all other financial aid except for what Voc Rehab provided. Fifth job: I put in two weeks notice and worked two jobs for two weeks. Sixth job was in my field but I had to leave because I was an honors student and the supervisor stole my byline and kept scheduling meetings when she knew I had class because she was my classmate. Seventh job: contract labor. I found myself being removed the schedule and said I couldn't afford to keep coming in when I knew I was on the schedule the night before but suddenly no where on the schedule when I arrived. I quit. I cannot tolerate conflict, especially unresolved conflict. But I also cannot tolerate when people keep putting ALL the blame on me and never take responsibility for their own actions in things. And it seems that that is what has happened again with Oak Mountain. So now, I am in a position of having to state my own terms, desires, and expectations, and refusal to meet me halfway is unacceptable. It isn't about not respecting accountability or boundaries. It's about respecting God and myself. It's about getting what I deserve as a creation of God. As a human. As a person. And yes, as a person with special needs. As I shot back, if they are willing to enter a peacemaking process with me, I am as well. Matter of fact, if one looked back on the past three months of my posts, they would see that I have expressed nothing but a desire to resolve things. It's too bad I don't know how to attach documents to a blog post or I would be able to allow readers to not only see their old document that they violated and therefore nullified but also my updated, nondiscriminatory, and more solid form of what they drew up. At this point, though, even if they entered into a peacemaking process with me, neither their old document nor my document could be upheld. It would have to be a new document that all vested parties have a say in, that goes through final approval based on law, the Bible, the BCO, research and history. So if they are willing to enter the process, so am I, but they have to understand that trust goes both ways, that the first step is between myself and Tom and cannot have their terms on any part of that, and that all parties have to be involved in the final process. A document drawn up by one person without input from all involved parties is nothing more than bullying and demanding. It is not an agreement. And when Tom expressed his own concerns over it, he had a longer list than I did! The reason I am including my thoughts on this here is because first, it is part of my own process too. You see, I am now on my 35th day of solidly being dug into the word. I am on my 35th prayer log based on my 35th devotional day. And I cannot tell you how many devotionals I am in right now, some of them on that youversion site and a few of which have ended now because they were starters for me, but I am plugged into that much more so than I was when I was at Oak Mountain. I had no choice though. They took away my rights as a person. And even though many people could attest to the fact that they found innocence and expressed frustration at the mistreatment that I have endured, those men hurt me. And Tom unnecessarily hurt me. The hurt that he caused me was the most damaging. But I can also tell You that regardless of what happens, if they enter the peacemaking process with me, starting with him, that depending on what happens with him, it has the most potential for the most beauty to be displayed. And oh how I would long for that to be the case. I have my reservations right now though, and I have just been assured that I am within my rights to have those reservations and to express desire to have someone else in the process. So it is that with You God, I am solidifying my desire to enter a peacemaking process with Tom Patton first, then the leaders of Oak Mountain to include Tom Patton second with representation from the presbytery to ensure that they play by the rules and play fairly. The reason for Tom Patton to be included at every step is that of all of them, he is the only one who ever demonstrated any understanding about autism. And that is important for me and for this process to have any hope of success. God, I do hope that a peacemaking process can begin. Although not on their turf right now. But please open their hearts and their minds to the fact that they too have a responsibility for what they did wrong. And God, even if we enter such a process, please keep reminding me that I am an individual created by You for You and am not to be compared with others or to compare myself with others. They need to listen. I need to listen. And what I have to say may be hard for them, but it is just as important. And God, truthfully, if nothing else, then if all that happens is that Tom and I finally work through our interpersonal conflict, then I will be truly fine with that. Because my reservations about giving Oak Mountain another chance were solidified when they interfered with that relationship with Tom to start with. Strike two. I would certainly hope they don't strike out though. Because every innermost part of me would love for it to work out in a way that is fair to me, to them, and to the people who do love me and have consistently loved me before, during, and after the autism diagnosis came into the picture. Now I finally truly get grace. Thank You God. In Jesus' Name, Amen! 

I Am a Tower

I am a tower

Standing tall

Standing strong

I offer shelter

I offer a view of the world from up high

I am a tower