Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Crying Out to God

In the modern world, I'm sorry to see You excluded from church Jesus. Maybe churches have forgotten about the least of these as they continue to reinvent discrimination. I hardly ever see mixed race churches. Most of the churches I see are rich and white. I haven't exactly seen a church with a poor congregation. I hardly see a church with special needs people. Maybe one or two in wheelchairs, but hardly any other. Apparently hand flapping and squawking is too much for them even though You God accept them and gifted them just as much as You did anyone else. I hardly ever see a church with women who came from abusive families. I hardly ever see churches open their doors anymore to the person who needs food or shelter or even a friend and a kind hearted person willing to listen. Whatever happened to real ministry here at home? You know my family is facing financial upheaval and in the meantime, I need new eyeglasses, 12 dental procedures, our garage door is broken, our mailbox post and mailbox need replacing, our dog needs a doghouse that won't have the roof fly off in the wind, I need infusions as soon as the doctor agrees to them, I need an iPad before getting a job but need a job to afford the iPad, and we need food. My mom needs a new job. Without it, I can't go to the doctors for treatment anymore and I will die. But no one is checking to see if we are okay. Not one person. No one is checking to see if we need anything. No one is doing ministry to me or to my family. No church wants me. Why? Because as soon as they found out I had autism last year at my old one, they immediately grasped every negative and untrue thing about autism and pushed me away from You. And because I got vocal, the new one has pushed me away too. I have found NO SAFE CHURCH yet. No loving church yet. No church that knows how to include You. It makes me sad. And I have tried. I have tried so hard to be a person who can be respected and belong. I have tried to be a friend to others. But no matter how hard I try, no one seems to want me. Not the way You created me. They want me to be something or someone I cannot be. The only person I have had even bother to be a REAL friend to me-Tom-I don't even know anymore if it's a friendship because he still treats me as though he were still my pastor and not entirely as a friend. After almost five months, I still don't know him as a friend. And I'm really wrestling with that. After five months, I still see no sign of being moved toward church membership. And I'm ready to just give up. It hurts God to see and to experience this. And whoever sees this may end up judging me for it, but You know what? I don't care anymore because there may be one person out there who reads this who may be able to relate to what I'm going through right now and realize that they are not alone. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I feel rejected. I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I feel unwanted. I feel isolated. I feel like no one cares. I feel like You don't care. I asked You to help with the friendship with Tom and I feel like it's unraveling and not because I didn't try. I did. But even if it wasn't his intention, I still feel neglected and unwanted by him. I asked You to help my family be provided for, and now we're about to unravel. What did I do to deserve all the bad stuff? Why have You abandoned me? Why God? Why?

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