Dear 9/11

It was a fateful day 12 years ago. Little did any of us know how our lives would be turned upside down.

The night before I told the cat (RIP Peaches, 1989-2006) that if my alarm did not go off to wake me at 6 because I needed some last minute studying for a French exam the next morning. 

Sure enough, I felt a heavy pounce and heard a loud thud. I looked at the clock. It was just after 6. My exam was at 9. I needed to park at 8 and walk over to the student center.

I arrived to a much deserted campus (then Troy State University, now Troy University). I listened to the radio getting some last minute study time when I heard that the first tower had been hit by a plane. 

A few minutes later, I heard that the second tower had been hit. All I could think was "what's going on?" 

I walked into the student center to head to my exam in the disability services office. It was deserted save for my French professor watching the televisions which were tuned to the news.

I arrived back to my car (1998 Honda Civic) and checked the bag phone. Missed call. I called my mom and she asked if I knew what was going on. I said I heard but hadn't watched anything yet but would I got back to the house. She said that Uncle Mike was supposed to fly back to California from Florida (he works for NASA and studies climate issues-hurricanes, the ozone hole, etc.) but that because of what happened in New York his plane got grounded but he was safe. 

I didn't realize the magnitude until later. I got on my e-mail. I had an e-mail from the lady our campus ministry did missions with over the spring break in Manhattan. She was okay, but the ministry was just blocks from the towers.

I looked at my picture I had taken. Less than six months had gone by and now the skyline was different.

Another e-mail. Campus wide prayer rally.

I made a phone call. Are we having puppet practice at church? Yes. 

Puppets was at 6. I told the director that I needed to leave at 6:30 for the prayer rally. He said we'd dismiss early anyway. No one was really in the mood. I left the church. 

Stop light was red. I stopped. 

I had a strange series of dreams where people close to me were going to have different injuries and the dreams kept coming true. The week before it was a car accident. 

Light turned green. I very slow started into the intersection feeling very strange. 

BAM!

I looked up to see a teenage driver talking on his cell phone in a red pickup truck. He ran the red light and hit my front driver's side. 

I motioned to the light. I rolled down the window. I called my mom so she could arrive soon. 

The driver rushed over and asked if I was okay. I heard him tell the person on the phone he had just hit a car and needed the number for the police.

A sheriff arrived and began directing traffic around the scene. 

An African American man who was jogging by came to me and asked if there was anything he could do. I told him I just left that big church over on the corner one block over and the name of the puppet director. He was a police officer that was off duty. Within minutes, the director arrived. I never saw that man again. Was he an angel?

My director helped me start gathering everything I needed for the police. The police finally arrived and instructed us to move our cars to a parking lot across the way. My director tried to start my car back up. It grinded but wouldn't start.

He put it in neutral and got it moved. A piece of the headlight fell off. I went into shock. 

"Susan, are you okay? Do you need an ambulance? Who can we call? How long until your mom is here?" "Susan, we need to tow your car to the shop. Insurance will work with you tomorrow. Do you need an ambulance?"

Total damage to the $9000 car (blue book) was $4500. Air bag had to be checked as well because it didn't deploy. I was in a rental for a month. The insurance said had he hit one inch further back, I could've been killed. The guy was honest and admitted fault even after being advised to lie. And the physical damages to my body are permanent. But I am alive.

Many people died on 9/11. And that event was very tragic. My accident could've killed me, but it didn't. I will never be able to forget it because of when it happened. But I am ready to do my best to move forward. This year is the first time I have to drive somewhere on 9/11. It's the first time I have somewhere to be. I'll probably need to leave earlier and drive slower, but I will do it. 

So now I will ask...What were you doing on 9/11? Where were you when it happened? 

Pray for everyone who lost someone that day. Pray for those who were somehow affected. Pray for the families who lost loved ones in Iraq and in Afghanistan in the months that followed (including the Spann family of Winfield - cousins). Pray for anyone who has to travel. Pray for this nation, for its leaders, and for its citizens. 

What was meant for evil, God turned into a blessing. And God is in control. 

So dear 9/11, your power over me, your ability to create fear in me, is now over. I have to move forward. I have to do it for me. I will always remember you, but I am tired of your grip on me. I'm going to kick your butt this year. Sincerely, Me

720 Hours or 30 Days

You have 30 days in an average month. 720 hours. How are you spending all of those hours? 

You see I have asked the following of a friend: One 10 minute phone call per week, one in person quality time visit per month. In the grand scheme of things, I have asked for a little less than 2 hours of time in one month. 2 hours of 720 hours. That still leaves him with 718 hours to do the rest of everything he has to do with his life. 

But he basically said no. He said he doesn't have time. Doesn't have time to be my friend. Doesn't have time for friendship with me. 

The struggle I have considering what I consider to be a very REASONABLE request is that he has essentially said he has no room for me, no room for a friendship he and I fought so hard for, no room for a friendship he fought harder to keep than even me. 

The message I got was that I am not wanted anymore. That I am expendable. That I am not loved. That I am less deserving of friendship with him than anyone else. 

I understand he has work and family and maybe other friends. Well good for him. But of 720 total hours in 30 days, he cannot find less than 2 full hours a month for me? 

It hurts. And yet again, I am left wishing I was normal and that God hadn't created me the way He did. I am left wondering why God hates me, why my friend hates me. 

720 hours, 30 days. Are you too busy for friends? 

Why I Don't Want or Need More Friends Right Now

Because I'm tired of being hurt. Especially by some of the ones I already have. Maybe it was not their intention to cause such hurt, but they did. I don't want more because more means more hurt.

Because I cannot handle a lot of people. I like the friends that I have and I am expanding my social connection by working hard to establish a community based social group that will hopefully incorporate volunteers from area churches who get right beside adults with special needs who are higher functioning. This approach would put adults with special needs right where we are expected to be-in society. It will also foster building natural mentoring relationships and friendships and build bridges between an underserved population that is ripe for the ministries to reach out to. 

Because it's too hard and too scary. Especially when schedules change so much that some friends become too busy to remain friends with me and we then lose the quality of the friendship which is what friendship should have regardless of who the person is. 

Tom told me the other day I need more friends. To some degree, I agree, but not if it means losing quality with the ones I already have and am already fostering. But it's because of what he said that I now feel really sad and hurt because it honestly feels like he doesn't want me anymore, and if that's true, if we lose the quality of the friendship we do have, I don't want to try anymore. I will gladly give up a lifetime of phone calls and texts with him to have quality time in the friendship with him.

He said tears can be good because they can reveal our heart's desire. My desire is to have what everyone else wants and needs: quality friendships. Friendships that don't need frequent phone calls or texts but rather one long phone call every so often and even once a month sit downs where the two (or three) talk, and that time is when the rest of the world amazingly stops so they can enjoy the conversation. 

He said he wants to set a good example of what healthy friendship, healthy relationship, and healthy marriage is like. So I'm asking him to step up to the plate and meet me halfway. By making my willingness to make substantial sacrifices so public, I am opening myself up to having others hold me accountable to my end. But he has to meet me in the middle. 

Because here's the thing, if he sets a good example by his actions for me, I can then turn around and do the same for others. And if I have success in that, then there is definitely still hope for me. 

And right now, these next two months, I need all the hope I can get. A lot of big things are happening and we need positive outcomes on as many of them as possible. 

But my tears are telling me I need a healthier friendship with Tom, one that has quality to it. After all, I have another friend who came along when he did, and she and I don't talk as much, but we do have quality. 

Why I Can No Longer Be "Pro-Life"

1. Extremists - These are the people who scream the loudest judging women who have abortions as being murderers not caring about why the woman chose abortion citing inaccurate things against birth control except keep your legs closed but then don't give a care about the person after they are born because they don't want to pay taxes and have them feed the hungry, heal the sick, or help the poor (which means I feel sorry for Jesus).

2. These extremists have earned a new name: pro-birthers.

3. I am not pro-choice except that I DO believe a woman should have access to birth control and cost should not be a deterrent. On grandfathered insurance, I pay $80 a month just to prevent life threatening iron anemia which can happen if I bleed too much. 

4. Pro-birthers have lost their argument against the ACA and between Scripture and theology classes, I can find at least 10 reasons why the ACA is the most Christian law we can have. But maybe that's because I have what are deemed pre-existing conditions now and can't get a more comprehensive plan until next year, so I see things through a different lens. But pro-birthers lost their argument when the FDA decided to allow Plan B to go over the counter. Because by going OTC, insurance no longer pays; tax payers no longer pay.

5. Plan B. What is it really? Not an abortion drug. It is 3 days worth of regular birth control in one pill. It is best taken within 72 hours. And let's see, biology and human physiology classes told me it takes 24-72 hours for an egg to fertilize. It even says right on the package that it does not end existing pregnancy. I'd be more worried about other OTC medicines or chemicals in the food causing a spontaneous abortion than I would about Plan B. 

6. The ACA covers preventive care. Birth control is preventive medicine. Between increased access to birth control and education, abortion rates can be significantly decreased!!! Duh!!! But the pro-birthers REFUSE to see it that way.

7. So I am no longer pro-life because of extremists but neither am I pro-choice because I really don't like abortion, but I will not judge a woman who chose abortion because for the last few years I was infiltrated with messages about grace and I heard a very influential pastor  give a message titled SWOOP in which he opened some eyes and hearts to the plight of the least of these in Matthew 25 and told about the woman who chose abortion so she can afford food for her already living children and how we have no right to judge before we have heard their stories. Then I learned Pennsylvania either still has or very recently had a law that essentially forces a woman to choose: If the woman receives assistance to feed her children then gets pregnant again (and let's say she was abandoned by her husband and raped), she can choose to either continue receiving assistance to feed her children and abort the baby or carry the baby full term and lose all assistance for feeding her children. It's sad that this reality exists. 

8. Let's define what pro-life really is. Pro means for. Life means anything that is living and breathing. It is typically self-supported because many creatures lay eggs and until those eggs hatch, the creatures are just that-eggs. Eggs are not self-supported. Now let's go back. A human baby may in fact be life. It lives and breathes through a sac inside of the mother. And God even says He knew us before we were born, He knit us in the womb. But if you take the roots of pro-life, it means you are for life at all stages of life, from conception until death and not just while in the womb. So if you claim to be pro-life but support letting government take away or reduce food stamps which could lead to people starving, letting government take away or reduce welfare and social security which could mean more homeless people, and repealing the ACA which will finally let people with pre-existing conditions get insurance so they can receive preventive care which costs less than treating illnesses, you are not pro-life. You are pro-birth. And hey, I know I just stubbed some toes, but maybe those toes need stubbing. Mine got stubbed as I got hit with a reality stick this summer. 

9. Under the current direction of the pro-life movement, it goes against my own Christian convictions to associate with pro-life if all pro-life is is pro-birth. But nor am I able to associate fully with pro-choice except to say that I support increased access to birth control which by the way is not unbiblical because it is in the grey area and therefore any religious entity saying it is is just being a bit legalistic. Not that I'm against a non-profit tax-exempt religious institution exempting itself from the ACA coverage for women, but I do feel Hobby Lobby should be required to provide because they make a profit and pay taxes. Big difference!!!! 

10. Oh, and I know where I stand in my faith in God. I struggle just as any other Christian does. And I know He pursues me even while I have been in a funk. So before judging me for having different viewpoints and beliefs, look in a mirror at your own heart. If you are without sin, you may cast stones at me or at the woman who chose abortion, but if you have any sin whatsoever, even just a heart sin, put that stone down and stop judging. 

I am going to add a couple more points: 1. Planned Parenthood is NOT just about abortions. For women who cannot afford insurance, these clinics are where women go for care and for birth control. 2. Making abortions illegal will NOT stop abortions. All it will do is force women who seek abortions to go find another less safe means of getting one. Like the back alley behind some bar in a slum. 

Marriage and True Oppression

Marriage as God designed it is between ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN. Sexuality immorality is a sin. Period. 

This week has been none other than hell for Christians like me who believe God's Word on these things to be true. 

People who lack understanding of the fact that Jesus came calling Christians judgmental, bigots, hypocrites.

The thing is, are not the people throwing out these accusations actually doing the very thing they accuse Christians of doing? 

Bigotry: intolerance of another's opinion and his or her expression of it. Case in point: I expressed my stance and suddenly a now former friend demanded that I not only respect his opinion but then blatantly accused me of enjoying oppressing others in the name of religion. Seriously? 

In many Islamic countries, they can stone a homosexual to death! Now tell me more about how Christians in America have oppressed them?

Hypocrites? Because we live under New Testament grace because we believe Jesus came to fulfill the Old Testament law? Because we eat meat that God told Peter was now clean? Because churches, mainly in cases of sexual immorality as Jesus permits, allow divorce? Because we are not living legalistic lives anymore?

Oh, and another abused phrase? Separation of church and state. 

Hmm.... America was founded by people escaping the Church of England, which was government ran. They said that government is not to establish religion or run churches. Hence the First Amendment. Perhaps every major needs to study all aspects of the implications of the First Amendment. My journalism classes focused on two concepts in it. 

Anyway, separation of church and state is to protect citizens from government establishing religion and running churches. Not to keep churches and Christians from having a say in politics. 

Jesus didn't forbid homosexuality. Actually, Jesus defined marriage in Matthew 19:5. This passage is where He taught about divorce.

Frankly, here's the thing. 

Being attacked and accused by this friend hurt. Especially since even after I demonstrated grace and forgiveness, he did it again. Three times he has been called out for the same offense now. And now extreme measure will be taken. I have already filed a report and will block him in 48 hours. I did what God called me to do though because when he demanded I respect his opinion while attacking mine, he also said some nasty things about God and attacked my faith, my Christianity. And so I must remove him from my life before he can bring me down any further.

Also, in terms of oppression. Who are the oppressed in America? Not homosexuals who scream out so loudly and then accuse Christians of being hateful. Nope. Not them. Why? Because they CHOSE to live in sin. 

The oppressed in America:

1. Elderly

2. Children

3. Poor

4. Disabled, special needs

5. Veterans

6. Hungry

7. Christians

How? 

1. Being disrespected and being cut short their SSI and SNAP and Medicare

2. Lack of quality education

3. Oh, they are nothing but lazy moochers! Really? When was the last time you say and talked with one about his or her story?

4. Did you know that some loophole in the 1938 fair wage act allows Goodwill to pay some disabled workers as little as 22 cents an hour? Slave labor basically. To think a company could do that to me and get away with it?!? Oh, and the Affordable Care Act is the FIRST law that actually finally upholds the Americans with Disabilities Act when it comes to ensuring that people with per-existing conditions finally have the promised "same access to the same affordable healthcare?" And, further, we substantially lack services and programs and community resources as well as insurance coverage for them for adults with autism?

5. See 1 and 3 and 5

6. Suddenly everyone who has ever needed SNAP is a lazy moocher? Wow. Again, when's the last time you got the story?

7. That's what this post focused on.

God, I pray Your Word continues to give Christians strength and courage. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

Father to the Fatherless

So Father's Day is pretty big. For dads, uncles, grandfathers, and brothers. But I want to point out that not everyone has a human father to celebrate. Some people are estranged or orphaned. But you see, I have learned something important from my friend, Tom. You see, he has been an example of what a REAL dad is like. And through him, I have another glimpse of someone much better than any human father could ever be. I have a glimpse of God. God. Father to the fatherless. So this Father's Day, I am thankful that I am not fatherless anymore. I have a Father who is so much more. I have God. Thank you Tom for teaching me by your example! I love you "Papa" Patton! 

Trapped Inside My Own Body

So because of the laryngitis, I cannot verbally communicate. And it's hard to make myself understood. It's going to be like this until I get better. I'm not to attempt to talk while I'm squeaky. 

It was starting Monday. By Tuesday, it was squeaking. By Wednesday, for a very important event, it was worse. Today, it just isn't able to happen. There is a lot of pain. The ENT did look and he said the vocal cords were very swollen. I had to get a second shot, a steroid shot. It should ease the swelling. But now I have to wait and hope for the best next week so I can rehabilitate. 

Okay, so day one of being trapped inside my own body. What is like? What is it like to be a nonverbal and have high functioning autism? 

Frustrating! Not everyone can understand the gestures or sign language. I can't always access my iPhone. I don't have an iPad or other augmentive communication device. I don't always have pen and paper. I can't talk on the phone. 

I can't make myself understood at the doctor. That was hard trying to do. I can't make myself understood at the library. And even with my own mother, it's hard.

I'm frustrated and going into significant meltdown. I lash out at my closest relatives and friends. I can't get out. 

It's like another person lives inside of me and she's the evil twin. She's pushing me away because I'm vulnerable. And she's strong! 

I want out. I feel trapped. I have a voice. It needs releasing. 

Why won't anyone help me? Is anyone even there? I'm scared.