Friday, August 16, 2013

Why I Don't Want or Need More Friends Right Now

Because I'm tired of being hurt. Especially by some of the ones I already have. Maybe it was not their intention to cause such hurt, but they did. I don't want more because more means more hurt.

Because I cannot handle a lot of people. I like the friends that I have and I am expanding my social connection by working hard to establish a community based social group that will hopefully incorporate volunteers from area churches who get right beside adults with special needs who are higher functioning. This approach would put adults with special needs right where we are expected to be-in society. It will also foster building natural mentoring relationships and friendships and build bridges between an underserved population that is ripe for the ministries to reach out to. 

Because it's too hard and too scary. Especially when schedules change so much that some friends become too busy to remain friends with me and we then lose the quality of the friendship which is what friendship should have regardless of who the person is. 

Tom told me the other day I need more friends. To some degree, I agree, but not if it means losing quality with the ones I already have and am already fostering. But it's because of what he said that I now feel really sad and hurt because it honestly feels like he doesn't want me anymore, and if that's true, if we lose the quality of the friendship we do have, I don't want to try anymore. I will gladly give up a lifetime of phone calls and texts with him to have quality time in the friendship with him.

He said tears can be good because they can reveal our heart's desire. My desire is to have what everyone else wants and needs: quality friendships. Friendships that don't need frequent phone calls or texts but rather one long phone call every so often and even once a month sit downs where the two (or three) talk, and that time is when the rest of the world amazingly stops so they can enjoy the conversation. 

He said he wants to set a good example of what healthy friendship, healthy relationship, and healthy marriage is like. So I'm asking him to step up to the plate and meet me halfway. By making my willingness to make substantial sacrifices so public, I am opening myself up to having others hold me accountable to my end. But he has to meet me in the middle. 

Because here's the thing, if he sets a good example by his actions for me, I can then turn around and do the same for others. And if I have success in that, then there is definitely still hope for me. 

And right now, these next two months, I need all the hope I can get. A lot of big things are happening and we need positive outcomes on as many of them as possible. 

But my tears are telling me I need a healthier friendship with Tom, one that has quality to it. After all, I have another friend who came along when he did, and she and I don't talk as much, but we do have quality. 

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