Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dark Night of the Soul

I keep wondering about the expression "dark night of the soul." It's not just a Presbyterian term. A lot of people from a lot of denominations describe having them. For what it's worth, it is even mentioned in many non-religious literary works.

So then I wonder, what is the dark night of the soul?

I guess to some degree, it would vary by the individual affected. For me, I would say that feeling dejected and alone, rejected and unwanted, unloved and falling into the stage in which I want to hurt myself physically or start pushing people away who really do love and care about me and have stayed with me through a difficult time despite my pushing back is probably my dark night of the soul. It's when I have to fight the hardest to not sink into that bottomless pit of despair.

And if that's the dark night of the soul for me then I'm there now and it seems like I've been there for the past two months. I'm trying to shelter. I'm trying to go into a very slimy bubble where no one can access me. Where no one can hurt me. And it hurts even more sometimes than the original hurt that was inflicted upon me to start with.

All I know is that I am not in a good place emotionally right now. And it is no surprise that it feels like that is starting to overarch itself into my faith and tear me down.

Ever since the original hurt got inflicted, I have been down a whirlwind path questioning my salvation. Do I really have it? Only to be met with one final conclusive answer: Yes because if I did not have it, I would not be  asking if I had it because I would not care. Since no one seeks God out of their own volition and will (the doctrine of predestination and effectual calling), then no one would care about whether or not he/she was saved if he/she was not already saved.

But that does not make things any easier.

No comments:

Post a Comment

There was an error in this gadget