Thursday, June 13, 2013

Trapped Inside My Own Body

So because of the laryngitis, I cannot verbally communicate. And it's hard to make myself understood. It's going to be like this until I get better. I'm not to attempt to talk while I'm squeaky. 

It was starting Monday. By Tuesday, it was squeaking. By Wednesday, for a very important event, it was worse. Today, it just isn't able to happen. There is a lot of pain. The ENT did look and he said the vocal cords were very swollen. I had to get a second shot, a steroid shot. It should ease the swelling. But now I have to wait and hope for the best next week so I can rehabilitate. 

Okay, so day one of being trapped inside my own body. What is like? What is it like to be a nonverbal and have high functioning autism? 

Frustrating! Not everyone can understand the gestures or sign language. I can't always access my iPhone. I don't have an iPad or other augmentive communication device. I don't always have pen and paper. I can't talk on the phone. 

I can't make myself understood at the doctor. That was hard trying to do. I can't make myself understood at the library. And even with my own mother, it's hard.

I'm frustrated and going into significant meltdown. I lash out at my closest relatives and friends. I can't get out. 

It's like another person lives inside of me and she's the evil twin. She's pushing me away because I'm vulnerable. And she's strong! 

I want out. I feel trapped. I have a voice. It needs releasing. 

Why won't anyone help me? Is anyone even there? I'm scared.

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