Thursday, May 30, 2013

Thursday Thoughts

So my "friend" was gone for two weeks. And right now, I wish he was still gone because I haven't had quality since he's been back. And it feels like he's not my friend anymore, and that really hurts. At a time when I need my friend the most, he's NOT there. I feel sad. I feel confused. I feel torn. If this is what friendship is going to be like, I no longer want any friendship with anyone because in the end I will only be hurt and that's not fair.

Also, yesterday, I made my first real leap of faith with God. My mom keeps saying we'll make it work, we'll make it work. I don't know how we'll make it work. If she doesn't get a new job soon, we'll be down to bare bones minimum between whatever disability and veterans disability is each month. It may mean I cannot get essential medications or essential needs for a long time. Especially since my insurance is bare bones until I can reapply without denial next year (the "Obamacare") and doesn't cover some of the therapy I need due to the autism and other unaddressed issues. Voc Rehab doesn't really help much with what it used to either.

Part of that decision meant understanding that one of the reasons I didn't get the job is because I still am not socially ready for a job. So I'm taking a different and slower path. I'm focusing on therapy and volunteering per doctor recommendations to build toward readiness. I'm not giving up, but I realized yesterday I was seeking a paid job for the wrong reasons. 

I want to be a missionary. I want to use puppetry. That is my job. I want to work with others who have autism and help churches understand the role of autism in their churches. That's my job. I already had my job all along. I just need to figure out how to gain financial support for it. 

Friend or no friend, I'm sure Tom would be proud of me for my decision and what I just openly acknowledged. Now if I only knew what he was.

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